Seven Deadly Sins: Greed - Reciprocation by Andrew Allen - Series - Gordon is about to learn a lesson… 15 pages  - pdf, format

Thanks for getting this up, Don - much appreciated.

As always, any comments/opinions/criticisms are sought.

Andrew

Andrew, good job with this one. I think you did a great job creating Gordon's character...I pictured Gordon Gecko which I think may have been your intent.

The set-up and the story was good, I think the climax in terms of Gordon and Cheryl was okay but I didn't like the ending with Sasha. I felt like if Cheryl's reason for being with Gordon was for his money, then what is her motivation to get revenge on Sasha? If she really loved Gordon then perhaps, but it just seems a bit strange to confront her like that for no apparent reason. Also since the topic is greed, it is veering away towards revenge and moving off course a little with this ending IMO.

Overall though I thought it was a really great short, with Gordon's actions and dialogue being the standout.

Cheers,
Tim.

Hi Andrew.  I hope I’m not pissing you 7 deadly sinners off too much with my less than stellar reviews, but I’m afraid this one isn’t going to be any different.

Couple things jumped out at me here.  This is really slow.  I mean, really slow.  Very, very little happens here, and with 19 pages of prose, I don’t quite understand what the idea was at all.  This is mostly all dialogue and description, and none of it was engaging or interesting to me.  I also didn’t find anything about this “story” to be realistic.  I kept waiting for something to happen, but nothing did until the very end, and I wasn’t too keen on either twist.

Gordon and Cheryl are not very exciting characters.  Assuming Gordon is this incredibly rich guy, he sure doesn’t lead a very exciting life.  Again, I just don’t understand why you chose to show these scenes, as there has to be thousands of more interesting things going on in their lives.  Sasha is pretty much a throwaway character, cause we know literally nothing about her, and Franco is…well, he’s Franco, and he’s nothing more than a caricature of a character.

Story-wise, I don’t really see the theme playing out here.  We’re talking about greed and although there is some greed involved, it mostly comes from Cheryl, and her greed for Gordon’s wealth.  But Gordon is the main character, and he seems to portray more lust than greed, but basically, he’s just a big A-Hole, cheapskate, who only cares about himself, and that’s not greed, IMO.  And finally, Cheryl then turns to revenge.

So, Andrew, I know this all seems very negative, but I just didn’t find anything in here that I can throw out praise on.  I didn’t like the story, didn’t like the characters, didn’t think it met the theme you were after, and found it to be incredibly boring and slow.  I don’t understand the flashback on page 15 at all.

I know you’re a good writer, Andrew, and I don’t mean to put you or your script down.  Maybe it was the deadline you were up against, the subject matter, or maybe it’s just me…can’t be sure.  Your writing is fine here, as usual.

Quoted from Dreamscale Maybe it was the deadline you were up against.

The deadline was a bit more than a week.

Michel

Hi Andrew,

I see you added some stuff to this one.

I think there are some things that don't work to its fullest here. Although the story idea is fine, for me the biggest problem is that I didn't like either of the characters. There was no one for me to care about.

The greed part could have been just a tad more important to the story as well. Maybe show a little more how both Gordon and Cheryl are greedy. Right now, it comes across more as a revenge story. As mentioned before, Gordon seems more of a tightwad than a greedy bastard, I was surprised when Cheryl wanted a million pounds. I honestly never got the impression he was loaded at all. He had a nice apartment, but that was about it. None of his actions suggested he had money.

Anyway, easy read and not bad, but needs to be tweaked so we care about someone in a good or bad way, but something and then to fit into greed a little more.  

Hey Andrew, are you from England? This had a very English feel to it. But anyway...

