House of Usher by Archibald Robert - Short, Drama - Some secrets are best left untouched. - pdf, format

Hmmm, wierd...very wierd.  Not bad, but some odd phrasing and the like.  For instance, you say they're in a 4x4 room...is this meant to be a joke, or something?  Obviously, no motel room is only 4x4, cause the frickin bed wouldn't even fit.

You met the requirements and ended with a surprise, so that's good.  Overall, I guess it's pretty well done, although a bit dull throughoiut.

I thought this was pretty well done, your writing is nice and you did a good job of writing this. I loved your descriptions of everything.

The story was good, though it was obvious to me fairly early on what was happening, I am not sure you really needed the conversation about brother and sisters a b**** etc.. It gave it away really. Plus I am not sure he would say it was sick, when clearly it is what they were doing.

You built this up well however, really nicely paced and overall it worked very well.

Nice one.

Some quality descriptions here. The dialogue felt simplistic and natural. I didn't like the end of the script when the secret is revealed; I guess I was expecting something different. It works, but I just didn't care for it.

I liked the scene with Georgia and Ed in the hotel room. Again, natural but peculiar and alluring. I love this description:

She saunters over to the en-suite – doesn’t touch her
clothes, or attempt to cover herself. She’s too comfortable
for that.

Any actress (especially one who doesn't mind a little nudity) will appreciate a line like that. It's a small description, but it reveals so much about Ed and Georgia's relationship, I don't think the secret at the end would work without it.

Great writing. I just wish there was a better story, or at least a better climax.

With the clever repartee, I had an inkling this was incest, but then changed my mind when Ed was with Anna.

This one didn't really do it for me at all. I'm sorry.

I had a hard time with a lot of the descriptions.

Lots of talking with hardly anything visual going on at all.

The dialogue was okay, just way too much of it.

Too many character with none of them standing out as our protag or antag. The result being I didn't connect with any of the characters. Which also means I didn't care what happened.

The big secret felt uninteresting to me as well.

I'm really sorry I don't have a lot of positive to say here.  

Hmmm...Really good, pillow talk dialogue...got a real dramatic flavor and some good tension and conflict cooking...4X4 room is pretty cozy...Guessing you might be not using feet, like us Americans might do...Get kind of lost when introducing Sed...Switches gears and never really switches back...Ending was a bit of let down...No real explosions, just sort of fizzles...I thought Dialogue through out was good, though, and the writing was crisp and clear...

Never heard of a family Saloon before...(us yanks might call it a sedan)

ah! incest. The story worked. Very well done.

Edit to add: The audience were the ones let in on the secret at the end, not the characters. Absolutely brilliant. Your script by far is the best one posted here. Talent.

I suspected at the beginning, then thought I'd been led to believe it falsely, and then found out I was right in the first place.  That's good, by the way.  That's a good type of story telling.  I thought the dialogue worked well, too.  It seemed very natural.  Well done.

I liked the opening dialogue, but as the story progressed I lost interest and had to read it a second time. As someone else said, none of the characters stood out. There wasn't any thing to hold my interest.

As for the story, there imo wasn't one...just a few scenes and a reveal. JMO

I really liked the first half, the dialogue worked well, but once it reached the park it fell apart. I'm guessing you ran out of time because it feels a little more disjointed towards the end.

Also, I didn't really like the ending. I think you could've taken this one in a different direction and made it more interesting. As it is there wasn't much dramatic tension.

Liked the first half, just wasn't a fan of the second half. Not a bad attempt.

Love your title! Off to a flying start with the expectation of madness, mayhem, and debauchery!

I think you have a strong concept that would’ve benefited from additional reworking – I know, a bit tricky being a OWC!

Although your storyline is evident, I think there are a number of aspects you need to address:

-- I’m not sure of your intent with this dialogue: You’re like the brother I never had. I saw this as an unfair attempt to confuse the reader, not as a legitimate mislead.  

-- Who is Rick, and what is he going to sign? Importantly, does it have anything to do with the story? If not, why keep this?

-- Possibly too many characters. If you definitely want all of the characters, you probably need to further bolster Ed and Georgia, and subdue just about everyone else.

I wonder who you would nominate as protagonist and antagonist.

Descriptions
Your descriptions are generally very effective. There are some you might want to reconsider.

Distracting phrasing:

-- Two bodies are led together.
-- his looks are already on the wane (at late twenties? Maybe).
-- TV news headline reads.. – reads on television? Dunno.
-- …deserted aside from the imminent goodbye.
-- The huge park houses it with towing trees looming over.

Also, may want to replace insane with love, with lust; and complimented, with complemented; and slither (although technically correct), with sliver. I know they’re details, but they did jump out and slowed me.

Really like what you did describing Georgia walking to the en-suite and what she does after she closes the door.

I think there are several instances where you could’ve been more economical. Two examples, cut:

-- enclosed within (referring to the en-suite).
-- much like a meet and greet between dignitaries (we’ve got it by this stage of the story).

Dialogue
My view is that, regardless of the story style and the setting, some of your dialogue is static. This is a movie, right? We need to see things happen.

The two passages that I think particularly need revisiting are all of page 2, and page 8.

A good concept with the makings of a successful story structure, that needed more time to work it up to its full potential.

To whom it may concern

I liked this, unlike most I was engaged by the relentless dialogue and no action. It felt like a radio play more then anything but thats not a bad thing. I thought it flowed well and kept me interested until the end when the penny drops.

A good old fashioned character drama, something we simply don't see enough of these days I think so for that alone I give it merit. Some descriptions were a little strange which Dreamscale already pointed out but nothing too out of place. I liked the technique of Seb talking in voiceover at the end of one scene before transitioning into the next, a simple thing but it allowed the piece to keep moving forward.

Solid work.

Another "Whose baby is it?" secret.

Nicely written with some good descriptions (one or two strange ones though). Can't say I had any problems with the dialogue, so all's fine on that front.

I did have a few problems with the story. There were a few scenes that could be cut, Seb and Georgia in the car takes up over a page and tells us nothing. The secret didn't work for me, I didn't see it as a big revelation which all the talking led me to believe.

Also, one minor thing that got on my nerves was the continued use of (beat). There were A LOT of these scattered through the script which slowed it down for me, add that to all the talking in this, it didn't read as well for me as it could have.