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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Numbers Numb Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: March 8th, 2009, 4:38pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Numbers Numb by Glenn Bresciani (tonkatough) - Short - A woman who can't see numbers is shortchanged by an arsehole. - pdf, format


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Zombie Sean
Posted: March 8th, 2009, 4:54pm Report to Moderator
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When I read the logline, I was quite confused because of the whole "can't see numbers" bit. But I read it, and I liked it. Really funny.


SPOILERS


When Olwen asked for the twenty-five bucks, I immediately knew that he was going to trick her and give her less than what he owed her. That's when I was like, "Man, he really is an asshole." Then he started going through the little tests to see if she really was blind, which I kind of thought made the story lag a bit, but I guess it worked to show us that she really could not see numbers.


The beginning was funny, too, with having this plump lady just standing on your lawn waiting for you to look through the window. Kind of creepy, actually...

But very funny, and I think this would also be a good, easy short to film if you're interested in that stuff, also.

Sean
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jayrex
Posted: March 8th, 2009, 6:44pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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Hi Glenn,

This is a pretty humorous short you have here.

I liked the girl turning up at the wrong house and the guy Roy playing his game.

The only thing I would alter is Roy's last dialogue as I don't believe anyone would admit to being an idiot.  Then again, it's obviously a quirky short so keep it if you so wish.

It might also be funny if Roy pretends not to be wearing his glasses, then asks Olwen to look at his watch and read him the time?

All the best,


Javier


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mcornetto
Posted: March 8th, 2009, 6:59pm Report to Moderator
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I really loved the concept of not being able to see numbers.  Is that real or did you make that up?

I thought the script was amusing and strangely somehow believable.  I think the ending could be a bit better though, kind of anti-climatic. Not really any suggestions off the top of my head on how to change it but I will let you know if I think of anything.

Cheers.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: March 8th, 2009, 7:57pm Report to Moderator
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I thought I'd give this a read since it was short and I'm  cooking.

Liked the idea and the writing was fine.

I could however see where this was heading already on page 2. You sort of fixed that by having Olwen saying she can see dead president's faces.

It did peter out a bit towards the end, but it still worked out better than I thought for a while was going to happen.

You state he wears a woman's pink dressing gown, but adds a t-shirt too? I had a hard time picturing this.

Your descriptions are very good. Especially people descriptions.

Good work Glenn. Tweak the ending and it will be very good.  



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Tommyp
Posted: March 8th, 2009, 8:18pm Report to Moderator
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Hey.

I saw this coming too. The whole short change thing.

Also, you need a punchline. The dead president line was good, but you need something to finish it off. Something to do with the contents of the parcel?

Maybe something like....

**RUDENESS AHEAD**

(Olwen would give Roy the parcel)

Olwen: Arsehole.

Olwen starts to walk off but stops at the letterbox.

Olwen: Oh, and by the way, do you know what's in the parcel?

Roy: No, what?

Olwen: A dildo. Either your wife is replacing you because you are rubbish in bed, or you have turned slightly gay. Have a good day sir.

Olwen walks off down the street to her van. Roy stands stunned at the doorway staring at the parcel in his hands.

Roy: CHERYL!!!!

Cut.

Hmm? Yes? No? Tom you are an idiot?

Pia... what's cookin' good lookin'?


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eric11
Posted: March 8th, 2009, 8:37pm Report to Moderator
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Glenn, first some technical stuff, then I will get to the artistic merit of this short.

1) When you change persepctives from one character to another, it is commonplace to say Angle on the subject instead of starting a new slug line, for example.


ANGLE ON OLWEN: squinting at the window.

2) It might be a cultueral difference, but for some reason I didn't understand the point of your short. At the end of the day if you are going to attempt to pon this off to a producer, he is going to ask you whats your selling point? I don't think you have any?

3) Who is your target audience?

4) If you plan to self produce this short, what exactly are your expectations?

You see, if you will spend a month filming any short, there has got to be reason for it. Making a short for the sake of writing is a waste of your time and the readers time. And in the end it's not going to make you a better writer but an author of many mediocre work.

Focus and give a crap what your work means to the audience.

Happy writing.

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Grandma Bear
Posted: March 8th, 2009, 9:16pm Report to Moderator
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Eric, glad to see you participating here.  

I just wanted to comment on your comment.

IMHO and I mean that. I'm nobody... however, I totally disagree that anyone needs to write ANGLE ON. By separating lines of action you automatically suggests different shots.

A person enters a room.

A gun is on the bed.

The person hurries to the bed.

The person's hand snatches the gun.

Those four lines indicates four different shots. No need to write ANGLE ON.

