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Soulshadows II: Davinci's Doll by Steven Cameron - Series, Supernatural - After meeting his hero, Amateur ventriloquist Dale Oliver receives a mysterious gift. - pdf, format
Not bad. You nailed the tone, I think. There's a steady build and while the climax is somewhat predictable, I think it's the way the script was meant to end. I do however think your script is somewhat lacking in action. That's not to say you need to gore it up, I don't think that would be appropriate. I just don't think there's enough moments in which suspense is really in high gear. My favorite scene was the one in which Dale is "fighting" with Kenny. You could really go a lot further with Dale's obsession with the dummy. As of now, I think you've only scratched the surface but the moments you do have are really the meat of the story as far as I'm concerned. The moment when Dale's mother misplaces the dummy and Dale angrily insists upon returning him to the place he likes best. It's simple but weird and really sets up that something is wrong here, if only that the dummy is driving Dale and his family/friends apart. I think too much of this kinda stuff could spoil the broth, so to speak, but you could definitely make things a little more intense.
I like these types of tales that deal with dummies. Those are the ones that I'm afraid of and remember most. This is can be shot very low budget and has sequel potential. lol. My only problem is at the interrogation room where Dale talks about UFOS. Where did that come up? I expected him to talk about the dummy which will make him look more insane.
Also, I really dug how you played with the idea of if Kenny's alive, but it didn't come through right or maybe that was my own interpretation. For example, when Erin sees it sitting at the bench, how about not revealing Kenny sitting but see her looking at something. So, when Dale turns to investigate nothings there. You get me?
All in all, I really liked it.
Oh, and great Tanis, Bert. Very funny. lol.
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Hey Steven, just read your Soul Shadows entry. I’ve got to tell you that I’ve always enjoyed things involving puppets, for some odd reason. My friends and I have had running jokes about them sine we were kids, so I went into this with high hopes.
Listen, man, you know I think you’re a good guy, and love your enthusiasm for writing. But that doesn’t mean that I won’t tell you exactly what I think, and won’t pull any punches. I took notes as I read, so they’ll be at the bottom. With that being said, here we go…
I think you’ve come up with a good premise here, and even your setup is intriguing, early on. The main problem with evil puppet scenarios is that they all seem to play out the same way, and there’s very little room for anything new or surprising. This proves to be the case here, as well, and I’ve got to tell you that things did play out in a by the numbers fashion, and no new ground was covered, IMO.
But the big problems here, for me, involved believability (both in actual things taking place, character’s actions and reactions, and dialogue), logistics, and the fact that the vast majority of your script involved very mundane, dull things that didn’t do anything for the story or characters. OK, let’s look at them.
Lots of things jumped out at me in terms of me not buying what I was reading. Since you didn’t set the stage with where this all went down, I’ve got to assume it’s Anywhere, USA. This is an issue, for me. Davinci is a world famous magician/ventriloquist, yet he lives in the same city/area as Dale. I don’t buy it, cause if that’s the case, Dale would have most likely had more contact with him earlier. He meets him at a book signing gig, yet it comes off as Dale being so impressed to see him, etc., as if it’s a once in a lifetime deal. This is further shown in the flashback when Dale kills Davinci in a Hotel room. If Davinci lives there, why is he in a hotel room?
The Funeral scene is another example. Again, a world famous dude has just died, yet the Funeral takes place immediately, in the same area, and comes off as a small affair where Dale just saunters up to someone there, and ends up going back to Davinci’s house with her…in a cab! How’d he get to the funeral? I assume he drove, how’d he get back to his car from Davinci’s house? Another cab ride? Why? Doesn’t make sense, and I don’t think it comes off as at all real. Why would she invite him over like that? Why give him the tapes? This whole interaction just doesn’t work as it is, and the dialogue between them isn’t too good..
The police station scene also doesn’t ring true at all. It comes off kinda…blah…Erin walks in, hands off a tape, and…blah…nothing. Doesn’t come off as well thought out or put together.
The dialogue for the most part didn’t come off as real either. The interactions with Dale and his parents didn’t work, and for the most part involved a lot of time that didn’t go anywhere, nor needed to be included. There’s a rather long section involving Dale and his Dad talking about what to do about the box he received. Then a phone call to the Post Office, which goes nowhere at all. The girl he meets at the contest doesn’t ring true at all with the kiss, and those 2 characters inclusion just doesn’t make sense. I also didn’t buy Erin and Dale’s interaction. Who is Erin? We know nothing about her at all, and the scene just comes off as rather odd. And to think that Erin just walked into their house and took the tape while Dale slept is also odd and unrealistic.
