Baby Shower by Eric Prokay (eprokay) - Comedy - Newlyweds Harper and Shelby seemingly experience an uneventful pregnancy.  But when the Baby Shower goes awry, the thought of responsibility coming out head first may be too much for Harper to handle. 97 pages - pdf, format

Is anyone up for a script swap?  Please let me know.  Thanks!

Eric,

So, I'm up to page 22, and I have to stop and jot down my initial thoughts.

First off, you capitalize all of your characters names every time you mention them.  You only need to do that the first time.
-----
Second, you have a habit of telling and not showing in your descriptions.  I've got quite a few examples, so I'll list them out here:
(Please note that I'm using the page numbers of the script, not the PDF)

(p.1) It's a beautiful day that only a picture book could depict.  - I understand kind of what you mean here, but if you actually think about it, this sentence doesn't make much sense.  I'd say, given that it's the first thing in the script, you should change it.

(p.3) The conversation turns sour.  - Talk about how Shelby's face changes to SHOW that the conversation has turned sour.  Or just don't say anything and let the dialogue speak for itself.

(p.4) Shelby tells Harper to hold off on the immature remarks with her eyes.  - This just comes off as kind of awkward.  Might want to change it to something like "Shelby shoots Harper a (insert adjective here) kind of look."

(p.5) Definitely not as hot as he remembers from last night. - Talk about Felipe's face to get this across and maybe describe the girl a little.

(p.13) ...as he finds this a little odd. - Talk about him arching an eyebrow or something.

(p.13) Shelby is easily annoyed. - Talk about her face/body language.  

(p.18 ) ...as they bask in this sacred moment of life's pleasant uncertainties. - This aside is unneeded and should be re-written to SHOW how they're reacting.

(p.19) Harper and Max continue to stick out as Felipe is in his element.  - Re-word this description ,as it reads a bit clunky.

(p.20) ...and wonders why Jamie doesn't blink an eye.  - Once again, show don't tell.

(p.22) Terry throws a tantrum. - Not needed.  Either rely on the dialogue or talk about her throwing her hands up, stomping her feet or something.

(p.22) Harper takes offense to Frank's comment.  - Talk about Harper's face.  How he takes offense to this...his body language.
-----
Third, there's some dialogue that came off as a little clunky, that I think you should fix up a bit.  Say these outloud to yourself and see if they sound natural:

(p.3) "Sometimes garbage comes out of my mouth just like sometimes people leave garbage on the beach." - Harper

(p.6) "You were the one in bed calling me Tom Brady." - Seth

(p.21) "I love you grandpa." - Shelby  (I wrote this one down because it seemed out-of-place.  Tony didn't have a reaction, and all of a sudden she's hugging him and saying she loves him.)
------
Aside from the dialogue and descriptions, you have a couple formatting errors in regards to time as well.

(p.2) -Use a slugline to show passage of time between the rescue and them on the beach later

(p.5) - Use SERIES OF SHOTS instead of a montage

(p.8 ) - Use SERIES OF SHOTS for the reception   (Also, use a slugline to separate the toasts, as they happen at different times.)
----
Other than that, your pacing with the story seems fine.  You do introduce quite a few characters at once, but they're all integral to the story, so it's not a big deal.  I do wonder, at this point, where the story is going however.  At this point, I'm not seeing it as too much of a comedy.  What I see as your attempts at comedy come off as kind of out-of-place, like when the kid tackles the officiant at the reception, causing everyone to fall over.  Not only is it out-of-place but it's not very believable.  There are amusing moments, but I don't know if I'd actually classify this as a comedy, but we'll see where it goes.  I'd imagine a lot of this hinges on the "baby shower".

Sorry if it seems like I'm being harsh on this.  My main problems with the script lie in the formatting errors I've listed above (which can easily be fixed).  

Ok, I finished the script.

To be honest with you, it was a bit of a struggle to get through.  I was holding off hope that the Baby Shower would be where all of the crazy stuff happened and the true comedy came out, but I was left with nothing more than an actual baby shower.  The jumping between the guys and the girls at least kept it moving, but in the end, it was really just 30+ pages of games and dialogue that wasn't all that relevant to the story.

And it was at this point (halfway through the shower), I was wondering: where is this going?  what is the conflict?  And there really isn't one for a good portion of the story.  And when one is finally introduced (Shelby leaving him), it feels very manufactured.  I mean, she blows up at him and leaves him over the alcohol?   I understand it would make her mad, but divorce-mad?  It just seemed like you felt you needed a third-act twist, and just threw that in there.  And then there's the electrocution, which felt even more out of place.

I guess, in the end, I just wanted more wacky things to happen at the baby shower.  Maybe make it so the guys aren't confined to the golf course and they go out and do crazy stuff that builds and builds in how wacky it is.  And the women try and have a normal baby shower but then things go hay-wire as well.  I understand what you were trying to do, comparing and contrasting the two, but the women's baby shower ended up just being kind of boring (and feeling like I was just watching a baby shower).

A few other notes I had:

(p.23)  Harper sighs - Doesn't need to be in caps.

(p.24) Resentment fills the car. - Explain their facial reactions/body language

(p.25)  Harper is busy working away, looses track of time. - Show, don't tell

(p.25) Harper wants to ask Cloie something personal, but doesn't muster the courage to do so. - Show don't tell

(p.26)  and it hits his opponent in the nuts.  - Change to "in the crotch."  The slang seems unprofessional.

(p.27) - The kid crapping all over Seth is a bit too much for me.  Maybe hear it happen over the phone?

(p.30) Harper looks out the window thinking about how he could position this request to Shelby. - Show, don't tell

(p.31)  I don't really get the Bugs thing.  I mean, I get it, but it's confusing dialogue.

(p.32) Don't capitalize LAUGHS.

(p.32), (p.35), (p.45), (p.52), (p.62)-  Use Series of Shots, not montage

(p.34) "That's what my mom said and that's why I'm here." - Clunky dialogue

(p.47) Say "pounds" not "lbs" in the dialogue

(p.69)  Why would Monica make that conclusion about the Beer Cart Girl?

(p.78 ) "I need your help in making things right with Shelby and the 20 inch 8 pound person inside her belly." - clunky dialogue

(p.80) "I'm this close to giving up and disappearing into bonerville." -  Huh?

That's about it.  Like I said, I would work on creating a better conflict in your story and introduce it earlier.  I would also see what others have to say about the script as well.