The Domesticated World by Mustafa Kemal Atatürk - Short, Drama - A young member of a nudist commune learns of a world outside his own and intends to explore it, but will his wife go along? - pdf, format

I think this one wins the logline contest.  Who doesn't like nudists.

From a story standpoint, I enjoyed this quite a bit.  It's a very basic conversation, but I liked the subtle comedy that was weaved throughout.  There was just enough of ti for a drama.

I also think you did fairly good job with the characters and establishing Zechariah's naivety, coupled with Flower's knowledge.

Not too much else to say about it really.  I liked it.  That's about it.

This was a decent effort but the comedy fell flat for me. As it is a drama challenge and this is a dramatic script with a bit of comedy thrown in though that's not a major problem. Mike Myers is a rich man, and he's lived off similar humour.

I think you would have been wise to create a bit more action to go along with your dialogue as, apart from the obvious, there isn't a lot going on on screen.

I think you should have had a bit more description for your two main characters than just man and woman. Firstly, they must be good-looking as they have been chosen to move to the centre. Secondly, Flower must have impressive 'melons' for one of your jokes to work.

The final thing for me was the end, which is another joke obviously, which again didn't work for me. Like I said before I don't mind you having some comedy in a dramatic script but to have the ending and resolution of your story a joke doesn't work. It's far too light-hearted and takes away from what's gone before.

It felt more of a comedy than drama but I liked it nonetheless.  I liked the concept though, just a bit too much talking. For what it was, I still enjoyed it.

No complaints about the writing or dialogue. I thought they were spot on.

I can't really think of anything to add, so you done something right.  

Not bad.  Amusing.  Talky, but the talk is funny, so that's good.

I like dramatic scripts to have an edge of comedy but the comedy just didn't work for me. Its not bad writing at all, just personal taste. Your story still amused me, it was certainly different.

Also I do like your logline lol.

All in all a decent script.

I thought this was okay.  It was unique, a Kurt Vonnegot-type satire that says a lot about the human race.

I think the subtle comedy worked as it kept the read enjoyable and moving forward.

I have to admit the ending fell flat for me and ruined what would have been an otherwise good story.  Just seemed kind of wrong to me to have a half-hearted joke at the end, and ultimately, I think it got away from Zechariah's character.

Speaking of, you have interesting names for everyone... Rafiki, Flower... Zechariah sounds like an amish person, but still interesting nonetheless.  And then, all of a sudden, you have Randy and Amy, two of the whitest Utah names in the book.  That seemed kind of weird to me.

So, minus the abrupt ending, I still liked this story overall.

- Mark

Quoted Text Whenever you talk I feel like hitting myself in the head with a hammer.

One of the better lines I've heard in a long time.

Overall it was okay.  A statement about more than one thing.  The world in general and the fact that no matter how good someone seems to have, they're never happy.  The grass is always greener.  Load and loads of innuendos, each one played off nicely.

A good effort!

Must stay sensitive to other's feelings...must stay sensitive to other's feelings...

No, I didn't like this at all.  Nothing going on, other than Flower's melons.  Dull, unrealistic...just pretty much going for some kind of joke that I wasn't privy to.

I found it completley unengaging, and I don't see any of the challenge in here at all.

Let's leave it at that.  Sorry, not one of my favorites.

I thought it was very cute.  It definitely wasn't a drama but I liked it.  In terms of a comedy I found it had it's share of chuckles.  I wish you hadn't tried to force some seriousness near the end, it was working as a comedy until then.

I think that this outside/commune thing was a bit uneven and you need to really decide how the commune people think of outside.  I'm not sure you kept the same idea afloat this whole script.  

One thing I think did not work was using leaves as currency.  Not only has that been exploited but it doesn't work.  This commune has sustained itself for some period of time, they aren't going to do it by trading leaves.  They would barter real goods with one another.

Otherwise, I thought it was a lot of fun.

I dunno... it was all talk. No action at all. It might be a easy read(for some) but sitting and watching people talk onscreen? That's something else.

Even though it was 12 minutes long, it only had two scenes. It could've ended sooner and I didn't see a story.

While I applaud you for making your action lines thin, the sentences weren't moving enough. eg: He takes a sip from his drink and then the two sit in silence
for a few minutes. get rid of 'then' and make two sentences out of it. actually say : he sips his drink. they sit in silence. cut the fat.



Hope you find this helpful.

Thanks all for the reads! I've been busy with school and found out about the challenge the Friday they were due. The concept was one that I thought was funny and would challenge me to try to mix drama and comedy without letting one overpower the other. The reactions about that seem to be mixed. I literally sent this one at about 11:57 PM that Friday and rushed through the ending; I didn't intend for it to end on a joke and I know a few of you weren't pleased with that.

Shelton - Glad that the logline drew you in and you enjoyed it. Thanks for the read.

stebrown - This is a fair criticism of the ending and I'm sorry that it detracted from your enjoyment of the script. I assumed the character descriptions could be vague since everything was revealed later in the script but I can see how that would be annoying to a director. It's definitely something I'll have to watch out for with future scripts. Right now I'm drawing a blank as for how to incorporate more action into the picnic scene but it's something I can definitely play around with. Thanks for the comments.