As James said, things are too slow and there’s too little action going on. I know it’s tough trying to write a full story in 25-30 pages. That’s why you have to make sure everything you include is necessary, important, interesting, etc. Way too much dialogue between Dale and his parents. The Post Office scene isn’t necessary at all. I don’t think the contest scene is even a good idea…just have him come home with a trophy, since we didn’t get to see any of the act anyways.
OK, the ending also doesn’t work for me. I mean, it’s 10 years later, and Erin’s still around? Huh? No life for her, huh? Why would he be able to keep the doll, after he was saying it was the doll that did everything anyway? Why wait 10 years to kill himself, and how in the world could he hang himself from a bedpost in a mental ward? Just doesn’t make any sense to me.
So, listen, I know this all comes off as very negative, and I apologize about that, but I want to be as honest as I can and point things out that hopefully you’ll think about next time.
Dale is the only character here that has any life to him, and that life is quickly sucked away with the mundane actions taking place. I think you should have focused more on Dale and Kenny, as there were a few good exchanges and interesting possibilities. I also think this needed some more action early on, as well as throughout. I’m not saying you have to show gore or the like, but something. Maybe you should have intro’d Erin earlier and had some sort of relationship going on, so that we could fear for her, or at least know her.
Lots of possibilities. I just think you need to explore them and give us more in terms of meat, and far less in terms of bland, 3 day old vegetables, which nobody likes anyway.
Good effort though here, Steven. Take what you can from this and know that it’s meant to help. You have a great premise here and a lot of room to move it around. Take care, bud.
Page 1 – last line shouldn’t be dialogue.
Page 2 – No age given for Davinci, so we can’t get a mental image of him at all.
Page 4 – “He smiles proud of himself and pats the doll on the back.” – comma after “smiles” and “himself”. Also, I’d lose the “and”.
Page 5 – either ebay, or eBay, not E Bay.
Page 6 – “While driving with the parcel…” – need a comma after “backseat”. Why wouldn’t the box be quiet? Most boxes I pick up at the Post Office are literally silent.
General comment – I’m seeing a bunch of action prose that is detailing very mundane things that I don’t think you need. The Post Office scene is a good example. Get him in and out of there, without any dialogue or the like.
General comment – Dialogue does not seem real at all. It also isn’t going anywhere. Lots of examples of scenes (involving a lot of dialogue) that should be cut much earlier than they are.
Page 12 – “Dale’s mother is cleaning up the floor and moving boxes around.” - How about, “Dale’s mother cleans the floor and moves boxes around.” No reason for the double passive verb here.
“renters” ??? enters?
Page 13 – another double passive verb sentence that doesn’t read well at all.
Page 16 – I don’t buy the kiss on the cheek thing at all. Seems totally out of place.
Page 17 – So, Davinci lived in the same city as Dale? Need a comma after “shoulder”. You used “House” as a slug here again, and I know it’s not the same house as before, which makes it confusing. This is a perfect example of way I always stress to use detailed slugs…”Dale’s House”, Davinci’s House”, etc.
General comment – I don’t buy any of the dialogue or goings on with Dale and this Ms. Carlson. Who is she? Why would she invite dale over? How did he get back? Why would she talk with him like this. None of it makes any sense, IMO.
Page 19 – Slug reads “INT. Kitchen” – first line is Dale enters the house…so he enters the house through the kitchen? Why is Dale telling Erin to look up Ms. Carlson? He’s got a laptop, as we know. Seems odd. Who is Erin, anyway? We have absolutely not clue.
Page 20 – So Dale hits play, and immediately this line pops up? Again, I don’t buy this at all.
Page 21 – The Police Station scene doesn’t seem real either…at all.
Page 24 – Need a comma after “head” at the bottom of the page.
Page 26 – How could Dale hang himself from a bedpost in a mental ward? What kind of bedpost are we talking about? I cannot see this in any way.
Hey Steven, just read your Soul Shadows entry. I’ve got to tell you that I’ve always enjoyed things involving puppets, for some odd reason. My friends and I have had running jokes about them sine we were kids, so I went into this with high hopes.
I love puppets myself. The puppet from the picture is the one I own and it wears the "Ladies Man" t-shirt. In the past I wrote a documentary as if the puppet was real.
