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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Soulshadows II: For Sentimental Reasons Moderators: bert
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  Author    Soulshadows II: For Sentimental Reasons  (currently 4014 views)
Don
Posted: May 2nd, 2009, 9:28am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Soulshadows II: For Sentimental Reasons by Mike Shelton (Tanis by Robert Newcomer) - Series, Supernatural - Charlie Averitt's accomplishment of riding every major Ferris Wheel in the world is put on hold when a stranger reveals that he still has one more to go... the Wheel at Prypiat, near Chernobyl.  With pride and his most prized possession on the line, Charlie sets out to take what may very well be his last ride. 31 pages - pdf, format



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Revision History (8 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  May 3rd, 2009, 2:50pm
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mcornetto
Posted: May 2nd, 2009, 6:19pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Mike and Bert,

Just listened to the iScript.  That was a blast.

Tanis is going to be especially interesting in these iScripts.

I liked the changes you made to this Mike since I last read it.  The story feels really complete now.  

Great job! Loved it.
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 2nd, 2009, 7:54pm Report to Moderator
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I read it earlier, and will give it a listen ASAP.

I'm going to hold out on my comments at this point, but I will say that it was interesting, and I like the "real" locales. I'm a big proponet for that sort of stuff, and it give this a "big " feel, which is always a good thing.

Nice work, Mike!
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Old Time Wesley
Posted: May 3rd, 2009, 2:37am Report to Moderator
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I listened to the iscript. The one good thing is they make descriptions sound better and gives a voice to the characters.

Descriptive writers will thrive off the iscripts (I am screwed)

The guys reading of Tanis makes the characters dialogue funny. If that was the case okay but if not I don't know. The accents for Yuri & Vlad were pretty good.

I feel doing it because of an old man hounding him and stealing his keychain is a little drastic. You set it up that he and his father had a poor relationship. I also do not buy that his father would talk like that especially on his death bed and in that buy him a keychain but not give it to him.

I think the cop should take it anyway even after being warned. Shows that the party continues in a sense.

I'm indifferent about the ending. I feel it should end with the cop holding it, cut to Tanis and the dangling thing works better but like the end scene for its visual flare and callback; unlike the previous scene it doesn't transition as well in my opinion.

I enjoyed it overall.


Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.
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stebrown
Posted: May 3rd, 2009, 5:46am Report to Moderator
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Hey Mike, nice way to start things off. I really enjoyed this one. I've only read the script not listened to it, will get to that when I have access to a computer that doesn't turn itself off when I ask it to do simple things like that haha but I digress....

This was a strange tale and I liked how it was very unique with the actual places and the whole ferris wheel angle. It's a good goal for Charlie to hunt for and in the end a good trap to get him. I'm not sure if it needs to be something bigger than the key chain or if you just need to beef up what it means to Charlie and why. I know it symbolises a lot to him but when faced with a near impossible task I'd imagine he'd forget about it. Charlie didn't strike me as a very couragous character to be honest with you.

One part confused me. When Vlad is talking to Charlie in the car he doesn't seem to know anything about Charlie riding the ferris wheel, but then he seems to know everything when he says "That has already been thought of" about how he's actually going to do it. I don't know if that was just a mistake or if I'm reading it wrong but it just kinda stood out. Another thing about that scene was the 'Airplane' joke, it felt a bit out of place.

I like the whole premise of this but I wasn't a fan of the end, with him being haunted by his father. I'd rather you just left it out or thought of something a bit more mysterious. One idea is to just close in on the key chain ferris wheel when the police leave it and we see Charlie, shrunk down' riding that for all eternity. Haha, that would be a bit B movie but would be quite creepy I think. Something like the original 'Fly'.

Anyway, really enjoyable read and a great way to kick off Series 2.

Ste


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bert
Posted: May 3rd, 2009, 2:36pm Report to Moderator
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Buy the ticket, take the ride

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As far as pure concept, this is perhaps my favorite idea for an episode so far.  Googling some images of the climactic site was pretty inspiring.