1987brian – Nice to hear that you enjoyed the script. I may play around a bit more with the picnic scene so that there’s more action and it doesn’t feel like “just talking.” Thanks for the review.

Seamus19382 – Looks like you enjoyed the read. As addressed above, I’ll look to make this one a bit less talky. Thanks for the comments.

BryMo – Sorry this one didn’t quite hit the mark for you. If given more time I would’ve liked to pump up the drama a bit or tone down the comedy so that it doesn’t feel too funny to be a drama. Appreciate the read and glad to hear you like the logline. I could use more practice with those.

Rc1107 – As I said above, the ending was rushed and I think it should definitely be changed. I also think you make a good point about the names, and something that I didn’t consider. I was going to say that the names were a sign that the two were born and raised in “domesticated society” and moved to the nudist commune later on, which is why their relationship isn’t as sexualized and more ideal, though to be honest that was something I just came up with rather than something I planned. I may end up just changing the names. Nice to hear that the ending didn’t completely ruin the script for you; thanks for the read.

Steven8 – I think there are a lot of statements about people and society in this one and I’m glad that you picked up on them. The line you quoted was actually inspired by the immortal Arrested Development when the mother (Lucille) confronts her son (Buster) and goes something like… “Buster, what’s wrong with your head?” “Nothing, Gob was just teaching me how to hit it with a hammer.” Thanks for the comments and happy that you liked it.

Dreamscale – Fair enough, like I said I only wrote this in a day so my emotions aren’t tied into whether or not people like it and obviously everyone has different tastes. I’m not sure I agree with your comment that there’s none of the challenge in there though. Thanks for the read, sorry you weren’t engaged.

Mcornetto – I think your comment about the leaves is a valid one as they were there just to set up a joke and you’re right about the logistics of it. I had this notion that nudist commons in general usually consist of people trying to get in touch with nature and their natural existence while escaping society. The one in this script sort of got away from that and just became a place for a bunch of horny old guys to live an oversexed lifestyle. Zechariah was searching for a place more like a traditional nudist commune and mistakenly believed that “the domesticated society” would be more like that. I had most of the elders badmouth and avoid the domesticated society as it was their way of justifying the lifestyle that they lived and Flower kind of bought into all of those lies. Hopefully that gives you a better idea of why each person seems to view the outside differently. Also, the seriousness at the end was to try to stay in line with the challenge. Thanks for your thoughts and the read, glad to hear you had fun reading it.

Jammingirl – I didn’t really concern myself with how this would be represented on screen since I figured the odds of a producer trying to film a short about a nudist commune (of this nature atleast) would be rather slim. If I had more time I would have liked to add a third scene at the end of this one but I’ll agree that the story is rather light. The points you make about my action lines are good as I’ve been trying to improve those in general in my writing and your comment gives me something else to look for. Thanks for the read and the comments!

Ok, so, that was an interesting script.

For some reason, I couldn't dislodge 'The Village' from my mind with this one. Was this an influence? The commune felt a little like Jonestown with the clearly odd leader.

Regards the comedy, it didn't hit the spot for me, but then I felt like you were placing an emphasis on subtext - what did the commune represent? Or am I looking at it in the wrong way?

Personally, I am not a huge fan of the surreal, and it was an inability to place a time period of this one that ultimately bothered me. I guess it was against the backdrop of the current economic climate, but the idea didn't feel grounded in a substantial enough environment. Had the park been a closed off commune, then maybe it would have had a basis. An environment that the 'domesticated' can invade took away from this notion of a separated people.

Zechariah felt shallow, yet conversely deep. He wanted - naturally - to commit himself to a variety of experiences before committing to Flower, yet, he so carelessly disposed of her at the same time. That left me questioning his key drivers - what are they?

The writing stood up, and there was no real problem with that. I think with more time, you are certainly capable of something very good, but you committed - in this case - to an idea, and then had insufficient time to develop it.

Andrew

Andrew,

Interesting mention of The Village as that film didn't even cross my mind. I've seen it, didn't really enjoy it but can certainly see the resemblance.

I pictured this one set in present times and the community was one that wasn't exactly part of the public park, but was close enough that someone from the public could theoretically stumble upon it if they got lost. More than anything, the precautions being taken are out of paranoia rather than necessity.

As for the character of Zechariah, I saw him as someone that may have loved being with Flower at one point but the spark has fizzled and he almost wants to escape her as much as he wants to escape the society. I was considering a further conflict where Zechariah was interested in another female from the commune but scrapped it due to time.

Thanks for the read, some good points and stuff to consider. I'll have to take a look at your other stuff when I get the chance.

I didn’t read any prior posts.

This one is just okay for me. Some of the jokes fell a little flat for me.

I enjoyed some of it though. I like the premise of the commune where people have lost touch with the world around them to the point that its members are oblivious it’s even there. And the dialogue is good except for some of the jokes which were like Austin Powers jokes with less visuals. I groaned at a few. Like the dirty nuts joke.  I didn’t really get all the “Ohs” near the end either.

Overall it struck me more as okay or harmless, you know? I didn’t hate it but it didn’t really make an impact either.

Nice writing though. I paid no mind to it aesthetically. It moved right along and flowed well. Nothing hung me up. If you had written a drama according to the OWC guideline, I probably would have really enjoyed it.


Breanne