Listen, man, you know I think you’re a good guy, and love your enthusiasm for writing. But that doesn’t mean that I won’t tell you exactly what I think, and won’t pull any punches. I took notes as I read, so they’ll be at the bottom. With that being said, here we go…
At least someone thinks I'm a good guy, yes! The only thing we have in common is we both know what it's like to be the bad guy except yours was over reviewing and mine for following the rules and making everyone else do the same. I'm always watching.
I think you give good reviews but on occasion can be a little hard on people. This was my first script in a year. Usually I only write my series and features.
Lots of things jumped out at me in terms of me not buying what I was reading. Since you didn’t set the stage with where this all went down, I’ve got to assume it’s Anywhere, USA. This is an issue, for me. Davinci is a world famous magician/ventriloquist, yet he lives in the same city/area as Dale. I don’t buy it, cause if that’s the case, Dale would have most likely had more contact with him earlier. He meets him at a book signing gig, yet it comes off as Dale being so impressed to see him, etc., as if it’s a once in a lifetime deal. This is further shown in the flashback when Dale kills Davinci in a Hotel room. If Davinci lives there, why is he in a hotel room?
It was meant to be an appearance which is why he had a hotel room. It was also meant to be his hometown. Sometimes when I treatment or outline something lines get skipped over and with the intention of adding or making more clear in rewrites I get distracted and forget.
The Funeral scene is another example. Again, a world famous dude has just died, yet the Funeral takes place immediately, in the same area, and comes off as a small affair where Dale just saunters up to someone there, and ends up going back to Davinci’s house with her…in a cab! How’d he get to the funeral? I assume he drove, how’d he get back to his car from Davinci’s house? Another cab ride? Why? Doesn’t make sense, and I don’t think it comes off as at all real. Why would she invite him over like that? Why give him the tapes? This whole interaction just doesn’t work as it is, and the dialogue between them isn’t too good..
The police station scene also doesn’t ring true at all. It comes off kinda…blah…Erin walks in, hands off a tape, and…blah…nothing. Doesn’t come off as well thought out or put together.
I was told about both of these scenes before I sent the script to bert and left them so I deserve the negative comments.
The dialogue for the most part didn’t come off as real either. The interactions with Dale and his parents didn’t work, and for the most part involved a lot of time that didn’t go anywhere, nor needed to be included. There’s a rather long section involving Dale and his Dad talking about what to do about the box he received. Then a phone call to the Post Office, which goes nowhere at all. The girl he meets at the contest doesn’t ring true at all with the kiss, and those 2 characters inclusion just doesn’t make sense. I also didn’t buy Erin and Dale’s interaction. Who is Erin? We know nothing about her at all, and the scene just comes off as rather odd. And to think that Erin just walked into their house and took the tape while Dale slept is also odd and unrealistic.
My beef here is that dialogue between mother and son is realistic and however much it didn't work or was pointless it is realistic. I am the source for the realism as I lifted it from my own life.
The girl at the contest is a funny story. Bert is in on that joke...
I thought Erin was set up in the park scene. I added a line about them being old friends. I did want her to be a bigger part in the beginning maybe even write an actual ventriloquist act but like I found for my feature writing a ventriloquist act and making it funny as a whole is not fun or short.
As James said, things are too slow and there’s too little action going on. I know it’s tough trying to write a full story in 25-30 pages. That’s why you have to make sure everything you include is necessary, important, interesting, etc. Way too much dialogue between Dale and his parents. The Post Office scene isn’t necessary at all. I don’t think the contest scene is even a good idea…just have him come home with a trophy, since we didn’t get to see any of the act anyways.
Can't disagree here.
I wrote a terrible short about a killer porcelain doll for Midnight Moves and re-reading that script I wondered why people liked it. It is terrible and trying to do a rewrite for something that bad is even worse cause you have to actually read it.
Maybe people like action, dolls and camp.
OK, the ending also doesn’t work for me. I mean, it’s 10 years later, and Erin’s still around? Huh? No life for her, huh? Why would he be able to keep the doll, after he was saying it was the doll that did everything anyway? Why wait 10 years to kill himself, and how in the world could he hang himself from a bedpost in a mental ward? Just doesn’t make any sense to me.
This is a major problem that was not fixed and I had an alternate ending but it came after the script was sent to Bert and when I got it back Bert used the part that would change with the puppet at the end.
That is my fault. I wanted to throw it after Tanis but it goes off the "format" so it was left out.
His death was also a problem I could not get out of. We can look back and say that was dumb but that bedpost will probably haunt me. Same with my simplistic description of it and not trying to be more clear.
