Two Beers by Napoleon Bonaparte - Short, Drama - A secret is revealed at a family picnic! - pdf, format

Wow, WTF?  Terrible...simply terrible.  I don't get it at all, don't see any of the challenge in here, and at 5 pages, it's WAY too short.

Sorry, but this one doesn't work at all.

Not sure if I liked this one or not. I didn't really understand things by the last page.

I see how you've incorporated the picnic, but I don't see the secret. Can someone else who's read this and understood it clarify what exactly happened?

This was all over the place....maybe quantity on the OWC is not equalling quality.  I haven't really liked any of the ones I have read yet.

Help!

Morgan

I'm trying to make sence of it but it was pretty pointless, wasn't it? It felt like this was really done to show off that you (whoever you are) know how to make certain scene headings, and talk directly to the reader as if you're writing prose.

...But you forgot the story.

Yeah, I don't really get what the secret actually is. I get the fact that the Man was an alcoholic or something like that and just wanted drinking buddies but didn't get an actual story out of this.

It seemed like the guy was telling his nephew about his sordid past.  Or maybe what he does during the evening that his wife doesn't know about?  That may be it.  Not a bad story, but it would be better if those points were more clear.

I'm not sure what to say. I liked it, but didn't like it. The writing was good. Interesting. The story tho was kinda of, meh. Maybe I just didn't get it? What confused me the most was the end. Why is he giving his car away?  

Some good dialogue in this... but overall I didn't like it.

This was a very, very well written piece, but it lacks the secret that everyone's been asking for. Though, from what I've read, which is a very good story, indeed (I don't know what everyone else is talking about), I think Our Man had lived a different life before, one filled with being friends with homeless people and getting it on with prostitutes, while breaking the law by taking beer out in public. If that's it, and I'm sure it's not, it's not very well revealed to either the audience or the characters.

I imagined this one as sort of a Film Noir script, where everything is black and white, and all the characters don't really have a care in the world. This script is very artsy, with no actual character names and great descriptions that really set the mood. Though, I have to admit, the first description about the clock is extremely unnecessary. If the time is insignificant, and that "nothing...Nothing is happening," then why put it there in the first place?

I'd love to see this script filmed. Just clear everything up a bit. If you do plan on filming it any time soon, go ahead and leave the clock shot in if that's the way you want it. But just clear everything up, make the twist more comprehensible, and don't end it all too abruptly.

Sean

Sorry but I didn't get the story. Though I think it doesnt' fit the OWC. There are too many descriptions and you must write what we see.

This is quite a perplexing script.

I did like this, however:

Quoted Text He looks at the bartender. He looks at his cash. He looks at the bartender. The bartender removes the caps.

It feels to me like you are alluding to something a bit deeper, but unfortunately, it's not displayed.

Andrew

I am just going to echo what has already been said really. It was very well written and interesting piece which ultimately did not seem to go anywhere. I never got it, I have read it twice and still do not understand what is going on. It will be interesting to hear what you have got to say on it when the writers are revealed.

I don't feel this met the challenge and felt the descriptions at the start were clumsy.

I didn't quite understand what was revealed.  I thought the homeless man was like a brother or something.

Slugs shouldn't be in bold.

Don't really feel comfortable scoring this one because I didn't really understand it. Still, I'll give it a go.

Meeting the competition criteria: well, it's a drama. And there's something that resembles a picnic, featuring family members. There's a hint at the existence of a secret, but it's not revealed - 6/10
Characters: I liked the hbo and the bartender. The Man really could have done with a name, I think - 5/10
Dialogue: Some of it was pretty good, but other parts were just too ambiguous. No point trying to be mysterious if you just come off confusing - 5/10
Story: I honestly couldn't follow the narrative. Is the final scene a flashback? Way too ambiguous for my liking. If you want me to put meaning onto it, give me SOMETHING to build on - 4/10
Writing/format: format was fine. The bold sluglines...I don't know what the actual 'rule' is, but I didn't mind them. The writing was good, but sometimes felt a little forced -6/10

TOTAL: 26/50