Tower of Choice by Graham Bottomley (botto) - Short - A man trapped in a towering inferno is offered a way out for himself and one other by a mysterious visitor. Who will he choose? His long-time girlfriend, his gorgeous new lover or a multi-millionaire offering big bucks?      24 pages - pdf, format

Hi Graham,

You’ve got a lot a problems with this one, and I don’t know if they are all correctable.  The premise has an inherent difficulty in the use of the “It was all a dream” angle.  Modern audiences hate investing time and emotion into a story only to find out it didn’t really happen.  As soon as folks find out that they just spent the last 20 minutes watching something that wasn’t real, they’re going to turn against you.  Since this is the whole idea of the piece and that aspect can’t be changed, I believe you have to trim the dream sequence down by at least half – no more than 10 pages.  People will still be annoyed, but at least the time lost will be less.

Next, the logic of the situation Josh is in is very wonky.  The relative from the past is there to rescue Josh, because (purportedly) another person time traveled out of this predicament, leaving Josh to die.  Since Josh is in an emergency situation and frazzled he might not see the flaws in this story (for example, why didn’t Aiden simply show up the night before and warn Josh not to go to work the next day?  Or better, warn the authorities that terrorists were going to hijack a plane and save everyone!) – fair enough.  But when the added element of being able to bring along another person is introduced, this should set off some alarm bells.  The time stream is already disrupted, saving Josh is going to disrupt it even more, and adding another person is exponentially compounding the theoretical problem.  Isn’t this merely going to set off a kind of t-jumping arms race?  It eventually makes sense when we learn that this untenable scenario has been cooked up by the producers of a game show, but it’s disappointing that, in the moment, Josh has to be too stupid to see all these problems.

I also have a lot of issues with the technology and the game.  Josh wakes up and has no idea where he is or what’s going on (Amy doesn’t seem to be exhibiting the same disorientation).  So undergoing this process causes some kind of amnesia?  But why doesn’t Josh remember that he is/was Amy’s boyfriend, but she does?

And what’s the deal with the time transporter at the end?  This business at the end makes absolutely no sense to me.  Josh was on a game show where he was induced to have a dream about a virtual situation that tests his scruples.  It was all a dream.  Once they’re back in reality, it is obvious that there was no time travel, it was just a “plot device” within the story of the game.  Then Georgia pops up and threatens Josh with a time-transporter, threatening to send him back to the burning building.  HUH?

It was all a dream (according to the host’s explanation, and other evidence), there is no burning building to send Josh back to.  So, now are we supposed to think it is somehow all real?  That time travel actually exists?  And if it exists, it has been put into the hands of a game show?  I was expecting to learn that that we were in a dream within a dream since none of this makes any sense at all, but it appears that we’re supposed to accept this as really happening.  This totally destroys any hope of this story making sense.  And even if it did make sense, why is Amy the one who gets punished in the end?  Awful, awful resolution in every way, shape, and form.

As I said, this needs a lot of work to get it to where it can hold up on it’s own.  Unfortunately, I’m afraid that even if you are able to get this story into the best shape possible, it will ultimately still be unsatisfying for the majority of your audience.  Keep working at it and see if you can plug the holes and give us a third act that makes sense.

Good luck!
-RayB

Thanks for your comments Ray.

I agree with just about everything you said, and especially about the time travel device sending Amy back to the Towering Inferno. It isn’t logical. A friend who spell/grammar checked suggested that I add the ending where she is whisked off by the device. Huge mistake! It would have been better to delete it all together.

Many viewers would be annoyed that it was a dream... It might play out better if it is a time travel competition where contestant’s memories are erased before travelling and restored upon return?  

Once again thanks for your time and thoughtful comments – and I won’t be listening to friends for plot ideas from now on. Hopefully, the next draft will hold together more coherently.

It was good idea, i liked the setting. The conversation when they find mike is unatural but otherwise its well written. The gameshow twist was decent but it needed to end there, as mentioned above it became a confusing mess. an editing of the end and it would be a nice script.

Hey Barkman,

Thanks for your comments. I’m glad you liked it, other than the nonsense conclusion.

I’ll definitely look at the dialogue when Josh discovers Mike with a view to giving it a more natural take.

Probably the best and safest thing to do is leave out the accidental Amy time travel conclusion. But, as I said in the above post, I am contemplating a time travel competition where contestant’s memories are erased before travelling and restored upon return. This would allow for the same conclusion with Amy whisking off and the device shattered – with Aiden revealing that “travellers” are returned to the last destination setting, being the Towering Inferno.

Of course, Josh doesn’t get his retribution, but it might play out a little too obvious, if he was to be thrown back into the Inferno. Although many would like him punished...  

I feel it is best if the dream idea is deleted. I’ve always felt cheated when TV and film goes down that very unsatisfying avenue.  

Again, thanks for your time and input.