I could be wrong of course...   Just write it simple, easy to read, easy to understand. The rest is just details.  


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Colkurtz8
Posted: March 9th, 2009, 5:32am Report to Moderator
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Glenn

Funny little five pager. More of a sketch then anything. Not much to add, the writing was concise and direct and characters were funny and varied.

I like to see some more substantial work from you tho, in terms of scope. I've only read 5 pagers from you and a couple of 10 pagers.

Do you have anything around the 15 or 20 mark, a more developed story rather then just a situation and punchline. I'd love to take a look at them.

Cheers

Col.


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sniper
Posted: March 9th, 2009, 5:43am Report to Moderator
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Hey Glenn,

What is it with you and people with weird ailments? Phobia 39, Schizo Express and now Number Numbness - some funny shit (actually, I think you should name the disability, you know, use some fake Latin title like "Numero Difficile").

All in all a quick easy read with a valid punchline. I actually thought Roy was gonna get away with being such a prick but the dead presidents-line was a really good way of putting Roy in his place. I didn't get why you needed to put Roy in a dressing gown though.

And Pia, you're absolutely right about the ANGLE ON thing. Any writer can use the ANGLE ON approach but a good writer doesn't have to.


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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eric11
Posted: March 9th, 2009, 7:15am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from sniper
Hey Glenn,

What is it with you and people with weird ailments? Phobia 39, Schizo Express and now Number Numbness - some funny shit (actually, I think you should name the disability, you know, use some fake Latin title like "Numero Difficile").

All in all a quick easy read with a valid punchline. I actually thought Roy was gonna get away with being such a prick but the dead presidents-line was a really good way of putting Roy in his place. I didn't get why you needed to put Roy in a dressing gown though.

And Pia, you're absolutely right about the ANGLE ON thing. Any writer can use the ANGLE ON approach but a good writer doesn't have to.


Sniper a good writer can write a good story regardless of how it is written. ANGLE ON is an industry term for change of perspectives. Inserting a new slug line when the scene obviously hasn't change locations is redundant. If that makes one a bad writer than so be it.

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sniper
Posted: March 9th, 2009, 7:55am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eric11
ANGLE ON is an industry term for change of perspectives.

I know this but there's no reason to use it. The scene Pia just described is a perfect example on how to use the ANGLE shots without stating it.



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eric11
Posted: March 9th, 2009, 8:08am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Grandma Bear
Eric, glad to see you participating here.  

I just wanted to comment on your comment.

IMHO and I mean that. I'm nobody... however, I totally disagree that anyone needs to write ANGLE ON. By separating lines of action you automatically suggests different shots.

A person enters a room.

A gun is on the bed.

The person hurries to the bed.

The person's hand snatches the gun.

Those four lines indicates four different shots. No need to write ANGLE ON.

I could be wrong of course...   Just write it simple, easy to read, easy to understand. The rest is just details.  


Hey Me, I returned only to wage my terror on everyone then leave again! Lol. Actually I am writing two screenplays, and taken a little break before going at it again. What are you working on?

Now inregards to your points.

Using ANGLE ON is a bit of an art, because you pointed out, sometimes one can just leave out and subsitute it with flowing action. In reality there is no convention on this subject, just common sense.

If I were the director of this short, I would wonder why the writer used mast slug lines for a simple change of perspectives.

Changing master slug lines, means there is a change of location or a change of time. That is the only time one should use master slug lines

Using mini slug lines is fine two. However the way this short reads, the camera wasn't moving with the action, it was simply changing directions.

That is why I would have used ANGLE ON instead of a master slug line.

My two cents.
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eric11
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Quoted from sniper

I know this but there's no reason to use it. The scene Pia just described is a perfect example on how to use the ANGLE shots without stating it.

It is sniper, but as I pointed out to ME, that if the camera isn't following the action, which it isn't in this case. Using ANGLE ON seems the most appropriate thing to do.

What Me was describing is a camera following a montage of actions where the DP would have to relight his set thus the action implies a new shot (however not necessarily so, because in the movie Cloverfield, scenes where often handled using one long shot keep the audience following the action is if it were happening live, thus you need to be careful to make that assumption).

ANGLE ON tells the DP to pivot the camera not to change it's location per say, but again there is always acceptions to this.


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sniper
Posted: March 9th, 2009, 8:25am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eric11
ANGLE ON tells the DP to pivot the camera not to change it's location per say, but again there is always acceptions to this.

Are we talking about spec or shooting scripts now? Obviously, in a shooting script you would find all those ANGLE ONs, POVs and what not but in a spec script the writer shouldn't be directing the DP imo, he should be directing the reader.



Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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