Seven Deadly Sins: Pride - Downfall by Shawn Davis (ledbetter) - Series - Pride comes in many forms. But it can be the little things that are hard to get your hands around. Jamie finds out the hard way that ta-kill-ya and a flock of sea gulls can only add up to one thing. The fall. - pdf, format

Ready or not, The final of the deadly seven SINS has arrived. Everyone knows I'm new here, but this was a lot of fun to do as my first series. Thanks.

Shawn......><

Get prepared!

Michel

I'm holding on for dear life.

Shawn.....><

Shawn.

No, this one isn't the best of the Sin series. But it may have set a record for most jokes or play on words per page.

As a new guy you made many new guy mistakes. Formatting, grammar, dialogue blocks way too long. Words were spewing everywhere.

The story was one gay joke after another, (Freddy Mercury and Flock Of Seaguls in the same story? Interesting.) Then it was one pride joke after another. Then the story searched for a way to get Fall in by the end.

We all make these mistakes, Get a screenwriting handbook and read scripts which I know you've been doing. Get feedback on a rough draft. Heck I can help wiith that - just let me know. I'm going through these growing pains too. Been here since March.

Oh, Shawn, you got enthusiasm and a heck of an imaginatiion. I am glad you had fun doing this in about a week's time.

I wish you well on your next script.

Gary

Hey Gary,
Thanks for the read. A week goes by quick. I really enjoyed the challange of comming up with such a strange angle on sin. I know I had plenty of mistakes. I'm sure there will be plenty more to come as I learn and hopefully they will become fewer and fewer as time passes.I have been doing a lot more reading on formating. As to the end of your comments regarding my enthusiasm and imagination...Thanks.

That was a kind thing to say. Good luck on your next script as well.

Shawn......><

Hey Shawn. Mate, this was F**king brilliant! I really got into it. I didn't see any prob with your formatting or anything. It had a real flow to it and was easy to read.
The gay stuff was full on but very funny! And Karen's cock talk was laugh out loud!
You covered the theme well and some of your descriptions were so visual - the grand canyon bit of the montage was 'huh?' but somehow fit in.
Only thing I point out from a tech view is I would've named the mom. Good job!

Thanks Stevie,
Glad you liked it. Had a good time writing it. Your right I did forget to name mom, didnt I? Thanks man.

Shawn......><

Which one or your's would you like me to read?

Hey Shawn,

Can't really say I was a fan of this one. Formatting was pretty off IMO (no scene change when characters walk into the bathroom, missing punctuation, over-use of wrylies, passive verbage etc.) and it took way too long for the actual story to start... You don't actually start the story until the halfway mark. Until that point, it's just a load of familiar drinking scenes. And still, even after you introduce the whole tatoo thing, not much comes of it. I don't think you've got a story here... Just a few scenes connected together.

The dialogue was also pretty on-the-nose. Look when Karen calls Jamie... His response to her is very on-the-nose, as is the Bartender's dialogue when he talks to Jamie. I also really disliked Jamie and Robert's gay/ straight insults. They felt pretty dated, and cliched man.

I did chuckle at the middle-Eastern beuty pagent, that was pretty amusing, and unexpected. So congrats there.

But yeah, not trying to knock your script or anything man, I know you're pretty new here. We were all new once. Hell, I still am pretty new. Just keep on writing, reading scripts, and reviewing them. Also, read what people review other's scripts. You can learn a lot from feedback.

Toby.

Toby,

Thanks for the input. I apperciate you taking time to read it.
I do have a question from you. What is a wrylies? I have no idea what that word means.

When you say the dialog was pretty on the nose, is that a concern or compliment? I honestly am not sure by the way you said it.

The gay / straight stuff, I had a blast writing. Always wanted to do something like that, even if it is dated. Hell the whole thing is when you think about it....

Flock of seagulls, Freddy Mercury etc....

I am glad you liked the beauty contest part.  Not really sure where that came from inside me, but it made me chuckle as well.

Thanks for the feedback and take care.

Shawn......><

Okay man, wrylies (also known as parentheticals or however you spell it) are the brackets under the character's name, before dialogue. Use them sparingly... Most of the time you used them, you could have written what you write in an action scene.

And dialogue which is on the nose is stuff like; "Hey man, I haven't seen you in 10 years since you ran away and left your wife pregnant, broke because you were a wimp." Basically on-the-nose dialogue sounds un-natural, and is a trademark of new writers... The more you write, the better you get at expressing information from on-the-nose dialogue in different ways.

Toby.

Thank you,

That was very informative.

Shawn......><

Shaun, Shaun, Shaun…I’m almost speechless for the first time in my frickin’ life.  Almost, but not quite.  Not really sure where to start or how to go about this.

OK…wow…ummm…OK…uh…hmmm…

Well, I just deleted about a page of stuff, cause I was rambling all over the place.  I really don’t know what to say here.

Let’s try again.  Numerous writing issues, as a few others have pointed out.  I’m not going to take the time to try and point everything out, as it would be quite a few pages of stuff.

Damn, I just deleted another page of stuff.  This isn’t working very well.

OK, how about this.  I’m not much for comedy.  I also despise crude, gross gay stuff.  This is all basically a skit, involving sick, gay humor.  So, it’s definitely not for me.  I can see where some may find some of this funny, but I didn’t like any of it.  I really didn’t.  I found myself cringing, shaking my head, and at times, staring in disbelief at my screen.

Back to the writing issues.  A lot of things that are wrong in here are small little omissions that others apparently aren’t seeing.  Passing of time requires a new slug.  A different setting requires a new slug.  The V.O.’s are puzzling to me.  The movement of the script is also puzzling. I don’t get the montage at all.  The bar scene is strange.  Too many wrylies and many are incorrectly used.  Don’t go over 4 lines of prose in a paragraph.  Way too many long speeches.

I don’t know what to say here, bud…I really don’t.  I’ve literally deleted 3 pages of feedback cause I didn’t like the way I was sounding, and I don’t want to be a prick here.

This whole thing comes off as a skit that you put together based on the word “pride”.  I don’t see any actual examples of pride.  Then, it seems like you wanted to tie in the word “fall”.  The dialogue is all quite witty for sure…lots of double entendres, plays on words and phrases, etc.  They didn’t work for me, probably because of the subject matter. I just felt like I was being bludgeoned over the head repeatedly.

I’m sorry, but I just can’t say much more.  I will say this though…it is very apparent that first of all, you have quite the imagination, and secondly, you obviously had some fun with this.  Those are both great things.

Wish I could organize my thoughts better for you here, but I’m obviously flustered.

Keep at it!

You didn't beat round the bush. Ahem.
I wasn't sure what the title image was before I started. Unfortunately I do now.
I realise this was a quickly written thing for the series so I'll treat it as such.
A lot of it was funny, and a lot did fall flat. That said, some of it was very funny.
I've an idea why you put The Canyon bit in there but it took me out of the story. I was expecting another similar scene somewhere, it didn't happen.
I won't repeat the format bits. The plot did feel fairly tacked on to the jokes, rather than the other way round. I do this myself with comedy. And the dialogue does need working some more.
Anyways, I did enjoy it. It needs work but all considered, there's some great things going on in there.

Dreanscape,
Your dumbfoundness speaks volumes for me. Thank you. Sure you can come back with another take on this but for now....I'M BLUSHING WITH PRIDE.

You sir are NEVER and I mean NEVER  short on words. There I go again, BLUSHING.

Struggling through page after page and then deleating it, crowns my work. I am in awe at the effect of my work has on your writing ability.

Comming from you my friend, no words - spoke volumes.

Thanks man.

I think I will have a drink now.

Shawn......><