Hey You got an interesting story here but there are things which let it down big time. You use too many 'we sees', I've been told by many experienced people you should limit this however you can. There are other ways to describe with out using them. There is one line which doesn't make sense
Quoted Text We see a man in bed just awoken from sound sleep, had just picked up the phone. |
Sorry didn't understand it. I was really looking forward to seing when cody finally met Murdock. But then Murdock's line just ruined it for me
Quoted Text Cody! I thought I lost you back in L.A. |
This is a guy who has wanted you dead for so long and that is the first thing you say. I didn't understand why Cody shot the contact in the face. Torture him, anything, but don't just kill him. Unless I have missed something but from what I read I found Murdock as just a thieve, who robs banks, not a killer. So I don't know why Cody wanted him so bad. The are a lot of typo's you should deal with. Cut down the voice overs aswell. At one time you descrive something in your action, then straight away in your voice over. I did like the story though the writing needs fixing Later Matthew |