Your descriptions are good in this and I think it flows very nicely. One problem I had early on was that you hardly described Gordon and Cheryl at all when you first introduce them. By later descriptions of Gordon I'm taking it he is a bit of a tart - mascara etc - I think you should have been making that clear from the first time he's introduced. Also, the whole metrosexual thing doesn't seem to match his personality. He acts like a middle aged, sexist, old-fashioned guy but other aspects of him are pretty modern. Maybe this was influenced a little by American Psycho? I dunno, his character was just a bit mixed up for me.

The story as a whole was well paced but just certain aspects were a little weird. I couldn't really see Cheryl putting up with Gordon's behaviour and some things that Gordon says I just can't see someone saying, stuff like replacing her and swapping her. I know there's people out there like Gordon but I just didn't buy the way he spoke to her.

Same thing really with the ending. I can't really see Gordon agreeing to the lights off and such. The way you portray him he can have any woman he wants. He's gotta be a bit crazy to trust a woman he's just dumped and insulted visciously.

I think working on the characters and more importantly the relationships between your characters would improve the script as a whole.

Good stuff.

Andrew,
A week went by pretty quick HUH? From what you emailed regarding the first half of the script was changed a bit. I think you added it to establish you're conflict and I believe it worked great. I don't know all of the tecnical jargen yet but it flowed really well. I think if you were to have just a little more time to chew on the main people, fleshing them out would prove to polish this into a great script. All in all, you did a really good job.

Shawn......><

Thanks for the read, gents and lady

It's always such a benefit to read others' scripts and to receive feedback - as we all know, it's the best way to learn.

Quoted from Trojan The set-up and the story was good, I think the climax in terms of Gordon and Cheryl was okay but I didn't like the ending with Sasha.

Tim, I think that's a very appropriate comment re: the end - it does feel a little tagged on, and having read this back, I completely agree. At the time, it was me getting carried away, as opposed to me completing the story! Glad you liked what I was doing with it, but it's definitely a draft or 3 away at the minute, I think.

Quoted from Dreamscale So, Andrew, I know this all seems very negative, but I just didn’t find anything in here that I can throw out praise on.  I didn’t like the story, didn’t like the characters, didn’t think it met the theme you were after, and found it to be incredibly boring and slow.  I don’t understand the flashback on page 15 at all.

Jeff, that's fair enough that it didn't do it for you. At the end of the day, if I am not able to take criticism at this point, then I may as well pack my bags up and go home! I think you are great for wading through all the scripts like you do, so I can have no complaints, 'cos you gave it a go and let me know what you thought, which is invaluable either way.

Quoted from me The greed part could have been just a tad more important to the story as well. Maybe show a little more how both Gordon and Cheryl are greedy. Right now, it comes across more as a revenge story. As mentioned before, Gordon seems more of a tightwad than a greedy bastard, I was surprised when Cheryl wanted a million pounds. I honestly never got the impression he was loaded at all. He had a nice apartment, but that was about it. None of his actions suggested he had money.

Pia, yeah, I totally agree that the 'greed' is almost in camouflage for large parts here, and I need to take a look at myself. The main issue here wasn't that I didn't have time, it's that I didn't spend enough time on it, so these glaring holes are a product of that, I think.

Quoted from stebrown Same thing really with the ending. I can't really see Gordon agreeing to the lights off and such. The way you portray him he can have any woman he wants. He's gotta be a bit crazy to trust a woman he's just dumped and insulted visciously.

Ste, yeah, I am indeed English! From Bristol - yourself? I did worry that his decision to go along wasn't sufficiently highlighted by myself. The reason I intended to show was that she massaged his ego with comments about their sex life, and his utter shallowness allowed him to believe her, which was to his cost.

Quoted from Ledbetter A week went by pretty quick HUH? From what you emailed regarding the first half of the script was changed a bit. I think you added it to establish you're conflict and I believe it worked great. I don't know all of the tecnical jargen yet but it flowed really well. I think if you were to have just a little more time to chew on the main people, fleshing them out would prove to polish this into a great script. All in all, you did a really good job.

Shawn, yeah, I changed this one a little. It became a bit of mess, however! I wish I had either used the time more productively, or had more time 'cos like you say, this one definitely needs a polish!

