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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short  ›  Inner Self Moderators: bert
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SimplyScripts
Posted: May 28th, 2009, 9:49pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Inner Self by Javier Torregrosa (jayrex) - Short, Comedy - Henry tries to fight his inner demons but can't. 5 pages - pdf, format


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JamminGirl
Posted: May 29th, 2009, 12:28am Report to Moderator
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Hi Jayrex. Very quick read. You have an interesting style of writing.

The story... felt empty. The characters felt distant and We don't see why the fellow hates Jessica's mother. How does the first scene relates to the rest of the story?


Family Picnic 10 pages.

After the Trade 3 pages

by T. Jasmine Hylton
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Trojan
Posted: May 29th, 2009, 1:22am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from JamminGirl
The story... felt empty. The characters felt distant and We don't see why the fellow hates Jessica's mother. How does the first scene relates to the rest of the story?


The mother telling him never to lie is the reason he blurts out the truth in the rest of the story.

I got what you were going for here, but it felt a bit glossed over and superficial to me. For a 5-page short I think you try and cover too much territory here. I think it could have been much more effective if you focused on one particular conversation between Henry and Jessica and showed us a bit more about the characters. For example the scene where he proposes, since they are both very young it would seem natural to me that she might be hesitant to say yes. So she might ask him some questions about why he wants to marry her etc. and here is an opportunity for him to struggle with telling the truth. I just think one scene with some depth and conflict would be better than a series of scenes that have no real impact.

Was a quick read though, and I like your basic premise. I think if you played with it a bit you could make it even stronger.

Cheers,
Tim.


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JonnyBoy
Posted: May 29th, 2009, 5:11am Report to Moderator
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Hey Javier.

This didn't really work for me, I'm afraid. I really like your way of writing, and this was a very quick and actually rather enjoyable read, but it left no impression on me. The gaps in the story feel so big I have to be careful not to tumble straight into them. You've pieced together snapshots of their life, but to what end? If there was supposed to be a moral, I didn't pick up on it. The ending came out of nowhere, but was confused rather than surprised me. I think I agree with Trojan that you show major moments in their lives but dispatch them so quickly that they don't have any real effect. A proposal, a wedding, a funeral - these should be big, dramatic scenes, and yet here they just drift by.

This reminds me of Liar Liar without the slapstick comedy. You always go for offbeat, unusual subjects, and I like that, but I'd be interested to know what your intentions were here. Based on the way that your logline doesn't really correspond to what happens in the script, I think it'd be fair to say that something got lost in translation.


Guess who's back? Back again?

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JonnyBoy  -  May 29th, 2009, 5:29am
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Baltis.
Posted: May 29th, 2009, 5:16am Report to Moderator
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Flat dialogue...
Flat characters...

The whole thing is too on the nose. "I've just discovered I'm pregnant"

"HENRY
Where are you going Jessica? I
havenít seen you in a week."  

<-- C'mon... At times the dialogue was so forced it couldn't possibly be contained, much like the truth inside Henry's head, I to have to tell the truth here.

This script just didn't work for me, either. I find Jim Carrey playing this role, as he plays the same guy in all of his movies. Again, not for me.
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FDiogo
Posted: May 29th, 2009, 5:22am Report to Moderator
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That "will you marry me" scene was to cold, to empty, to "not natural". She arrives and he simply asks her. And then she simply says yes. No mystery, no suspense, not romantic, not emotional at all.

I find the general idea very interesting but the dialogs are too empty. I think you should work on that.


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michel
Posted: May 29th, 2009, 5:33am Report to Moderator
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could anyone send it to me? I'm at work and can't get freewebs site. Thanks

rabbittshrink@gmail.com


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harrietb
Posted: May 29th, 2009, 6:18am Report to Moderator
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Hi Javier,

I, too, like your style of writing and found it a qucik read and I like the idea, even though it reminds me a little of Liar Liar.

However, I agree with Red that, rather that show a series of scenes, it might have been stronger to concentrate on a single scene and show his dilemma when faced with a series of questions he must answer truthfully. I also thought that this could work well just set in the present where the character remains a child, perhaps being interviewed by the meadmaster/headmistress, or confronted by the school bully. Was this ever something you considered?

Best,
H


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harrietb
Posted: May 29th, 2009, 6:21am Report to Moderator
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um...my apologies to Tim?Trojan. I just took a quick glance at the side and saw Red (not literally, of course) oops. Newbie


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Andrew
Posted: May 29th, 2009, 8:42am Report to Moderator
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Javier,

This was a skit, but not a story. I see the idea had some soul in it, but the script appeared devoid of it. We essentially have a set of pivotal moments in Henry's life that are tagged together to create some form of moral questioning - the consequences of lying. While that is an interesting issue conceptually, the script doesn't do anything in terms of a story to resonate.

I feel this one was an attempt to comically elicit guilt through our own lies, but it wasn't for me.

Andrew



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Andrew  -  May 29th, 2009, 3:19pm
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Zack
Posted: May 29th, 2009, 3:13pm Report to Moderator
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Original? Ha... I'll settle for stylish.

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Hey Javier... Didn't like this one too much. The dialogue was a bit weak and on the nose. Not sure if the open casket scene was supposed to be funny. I didn't laugh. Also, the end line... is that why she's been gaining weight? If so, that's a pretty good way to end this. You just need a more clever way of revealing it. Stretch this out and beef up the characters and dialogue. Good luck.

2/5

~Zack~



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Zack  -  June 2nd, 2009, 4:38am
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jayrex
Posted: May 29th, 2009, 3:53pm Report to Moderator
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I can't see the positives through the negativity

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Wow, this one's not a winner.

It's been a while since I've submitted something so I decided to submit a skit.

I thought this idea up watching a 45min monologue held in a church.  I was so bored I wanted to stand up and shout my thoughts at the cr** that I had to sit through.

Anyway, I grabbed pieces from my life and stuck it in this script/skit.

Thanks for the reads.


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tonkatough
Posted: May 30th, 2009, 4:25pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
I thought this idea up watching a 45min monologue held in a church.  I was so bored I wanted to stand up and shout my thoughts at the cr** that I had to sit through.


Yeah they say there is a little Jim Carey in all of us trying to get out, I bet you did quite a few rubber face expressions while fighting the urge not to shout out.  

This script gave me a few smiles. some one incapble of lying is always a cute idea no matter how many times it beens done before.

The ending or rather how your script just stopped was jarring and made no sense.

but yeah the writing is fine, its the story that is letting you down- or lack of one.




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Toby_E
Posted: May 30th, 2009, 4:44pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Jay,

I'm sorry, but I've got to echo what everyone says here. For me, it didn't really work. I see what you're trying to do here, but it wasn't really a story. I would personally cut out the engagement scene and start it in the Bridal shop, as the engagement scene disn't ring true.

I also didn't really like the way this ended... I think the problem was that it's pretty hard to wrap this up as there wasn't much of a storyline. The ending just wasn't satisfying.

I would suggest expanding this, but the problem is that if you do expand it, it could become even more like "Liar, Liar". It's up to you though man.

Toby.


Here is some of my latest writing:

Dead Waters -- Thriller


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jayrex
Posted: June 1st, 2009, 3:24pm Report to Moderator
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I can't see the positives through the negativity

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Thanks for the read guys.

It's a skit so I won't be developing this into a story.  Looks like I won't be submitting a skit here ever again.  They just don't work for me here.

Cheers


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