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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  Picking Up (was The Plan) Moderators: bert
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  Author    Picking Up (was The Plan)  (currently 3352 views)
Don
Posted: March 15th, 2009, 5:51pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Picking Up: Episode 1 by Tom Pascal (tommyp) - Series - John builds up the courage to talk to a girl through Barry's guidance, as Barry has a date planned with a sexually promiscuous girl. 4 pages - pdf, format

Picking Up: Episode 2 by Tom Pascal (tommyp) - Series - Barry's date doesn't go as planned. John practices some pickup lines, but feels he is making no progress.   6 pages - pdf, format

Picking Up: Episode 3 by Tom Pascal (tommyp) - Series - John and Barry go to a party, which doesn't turn out quite as expected. Barry starts to get more attached to Sarah, and John meets a certain type of girl for the first time... a drunk girl. 8 pages - pdf, format


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Don  -  June 13th, 2009, 1:16pm
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Tommyp
Posted: March 15th, 2009, 6:11pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for upping these Don.

The first one is a bit longer than 7 pages.... oh well.

This 6 part webseries is being filmed by the same guys that made "The Plan" (short film), which is on youtube at the moment. Because it's being filmed, I felt I could chuck in a few camera directions here and there, so that's why they are in there.

I understand the humour won't be to everyone's taste, but I hope at least some people enjoy it.


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stevie
Posted: March 15th, 2009, 9:25pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Tom!  I don't usually read shorts but checked these out. Great stuff!  Very well written with good dialogue - very funny at times. I will be interested to follow the further adventures of Barry and John.
A couple of things: I assume this is set in Australia( Maccas, KFC, rooting) yet you make a joke about Manchester scum?  And there's a couple of typos but i'm sure you'll pick them up. Cheers buddy!

PS it's funny how 'rooting'doesn't get beeped! Rooting hilarious actually!  like the fact we spell 'ass' as 'arse' and it don't get gonged either. damn, our slang is cool!


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Tommyp
Posted: March 16th, 2009, 6:19pm Report to Moderator
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Hey man, thanks for the read.

The guys that are making the series are from London, so that's why I mentioned Manchester. Some of my dialogue might have to be changed to suit England...

And yes, our slang is very cool

Glad you liked it.


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dresseme
Posted: March 18th, 2009, 1:04pm Report to Moderator
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Ok, being that this is so short, I'd imagine you'd be looking for it to be a web-series, if anything.  However, I don't really feel like there's ever any set-up of the characters, therefore they're kind of generic.

That being said, I did enjoy the shorts.  I thought the dialogue was rather snappy, and at times, funny.  I particularly enjoyed the "nunnery" bit, the part at the end of the first ep. with all the slang terms, and the dream where John is trying to "neg" the girl.

I do think you missed a bit of an opportunity for a comedic scene in the first episode when Barry pushes John into the girl.  All she does is "yell" at him, and we don't even know what she yells.  Seems like you could have done more.

These episodes seem to be an exercise in dialogue, and for that, you passed with flying colors.  Like I said though, you might want to work on characters if this is going to be a running thing.  I guess I'm mainly just curious as to what you're going for with this whole thing.
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Tommyp
Posted: March 20th, 2009, 2:38am Report to Moderator
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Hey man, thanks for the review. Yeah, it will be a webseries

I understand your point of setting up the characters. I just wanted to jump straight in to some comedy and action, as they are short episodes. They are generic, I want people to see themselves in the characters and relate to them.

Glad you thought it was funny

Point taken about the missed comedy moment, I will have to go back and rewrite that. I think I might have rushed that bit...

Exercise in dialogue? I don't know if that's a compliment or not. But yes, I am very knew to this writing thing, so all the stuff I am writing at the moment are exercises in a way.

It's going to be 6 episodes. I have it all set out how it will end, and how the characters will change and such. And yeah, you are right, I have to make the characters less generic.

Thanks for your review, and glad you liked it.


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Majorgeneral316
Posted: March 21st, 2009, 7:06pm Report to Moderator
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Hey.

Found these scripts hilarious man, really entertaining.

Both characters are really funny. I liked episode 1 better though, the scenes in the park had very good dialogue. It was paced perfectly.

I would love to see this on film.

Good Luck.



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Tommyp
Posted: March 25th, 2009, 6:31am Report to Moderator
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Hey.

Glad you like it! Thanks... very kind words.

MODS: The title of this is being changed to "Picking Up". If someone could do a quick change on this page, it would be much appreciated. Thanks.


