Nothing Left To Say (revised) by Jon Barton (jonnyboy) - Short - Sometimes, it's too late to say sorry… 5 pages - pdf, format

Err...this was up insanely fast! Thanks Don!

Interested to see what people think of this one - be happy to return reads, of course.

It wsn't until i was finished reading that i realized you had no dialogue. But, even with a story full of depictions of Mike and portrayels of the environments he is in, your words never seem too flooded on the page. Your writing reads fluid, clear, and concise. Which i think is very significant, ESPECIALLY in a piece like this.

While Reading, i kept  asking myself what was motivating this guy to do all these things. Why is he at the funeral(or watching from afar)? Why is he mopey walking about? Why is he breaking into someone's home?

Then the end unveils everything. And readers can put two an two together.

What i think is great about this piece is that it's a character study. How somebody reacts to a major event in his life. And while I assume for some people 5 pages of no dialogue could be an issue, it wasn't for me becuase i felt interested and invested in your protagonist.

Good job!

Interesting read. I think I got to page four before I realized there was no actual dialogue between anyone at all but it still kept my attention from start to finish. With that in mind, it was such a fitting title to give your short.  

It put me in mind of your other short The Last Rung on the Ladder with the note he kept looking at but this time we didn't see what was on it. I thought he would look at it in the end, reveal something, twist it in some way but this story didn't need a twist anyway.

When the guy came into the bar at the end, I knew it would be his Dad. I kept asking myself, "Why did he break the window of his own Dad's house?". Him walking out unnoticed was a great way of showing all was not well between them. Also explained why he watched the funeral from a distance, it first I thought it would have been a childhood friend, girlfriend maybe, that would have explained the oak tree part.

It does leave my mind wandering on what exactly Mike done to his family, or Dad, for them to change the locks, him not wanting to see them at the funeral etc, yet his room has not been changed in all those years since he left. It would have been nice to find out a little more on that side of things.

Your writing was great again. One thing that stood out was the montage scene. I think you are supposed to put END MONTAGE after you list the scenes but I'm not 100% sure. I would question if the montage is actually needed at all as it is just three simple scenes, probably work better just writing it in the action but that's just my opinion.

Overall, good little story. Family members can be awkward after the death of someone close and you showed a good example.  

Whats good Jonny..

I read this one earlier, and didn't really know how to comment on it, as I really enjoyed it... So I waited a few hours, and read it again. I really didn't see much to change here man, you've got a very nice little story. I really liked the no dialogue aspect of it man, made it pretty unique, and different.

I do have a few suggestions which (in my opinion) would improve it. Firstly, I would have had the photo that Mike grabs a more recent one. Secondly, I would have had Mike watch the funeral from not such a distance that he needs to use binoculars. I would have personally made him a bit more emotion during the funeral scene... Would make us a bit more sympathetic towards him.

I would also use the funeral scene to show/ hint to the audience why Mike's family have turned their back on him... Maybe have Mike knocking back whisky, or maybe injecting heroin or something. You wouldn't explicitly tell us why his family have turned their back on him, but you would suggest it...

Finally, when Mike's dad enters the pub, I think it would work if him and Mike make eye contact, but the dad turns awares, not aknowledging his son. This would make the end (when Mike runs away, and scrumbles the photo) more effective. This would suggest that Mike has gone home to make ammends, and maybe right his wrongs, but when his dad ignores him, he realises this will never happen. Because at the moment, you've got a tale of someone who returns home for his mother's funeral (which reminded me alot of Garden State - a film I love), and then runs away, not learning too much from the experience.

But yeah, this was a nice little short man - something I'd love to shoot once I get everything at college sorted.

Keep up the good writing man,

Toby.

So, Jon you've gone from dialogue-heavy in Back Soon to nil dialogue in this.  I just have a few nitpickety points re content/story. Why does your main character take great deliberation in dressing for the funeral when he's witnessing it from a far. And why does he takes great pains to get the photo (by breaking in) and then toss it away - that seemed like a contradiction to me.

Plus, he's in the pub later, presumably to at least see his father (even if his father doesn't seem him) and yet he has no compunction on the day his mother dies in leaving his father with a broken window. I suppose you could stretch that to assume he wants his father to know he's come & gone but it felt like rather a drastic action with no payoff to me.

A good one-hander to show-case an actors' skills and it's written well; the images came through loud & clear.

Hey all, thanks for the reads.

My aim here was to practice simply showing things, not telling the audience anything. Of course, this lack of telling raises several questions, most of which remain unanswered: Why is Mike here? Whose house has he broken into? Who's being buried? What has happened between Mike and his family that means he doesn't even attend his own mother's funeral? I wanted to leave a certain amount of ambiguity, leave it up the viewer to decide what had happened. I wasn't even going to show the tombstone originally, but thought that would mean there was NO pay-off. So I decided to reveal that it was his mother. (Brian, when I read your comment I realised you're right to draw the parallel with Last Rung - and if Stephen King shows us the letter, I thought it was only fair I revealed who'd died!)

