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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Valerie Moderators: bert
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  Author    Valerie  (currently 1078 views)
Don
Posted: May 20th, 2009, 10:10pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Valerie by Shawn Kelley (shwankjr) - Short, Comedy, Horror - Sam gathers the courage to ask the mysterious and beautiful new girl in school, Valerie, out on a date much to the chagrin of his best friend, Lena. Valerie accepts but little does Sam know, Valerie is hiding a deadly secret and has a much more sinister plan for their date. 8 pages - pdf, format


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ReaperCreeper
Posted: May 20th, 2009, 11:51pm Report to Moderator
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Hello, Shawn.

Was this something you just popped out in a couple of hours? It sure feels like it. I'm sorry, man, that's kind of harsh, but it really does feel like you didn't put a lot of thought into this story.

Also, I do not think it should be labeled as a Comedy/Horror. I think it feels more like a Horror story for young adults, like R.L. Stine's stuff, you know?

Your story template here is one that could easily be stretched to a 15-25 minute format (think "Are You Afraid of The Dark?" if you ever used to watch it back in the nineties). I think you should take up on that, because I feel like this does have potential. You did a lot with only three characters (4 if you count the mom), and there's still room for improvements and additions! That is commendable.

The small cast and modest required effects would make this Short VERY easy to film while still being marketable and entertaining at the same time. Your characters here all have a certain "kick" to them that I can't quite put my finger on.

However, back to my first comment, I do feel the script needs to be more fleshed out. It is fine as it is, but it could be ten times better, easily.

Minor complaint --

Dialogue: I do not believe ANYBODY would say "EPIC FAIL" in a conversation outside the Internet, specially if the character is seventeen.

Some of Sam's comments to Lena were a little insensitive and harsh, but I can somehow tolerate it because she's sort of the typical "girl friend who gets treated like a boy".

--Julio
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Baltis.
Posted: May 21st, 2009, 12:21am Report to Moderator
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Where did you go wrong... hmmm

Well, the title page is a distraction. You spaced like 2 to 3 times in between each letter. How about not doing that? Just a suggestion.

How do we know that Lena is Sam's "GOOD FRIEND" ? We can't see that by them two sitting by each other. Hell, I've sat by people I've hated before.

"GREAT HOT SHIT" <-- hahahahaha, that's awesome... probably not in a good way, either.

Anyways, to be serious here... You start this thing way too fast. I mean, we have nothing and you just shove it all in our face. I know you're only working on 8 pages here, but damn... It's like the breaks went out in my car and I'm traveling down the upper east of Sanfransico... It's crazy how you have little regard for the characters you've created.  Very shallow, even for an 8 page short.

Your dialogue, for the better half of 89% of it is implausable... I'm sorry, but it's true. "Witch Bitch" "Epic Fail" "Mushroom lasagna" "Kill me now"  C'mon... man...really?  

The ending is one of the most absurd insults to writers intelligence, probably ever... I've seen bad movies but this one would probably land a spot in the top 10. I guess you were right in your "comedy" assumption, but maybe not for the right reasons.  I think you write well... but I also, at the same time, don't think you took this seriously and just posted it up here for the hell of it.  Your heart wasn't in it and it's evident.

My opinion aside... You write well, but this story isn't one I'd recommend.


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JamminGirl
Posted: May 21st, 2009, 12:54am Report to Moderator
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Hey Shawn, this feels like a weird short version of "Some Kind of Wonderful(1987)" only with a few disney witches cliches thrown in.
What can I say... good format(?)


Family Picnic 10 pages.

After the Trade 3 pages

by T. Jasmine Hylton
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steven8
Posted: May 21st, 2009, 2:00am Report to Moderator
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Well, a trip to the urban dictionary taught me what 'Epic Fail' means, so now I'm caught up with the rest of you.

This is a good idea for a short 30 minute piece.  That's just it . . . it's too short.  More character development, and work on making the dialogue more natural.  Seems like you were maybe going for a bit of California cliche, to me.

Anyway, take this further.  It's a good rough idea draft.


...in no particular order
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Shawnkjr
Posted: May 24th, 2009, 7:07pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for all the reads. This was done as an exercise. We were given a limit of 10 pages.


Reaper (Julio):

-I agree this would probably work better if extended by about twenty pages.
-Are You Afraid of the Dark was once my favorite show as a kid. (recently I found and bought a bootleg copy of the series at a convention but the quality wasn't great; waiting for an official release)
- Glad you liked the characters. Did my best with the short time you see them.
-"Epic fail": Some of my friends use this when they are exchanging jokes. I can see how it may seem awkward though. Maybe I should rethink it.

Baltis:

-Not really sure why I spaced out the title page like that. It just happened. I think I've seen prof. script title pages like it but I'll change it if its such a distraction.

"How do we know that Lena is Sam's "GOOD FRIEND" ? We can't see that by them two sitting by each other. Hell, I've sat by people I've hated before.
"
-Understood. Got rid of it.

""GREAT HOT s***" <-- hahahahaha, that's awesome... probably not in a good way, either."
-What do you mean by that?

"It's crazy how you have little regard for the characters you've created.  Very shallow, even for an 8 page short."
-Really? I understand Sam being shallow but that's not what I was going for with Lena.

"The ending is one of the most absurd insults to writers intelligence, probably ever... I've seen bad movies but this one would probably land a spot in the top 10. I guess you were right in your "comedy" assumption, but maybe not for the right reasons.  I think you write well... but I also, at the same time, don't think you took this seriously and just posted it up here for the hell of it.  Your heart wasn't in it and it's evident."

-Really? I just meant for this to be a short fun read. It's not a script of serious nature its all just laughing at the situation. Especially how Valerie dies. Perhaps that was too over the top and ridiculous.
Thanks for the advise. Really appreciate your honesty.


Steven8:

I agree. extending this would make it better. Thanks.


Scarefest 2 presents: Home Malone - Short/Horror http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1220187087/
Spoiled - OWC Horror/Milk Exercise
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Colkurtz8
Posted: May 25th, 2009, 8:50am Report to Moderator
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Shawn

This does feel a little thrown together. The story is wafer thin, with no substance, background, reasoning...plus quite bizarre in places. I did laugh a few times though for both right and wrong reasons.

Your dialogue throughout was good I thought, better than a lot of the exchanges you read on some of the more "acclaimed" scripts on here. It flowed well and was humorous at times. These seem like good characters, especially Lena, its just a pity they were thrown into a rather ridiculous, badly thought through plot.

Usually a slitting of ones wrists results in death or at least a faint...Sam seems to merely walk it off and get off with Lena. Why did she fart before exploding? I laughed my ass off when I read it, was that your intention?

There is something here to work with, it desperately needs a rethink.


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24 Grams
Posted: June 4th, 2009, 8:13pm Report to Moderator
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Me? I always tell the truth...Even when I lie.

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I agree with what everyone here says...In the beginning Sam being the main character and all would normally be afraid to ask Valerie out, but does so in a matter of seconds. Lena finding out Valerie being a witch (or whatever) could be more subtle. And boy, Sam sure does change his mind real fast concerning Lena, from "not being really into that" to making out in a matter of screentime seconds...Says it all really.


Back Fence Talk (22pgs)

Robert Frost - “Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can’t, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.”
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