So, listen, I know this all comes off as very negative, and I apologize about that, but I want to be as honest as I can and point things out that hopefully you’ll think about next time.
Dale is the only character here that has any life to him, and that life is quickly sucked away with the mundane actions taking place. I think you should have focused more on Dale and Kenny, as there were a few good exchanges and interesting possibilities. I also think this needed some more action early on, as well as throughout. I’m not saying you have to show gore or the like, but something. Maybe you should have intro’d Erin earlier and had some sort of relationship going on, so that we could fear for her, or at least know her.
Lots of possibilities. I just think you need to explore them and give us more in terms of meat, and far less in terms of bland, 3 day old vegetables, which nobody likes anyway.
Good effort though here, Steven. Take what you can from this and know that it’s meant to help. You have a great premise here and a lot of room to move it around. Take care, bud.
I do appreciate it.
I like these types of tales that deal with dummies. Those are the ones that I'm afraid of and remember most. This is can be shot very low budget and has sequel potential. lol. My only problem is at the interrogation room where Dale talks about UFOS. Where did that come up? I expected him to talk about the dummy which will make him look more insane.
Also, I really dug how you played with the idea of if Kenny's alive, but it didn't come through right or maybe that was my own interpretation. For example, when Erin sees it sitting at the bench, how about not revealing Kenny sitting but see her looking at something. So, when Dale turns to investigate nothings there. You get me?
The interrogation probably would have been better if he blamed the dummy more (It has been done too much though) and I painted myself into a corner with that scene. It should have just been cut and another way found to show the deaths. maybe just Erin and him alone or something as she plays it back for him.
I agree with the whole bench thing as well. I put him there on the bench so he isn't gone from the story for too long. Maybe even if he was brought along by Dale and was placed on a swing. Then maybe Erin accidently knocks him off and Dale gets angry about it.
Hi Steven, just read your episode. I like the premise but I had quite a few problems with the actual script.
Most of the problems revolve around the dialogue. I thought it was all pretty wooden and on the nose to be honest. Dale was pretty two-dimensial throughout and as your protagonist I didn't really feel for him too much. Even when it's revealed that he's murdered four people, including his parents. I don't think you established any depth to the characters. You had the main objective that Dale had but that's it. As for the other characters, what were they there for apart from the story?
One small problem I had was the phone conversations. The first one I think, I thought read as a comedy, as it was the classic "You just repeated what the person on the other end of the line just said, but put it as a question, you say?". I don't know whether they were tongue in cheek, but they were pretty odd. Another thing was breaking up the dialogue for when the character we can see and hear is listening to the other end. It just was difficult to read in the right way I though, a bit unclear.
The premise itself I liked. It's a little similar to the film 'Magic' in that a ventriliquist becomes convinced that his doll is alive and is forcing him to do as he says.
I'm sorry if this came off as very negative but, apart from the premise, I didn't really care for this episode too much. Sorry man.
Things I Liked >Puppet characters somehow being alive and messing with people in the real world >The basement full of the history of Kenny’s conquests >Kenny’s eyes following Dale when they first met >Good example of how flashbacks move a story forward
Things I Didn’t Like >Slow build of story >Tension or stakes could have been upped a notch or two. Erin could have been put at risk. >Convenient plot points such as a tape recorder, a bedpost of the right height and strength to hang from until dead
Gary
BTW, One of the best puppet plots was on Angel episode 5-14 “Smile Time”
Hey Steven, just finished your script. This really did have kind of a twilight zone feel to it. I thought that Dale came off creepy right away though, I think the story would have been stronger if Dale was more normal at first then slowly became more strange. I liked the overall tone of your story, it did have a nice eerie feel to it. I know this isn't the usual kind of stories you right but I thought you did a pretty good job with it. I liked the Tanis and Kenny stuff as well, that was pretty entertaining. So all in all I thought this was another good episode.
Very even keel all the way through. I never felt the fear I think you intended. That was my only issue with it. Of course I did like the reveal on tape by Davinci that the doll had found a new master. That was a very good way of doing it. Man, does that doll go through some owners! He's downright fickle!
A good tale well written. A good addition to the series!
I thought this one worked out pretty well. Others have said that it's a hard way to go due to the small scope of things you have to work with, and the difficulty in coming up with fresh take on it, but all in all I thought this was fine.
I wasn't a huge fan of the talent show scene myself. I got the character names, and could onyl assume it was a reference to Better Days, but by itself it didn't do a whoel lot to advance the story. You could have left it out and had him entering his house with the announcement that he won (as you did) with the same effect.