While the idea is that this story is open to interpretation, what I imagine the story is different to what you thought. I don't want to impose too much of my own thinking on the plot, but to answer your questions: Mike's come home to visit his mother's funeral, but has no interest in seeing anyone else in his family. He wants to make an effort and be there in memory of his mother, but he also can't bear facing his other relatives. For whatever reason, he left home ten years ago, and hasn't contacted anyone since. He can't face any of them, through pride, or shame - whatever. If Mike's dad had seen him in the pub - which Mike wasn't planning on happening, he had no idea he'd be there - then I imagine he would have begged Mike to stay, have a drink, talk to him, maybe come home. But Mike thinks it's too late to make amends, there's (forgive me for this) nothing left to say. So he leaves, a broken window and a teddy at the grave the only signs he ever came back. As for tossing the photo away, I think the day has shown him there's no going back, that he can't make amends. So he discards it, and leaves for good this time. Of course, that's just my interpretation of it.

Hopefully this was intruiging and interesting rather than plain confusing. I don't really want to add any explanation in because I want the ambiguity, but I'll think on it. Thanks for the reads!

Hey Jon, just read your short.  Very interesting, and for the most part, very powerful and unique.  Well done.

I can't recall ever reading anything with zero dilaogue. You managed to pull it off here, and that's saying quite a bit.

I actually am a big fan of ambiguity.  I like having the opportunity to spin my own thoughts on something.  I don't think you need to add anymore info, as it seems to work the way it is.

Just a couple of suggestions.  You have multiple characters who are intro'd without capping their names. Being a short, and being a peice in which you only have a few named characters, I don't think it's an issue, but you did do it some of the time, so you might as well do it all the time.

You also had a number of "sentences" that are fragments, missing a verb.  I tend to do this sometimes as well, and it's not a big deal.  I think it's basically implied that there is a verb, but you just chose not to include it.  In a short though, it's much more apparent, so I would look back at this, and maybe clean those lines of prose up.

There was also a line of passive verbiage, which isn't a big deal at all, but it was near the end and it kind of stood out.  I am not against this but when you only do it one time, I'd say just don't do it at all, as it changes the feeling.

I don't think you need to have him change into a suit either.  He knows he's going here for a funeral, why not just wear the damn suit?  I know he could definitely bring it in his backpack, but why change into the suit, and then back into normal clothes?  He'd have to have shoes, socks, pants, a belt, a shirt, and a tie, as well as those binoculers, which I agree with another reviewer wasn't necessary.  You could lose the bathroom changing scene and include something else that would be more powerful.

Finally, 3 more things, storywise I didn't like...I don't like him breaking into his Dad's house.  It just doesn't feel right to me.  I also don't like how the piece of paper was brought up again and again, but then nothing was ever made of it.  Either let us now what it is, or leave it out.  And finally, the picture he took.  I think he should keep it.  No matter what happened, I think it meant enough to him that he took it, so he should keep it, as that seems to be the last thing he'll have of his former life.

Again, Jon, this was good.  Very well done...very powerful...and very unique with no dialogue.  It's extremely hard to pull this off, but you did.  The title completely works and ties into what you did.

Nice work!

Hello Jon,

This was a good and interesting read.  A nice story with a fitting title.

This is an improvement on your previous script.

You can shorten and tighten the odd line but overall it was a pleasant read.

All the best,


Javier

Not bad. The one thing I really liked with this is that you really get the sense of  Mike being an out cast is by how he just flitters through the story and haunts places he holds dear in his memory.

Um, also the last short of yours I read I criticized your dialouge as weakest part of your writing.

So promise me the next short you write that you will have dialouge or else you will never improve over all as a writer.

You got to pracitce, pracitice pracitce and besides silent cinema died in the 30's with the invention of Sound.  

Jeff, Javier, Glenn, thanks for the reads.

Jeff - great that you think I managed to pull off the zero dialogue thing. I like Sofia Coppolla's films, particularly Lost in Translation, and for large chunks of that Scarlett Johansson just wanders around, so I wanted that sort of feel. I didn't even notice the non-capped intro's...I'll fix that. The fragmented sentences...I'm not sure whether I'll change those, but I'll consider it. The passive line I'm yet to find, but I'll fix it when I do.

As for him changing into the suit...gotta disagree with you there, I like it. I know that it makes more sense for him to be wearing the suit when he arrives, but I just think that the idea of someone dressing for a funeral in a toilet cubicle is an intruiging one. I don't think him stepping off the train already looking smart would have much of an impact. I have, however, worked out a compromise, so thanks for raising it. About the binoculars...there's just no way Mike would want to run even the slightest risk of having to face his family. I think he'd watch the funeral via a satelitte if he thought it was necessary.