I'll just give a brief rundown on my intentions with this one:

Gordon is ultimately the victim and slight perpetrator of greed - he is selfish, and he is in it for himself. He is ego-driven, and believes that money vindicates his existence, and his worthiness as a person. His utter contempt for Cheryl is a by-product of the fact he thinks of no-one but himself. Cheryl is, of course, the greedy one. She is attempting to extort money from Gordon, while putting up with this miserly ways - 'cos she thinks the effort will be rewarded. Unfortunately for her, Gordon is not what she thinks - a lame duck. Ultimately her greed has blinded her to the fact that the prize on offer was never on offer at all.

Anyone who gives this a read - I would love your comments, good or bad, and will happily read any scripts in exchange.

Thanks to everyone.

Andrew

Hi Andrew. This was an interesting read. As usual, your writing style is fine. The story seemed, however, to be a little rushed. I know you guys didn't have much time to do these, but it's like you sort of wrapped things up quickly.
The characters were set up nicely and were believable, although Cheryl's swearing was a bit of the blue - at times I felt she might've been a hooker even. Again, this can stand alone on its own merits, outside the series theme.

One thing I want to say about the series: I don't like the added title of the scripts. I would just have 'Seven Deadly Sins - Lust', or gluttony,etc and that's it. A title hurriedly made up is distractiing. Also don't like the little pictures, but that's my opinion. Cheers.

Hey Andrewr,

Several comments.

The star of this gteedy tale was Cheryl not Gordon. I did like the idea of reciprocity. I just didn't see Gordon equal to Cheryl.

Gordon was confusing to me. He had so much going on: sex self-obsessed, vindictive, calculaitng...

Is penny pinching really an aspect of greediness?  If so, why would Gordon be so ostentatious?

I did like your clean style: Mosty one line dialogues and descriptions. I could use use some of that mojo.

Gary

Hi Andrew, your script brings up the topic of writing numbers/numerals in grammar. No-one touched on it, so here goes.

There are varying “guidelines” and these also vary from country to country, but the first two golden rules are clear:

Never use a numeral to begin a sentence, i.e.        
“2 years service, and I am out of here with 50%.”
“Two years of service and I am out of here with only fifty-percent of …

The second guideline is, when writing from 0-99 or 1-100 type the numbers as spelled-out words i.e. one to one-hundred.

Example in your script:
“Your place is just 5 minutes down the road”. So, use “five”.

Likewise, in this para of dialogue you use the word “thousand” the number “£25” and the abbreviation “1st” all in the same sentence.
“You spend thousands on doing this apartment up, and you moan about spending £25 on our 1st anniversary
dinner.”

As to larger numbers, opinion is divided. Advice is to use consistency – spell them out, or use a figure, but don’t combine both.

In a work of fiction I think it reads much more smoothly if you spell it out – but this line may read more effectively with the “figure” in there???

“I want £1,000,000 or little Gordon
in a jar.”

“I want one-million pounds – or, “little Gordon” in a jar.”

Ok, so on to the story. I get the feeling that you may have had different drafts/ideas with this – example of this the character “Tim” – did he have a scene prev. that you deleted?

Like Jeff said, I didn’t get the “flashback sequence”.

Your dialogue is not bad, but does need work in places. There also seems to be a trend with your characters asking questions a lot when they should just be making statements.

“Should I be doing this for a woman scorned?” This line didn’t read quite right to me.

Sasha’s line: “Do I recognise you? You look familiar.”  I’d just go for - “you look familiar … “

Ditto with “Did we meet before?” -- “Have we met before?”
Did you just hear me? – better if, “did you hear what I said?” or “did you hear me?” – maybe that one’s a typo??

Cheryl’s line:

“And I saw you making eyes with that sexy little number in there.”

This line would only ring true to me if another man were saying it – I think Cheryl’s character would use a more unsavoury adjective like “slu..y” - if you get my drift.

