Chasers by Eoin O' Sullivan (badbaz) - Short, Horror - A group of rebels who prey on the innocent are unknowingly stalked by a mysterious stranger. 13 pages - pdf, format

Eoin,


This was good. But it was a monster story I've heard before, and I'm sure others have heard it, too. The bad guys choose the wrong guy who ends up being a monster or serial killer or whatever and teaches them a lesson.

Your descriptions were well written, though some of them went on a little too long, such as the opening one. It took a while before the car actually came in, when you could have shortened it down a bit. Same with the parking in the parking lot scene. Just say something like, "They park the car in an empty parking space." Or you can even take out "empty" from that.

The flashback with the old man staring at them is unnecessary. We just saw it, we know what has happened, it doesn't add on to anything.

You call the old man a stranger, but then old man, and you continue to switch it around. Stick with one name.

This whole thing with them being "chasers" is confusing throughout the script until it's explained. First, we don't know what they're doing and what it is that they do. Second, you have the whole thing explained in a short paragraph of dialogue spoken by the stranger, who apparently isn't who he really is. (Why is he wearing a mask? Is he really a cop or just pretending to be one?)

There's a problem with these types of monster short scripts. They are like the opening of a feature film, and at the end, you leave us wondering what has just happened, with a lot of questions to ask. Who are these chasers? Who's the old man? What was the creature that killed them (a werewolf?)? What's the backstory of all these characters? I'm sure if you made a bigger story, you could add on to this and make it into a feature script.


Sean

Like Sean, I found this story competently written, but with nothing to really set it apart.

I mean, when you introduce a character as "The Stranger", we can pretty much guess where this story is going -- and it goes there.

I had no problems with your narrative style, and enjoyed your characters and their banter well enough. I do have a few nits here and there in the script.

You introduce and describe several peripheral characters when they enter the pub, but I see no real difference between the Regulars and the Stranger.  You should give him a distinctive characteristic to make him stand out a bit.

And then you cut back outside, which is a wasted scene.  Introduce all of these new characters as Billy and his friends enter the Pub, so Billy is meeting them at the same time we are.

You give Cleaver a bloody nose without showing us how he got it.  Yes, I can figure it out, but why not show us?

I was disappointed that their big "scam" was such a simple affair, and had hoped for something a little more elegant.  And a bit unrealistic that elderly drunks would be carrying much cash.

So I would not say this needs to be a longer story -- just a better payoff. I would try to take this story in the same general direction, but strive for something unique in those final pages.  

As Sean said, this story is a pretty old one.  I've read it a dozen times in the old House of Mystery comic books many years ago.  A bunch of punks pick on the wrong guy and get their asses handed to them.

This script could be tightened up a lot.  It's thirteen pages long; you can easily cut it down to eleven.  The arguing between the three could be shortened greatly as it doesn't really contribute to the story.  They're punks; we get it by the way they're dressed.

I do think that you need to do more, though, in their character development.  Cleaver and Bill were too much alike.  I easily forgot who was who.


Phil

Thanks for your comments. Just to pick up on the comment on the eldery people carrying cash, they don't actually take them for huge amounts. It's an adrenaline rush and blackmail scam.

The fact that they have crashed into the person they are following and they are over the legal alcohol limit means their insurance is null and void and they can't call the police to report it. They take for the money afterwards. I wrote this based on a local gang who ran this scam and had a group of vigilanties turn the tables on them.


I'm not a horror fanatic like some of the people who have reviewed this script and wouldn't be familiar with work like it. It's my first short. It's not a complicated story, it's a simple tale, one which I wrote with the intention of filming myself. I think it has to be judged on it's own merits (or weaknesses).

The regulars and stranger are meant to be slightly similiar. I didn't want a big neon sign over his head. He has blend in on some level.

The same applies to Bill & Cleaver. What sets them apart is how they act, one submissive and one the ring leader. They are going to sound similiar, because they are.

Thanks for posting the redraft Don

Eoin,

I see this is a rewrite from almost a couple of years ago. Need to write more then that if you want to break into the biz IMO.

I found the writing to be pretty good, a bit long winded for me. I'm a minimalist, though. I like to tell the story as fast as possible.

Was the stranger a werewolve? that's what I got from it.

