Seven Deadly Sins: Envy - Invidia by P.C. (me) - Series - The most insidious of the seven deadly sins, envy is the sin no one wants to admit to.  Some are willing to do anything to get what others have while others are willing to do anything to not lose what they already have.  17 pages - pdf, format

These seem to go up rather mysteriously...

I realize the logline is baaaad. I'm really bad at those which is why I never really took part in the logline game.

Anyway, any comments will be much appreciated. Don't be afraid to be honest. I can take it. I've been trained by Phil.

Pia, right?

I'm still trying to learn everyones names. One of the reasons I visit this site is to learn from writers who have style and can make a page jump out at me. You have done both. you're wording is so clean and real. I have one questiion. What was the idea behind Lillith being told by Tara about the affair? Was it to gain trust? Great read, lots of fun.

Thanks
Shawn.....><

Your sin is indisputably the best of the series. And what a nice illustration  

Michel

Pia,

Congrat's on your Envy piece. I am not sure how you do girl but your wriitng is clear, crisp, very visual read. This one could be a Twilight Zone episode (no offense intended). Sorry, not a word of criticism.

Gary

Now I know where the NVidia company gets its name.

Howdy, Pia!  Just read your Envy script.  Will I finally post a positive review in the 7 deadly sins?  Well, we’ll see…let’s do a quick recap and see what we have here.

Todd and Lilith are a happily married, well to do couple that have been together for a long time and don’t seem to have any problems in life.  They don’t have any children and live alone in a nice place.  Lil decides she wants to spice things up a bit and have a little Ménage action.  Todd’s got just the candidate in mind…a hot nurse he works with.  Does Lil realize who’s coming to dinner?  Does she already know Kendra?    Yes she does, but for some reason doesn’t know what she looks like, even though she does frequent the office regularly and knows the other girls fairly well, as we find out later.

So then we meet Tara and Marina (my ex wife’s name), 2 hot mid twenties babes, working in Todd’s office.  Marina’s a “party girl” who has slept with over 100 men to get to where she is.  She has no qualms about this and readily admits that she’ll continue to do it, and even wouldn’t mind banging old Dr. Todd if it would help her financially.  Tara’s just the opposite…engaged to out of work Jimmy, but in love with him just the same.  Tara makes a point that she’d rather be in love than just go through the motions to get ahead.  These 2 come across as friends, so we’ve got to take what they say at face value.

So Kendra comes over and dinner gets prepared.  Lil’s a little miffed, cause she apparently forgot how hot Kendra is, and good old Todd played her looks down.  The 3 get it on anyway in bed, and Lil gets a little more pissed cause Todd seems to be focusing his attention more on the young babe, than his own wife.  (OK, speaking from experience here for a second,  anytime something new is introduced to the mix, like a hot young babe, this is totally normal and pretty much expected from the man.  Usually the girl in Lil’s position should also be pretty keen on the new blood, as this is a new experience, assuming this isn’t something they do all the time, and it doesn’t seem to be.)  So Lil gets up, and leaves the Ménage.  The next morning, Lil is so jealous, she implores Todd to fire Kendra, and emphasizes that if he doesn’t get rid of her, she will.  Foreshadowing, per chance?  We’ll see.

So the next day, Marina overhears Dr. Todd and Kendra talking dirty, and tells her pal Tara.  Tara tells Marina that she has to tell Lil, because she knows her better, and that she’s such a nice person, she needs to know.  Marina agrees and meets Lil in a coffee shop, and spills the beans.  Lil is shocked and pissed and confronts old Todd at home.  Of course, he denies it.  Lil starts drinking vodka straight form the bottle, while lying in her bath tub.  Things are getting ugly fast, as they usually do when Ménages rear their ugly head.

So, someone then attacks Kendra in the office parking lot with acid, disfigures and blinds her.  It seems like Lil has taken her revenge, but is that really the case?  We don’t know for sure because the attacker was never identified other than being a woman.  So Todd goes to visit Kendra in the hospital, but it seems like things are about over with them, as Kendra isn’t the looker she used to be.  So then Lil goes to see her hubby at his office and acts genuinely innocent.  Todd doesn’t buy it, and tells her that he’ll be staying with a friend until things clear up.

