You'll Be in My Heart by Diogo dos Santos Figueira - Short - Vincent and Daniel London, brothers, were best friends once, until the day they were cheated by destiny. Twenty nine years later, they meet again, under the worse circumstances. A story of a fatal destiny, of love, regret and forgiveness. 9 pages - pdf, format

It was very talky, with a lot of specific setting description and not much in the way of action. I couldn't get into the story even though it was only nine pages. After four pages I ended up skimming.
That's deadly for a writer. Never overload us with exposition instead of action(with conflict). Create some intrigue.
Hide the exposition within action.
Keep writing.

Quoted from JamminGirl It was very talky, with a lot of specific setting description and not much in the way of action. I couldn't get into the story even though it was only nine pages. After four pages I ended up skimming. That's deadly for a writer. Never overload us with exposition instead of action(with conflict). Create some intrigue. Hide the exposition within action. Keep writing.

Thank you Okok, I understand your advice.

I noticed some more grammar mistakes and so I would ask you to follow this link instead: http://lydart2.com.sapo.pt/YBiMH.pdf

This is my first script