Using the two puppets put a different spin on things, but I would have liked to have seen just a little bit more of that angle in there.
I wish more people would start looking at these, because it's getting to be awfully ridiculous seeing these get read only by the other writers in the series.
stebrown - I can't disagree. Phone conversations are not something I like either. As a fan of film what reads as wooden on the page can be made to sound great on film... you can't win with dialogue for the most part. If the iscript makes it less wooden point proven or not but maybe that's the benefit of an iscript so you can hear your words.
grademan - I really wanted to go into the "conquests" of Kenny as you put it but it would have slowed the story down further.
Dale should have had a rival which also may have made the contest stuff more relevant for some.
In my head it wasn't about the height of the bed post just the fact that he strangled himself and not really "hang" in a traditional sense. Looking back I should have had someone kill him as he did the person before him because the puppet has to move on to the next host.
And as far as Erin being at risk, you are right. Could have used that and have Dale rescue her but she's afraid of him cause it was actually he who abducted her.
Jordan - All I can say is if he wasn't creepy from the beginning he wouldn't be playing with puppets haha. Thanks for the read.
steven8 - If I could have thought of a good way to do it I would have liked to add more about those owners.
Mike - The contest scene was originally going to be another scene where someone thinks they see the puppet and Dale sitting backstage talking to Kenny but I wasn't sure if I should have so many scenes with him talking to the puppet.
I think I added those characters so that I could feel like it was something I wrote. I tried to just make the scene throwaway and be a segue in my timeline to the film haha. Most of the stuff I write all connects in some way to everything else.
A few years back I had somebody write an episode of their series with one of my characters and I did with one of his and have mentioned that time where she was missing in that she got pregnant and named her son after his main character... who cares about those little things except me? You know.
Like the fact that I throw a wink to the camera in everything I write. Nobody notices but I do it anyway.
I liked what you did with this script. You kept a nice light tone until the very end then you kind of hammered us with what was really happening.
I can't really complain much about the writing, the dialogue or the characters because I think you had them down.
If there were something I would have enjoyed a bit better, it would be if Kenny were doing the actual killing but I guess you sort of implied he was controlling Dale - rather than the other way around. I think I would have liked it to be a bit more obvious though. I also think that the way things are now the ending was too expected.
I though Tanis was fantastic in this script - especially the reading of her.
This one didn't work quite as well for me as the other two SoulShadows entries I've read. I think the main problem is that, quite frankly, I don't give a shit about puppets. I find them extremely silly, so it was a little difficult for me to feel any kind of threat or menace from something that's ordinarily benign. That's not a comment on your writing at all, just a personal thing.
I had a couple of other problems, though. Mainly the parents. While I understand the tension between Dale and his mother, I don't really understand why Dale feels so antagonistic towards his father. In the scenes they have together, his father seems very supportive of Dale's passion for ventriloquism, and doesn't seem bothered by this whole competition thing. Yet in later scenes, Dale complains that his parents "don't understand him"? Seemed a little contradictory.
Another element that didn't quite work for me was the Kenny doll's involvement in the story. Is the Kenny doll a personality? A supernatural doll that travels from person to person driving them to kill (this seemed to be the impression I got from Ms. Carlson). But later it just seems as if Dale himself is out of his mind already and Kenny was just a catalyst. Everything that happens in this script feels like it could go either way, and I think a little more clarity on this issue would help improve the overall script.
I despised the thing with the cat. If I never see another horror movie where a black cat jumps out of a cloest, spooking someone it'll be way too soon.
Having said all that, there are some positives. Tanis is - as always - a delight. I love her stuff and would love to read a whole episode about her. She's fascinating. I also liked the relationship between Dale and Erin. Her sadness about Dale's condition and her desire to help him was the most enjoyable part of the script for me. I also liked how you hinted at Kenny's jealousy of Dale's first doll. That was sort of an interesting little moment that I enjoyed a lot.
Overall, it's not a bad script, but not my favourite SoulShadows. I think a little tightening up of the script would help a lot. Still, it was a fun 25 minutess, and I'm glad I listened to it.
I don't really have anything new to say about the script as it read similar to how I remembered it from when I first read it.
I liked that Tanis and Kenny had an argument in the end and that Kenny "operated" on his own. I'm not a big doll fan myself, but I do think it's a little creepy when they move their eyes.
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Soulshadows II: Davinci's Doll
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