21st Century Robin Hood by Ryan Cody (codered674) - Short, Action - A modern story of a modern day Robin hood, just a regular take from the rich, give to the needy, crooked guy being hunted down. based on a short story my dad wrote. - doc, format

Hey

You got an interesting story here but there are things which let it down big time.

You use too many 'we sees', I've been told by many experienced people you should limit this however you can. There are other ways to describe with out using them.

There is one line which doesn't make sense

Quoted Text We see a man in bed just awoken from sound sleep, had just picked up the phone.

Sorry didn't understand it.

I was really looking forward to seing when cody finally met Murdock. But then Murdock's line just ruined it for me  

Quoted Text Cody! I thought I lost you back in L.A.

This is a guy who has wanted you dead for so long and that is the first thing you say.

I didn't understand why Cody shot the contact in the face. Torture him, anything, but don't just kill him.

Unless I have missed something but from what I read I found Murdock as just a thieve, who robs banks, not a killer. So I don't know why Cody wanted him so bad.

The are a lot of typo's you should deal with.

Cut down the voice overs aswell. At one time you descrive something in your action, then straight away in your voice over.

I did like the story though the writing needs fixing

Later

Matthew

21st Century Robin Hood

I liked the story and here are a few comments.

Too many voiceovers

Too many locations visited during the 10 year chase, maybe handle as a montage?

Cody was much too violent to be chasing a robber, there should be something personal as a grudge

How did his victims know that they had been robbed by Robin Hood?

Best idea was the concept of the rich men robbed not wanting money back from the charities

Too much of a convenience for an unidentified tipster. I half expected a trap.

Sometimes it is hard to adapt a script from a relative's story: you want to remain true to the first story but want to write a well-written screenplay.

I hope this helps rather than hinders.