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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Immortal Moderators: bert
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  Author    Immortal  (currently 1949 views)
Don
Posted: March 23rd, 2009, 6:49pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Immortal by Kimberly Britt - Horror - A lonely introvert and an ambitious nurse think they have stumbled upon the cure for vampirism, but in order to test out their theory, they have to outsmart a vixen vampire looking to take over a powerful clan.  86 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  October 29th, 2009, 8:05am
updated draft
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ReaperCreeper
Posted: March 31st, 2009, 1:02am Report to Moderator
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I always enjoy a good vampire story. This was going pretty good up until the last act, where the plot just went out the window and the script ended abruptly.

I think this script could use a bit more weight -- perhaps ten more pages or so. You have an interesting story here, but it seems like you didn't quite decide how to use it. At the same time, it needs more tightening up. I didn't feel the last twelve pages or so were as good as they could've been -- Cecilia taking over as the leader and her killing Ian's parents felt  forced, not shocking like it should've been.

I also noticed that a lot of your scenes and plot-points are based on coincidences rather than a journey (Arabella showing in the nick of time to save Ian outside the hotel for example).

You left a lot of stuff out in the open. Does Ian's cure work? Did he die when Arabella bit him? There is something good somewhere in this script, but this draft doesn't do much for me.

--Julio  
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screen_dreamer
Posted: April 1st, 2009, 10:36pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the insight, Julio.  This is a very rough first draft, so I know it's gonna need a lot of work to get it up to par.  

Anyone else wanna sink their fangs into it? *wink*
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grademan
Posted: April 26th, 2009, 1:15pm Report to Moderator
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I read The Immortal and have the following comments.

Your idea of an immortal man whose blood is anathema to vampires was good. I like vampire stories and appreciate a twist on the vampire powers or weaknesses.

Your story was good although it took a while to get going. I appreciate Cecilia as playing the long plan to dominate the vampires. But I was confused by the ending: Could Belle even hurt Ian or is it that Ian has now lost his friend/lover?

Anyway, good start.

   Gary

Here are some technical points:

p-5: “Draging” is spelled “dragging”

p-8: The phrase “probably with lots of practice” is not needed. It could be incorporated into the prior sentence “His practiced hands move quickly and accurately”. This tends to tighten the flow of your writing.

p-9:     “hear” should be “near”

p-11: The sentence “He turns to the culprit, a woman dressed in old-fashioned MAID garb” can be clarified as “Ian turns to the MAID.” Again, tightening the flow.

p-12: Parentheticals are for how an actor is to say something not action as in “(on her way out)”

p-19: Parenthetical “(realization)” is not needed. The voicing is clear without the instruction.

p-23: Refer to ARABELLA as BELLE in character lines. It’s irksome to keep identifying her as Arabella when she’s called Belle by everyone.

p-42: The phrase “Did he hear her right?” is not needed.

p-45: “He pulls away as if feeling the pain, but we suspect it is all for show” How do we film this? Show don’t tell.

p-46: Did you mean “solitude” instead of “solidarity?”

p-49: “As he speaks, we can briefly see a purple gleam to his eyes and a flash of sharp fangs.” The phrase “we can see” is weak and should not be used. “The doctor’s eyes turn purple while flashing white fangs” is rough but better.

p-50+: No more new comments on formatting or word usage needed after this.

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screen_dreamer
Posted: April 26th, 2009, 10:01pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for your insight, Gary.  It is very much appreciated.  I'll be making those changes very soon as I work on the second draft.

Kim
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screen_dreamer
Posted: October 29th, 2009, 7:22pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Don for updating the draft.  

The ending is pretty much the same, but I added a lot throughout, so hopefully it makes more sense now.  Any additional insight would be greatly appreciated.
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