Edmund by Eijiro Ebashi - Short, Drama - After his edict forbidding her to see the boy she loves, a father is forced to face reality in his search for his runaway daughter. - pdf, format

Weird tale that"Edmund". A liitle bit too long but okay. It was okay.

About the formatting, you should not cut dialog with action not concerning the person who talks. Parenthesis are only for action for the talking person.

Otherwise, there's a picnic. OK. But the secret is not revealed during the picnic. You almost fulfill your task.

This was a strange story and at times was just too over the top, like when the dad thought Edmund was a horse and was accepting.

I thought there was too little picnic. It just seemed like if it's the theme it should be a big part of the story and here it wasn't. A lot of the dialogue didn't feel real. There was something off about it. Not sure what. It was a complete story tho.

This is my first read for this OWC and it as interesting to see so much German dialogue having just come from the Hitler video. Coincidence?

Anyway, I think the main problem was that this one didn't really build. The story was solid, there was some drama at the picnic though there could've been more, and then after the picnic it kind of dragged. I don't think it was necessary to have the flashback of him mistaking the older woman for his daughter as the event was recent enough and the dad was hesitant enough to show the audience that he didn't want to repeat his mistake. One other problem with this scene for me was that I have a hard time believing that this father who is so obsessed with his daughter didn't even recognize her right away (unless she was wearing sunglasses or had her hair covered by a hat).

One other scene that seemed to cause it to drag was the police scene. Honestly, I don't think it added anything since the scene ends with him being asked if his daughter kept a diary. From there neither the police nor the diary are mentioned again. I think this would've flowed a bit better if he hadn't gone to the police station and just goes from him calling Maria to the cafe.

Not a bad attempt for one week's time and I actually liked the bit with the horse.

Wierd for sure!  Really wierd.  It didn't work. It was dull. It was poorly written, with way too many wrylies and incorrect useage of them as well.  The dialogue was very poorly done.  Bottom line though, is that there really isn't much of a story here at all.  What was the secret, BTW?

Sorry, but this one doesn't work for me at all.

Quoted from Dreamscale What was the secret, BTW?

The secret is the title of the script, and revealed at the bottom of page 2.

I really don't think the comments regarding the writing not being good are justified.  There's absolutely nothing that's really that bad about this.

From a story standpoint, I thought it worked quite well.  I believe others may be expecting all the scripts to build up to a big secret at the end, and that didn't happen here, so it throws people off.

I think this was a good effort, and a little bit of a fake twist at the end added a bit of comedy.

Regarding SOME of the parentheticals, they were a bit odd to read, but not confusing and not enough to take me out of the story.

Quoted from Shelton The secret is the title of the script, and revealed at the bottom of page 2. I really don't think the comments regarding the writing not being good are justified.  There's absolutely nothing that's really that bad about this. From a story standpoint, I thought it worked quite well.  I believe others may be expecting all the scripts to build up to a big secret at the end, and that didn't happen here, so it throws people off. I think this was a good effort, and a little bit of a fake twist at the end added a bit of comedy. Regarding SOME of the parentheticals, they were a bit odd to read, but not confusing and not enough to take me out of the story.

I agree with Shelton. I thought this was one of the better entries in this competition.

I really liked the scenes with Helmut all alone, trying to find way to occupy himself, even with Bridget occupying his mind. I felt many of his actions were realistic: calling the school, waiting at home, going to the cops after 24 hours, etc. I found myself relating to the guy as I've shared the same feeling of regret over a pointless mistake.

The part where the horse talked really threw me off. I immediately thought, "Please tell me you're joking," so when it turned out to be a silly mistake on Helmut's part, I laughed. The script worked for me. Good characters, good writing, and an overall good story. A worthy addition to the OWC.

I don't know what to think about the horse part. I admit I laughed and though "Oh no" but then it was just a mistake, just like the mistake he made letting Bridget go so it fits if you look at it that way.

I think you could lose some scenes, the flashback when he spots Bridget for starters.

I'm no expert on German but I thought the dialogue was fine and the writing great. I had no problems with that.

While there wasn't a big secret, it was a good story of an overprotective father realizing his mistakes letting his daughter go. I liked it.

I liked it.

A simple story really. A man who's lost his wife and only has his daughter left is scared to death of losing her as well. He makes a mistake and he drives her away from him. He suffers immensely from his own mistake. He's worried about his daughter or perhaps worried even more about himself being left alone...

The secret was revealed at a family picnic. A small family, only two people, but that's still a family. The secret was Bridget having met a boy.

The horse part was fine. However Helmut's line about shaking his hoof didn't work for me. It came off as clunky and did not fit his character IMHO.

The dialogue is fine. At least to me because I read this in my head with a German accent so it was fitting.

I agree with the parenthazise (sp) should only be directions for the person speaking.

Good job.

I read thinking that maybe the story would build or something exciting would happen, but nothing really came. Now in no way am I suggesting something needs to blow up but while I was reading nothing really excited me about the story. And my issue isn’t with the secret, I don’t care about that. But while the writing itself is fine, the story didn’t seem too captivating.

I think it’s a generic story told okay. It is very solid however when I think about writing in a week.

Sorry I couldn’t be more use. I did like it, just not love it.

Very nice story about a father who is forced to deal with the reality that his little girl has grown up. The father had some real angst and I think we worked through it and accepted his daughter and her choices. The ending fit the tone of the rest of the story, nice and sweet.

I thought this one worked quite well. It wasn't dull and it was well written.  I was thinkin' this might turn out like that memories one at one point....lol, I think that would have been interesting.  Anyway this fit the challenge and worked well.  Good job.

I loved this, It is easily the best OWC I have read so far. I thought it was a really well told story and was written very nicely.

If I am going to be honest I would wonder whether this was written for the OWC at all, obviously the picnic and secret reveal played such a small part of the script that I cannot help but wonder if this was a script that had already been written. Don't worry if I am wrong, you should take it as a compliment, I doubt I will read many scripts written better than this in a week.

If we had to vote for the winning script then I might feel compelled to mark this down for straying too far from the theme of the OWC, if only to be fair to other writers who stuck to it more ridgedly. But we don't, so it does not matter.

Nice one.

This story kept me reading because I couldn't wait to see what happened next.  That is the most important thing as far as I'm concerned.  The little thing with the horse at the end was really cute, and highlighted the quagmire of emotions this poor old man found himself in at the thought of losing his dearest companion.  His daughter.  It made me really feel for them both.  Well done!

I liked this.

While it's more of a comedy than a drama, it has enough drama to pass, I would say.

My only comment would be that maybe you should make bridgett more normal, which would heighten Helmuts oddness.  She came off as much too immature for a 17 year old, and that sort of made her odd as well.  I find that odd-character based comedy works better when there's a really normal character to ground him.

Does that make sense?

You can't reply.

I hope so.

Tyler