“Gordon lays … “  This is present tense. Should be “lies”.

Having nitpicked, (it is the easiest thing in the world to critique someone else’s work) I really loved this series of action and dialogue:

CHERYL
She stares in disbelief.
GORDON
He uses the bottom of the bed to position himself for the
requisite 10 push-ups before bed.
A loud GROAN accompanies the final push-up.
GORDON
(off her look)
I need the elevation to optimise.

As you have said this one reads as if it needed a bit more time to develop. Anyway, hope I’ve helped a bit.  

Libby

Thanks for the reads

Quoted from stevie The story seemed, however, to be a little rushed. I

Yeah, I totally agree with that - ultimately it was, and I can blame no-one but my own lazy self. I also got a bit caught between what to do with the story, so instead of getting stuck in, I ended up procrastinating!

Quoted from grademan The star of this gteedy tale was Cheryl not Gordon. I did like the idea of reciprocity. I just didn't see Gordon equal to Cheryl. Gordon was confusing to me. He had so much going on: sex self-obsessed, vindictive, calculaitng... Is penny pinching really an aspect of greediness?  If so, why would Gordon be so ostentatious?

Cheryl is definitely intended to be the vehicle for this one. Gordon is - inside my head at least - a dichotomy of innocence and utter manipulation. He's the child who never grew up. He's the guy who prepares himself in the mirror, yet indulges in excess, which runs contrary to the management of his appearance. His attempts at exercise are nothing more than a passing phase - I tried to show this with the fact he couldn't even manage 10 push-ups!

Quoted from LC Your dialogue is not bad, but does need work in places. There also seems to be a trend with your characters asking questions a lot when they should just be making statements.

Definitely agree. The dialogue - largely - fails to move us towards our conclusion for Gordon. It just kind of happens, I think, which needs - I agree - addressing.

Good point re: the numbers, I just waded through that without a thought - bad form!

Really appreciate your input there Stevie, Gary and Libby - let me know if there's anything you'd like me to read.

Andrew

We know, based on House of Usher, that you're a good writer so this by no means would define your skills. With a line like that I'm sure you can guess what my next statements will be...
The story needs to be sorted out a bit more. I'm not sure Cheryl would've stayed with a guy so overtly rude to her. Gordon could've used decietful methods to get his way instead of blatant rudeness. That way, his last brushoff could've come as a complete surprise leaving her feeling betrayed and used.
I can't say I'm a fan of Cheryl after seeing the vengeance she's capable of(against Sasha). A good choice would've been [the million pounds demand and severed shaft in hand] or [the severed shaft and Sasha], but not both. Here's why, the money makes it look like that's all she wanted Gordon for, but the knifing Sasha makes her look jealous. But then again, maybe both could work if you had another scene where she agonized over the choices(without giving anything away) before making a descision.
Anyways, I've rambled on long enough.
Keep writing

barely accomodate the two hard as nails chairs they house...

you had me at cheap italian restaurant and could have jumped right into "that is the pride and joy of its owner, FRANCO."

the O.S.? Is Franco now out of the room? Why do that? Shot purposes? It's distracting.

*spoiler*

The story is good, but predictable. The ending was a bit cliche and if i was Gordon, Cheryl would have been paid before my dick got cut off, so that came off as a bit unbelievable. Gordon was too gulllible and even gave it away when he mentioned being with a woman scorned. Gordon was so matter of fact about ditching Cheryl that he seemed like the kind of guy who would have never seen her again since he has other women on the hook already. So in a sense, it came off as out of character when he changed his mind in order to satisfy the ending. In that the story became predictable that something bad was going to happen to Gordon. In order to satisfy Cheryl's greed, that of money, maybe the next scene would have been Cheryl pulling up to Franco's in a limousine as Sasha stepped out. Then Cheryl could have extorted Sasha (some how) for more money...since this is about greed.