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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Leaving Tasmania, A Documentary Moderators: bert
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  Author    Leaving Tasmania, A Documentary  (currently 2672 views)
Don
Posted: May 20th, 2009, 10:10pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Leaving Tasmania, A Documentary by Tom Pascal (tommyp) - Short, Animated Comedy - Two bandicoots dream of greener grass, but getting to the mainland is harder than they thought it would ever be. 12 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

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Don  -  May 21st, 2009, 7:45pm
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stevie
Posted: May 20th, 2009, 11:03pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Tom, this is very funny, and extremely well written! It would be a great animation.
You have nailed the doco send up spot on as well as some Aussie lingo.
Top job.


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Tommyp
Posted: May 20th, 2009, 11:28pm Report to Moderator
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Continuity Is For Pussies...

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Thanks Stevie! Very kind.

Guys, this is my first animation, so I wasn't sure how much detail I should have in the action, compared to a non animation script. The bandicoots are obviously very cartoon, so imagine them like that. This a mix between Creature Comforts and Surfs Up.

Comments and criticism are welcome as always.


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steven8
Posted: May 21st, 2009, 3:42am Report to Moderator
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Tommy, this was terrific!  I would love to see this done by Pixar to show before one of their features!

I loved the mom reminding him that dinner is at six.  Excellent!
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JonnyBoy
Posted: May 21st, 2009, 4:40am Report to Moderator
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Hey Tommy, good work. You incorporated the presence of the camera and cameraman well, and your jokes were good. I liked the ending, too.

You have a couple of grammatical errors, and I was a little confused about the final scene - is that no longer documentary style? I'm assuming not, since one of the bandicoots couldn't have filmed the sign without seeing it himself, and there's no way the camera crew could be there...just looking for clarification.

Overall, though, nice job.


Guess who's back? Back again?
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LC
Posted: May 21st, 2009, 6:22am Report to Moderator
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Really funny - some great one-liners in here Tommy.

SEMI SPOILERS:
Loved the mother-bandicoot's lines in ref. to Toot & Twig. (terrific character names btw) I could def. relate to this-have known a few men - always with the next big plan.

         It’s always “this is it” and “this
         is the one”, but they always come
         back.

One of the bandicoots thinking he was going to see Big Ben on the mainland - and then after being corrected, not wanting to appear as dumb on camera - really funny.

There is only one scene in there I'm not quite sure of - in terms of it blending seamlessly with the rest - and you acquiring a PG release if you get my gist.

But the last scene is a classic. As soon as I read this line, I knew it.
        
         "Sheep are scattered all over the land, and there is
          not a human in sight."

The final big reveal. Great ending!


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Tommyp
Posted: May 21st, 2009, 8:00am Report to Moderator
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Steven... Thanks for the read and the compliment!

Jon... Yeah, I wasn't really sure how to do the final scene.... I though about it a lot, and would love to make it documentary style, if you have any ideas of how it could work...

LC... Thanks for saying nice things about the short! Glad you can relate to it. In regards to the scene you are talking about, I was going to make it all PG rated, but the animation company who were looking for a script wanted something M or MA rated, so I changed it around a bit.

Guys, do you think it would work better as PG? That would mean changing a few scenes, but it wouldn't be too drastic? Or is it good with a bit of sex, language and alcohol?


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Trojan
Posted: May 21st, 2009, 11:28am Report to Moderator
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Hey Tommy,

Nice story mate. Well written and good characters.

I noticed that for some of the slugs you had INT. BEACH and others you had EXT. BEACH. Is there a difference between the two?

Regarding the ending, I thought it worked well that they ended up in NZ. However I think it would work better if they had a specific reason and purpose to get to mainland Oz. At the moment it seems they are more worried about only getting out of Tassie so I felt the impact of ending up in NZ instead was a bit diminished. Like they escaped home but arrived somewhere different than they intended, but so what? As it is they don't know if they want to go to Melb or Darwin...what if they had a specific place they had to reach for a specific purpose? Not sure off the top of my head but maybe they want a job, or for girls (bandicoot schoolies week?), or to take mushrooms in Nimbin...just so them arriving in NZ has more impact. Just a thought.


Quoted from Tommyp
Guys, do you think it would work better as PG? That would mean
changing a few scenes, but it wouldn't be too drastic? Or is it good with a bit of sex, language and alcohol?


Didn't you say the producers wanted an MA script? If that's what they are after then I'd go that route, but if it is your call then go with how you would like to see it on screen. I think at the moment it is a PG script with a couple of M-rated bits thrown in. I'm not sure it fits with the tone of the rest of the script, maybe because you were unsure how clean you wanted it to be. If you do want it to be more adult perhaps you could play that up a bit more from the start so the whole script has that feel.

Overall thought it was a good effort and well executed, would turn out well if it gets produced I'm sure.

Cheers,
Tim.

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stevie
Posted: May 21st, 2009, 4:06pm Report to Moderator
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Bandicoot schoolies week!!! Excellent, Tim!  Tommy, whaddya reckon?


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Tommyp
Posted: May 21st, 2009, 6:38pm Report to Moderator
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Tim... Thanks for the read. the EXT and INT was probably just a typo. Here in Tassie, lots of people just 'want to get out' and don't really mind where. So that's what I was going for. But yeah, I agree that the ending would be stronger if they planned to go to a specific place.

I love the schoolies week idea! Very nice sir!

Well the production company were looking for script, so I thought I would write this, and I did it to what rating they wanted. They didn't want the script, so now I can change it around and have it PG if i want. With me? So yeah, I might make it PG...


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grademan
Posted: May 21st, 2009, 7:39pm Report to Moderator
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TommyP-Jumping on the bandwagon here. Great job. Maybe it should be produced by PIX.. no scratch that  - Pascal Animatiions?
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Trojan
Posted: May 21st, 2009, 10:24pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Tommyp
Here in Tassie, lots of people just 'want to get out' and don't really mind where.


Yeah that's understandable  


Quoted Text
Well the production company were looking for script, so I thought I would write this, and I did it to what rating they wanted. They didn't want the script, so now I can change it around and have it PG if i want. With me? So yeah, I might make it PG...


Yeah I thought that might be the case. I think your natural style would lend itself to being a good PG rated script so go with your instincts if that's what you feel.

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tonkatough
Posted: May 22nd, 2009, 7:18am Report to Moderator
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Ah crap!  I can't for the life of me remember what a bandicoot looks like and I live in Australia. Always liked Numbats. They're a cool critter.

Aren't those chocolate marsupials they have at Easter time in Austalia a bandicoot?

This was a joy to read.  People mention Pixar but I thought this had more of laid back Aardman sort of feel to it like Creature Comforts.

I liked the punch line at the end where the end is pretty much where they started, except with sheep instead of apples.  


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Tommyp
Posted: May 22nd, 2009, 8:35pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read Tonka! Yeah, bandicoots aren't really that interesting... until they start talking like mine.
Yeah, the ones at Easter, that's right.

I was thinking of Creature Comforts when I wrote this.

Glad you liked it man.


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LC
Posted: May 22nd, 2009, 9:22pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Tommy/Glenn, I'm pretty sure the Easter one is a Bilby. Bandicoots are bigger -a bit like a rat (but nicer looking). And they're constantly digging up my garden! Libby


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