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Posted: March 26th, 2009, 6:17am Report to Moderator
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Tommy, i like this series lots! Both are excellent and stay faithful to each other and the story. Feels like the a series with progression

episode 1, i dont like the Manchester thing, whats a girl from manchester look like? where are they? if its london then no way would you spot it, if its Manchester then why mention it??

episode 2, Was not fond of the forgetting his shoes gag, bit too silly, i reckon going back for his "black book" would be more in character.
Liked the American Pie style gag with the "spag bol" cringeworthy just reading!

All 3 episodes are excellent, cant really pick a fave but prob go 2,1,pilot if pushed!
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Toby_E
Posted: March 26th, 2009, 1:20pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Tommy,

I read episode one, and couldn't say I was too impressed man. Which isn't good, as I'm guessing I'm the target audience (17 year old bloke?). To me, it felt like an un-funny version of Inbetweeners. You seen that show? That managed to be 'dirty', funny, but at the same time touching in parts.

There wasn't anything wrong with the script, apart from I didn't feel entertained by it... Oh, you should have introduced Jasmine as a character earlier... You call her "girl", and the suddenly Jasmine.

But yeah, I'm sorry mate, I just didn't find it amusing. I could see where you were aiming for funny moments, but they didn't make me smile... I actually groaned at two of the jokes.

I don't mean to sound like a dick, that wasn't my intention. Hope you don't take offence.



Now, onto episode two.

Okay, the library scene, what the hell? I am rarely left scratching my head... cringing at the same time. I'm a fan of vulgar humour... but something about this scene made me uneasy.

Okay, the erection scene with John's dad... An actual good set up, but really didn't like the Dad's one-liner, or John's reply. You could have got two decent laughs there.

I thought Sarah's reaction was a bit extreme? I mean the dude was a bit late... What guy isn't?

You need a stronger punchline to end it with...


Okay, overall, I didn't enjoy these that much. Usually, with comedy scripts, I chuckle in a few places, smile in others, and cringe in a few. In yours, I only did the latter... Also, some scripts aren't that funny, but the delivery makes the jokes work. I just didn't see enough moments of humour. I don't think it helps that I really disliked the two main characters... In Superbad, the main characters were smutty, but they also had redeeming features. They were amusing, and they were caring, and they were actually pretty good guys... Your two main characters are horny charcters who want to manipulate women, to have sex with them, then tell their friends about it...

May I ask, what comedy films/ programmes influenced you to write this?

Oh, and I hope you don't take what I said as offensive... Really didn't mean it to be. I was just stating my opinion.

Take it easy man, Toby


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Toby_E
Posted: March 26th, 2009, 1:22pm Report to Moderator
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Oh, and I'm from London... You really can't tell a Manchester person from their looks, and there are no stereotypes of them being 'easy'.

I'd change the dialogue to say something like, "She looks like an Essex girl". Essex girls are stereotypically 'sluttish', in both appearance and behaviour.


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Tommyp
Posted: March 26th, 2009, 5:26pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
Hey Tommy,

I read episode one, and couldn't say I was too impressed man. Which isn't good, as I'm guessing I'm the target audience (17 year old bloke?). To me, it felt like an un-funny version of Inbetweeners. You seen that show? That managed to be 'dirty', funny, but at the same time touching in parts.

There wasn't anything wrong with the script, apart from I didn't feel entertained by it... Oh, you should have introduced Jasmine as a character earlier... You call her "girl", and the suddenly Jasmine.

But yeah, I'm sorry mate, I just didn't find it amusing. I could see where you were aiming for funny moments, but they didn't make me smile... I actually groaned at two of the jokes.

I don't mean to sound like a dick, that wasn't my intention. Hope you don't take offence.


Hey there.

I'm sorry you didn't enjoy it. What people think is funny is subjective, so I was expecting people to dislike this one.

Yeah, you are the target audience.

I liked In-betweeners. Wasn't awesome, but pretty damn good.

Point taken about Jasmine. Thanks.

What jokes did you groan at? Be as harsh as you want, I need all the help I can get in improving my writing skills.


Quoted Text
Now, onto episode two.

Okay, the library scene, what the hell? I am rarely left scratching my head... cringing at the same time. I'm a fan of vulgar humour... but something about this scene made me uneasy.

Okay, the erection scene with John's dad... An actual good set up, but really didn't like the Dad's one-liner, or John's reply. You could have got two decent laughs there.

I thought Sarah's reaction was a bit extreme? I mean the dude was a bit late... What guy isn't?

You need a stronger punchline to end it with...


What was wrong with the library scene? Is it that you didn't understand it? Or you understood it, but thought it was too crude?

Comedy characters are supposed to be a bit over the top, so that's what I was going for here. Also, straight away the audience knows that Sarah is a bitch. Because yes, most people wouldn't get that annoyed when someone is late. But point taken, thanks. (I'm not trying to argue with you, I'm just trying to justify with what I've written.)


