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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  House Of Lost Souls Moderators: bert
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  Author    House Of Lost Souls  (currently 2311 views)
Don
Posted: March 8th, 2009, 4:39pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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House Of Lost Souls by Malcolm Bowman (scoob) - Horror - Two thieves seek refuge in a desolate house after their getaway plan goes up in smoke. It's not long before they realize they may have been safer on the outside as the house starts to take on a life of it's own and play it's own game with the two - with deadly consequences! Light comic horror.  85 pages - pdf, format


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Scoob
Posted: March 9th, 2009, 1:21am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for posting this up Don, as always it is much appreciated.

This is just a little B-Movie attempt that I tried to write with a little bit of humour.
I guess some of it may be a little too over the top or annoying even, but I just wanted to write a more light hearted story this time round.
I originally wrote this as a short for the Screamfest 2 last year but I went over the page count and decided not to go with it or shorten it down because I felt the one I sent in was better in anycase.
So it's not the most serious haunted house horror script ever written but I hope that if you read it, you do get some enjoyment out of it.

Cheers,




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Scoob  -  March 10th, 2009, 12:09am
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abelorfao
Posted: March 19th, 2009, 11:50pm Report to Moderator
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Hello, Scoob, and thanks for replying to my script review thread. I've downloaded your script and I'll give you some feedback as soon as I can.
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abelorfao
Posted: March 21st, 2009, 12:05am Report to Moderator
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Hello, Scoob, I've finished reading your screenplay and here are my thoughts.

Overall, I found your script to be a nice read. I thought the story was inventive and flowed quite well. The action was well-paced for the most part, and the various situations the characters found themselves in were quite interesting.

The only major problem I had, unfortunately, was the conclusion of the story left me cold and empty. I don't have a problem with the idea of a downer ending, but it seemed you were building up to Eric (and possibly Steve as well) having some sort of spiritual awakening. Instead, the ending just sort of happens without anyone gaining knowledge or wisdom from the experience.

This also leads into a problem with the spiritual side of the story. Eric is deemed special enough to receive a vision from the house, but does not seem to benefit from it in anyway. The vision does not give Eric any insight into how the house operates or how to escape. Furthermore, Eric does not even succeed in his quest on either a physical or spiritual level thus leaving the question of why the house granted him the vision in the first place.

I realize this is a rough draft, so I won't nitpick over any minor errors but there are a few things worth pointing out. On Page 25, you accidentally introduce Basher's character twice. On Page 42, you forgot to formally introduce the Tramp in your action prose. You also gave Eric's character a last name even though it is never mentioned during the course of the story.

Eric's name is mentioned via dialogue almost immediately but Steve's name isn't mentioned until Page 4. You should consider mentioning Steve's name along with Eric's for the audience's benefit. Chickosky is introduced on Page 25, but his name is not mentioned by anyone in the story until Page 46. Again, you should mention his name earlier so as to allow the audience to associate a name to the face.

You may want to consider tightening up the more dialogue-heavy passages, especially the ones early in the film. On Page 8, for example, Eric says this line of dialogue: "Are you kidding me, Steve? Of all the houses in this street, you want us to spend the night in that wreck?" This line could easily be condensed to something like this: "You kidding, Steve? You want to spend the night in that wreck?"

You may also want to consider showing the mansion break-in Steve and Eric allude to. Not only would this add an action sequence to the beginning of the story, it would also make up for any length caused by tightening the existing script.

Once again, I think you have a very good story here and I hope my impressions will help you with your next draft.
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Scoob
Posted: March 23rd, 2009, 11:20pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you Abel for the read,

I will look at the more simple errors you have pointed out - thanks for doing so as I obviously missed those - and will correct them next time round. It's such a nuisance to miss such probably glaringly obvious things but I have a tendacy to do that.
Thank you for highlighting these glitches and that I should mention names straight away.

The ending is pretty bleak. I'm not pleased you didn't like it, but I kind of like it on a personal level. They were criminals and they would pay the price. Heh.
Perhaps it need not end on such a downer. I will definitly take your thoughts aboard and try and figure something out that also matches with Eric's flashbacks because I admit that never really came to fruitition! I will admit I kind of shoe-horned that flashback scene in to try and give some history to the place but that I just couldnt see fit for Eric to end up running the joint.  Nor could the Tramp, obviously,

I tried desperatly hard to minimize dialouge when I could - but again I might have to conceede I over did it at times. Perhaps I even repeated previous conversations, which is very annoying. Again, thank you for noticing and pin pointing these things out.

After reading your review, I was thinking of including the mansion break in and there being a small shoot out with police or ground staff and then having to regurgitate the old " They were killed and this is Hell and they to have to keep doing this for eternity" scenario but I'm not sure how that would fit in with Jerry's mob. But if I did write that, it would help shape shift the ending and maybe give a more pleasing closure?

Anyway, thank you so much for your time and thoughts, Abel.

