The Academy by Jimmy Dean (split second) - Series - The Academy's safety is threatened when a mentally unstable student holds White hostage, holding her accountable for his problems in life.  43 pages - pdf, format

Thank you very much for putting this up. This my second script I've posted here, and the second one I've really written. All coments are hugely appreciated.

It's your 2nd script you've ever written and it shows...

You have so many problems in this one, man. For instance, on page 1 alone...

We follow one Professor in particular, VICTOR. He is a smart,
handsome man with short hair. He holds a CLIPBOARD in his
left hand, while scribbling down notes with a pen in his
right hand.

Since you described him as being a lab tech, holding a clipboard... We can draw a thick line to him being someone in the know. Take out "HE IS A SMART MAN" You've done shown us that... Don't tell us that.

Then...

These cages are small and made out of an unknown transparent,
bubble like material. The cages are circular and it soon
becomes clear what is inside--

--TEENAGE CHILDREN!

My GAWD!!!! TEENAGE CHILDREN YOU SAY!!!?!!?!?!??!!?!?!?  C'mon, don't be so dramatic in your action slugs... It's a detraction.

Page 2 starts off on the wrong foot too... "AS WE LOOK"   As who looks? Don't include us into your script... You're not a director when you're writing a screenplay.. You're a writer.  You do this a lot in the script too.

The chair spins around, but THE OWNER is still in complete
darkness, to the extent where you can’t make out the
slightest feature.

You're doing way too much over writing... You're writing as if you're a novelist in a lot of instance, not a screenwriter. Huge difference. Screenwriting isn't about detail, grammar and page coverage. It's about saying the most in the absolute least and still coming out with a good story to tell. It's about seeing more white on a page than ink... It's about bringing everything you are and know as a writer into one format and making a blue print for a movie out of it.

You're clearly at the stage where you want to be both a novelist and a screenwriter and a director even... Pick one and go with it.

I can't continue the script past page 5.  You might have a story in here worth feeling out, but it'd be hard to find it without picking apart or stopping for the flaws every two seconds...

Thank you for the comment, and I get what you're saying, but I've looked at certain scripts, including Joss Whedon's Buffy The Vamprie Slayer Pilot, and that has detail and description in. I get what you're saying, but I don't understand how that ruins the flow of the story. Unless I'm missing something, surely it would just help the reader get a feel for the characters. I mean, it's obviously just a blue-print - but if I give them my interperation, they can spin it.

Maybe I'm totally in the wrong here, and maybe I'm missing the point. But I don't see how putting some detail into a script spoils it.

Again, I really appreciate you comment.

Quoted from Split Second Thank you for the comment, and I get what you're saying, but I've looked at certain scripts, including Joss Whedon's Buffy The Vamprie Slayer Pilot, and that has detail and description in. I get what you're saying, but I don't understand how that ruins the flow of the story. Unless I'm missing something, surely it would just help the reader get a feel for the characters. I mean, it's obviously just a blue-print - but if I give them my interperation, they can spin it. Maybe I'm totally in the wrong here, and maybe I'm missing the point. But I don't see how putting some detail into a script spoils it. Again, I really appreciate you comment.

Are you writing for TV for for Film? Also, just because you read a script on the interweb doesn't mean it's the original... When you read a script online, 95% of the time it is the produced script... Not the actual penned script. You will find "some" but a great many are null and void.

Putting detail into a script doesn't spoil anything... As long as you know how to add the detail into your script without making a mess out of it. LEarn how to write in short, detailed, burst and not like a narrative or a novel...

Instead of telling us -- Show us.

All I was trying to say. I'm sure you're a capable writer, never said you wasn't... I'm saying you need to read a few scripts from people around here in the unproduced section and go from there. Reason being, since they are "by and large" unproduced and a great many here know how to write a script "PHil, Jeff, Bert, Breann and so forth and so on..." They are probably the scripts "YOU" should be looking at.

I hope this clears things up.

It does, and I'd like to thank you for your help. I'm here to try and get better, and hopefully that comes through with whatever I write next.

And this was for television.