Before They're Gone by Paul D. Nave’ - Short, Drama - A man, witnessing a scene in a restaurant between an elderly woman and her hot-tempered son, intervenes when the incident reminds him of his past relationship with his now deceased parents.  14 pages - doc, format

Hi Paul,

You have some decent material to work with here, but I feel your basic story is structurally out of whack, and this holds it back from having the full emotional impact that it could.

You immediately set up the tension with Philip berating his mother in public, and Michael feeling that he has to intervene.  This quickly develops to the conflict of Michael confronting Philip, and basically threatening him to treat his mother better.  The tension then drains away as Philip and his mother leave.

The dramatic question you then want us to ask is, “Why did Michael do this?”  The question is quickly answered at the top of page 5, then the bulk of the story is occupied with flashbacks that illustrate his relationship with his parents.  While these scenes are somewhat touching, they don’t really add anything to the story or move it forward.  Pages 6 through 12 (half the screenplay) are devoid of tension or conflict.  We then get a pat ending that wraps it all up with a neat little bow.

A big part of the problem is that Michael, your “main” character, doesn’t change or have that key moment of discovery a short like this begs for.  It’s actually Philip who has the moment of discovery and changes, but this all takes place off-screen.  We only see (in a too convenient coincidence) the results of this transformation with the hug between him and his mother.

Michael is certainly the catalyst for this change in Philip, but we don’t know if this is an honest transformation, or is Philip just scared out of his wits after being threatened by a big stranger, or doing it only out of guilt?  We don’t see this development, so we’re left with a very vague sense of resolution.

I’m not exactly sure how you might go about reworking the elements of this story to get it to play better.  Perhaps if Michael wasn’t the helpful son, and instead the “do-nothing” sibling.  His guilt and regret is what prompts him to intervene.  Maybe at first he’s the one who doesn’t want to get involved, but after Laura wheedles the story out of him he finally comes to terms with his past failings and attempts to make some measure of amends by sharing what he’s learned with Philip (in a less “grab you by the face” manner).  Moving the confrontation closer to the end of the story would really help to maintain the tension during the exposition.  We are waiting for the answer to the “what’s going to happen?” dramatic question.

It could also be interesting to have Philip’s mother stand up to Michael and scold him for talking that way to her son.  It might also work better to have Michael and Laura spot them hugging outside the restaurant somewhere rather than seeing them through a random window.

The writing was generally good.  I’d try to trim down the opening blocks of description (less “flowery,” more direct and succinct).  The dialogue tended toward being “on the nose” in most places.  One specific area you should think about is Michael’s voiceover on the bottom of page 6 which is essentially repeated in his dialogue on page 7.  He’s telling Laura exactly what he was thinking,  we see him telling his mom exactly what he’s thinking, and so this will come across as very flat.  These two bits need to give us different information in order to move the story forward and not be redundant.
I’d also think about ending with something other than Laura goosing Michael.  It doesn’t seem like the right ending note for this emotional scenario.  Maybe something more intimate and less “cheeky.”

Thanks for sharing your work with us, and good luck!

-RayB