Much appreciated,

Malc






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dresseme
Posted: April 16th, 2009, 2:05pm Report to Moderator
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Malcolm,

So I collected my thoughts after reading your script, go to take a look at the previous feedback, and see that the only review you have up basically mirrors what I have to say.  But I'll try to expand a little bit more.

I think it's weird you call this a "horror comedy" because it plays off more like a horror film for me; moreso one from the late 80's or early 90's.  For some reason, it reminded me of "Night of the Living Demons 1" or "2'; excluding all the sex/nudity (which I'll get to in a bit).   I don't know, when you said comedy, if you meant it was a tongue-in-cheek look at the horror genre or if you just meant there was funny dialogue.  It seems to be the latter.  If it was the t-i-c look, it didn't really come across.  

One thing that occurred to me while I was reading it was; where are the women?  A classic staple of the horror genre (or at least the one you seem to be going with) is women.  I mean, if you want to get REALLY stereotypical, most films like these have a good girl and a bad girl.  The bad girl, I could see being Jerry's girlfriend that he brings along.  Perhaps you don't really need any female characters, but it's something I kept thinking about as an avid horror fan.

I think your characters are good, however I think you should work on differentiating between Steve and Eric a bit more.  Steve is described with such color but then his dialogue is very similar to Eric's (outside of being a bit more sarcastic).  

I liked the "choose your fate" type of ending, but I wasn't crazy about the Matrix Reloaded-esque old man sitting at computer screens.  To me, this all seemed like you were trying to explain A LOT in a short period of time and wrap it up quickly.  I think, when it comes to films like this, the more simple the explanation, the better.

Oh, and LOTS of great visuals; the mirrors, the stairs, the house itself.  And great kills too.  You don't really see a lot of films like this anymore, hence why I keep referring to the late 80's/early 90's.  I could definitely see my friends and I picking this up at Blockbuster for a good B-movie feel (which is what you wanted).  

So yeah,  good job.  I would say, if you want a t-i-c approach, perhaps through in a bit more staples of the genre, but this works as is.  Good luck on further drafts.
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scmower
Posted: April 18th, 2009, 12:11pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah I thought it had a more horror vibe than a comedy one. Having said I did notice some comedic elements, mostly with Jerry being the kind of over-the-top mobster. For some reason I kept imagining Ralph Fienes in his In Bruges role when reading it. I thought the funniest bit was the "I can fix that" line after he's shot one of the monitors. That really worked.

I enjoyed a lot. It had some creepy scenes with the bangs and the laughing over the phone. Although I'm a bit confused about the whole flashback thing that Gary exeriences. Maybe I didn't piece it all together but I never really understood it or got a payoff from it. I know it's meant to be the house's memories but I still didn't get it.

I liked the ening though. I had an idea something like that would happen as it was starting to come to a head. I liked the idea of having to watch the house forever and being tortured by all the gold. But like the moral goes, they chose their path.  It's like their own personal hell in a way. Anyway good script and I hope this helps.    


Scripts on this site:
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Scoob
Posted: April 19th, 2009, 6:12pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Matt,

Thank you for reading and reviewing this one, appreciated.

You're right about my description for this - I guess it's not so much a comedy but a more lighter horror story than what I'm used to working on. I used to love the old horror comics like " Tales From The Crypt" but they went under a different title, damned if I know what it is - I was thinking of it more like something you would see on at one in the morning on some "Zone Horror" type channel. I refer to your last comment about it being a cheesey B movie that you might wanna watch for a laugh. That is hopefully what I accomplished without making it too silly.

I did think about the lack of women in this but it's just the way it went. I didn't see the point in including any just for the sake of it. I know what you mean though.

I'm going to have another look at some of the dialouge and see what I can do with Steve and Eric. Likewise with the ending, I wasnt sure whether to end it with a more traditional ending or a more over the top one. The computer room probably will go and I will put more into making the "house" have the final say. As you pointed out, I think I need to spend more time on the ending as a whole and I will probably try and make it more sinister and not so over blown.

Thank you ever so much for reading, Matt. I'm really pleased you seemed to have enjoyed it despite a couple of flaws and that delights me. It gives me some hope when I revisit this that I know where to pinpoint the problem areas and improve them.

Malc




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Scoob  -  April 19th, 2009, 11:16pm
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Scoob
Posted: April 19th, 2009, 11:22pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks scmower for reading this too,

Glad you enjoyed it, it's always nice to know you are on some kind of right track.

Jerry was definitly over the top, I have not seen "In Bruges" yet but if it comes on the box I'll check it out! Thanks for enjoying some of the lines in this if not just that one

About the flashback scene: I will admit I put that in afterwards and tried to put some more depth or history in proceedings. I kinda like it but I can see that it doesnt really add up in the end so Im thanking you for pointing this out as I will be looking to make it more fitting with the new ending.

And thanks for enjoying the ending, I think it fits but I just need to explain and elaborate on things a little more.

Thank you for reading my script and if I can return the favour just let me know.

Thanks again,

Malc



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