Quoted Text
Okay, overall, I didn't enjoy these that much. Usually, with comedy scripts, I chuckle in a few places, smile in others, and cringe in a few. In yours, I only did the latter... Also, some scripts aren't that funny, but the delivery makes the jokes work. I just didn't see enough moments of humour. I don't think it helps that I really disliked the two main characters... In Superbad, the main characters were smutty, but they also had redeeming features. They were amusing, and they were caring, and they were actually pretty good guys... Your two main characters are horny charcters who want to manipulate women, to have sex with them, then tell their friends about it...


So therefore my characters have to be like the ones in Superbad?!


Quoted Text
May I ask, what comedy films/ programmes influenced you to write this?

Oh, and I hope you don't take what I said as offensive... Really didn't mean it to be. I was just stating my opinion.


Of course I wont take offense, I love feedback

I don't really know what films influenced this... I'll have to get back to you on that...


Quoted Text
Oh, and I'm from London... You really can't tell a Manchester person from their looks, and there are no stereotypes of them being 'easy'.

I'd change the dialogue to say something like, "She looks like an Essex girl". Essex girls are stereotypically 'sluttish', in both appearance and behaviour.


Fantastic, thanks. I'll make the change.


Quoted Text
Take it easy man


You too bro. Thanks for the read and the help. Pity you didn't like it, but what can you do hey?!


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Tommyp
Posted: March 26th, 2009, 5:30pm Report to Moderator
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By the way, here are the titles for the series (I didn't make them):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_kkF5pYYx90&feature=channel_page


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Toby_E
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Quoted from Tommyp
So therefore my characters have to be like the ones in Superbad?!


Nah, I was just giving an example of how a film was able to turn these type of characters into likeable characters, if that makes sense?


Quoted from Tommyp
What was wrong with the library scene? Is it that you didn't understand it? Or you understood it, but thought it was too crude?


I understood it, it just felt out of place... Like it was a bit too harsh, if that makes sense? I have no problem with stuff being crude, or whatever, but it went over the top. I'd tone it down a bit, make it a bit shorter...

You had moments which could have been funny... But you didn't really deliver. Like the spaghetti scene - You could have had two moments are great dialogue, from the Dad, then from the kid's response.

Toby.


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Trojan
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Hey Tom, I think you did a pretty good job with these. I have to admit that I do know a bit about the PU scene, and I found the characters to be very believable. I like how you have John making excuses at the start of the first script for not approaching, as it is something every guy goes through at some point.

I thought you were setting him up to be the awkward/shy type of guy around women, but then after his interaction with Jasmine I wasn't so sure. The bit where he mentions he likes poetry and then changes his mind when she says she doesn't like it is good. But then he goes into asking her out and suggesting a candlelit dinner and giving her a wink. IMO I don't think many newbies feel comfortable asking girls out straight away and they usually stammer around a bit and try awkwardly to create some rapport. So to me it seemed like he went from shy guy to sort of sleazy guy in an instant, and that left me unsure about how he generally behaves around girls. I think you could have had him asking her more AFC type questions and just looking very uncomfortable trying to talk to her.

As for episode 2, I like the visual of John in his room trying out cheesy pick-up lines. I think that scene works well.

Where Barry's date with Sarah is concerned, I'm not too sure about this. From episode 1 I thought you were setting up Barry as the player type, the guy who is good with women and is helping out John. But from the way he is interacting with Sarah it makes me think he's actually not that much of a ladies man. When she gets upset he is very quick to apologise and he tells her how much he likes her etc. IMO I think it sets him up as being kind of weak, where instead I would have him playing it pretty cocky and changing her mood from upset to happy. So when she says "I never want to see you again", he might say something like "Wow you're a pretty good actress. And if I wasn't so irresistible I might even believe you" while giving her a cheeky grin.

But that's just my take on the character and that might not be the direction you want to take him in. On the same topic though, the part where he tells John that he and Sarah are going out now, it made me wonder why he would want to date a girl who has a reputation as being slutty. Like I can understand him being a player and wanting to sleep with her, but actually dating her would strike me as being out of character for that type of guy.

And if she really is the slutty type, one thing I think you could do is when they are having the ice-cream is show her eating it very suggestively. So there is no doubt in the readers/viewers mind about what she has in store for Barry. Perhaps she could be eating a banana split and she happens to deepthroat the banana while making strong eye contact with Barry. Maybe that is a bit cliche but I am just trying to think of visual ways to emphasise her character.

Anyway mate overall I think you have done a really good job here, I look forward to reading the rest of the series.

Cheers,
Tim.
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