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Body Parts by Brenton Cullen - Short, Horro-Comedy - Macka Adams, 17, has had a fight with his best friend Kate, also 17, and, after having detention a few days later, he goes home to find her severed body parts in his trash can. Another attack is soon taken place, where severed body parts of an elderly man also appear. Police are puzzled and suspect an animal is attacking these people, but then a shocking disoovery is made ... there is a cannibal in town! 18 pages - doc, format
I was just about to read this script...and then I read the end of your synopsis. You give away the ending right there and now I don't feel compelled to read it. There is no longer a shocking discovery made if the reader already knows what the discovery is. Can't comment on the script sorry because I lost interest after that.
That was your problem with the synopsis? It reveals the ending? You weren't bothered by the fact that the police suspected that an animal was killing people and leaving their remains in garbage cans?
That was your problem with the synopsis? It reveals the ending? You weren't bothered by the fact that the police suspected that an animal was killing people and leaving their remains in garbage cans?
Haha true, and all of this just from the synopsis. Imagine the fun to be had if you were to read the whole 18 pages
That was your problem with the synopsis? It reveals the ending? You weren't bothered by the fact that the police suspected that an animal was killing people and leaving their remains in garbage cans?
Phil
LOL!
Hey Brenton, sorry, I didn't read it but I noticed your formatting. It was manual, right? The names each have a line between them and the dialogue(which is also formatted improperly). Download the free Celtx software so that you wont need to work very hard at formatting manually. It will do the work for you.
I encourage no one to use Celtx software... Please, use Movie Outline "which is the best" -- Final Draft or Sophocles. Sophocles being tied with the best software. And although Sophocles is no longer around, many -- myself included -- feel it is easily the most user friendly and complete software you can ever use.
Sophocles can still be had, tho... If you know the right people. Not the trial version, either. A full working version.
And I read your script... It's almost everything but enjoyable. Your format, your dialogue and your lack of pace is what killed it for me. Logline aside, you have some work to do on it.
I have Final Draft in a basic free version they send out, but I think this BBC alternative is a simple way of learning the basics, but with a fair level of control.
It's essentially a set of templates that you tag into your Word, but can save to your own location. Really easy to navigate, and I find it no hassle at all.
Might be worth a download if anyone is having trouble with temperamental programs.
After my comments this morning, I felt a little bad decided to read this script. After doing so, the only thing I could think of was....fuck me.
Brenton, this script needs a lot of work. Starting with the formatting:
Eliminate the space between the character and the dialog. It doesn't belong there. Doing this will probably save you three or four pages on this script.
You should describe things only in ways that can be recorded by the camera. Either visually or via audio. Don't describe what people think, like:
Quoted Text
Macka’s pissed off. He feels angry. He feels distressed. He has just pretty much lost his best friend.
The kid is lying in a bed. That's all that the camera sees. This script is filled with this type of description. If Macka is so upset, then show us what he's doing? How do we know he's upset?
Your story was....real bad. It made no sense at all, yet took eighteen pages to show that it made no sense. You can't set something up, throw in a bunch of characters, and then hit us with a twist ending that makes absolutely no sense.
Characterization: in a nutshell, there wasn't any. All the characters sounded alike when they spoke. Maybe you thought that your characters were different from each other, but hey weren't. In your forced narration on page three, you describe Macka's father as:
Quoted Text
That’s my dad, Paul. He used to be an actor when he was twenty-five, before Louie and I were born. Then he quit and now he just runs a hardware store.
Using a voice over to describe a character is extremely lazy. And, in this case, it doesn't make any sense as his past does not play any part in the story. Come to think it, neither does he.
The same goes with Macka's sister:
Quoted Text
My sister, Louie, is ten. She hasn’t talked for two years. Doctors and mum and dad say it’s all just a phase, and she’ll grow out of it. Crap.
Aside from this little piece of dialog, she's not even in the story. Why even mention her?
Read some scripts, here, Brent. And figure out what you want to write in a script. You need to focus pon something and work from there.
Brenton, I feel your passion with regards to the plot and charactors. I am a newby as well and I see what it is you are trying to come across with in your story. I think if you visit it again, you will see (as I did) that honing the fine points can not only make it a tighter script, but one that is worth of selling because you have a great idea here, it is just ready for you to take it to the next level.
Based on your writing skills, that should not be a problem at all. Take care. Shawn.....><
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