This was a revenge piece. A bunch of douche bags meet their demise from the hands of a monster. What gives the monster the right to play god? I think the STRANGER needs more dialogue in the bar. Why don't we care about the characters in order to build the tension?

I understand that there's a market for these types of scripts. I just think you need an inventive kill to pull it off. It's full of bad people we don't care about. So, tension is out the window. Bring me a visual that makes me cringe.

James

Thanks for the feedback James.

Not trying to break into the biz, just here to learn. I didn't write this with a market in mind. Have I written alot? No. Two shorts and a very badly written feature called Rife that I'm reworking at the moment. Also working on a black comedy.

The stranger wasn't really meant to be anything as such. If a werewolf is what you saw, then a werewolf it is. I specifically wrote it so that it was open to interepretation. I have a definite look that I want for this creature.

What gives anyone the right to do anything? I don't really want people to care about these characters, they are assholes, but I see your point. Yes, this is a revenge piece and was written as something I could direct and act in myself, plus all the stuff that goes with that. Tension or mood I want to build with lighting, atmosphere and sound.

Eoin

Greetings Eoin,

You do your fair share of reviewing, so it's nice to have the chance to return the favor.
I did not read the first draft, so I can't compare and contrast.
Your script reads pretty well, though I feel it could be tightened up.
The dialogue here is the strongest part of your story.
There's not much in the way of plot or character arcs.
Perhaps if you played the "little fish get swallowed by the big fish" theme it would help.
I'd like some kind of connection between the punks and the monster.
Some kind of play on predatory behavior would be fun.
I also think this story becomes more interesting if The Stranger is a woman.
As a monster, she lulls her victims into a false sense of security.
Alluring females are a simple and fun way to spice up the story.
A good effort and effective characterizations.
Now give it some plot and sassy monster fun and this will fly.

Thanks for sharing and keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

Thanks for the review and the comments ED. much appreciated.

As a horror fanatic, I really quite enjoyed this, even though I'm not particularly into the monster sub genre.

I have to disagree with some previous comments. I thought the characters, though similar, were generally well thought out. I even sympathised with Darla to be honest, she seemed less cold then Billy and Cleaver.

The story to read like more of a homage to classic horror rather then a direct rip off, which I thought was kind of cool.

I also enjoyed the writing style you adopted, you know your way around a key board, and it made for a more interesting read. However, certain passages could be cut down, particularly in the first few pages.

If you ever do develop this into a short movie, I'd be interested in giving it a watch. So hey, if it makes it to youtube, you should definately send me a link haha. All in all, well done man,

Jayden

Hi Jayden - thanks for your comments. My writing style is not for everyone, it certainly divides people. People from the UK seem to get my style of writing, people from the US, not so much! Everyones comments were valid in a certain context and were said with the best of intent, namely to help me the writer improve.

I'm glad you enjoyed it and took it for what it was. It was never meant to have a huge twist, well developed characters or even a character arc for that matter, just something that could possibly look good if shot correctly. I'm at the planning stage at the moment. Hopefully this will make it to Youtube at some stage, lol.

Hi, Eoin

Like Brett stated above, you have contributed a lot here so I didn't mind at all taking a look at what I believe to be a recent redraft.

Your observation "People from the UK seem to get my style of writing, people from the US, not so much!" I can see.
Before reading your remark the story read very UK humor to me, which is considered "dry" in the States, not that I have any druthers one way or the other.
I actually kinda like it when people stick to their native culture.
I don't really WANT to see the rest of the world Americanized.
I don't want things homogenized.
I'd like to just watch other people do their thing and appreciate it as a spectator.

As far as shorts go I think it unreasonable to demand or expect significant depth of character development.
"Folks - it's a short. Be reasonable."

As to your story -
Yep.
Stupid townies with nothing to do other than knock over a few easy old-timers for shitzengigles and petty cash.
I think I've met your kids a few times.

The author-dying-to-use-a-snippet-of-interest in regards to the MOE education of Darla went on a bit. Kinda space filler, really.
But I can see a some pot smoking (pathetic) twenty-somethings who'd spend "quality times" with a teen-something emo girl spending conversation like that. Just doesn't have a real place in the story.

Liked the "pain in the ass" joke just because kids like to talk in code and double meanings.