I also liked the slow deterioration of Charlie.  I am pretty sure this is not how radiation poisoning actually works, but in the context of this story, it is perfect.  I visualize this in terms of Spock, trapped in that chamber in "Wrath of Kahn", where every time the camera returns to him he is a bit scabbier and nastier.  A very nice device for this tale.  

As for the ending, I did predict where we were going for the most part, which is not so much of a twist as it is a conclusion.  I have tried to think of a way to lend the conclusion a little more punch, but nothing has occurred to me yet.

Listening to the audio is always a lot of fun.  This guy did a pretty good job, but so far, every time I have heard Tanis "brought to life", it has been by a man -- with varying degrees of success.

I would love to hear Tanis read by a woman -- someone who is willing to really buy into this character fully and give her the voice she has in my head.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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steven8
Posted: May 3rd, 2009, 9:51pm Report to Moderator
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~SPOILERS~

Steven Spielberg.  Only Steven Spielberg could do this script justice.  I wish this were 1985, because I would have LOVED to see this done on his Amazing Stories!!

The big Ferris wheels, the pier, the desolate wasteland with the rusted hulk of a wheel rising up out of the middle and oh so creepy the old man.  Spielberg would have done this right!

Mike, I have no idea how you feel about Spielberg, but let's just say that this is pretty much my ultimate compliment for a script.  Fan-f***ing-tastic!

Sucked me in, buddy!  I don't believe it's too much of a stretch that Charlie would go clear to Russia to get that charm back.  H***, he stole it off his dad's dead body!!

Ste caught the same thing I saw, in Vlad's conversation during the car ride being out of sync.  He seemed unaware, then knew exactly what was happening.  Only glitch in an otherwise perfect script!!!


...in no particular order
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JonnyBoy
Posted: May 4th, 2009, 12:40pm Report to Moderator
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Listened to the iScript, and great job, Mike! This really had the feel of one of those 'scary' shows I watched as a kid - Goosebumps, Are You Afraid of the Dark, Grizzly Tales for Gruesome Kids - which I assume is exactly what you're going for (although obviously for a slightly maturer audience), so that's supposed to be a big compliment.

Only thing that came across as being TOO convenient was the death of Charlie's father - he goes from being lucid and seemingly fine to just suddenly dying, which felt a bit odd. But maybe that was because the guy reading it made him sound too healthy and it's more obvious in the actual, written script...dunno.

Anyway, good job! I look forward to the rest of the series.


Guess who's back? Back again?
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Grandma Bear
Posted: May 4th, 2009, 12:40pm Report to Moderator
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I'm surprised not more people have read this one yet.

I read it a while ago and I really liked it. I thought the whole idea with the ferris wheel was interesting and I enjoyed the characters and the places the story took us.

I wish more people will read it and not just the super shorts posted here.

My husband and I both listened to it while lounging outside yesterday. I thought they did a good job on it.

Bert, I believe they charge double if you use both female and male readers instead of one. Also when it comes to the readings themselves, I know I personally prefer a "straight" style of reading over a reader who tries to "act" the characters. That's the reason I didn't like the work of that other couple that did script readings. Like my script Power Plays. They over did it. IMHO.  


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Shelton
Posted: May 4th, 2009, 1:29pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks to all who have read/listened so far.  It looks like most people are enjoying it, and I'm glad.  I originally came up with the concept near the end of the first series, and it was good to finally get it down on paper.

To address some of the issues brought up so far...

The inconsistency of Vlad is defintely a boo-boo on my part.  I wanted there to be a bit of mystery surrounding him and his back and forth, but I wasn't clear enough with it on the page, and it comes off weird.

Going what he went through for a key chain can seem a bit odd, but my main reasoning behind this was that he wasn't going to let his Dad stick it to him anymore.  He wasn't supposed to have the key chain in the first place, and I had hoped that having him take it from his Dad's dead hand would show just what it meant to him.  There's also a bit of rationalization in his interview where he says how his Dad was so supportive.