Him breaking into his dad's house seems to run against that, of course - my response to that would be that he knows his dad'll be at the wake. I am going to change it that his key still works, though - it actually makes more sense that way, considering his family are hoping he'll come back one day. The paper I may well drop, I know it's frustrating to never get to see what's on it (I lifted that from the series 3 finale of Lost, where in my defence they too never allow you to see what the newspaper clipping says). And finally, maybe he should keep the photo, but I just like the visual of him crumpling and discarding it. And also, I don't think he would keep it. Maybe, if he hadn't run into his dad. But that he couldn't speak to him has proven to Mike, I think, that he's never going to resolve his issues with his family. So he leaves it all behind for good.

Thanks for the insightful comments! I'll hopefully read and review Fade to White over the weekend. I read the opening - it's definitely an attention grabber!

Javier - thanks, it's definitely better than Back Soon which was, if we're being honest, pretty bad. A vaguely interesting idea executed poorly. This I'm much happier with. Glad that both you and Jeff like the title - I think's it pretty perfect for it, and is even better once you've actually read it.

I'm pretty sure I owe you a read...I've skimmed through Reborn, so I'll look back through it and post a review.

Glenn - yeah, I think I did manage to convey a sense of Mike as a wanderer, a loner. Having him speak, even once, would have ruined that. I think you may have rumbled me on the fleeing from dialogue, though. The dialogue in Back Soon was really, really bad, so I thought, "Fine, let's see what I can do without any." I know I need to practice, though, and I've got a new, talking heads short called Colliterary Damage that should be finished over the weekend.

About your silent cinema comment - I get what you're saying, but I don't agree with the sentiment. Firstly, this isn't silent, there's just no dialogue. The two aren't the same. And secondly, there are still films where characters don't speak, and sometimes their reticence is actually an important character trait. Think of (as I said above) Sofia Coppola's films, or Jason Bourne. The bits where they talk aren't silent, the lack of dialogue just allows you to concentrate on other things.

Thanks again for the reads, y'all!

Jon

A sad little piece, the absence of dialogue was an interesting but wise choice. It totally went in sync with the reserved, restrained nature of the piece.

Nothing to add, the writing was clear and to the point. The story itself was fairly straightforward but it kept my interest.

I'd love for this to get filmed just to see what a filmmaker would do with it. Personally I love tracking shots, just the simple process of following the protagonist around even if he/she is doing the most menial of tasks. Your script has a loads of opportunities for this.

The audience is kept in the dark throughout as we are only following one character thus we only find out information in relation to Mike. How he goes about his "business" dictates what we discover and what details will remain secret.

The mystique is sustained suficiently due to this following-one-character device and greatly benefits the sad conclusion...Although, you feel it was important to Mike to do what he had done, and the way he went about it -- his own way of saying goodbye.

So they obvious question(s)...hush...drum roll...lights...action!: Why couldn't he attend the funeral with the rest...? Why did he have to break into his own homeplace?????????

Somehow I feel you are not gonna tell me -- "Make up your own mind, interpretation, imagination etc"

Anyway, good job. Nice angle on an otherwise common story.

Col.

Very nice short, Jon. I recently wrote my first script sans dialogue and it can be tough, but I thought you did an excellent job capturing emotion without words being spoken. I have to admit I didn't really get the ending until I remembered the title and read your logline again. Nicely done.

It left me with questions, but sometimes it's OK to leave questions unanswered. The point of the story is not what happened between Mike and his family, but to show his reaction to it all. I could feel his anguish with your descriptions.

There are a number of small errors in there, but I'm sure you can find them easily enough.

Not much else to say. Powerful stuff.

James

Good character study. Short, simple and, my favorite aspect, purely visual. No lousy, melodramatic dialogue. It just tells it's story purely though images. At the start, I was wondering where it was going but once it ended, I was quite surprised by it. I liked it. No complaints, really. Did what it was meant to.

Best,

G

Hey Jonny, an interesting read. I will say one of the better shorts I read in awhile so kudos. I will break down my response to what I liked and what I didn't like.

Pros

The screenplay read fluidly and it kept me hook from page 1 to page 5. I personally didn't have an issue with there being no dialogue as you kept me in suspense.

I feel like this story might be based or inspired by true events. Is that a fair assisment to make? Lastly the main character was engaging and I think that's why this story worked for me.

Cons

The only real draw back for me was the ambiguity. I know you mentioned that you intended to make the story ambigious so that the audience can come up with their own interpretation. IMO that is what weakens the power of your ending.

Intended ambiguity should be handled cafefully because the audience expects (rightly so) resolution/closure. If you are going to keep us wondering then atleast have us believe that their is an actual right and wrong interpretation to the ending, even if you don't admit it/reveal it, that way our opinions count for something. I hope you can see what I am getting at.

Anyways good script. I don't think you need another rewrite, as a director I would film this for sure.