  EXT. THE WANDERER PUB - NIGHT
  A lone building stands shaded by a grove of trees and...
Pub's SHADED by trees at NIGHT?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. "In daytime they... " Got it. Still.

Snatching a whiskey of the stranger was kinduva stupid thing to try.
Liked a lot the line "My drink just grew a new hand and it's not mine."

Stupid kids: run in a bar, do something stupid, run right back out.
How pathetic. How typical.

Now, why a guy with "matted hair, soiled clothes and grotty finger nails" would be driving the sleek car in the lot escapes me.

I agree with Bert - Just include a line in your script of Cleaver smashing his face into the windshield or dash.
Dash probably be cheaper to budget for in film.
Darla would rocket forward, too.

In the screenplay go ahead and make it straight-up and evident Stranger is turning into a lycanthrope.

Billy's running full tilt but stops to look at the spooky something beside him and... ACK!!
Dumb@ss.
Have Billy-boy get throttled while still flat-outting as fast as he can go. Creature still runs with him. Depending upon how well your camera equipment is, keep the scene going - slam him into a tree. Throw him out into the field. Chase him some there. Cat and mouse.
Story is titled CHASERS, right.
Chase! LOL!

Speaking of which - everyone knows about werewolves, but this begins with "A pair of feral amber EYES as large as saucers. A large black cat blinks and slinks into the scrub."
Whadupwidat?

Hey, Eoin. Cool name. How do you say that?    Anyway...  

Your story – I liked bits of it. Some good dialogue & descriptions.  I laughed at their exchange outside the pub - good dialogue, couple easy jokes, right there. I don’t know about the whole UK/US humour thing you mention - to me there’s just funny and not funny.  Maybe it’s just because I’m a kiwi. Probably dry?

Ok…The MOE conversation. Love your attempt to get that in there, but it just didn’t feel natural to me that this bunch would be interested/know this? (Yeah, yeah. I know. Sounds as if I’m stereotyping) and I know someone already covered this, but when Darla said:
“Oh, now I get it. I always wondered where that came from.”   – I had to crack a little smile. I’m sure it keeps her up at night.
If you must have that convo, her line’s got to go IMO.

Once the Stranger catches them, and the suspense of knowing that this old geezer is something else/a razor-sharp Looney toon, we need some kind of tension from somewhere if you want to keep me interested and scared. Knowing he’ll rip them apart aint enough because I don’t even like these kids.
I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to be rooting for him to teach them a lesson, or if you actually wanted me to care about the smartarse ‘blackmailers?’ Or neither.
I'm a tad curious as to the handcuff scenario, too – handcuffs for a monster, werewolf, whatever? Weird. Although, Darla being scared shitless that she cuffed herself was good. Funny.

I’ve got to agree with (RayW?) about the ending. Billy should keep on running. Visually, that would be a ‘badarse’ way to go down.

Did enjoy this. Rehashed storyline, but what haven’t we heard…

Naomi

Ray - a drop of golden sun! Different Ray lol

Thanks for the read ould skin. Yes, the shaded trees, perhaps it should be sheltered or just surrounded, or nestled in a grove of trees.

Funny you should say 'The author-dying-to-use-a-snippet-of-interest'. That's just purely made up! In fact, I just made it up as I was writing the dialouge. It just seemed to fit the type of thing Bill would make up, smartass, yet seemingly intelligent.

Yes, why would a guy like that be driving such a sleek car? Shouldn't alarm bells be ringing for our half wit friends at this stage?

Thought I did show Clever 'The beaver' (not because of the action he gets, he has buck teeth) make some facial improvements by smacking his head into the dash. Must look at that again.

Might be a good idea to have Bill run a mini marathon through the forest. Might even include some water stops for him too lol.

And the plot thickens, why the puddy tat? Well, the biggest predator around these parts, besides blood sucking bankers and politicans is local freddy da fox. But he's camera shy. Cats when paid in tuna, not so much. In fact they love the limelight, start making demands about their own trailer and being groomed regularly.

I wanted the pair of eyes filling the screen at the start, because it's the Stranger in animal form watching our friends. Then it cuts to a cat. Are the eyes that of the cat that slinks into the bush, or something else . . . That was the eye dea. Not very clear though, slap on the wrist for me.  

Thanks again for the read.