So then, out of the blue, Tara pays an unexpected visit to Lil at her place.  Lil’s s***face drunk and Tara joins her…but doesn’t really drink, and coaxes her out to the patio.  Then, all of a sudden, she grows “evil eyes” and throws her drunk A** over the railing, 12 stories down (which I had absolutely no clue they were in a high-rise, 12 stories up, BTW).

Back at the office, it looks like Lil committed suicide.  Tara goes into evil mode again and goes into talk with poor old, grieving Dr. Todd.  She lets him know that she is available for comforting purposes, gives him a coy smile, and as she walks away, that evil grin pops back onto her face.

OK, there we go.  What does it all mean?  Who attacked Kendra?  Seems like it probably was Tara…but why?  She was the one in love with her boyfriend…the one who didn’t play around.  Marina seemed to be that sort.  Kind of contradictory.  Where was the envy?  Was it with Lil, like it appeared?  Was envy the real theme here, or are we dealing with a psycho killer who flipped from a nice girl on a dime?

Pia, I liked your script.  It read well and was engaging.  You gave your characters great life very quickly and I liked them all very much.  I don’t buy it though, based on the above.  It doesn’t make sense to me and I don’t think it really fit the theme again.  It’s the kind of tale that works while it’s happening, but when you step back and ingest it, it kinda unravels.  Tara’s sudden turn just felt way too out of left field, and unless she was a completely different person than we were led to believe (and everyone else did believe), I have issues with it.

A couple things I wanted to address also.  I think it was a mistake to label Todd, “Dr. Moore”.  It came off as strange when he’s first intro’ed, because the scene is with his wife.  You called him various things in your prose as well.  I also didn’t like it that I had no clue they lived in a high-rise apartment…the 12 story fall came as a shock (not the good kind of shock).  Numerous commas omitted and the like, but I know no one likes to hear about these anymore, so no biggie there.

So, all in all, it is definitely a good read, well written and structured, but in the end, just didn’t hold up to a reality check.

Hope this makes sense and helps. Take care.

Hey Pia. I enjoyed this. I've developed a growing appreciation for unconventional storytelling, especially when it comes to characters and their roles. So naturally, I enjoyed the switcharoo you have here. It felt genuinely unexpected. Maybe I wasn't reading between the lines, haha. I'm not really sure what I can suggest in regards of improvement. The ending was kinda abrupt. I had my reservations at first as part of me would like to have seen more. Then again, I think venturing too much further could lead to overkill, as would developing Tara's character further. It would probably kill the twist.

I guess I'll just leave it at this. I enjoyed the script and feel it's complete as is. But there's still the potential for more, if you so desire to pursue it. Maybe even feature potential. I wouldn't let silly movies with Beyonce Knowles stop you from taking this a little further.

BTW, what's Invidia mean?

Quoted from Dreamscale   I don’t think it really fit the theme again.

Rewievers are hard on us.  

Michel

I'm sorry.  As I said, I defintely liked this script.  I just think there were a ferw issues, so I brought them up.  It's always tough when you have a set theme and a time constraint.

Kudos to all the Sinners, though...and I do mean that.

Dreamscale,
Are you a prefessional reviewer? The reason I ask, is you do have a knack for really taking something to the component level. I don't mean that in a bad way. You're reviews are very precise. IMO.

Shawn......><

I think the script fit the theme just fine. Tara's envious and her actions are deadly. Maybe not to her but deadly nevertheless. Just thought I'd put that out there. Dreamscale, I don't think you need to apologize. Your details are always detailed and usually on point. I can't imagine many writers asking for more.

LOL, no, but I am more than willing to accept money for my services.

Please send money in US dollars to my offshore Swiss bank account.

Account # is 888-666-4721

Thank you in advance!

Do you take OBAMA CASH...

better known as welfare checks? I'll indorse it?

Shawn.....><

I'll accept food stamps even, but I don't think I can buy alcohol with them, can I?

In America, heck yea....

Our stamps could get you an adopted kid from china...LOL.

Shawn.....><