I did a little bit of research regarding the effects of radiation, and how it's laid out is fairly accurate.  I'm not exaclty sure if the timing is correct in that regard, but I thought it added a little more urgency to things.

From a personal standpoint, I'd say this is my second favorite genre to write outside of comedy.  I've written a few scripts in this realm, and have always been pleased with the results.  It's much different than the standard gore, but can still have a creepy effect when it's all said and done.

Thanks again, all.


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"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: May 4th, 2009, 4:36pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS!

I too like writing this type of genre, even if it doesn't make much sense to people. lol. A lot of cliches here like the mysterious Vlad or the Ukriaian Yuri but I'm a childhood fan of those. You really can get rid of cliches.

The original parts I found were the Ferris wheel concept and Charlie acknowledging his demise yet continuing to go. That's a new approach to the tale. I would have never thought of a Ferris wheel in regards to the way you used it.

Overall, I liked it. These tales brings back a tone and certain time. I sense a great season.  

Gabe

Bert, awesome Tanis. Hopefully she can be categorized among Rod Sterling's Twilight Zone and the crypt keeper from Tales of the Crypt.


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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James McClung
Posted: May 4th, 2009, 7:44pm Report to Moderator
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This was a cool script. Fresh territory with lots of mystery. Until Vlad, I was never sure what angle you were going to take, which really racked up the suspense. That said, I think you could lose Vlad's description of the legends surrounding the Ferris Wheel. It really puts a damper on the mystery. The radiation is enough to know the place is bad news and I think you set the story up well enough for the audience to know there's more to it than the mundane. I'd also lose Charlie asking if Yuri's the devil. Again, mystery's the best thing you've got going for you here.

The opening scene seems worthless to me at this point. It does little to develop Charlie's character. If anything, it's loaded with contradictions. Albert doesn't seem too happy with Charlie's life choices, to say the least, yet he hands off the key chain. I think the key chain would be even more meaningful and important if Charlie had a good relationship with his father, which I think is neccesary; it's a long shot that Charlie's going to risk radiation poisoning to get it back.

Just some suggestions. I really enjoyed the script.


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stevie
Posted: May 4th, 2009, 8:38pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Mike. That was the fastest 32 page read ever! Man, it just stormed along!
Top notch all around. i haven't listened to it yet but will do. The only (very minor) negative was it was fairly easy to see early what the likely end would be. I agree with JonnyBoy about it being like Grizzly Tales. And it had a very distinct Stephen King flavour.   Nice work!



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Shelton
Posted: May 4th, 2009, 8:55pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the reads, guys.  Glad you liked the angle I went with.



Quoted from James McClung

Albert doesn't seem too happy with Charlie's life choices, to say the least, yet he hands off the key chain. I think the key chain would be even more meaningful and important if Charlie had a good relationship with his father, which I think is neccesary; it's a long shot that Charlie's going to risk radiation poisoning to get it back.


Albert didn't exactly hand over the key chain, Charlie took it from Albert after he passed on.  Hence, the haunting.

I don't remember Grizzly Tales at all.  I'll have to look that one up.  Was it geared more toward kids?  I was a bit old when Goosebumps came around, but grew up on Tales From The Crypt, Tales From The Darkside, Monsters, Twilight Zone, Night Gallery, and Freddy's Nightmares.


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stevie
Posted: May 4th, 2009, 9:15pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah Grizzly Tales for Gruesome kids is a kids show, done in England a few years back. it's repeated here in Oz every now and then. It's narrated and voiced by Nigel Planer, who played Neil in The Young Ones. The odd thing about the show is it has a sort of nasty undertone. The kids who play up in it always meet a not very nice end!
A lot of kids would actually be shit scared watching it!

How's Chicago these days? I have a mate who lives in Evanston. Visited there in 97 and had a ball.



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