Judas Kiss by Silva Mungai - Short, Drama - "Judas Kiss" is a short dramatic piece about Maggie (29), a young married woman who is fights her fears of what lies beneath the murky depths of her sordid relationship with her adulterous husband.. 6 pages - pdf, format

***SPOILER ALERT***









I was thrown by the title and logline. Neither seemed to fit what you wrote. It's simply a woman confronting her cheating husband with the twist that the other woman is a man. It's not particularly dramatic here, maybe in the context of a larger piece it would be. Seems that everyone writes this type of scene at some point.

I agree that the piece should be longer, this seem to have been taken from somewhere within a longer script. Nevertheless, it was a decent read.

A point of note, though: Why do you include the synopsis within the script itself?

The script flowed quite nicely and was easily visualised, with all the cues in place, like the photos, etc. The action is overwritten, and feels a little slow moving and  I'm told  the use  of directions, like we pan, or cut to, are best avoided unless it is a shooting script.  The conversation with the husband didn't feel right, maybe because he was so upbeat, and unaware of any problem, which was at odds with her state of mind. The twist at the end also felt a little rushed. A good read nonetheless.

You seem to take a long time to describe very little. That was one of the longest first pages I've read but nothing really happened to justify that length. You could leave out a lot of the descriptions eg. you don't need to tell us she has been crying when you have already described her as teary eyed, we can see she has been crying. Too much detail, too many camera directions and it all just slows down the pace of the story.

I didn't feel there was anything new or unique here. Also you have her confronting her husband over the phone, yet it would be more dramatic if it were face-to-face. Don't have your climax scene done with voice overs, put the two characters in the scene together. Oh and just on that, you use O.C. to indicate people on the phone but you should be using V.O.

Cheers,
Tim.

Hello All

I forgot to mention this is my first attempt at script writing, as I am trying to see whether I can hone my skills in the writing department. I am really more suited to produce, rather than to write, but it doesn't hurt to try.

"Judas Kiss" was a way for me to try and see how well a single character could have a heated argument without another character in the room. I was basing this script just on the performance of a single character...how well this individual could hold their own on the screen...sort of like a one act play. I completely agree with all of you that the story definitely needs work...tons and tons of work, haha. And yes, it would work better if she was confronting her husband face to face for more dramatic tension, but again, this was a meek attempt at trusting one character to hold her own for the duration of the film.

Jammin Girl -- the film school I go to requires us to write the synopsis underneath the title. Won't always be the case after I graduate.

I thank you all for your kind advice...and I will try my best to improve on my future scripts. Please be on the lookout for my next script "The Package". Take Care and God Bless.

-Silva-

Silva

First of, theer is waaaay too much prose in the opening pages, thankfully you tightened it up from there on.

You have a story but it doesn't feel appreciated or developed enough to it full potential. They piece just plays out, the twist of the other lover being a man doesn't have the punch you intended I reckon. The whole thing just sorta' goes through the motions and then it ends...

You need more drama, maybe a flashback or just add to the existing story, more characters, locations, conflicts diferent factors that'll give the story the kick it needs to make it more intiguing. As it stands its underdeveloped.

Also someone made the valid point above -- Shouldn't she be confronting her adulterous husband face to face. It isn't really something you would do over the phone.

Best of luck.

Col.

Hello Silva,

I was drawn into reading this because of the title; so you did well there. When I read your logline, well... lets just say I kind of cringed a bit. It's very clunky. Don't give anyone a reason "not" to read your script. Practice writing loglines.

I had this feeling when I was reading the work that the person writing it was a director. Every little detail was being described and I'm thinking: This person is extremely visual; so I think you can definitely use that to your advantage. The trouble is, "writing wise", it's too much. You've overwritten every single little thing. Try and tame down that aspect.

But it WAS EXCELLENT VISUALLY. The tissue strewn about. I really could see it.

At the end, I was confused with this:

We see photographs of a man waiting in the alley. Nervous. Jittery.

How could we tell that he's nervous and jittery by a photograph?

There should have been an intercut used. At the end, it seems we've switched to Paul's location, but there isn't a slugline for that. Don't feel bad, I keep losing those myself.  

"Where's the slugline Lady?!!!"

"Er, it was here just a minute ago. Swear ta God. Really!"

Good effort.

Sandra

Silva,

Interesting read. I appreciate your experiment - I did a similar thing in one of my shorts. Visually, the script was really great, and I could imagine it all taking place. The dialogue was sound - I could imagine it being acted, believably. Obviously, cut down on the descriptions to just what is essential. Adding a little more immediate drama may help the story too. There may just need to be a bit more drama, a little more to the story. It's your story so I won't try to suggest any specific things. Good job, though.