Teddy Bears and Raindrops by Andrew Lightfoot - Short - A little girl regains her trust in a teddy bear named Ordie. 14 pages - pdf, format

Hello, Lightfoot, I've just read your short and here are my thoughts. Overall, I liked the story and found it simple but effective. Although I knew how the story would end, I did smile when Katie opened the package. Your action prose was largely straightforward and to the point and helped make this an easy read.

Now, the comments I'm about to post may come across as nitpicky and you may already know some of the things I'm about to write but please keep in mind I'm just trying to help. I had a similar experience with the first script I posted and, while the criticisms stung, they helped me immensely.

Page 1: Your title page and the first page of the screenplay shouldn't be numbered. Also, you should use the same font size as your script for the title page. Your page numbers should be in the upper right corner starting with the second page. There shouldn't be any other header or footer.

Page 2: You don't need to put your sluglines in bold. I would also suggest using more descriptive sluglines, especially since many scenes take place in the same house. For example, the first scene could be: INT. KATIE'S HOME - HALLWAY - DAY. Other scenes which take place in the home could use the first part of the above slugline to better establish a sense of place. Also, you introduce the maid in your action prose as Kas but use Kashina when she delivers dialogue. Furthermore, she only has one line which made me wonder why she was given a name in the first place. If you don't want to just call her the maid, I would use Kas or Kashina but not both and I would also mention her name in the story.

Page 3: Mr. Grunnels becomes Mr. Grunnel on this page before switching back. You should also watch for action lines which do not directly describe an action we can see.  Take the following line: Katie's curiosity takes over. This doesn't clearly describe an action, in my opinion. Does she tilt her head? Does she smile? Doe she scratch her temple? Try stating what action Katie takes.

Page 4: You should try to use the active voice when writing action prose. For example, take this line: She looks to the bear as if hearing its reply. This could easily be changed to this: She looks at the bear as though she hears a reply. I also don't think you need the parenthetical when Katie tries out a name for the bear. I would suggest only using a parenthetical when absolutely necessary.

Page 5: Considering you've introduced Sasha by name in the previous sentence, you can simply state she is wearing a name tag instead of explicitly stating the tag has "Sasha" written on it. You should write "bulky man" in caps when he first appears as he is a new character as well. Also, if you're not going to give him a name, you should refer to him as "bulky man" as "man" is a little too generic.

Page 6: I know it's a short, but I think the transition from the gift shop to the cemetery was a little too abrupt. In fact, it took a second read for me to realize the gift shop was in an airport (something which could be clarified with a more descriptive slugline or an action line at the beginning of the scene). You may want to consider a brief scene where Kashina or Katie's aunt and uncle learn of the death. Also, the priest and the crowd at the funeral should be written in caps as they are new characters in the story.

Page 7: You introduce Uncle Phil rather abruptly in the story. Furthermore, neither his name nor his relation to Katie is ever mentioned. I would suggest introducing both Phil and Aleena at the funeral, as it would give us a chance to learn of their relation to Katie as well as the knowledge they are now her guardians.

Page 11: I'm not sure why Aleena leaves to retrieve the first bear, especially since she seems so eager to give Katie the second bear. I assume she wants to soothe Katie and tell her why she needs to keep Ordie, but the conversation she has with Phil doesn't make her thoughts clear. Furthermore, I'm not sure why Phil left the house as well. Who is watching Katie? Kashina? I think so, but we haven't seen her since the opening scene. Also, the new bear is described as leaning against the box. In the next scene, the bear is back in the box even though neither Phil nor Aleena put it back. You should have one of the characters (Phil would be the better choice) put the bear in the box before leaving.

There were other grammatical and spelling quirks I noticed (mostly a lack of commas), but you can easily find them should you revise the script in the future. Once again, my comments above are only meant to help and I apologize if my comments come across as rather harsh. I hope this response helps you, Lightfoot, and good luck with your writing.

Don't worry Abelorfao all comments are welcome.

The reason for the bold sluglines and the pages not being numbered properly is because of the program I use, Microsoft word with a screenplay template.

Great surname. Onto the script, I'll start with the negative and finish with the positive points.

I wouldn't use Word. You'd be much better using some proper software. There's a few threads on this site about free ones and all the other options. Final Draft for me, a fine investment.
The big title at the start didn't help. You'll be putting a few people off straight away.
I see abelorfao pointed out a lot of the problems, so I won't repeat. There's some very good advice there.
The start could be cut down a lot. Surprisingly you skip over some other scenes. I got a little lost with the characters and where we up to. Some things seemed to just happen for no reason. While most became clear later I felt a little more needed to happen.

The actual story was a good one. The mail man scene was well executed. Some nice ideas that were pretty much all wrapped up. I think with a bit of work this would be a fine script.

Yeah I'm starting to think I should check out some other screenwriting softare, word always seems to give me problems.

Thanks for the read.

Andrew,

I haven’t read the preview reviews, so forgive me if I sound redundant.

I liked your short. It reminds in a certain way mine Aubrey.

Your front page is badly formatted. (it’s only a tiny detail)

Kashina’s first lines, says all the rest of the story. We know what’s going to happen. Remember Scream’s rule:  never say, I’ll be right back. 

Katie’s first lines are clichés too. My 5 year old boy in the same situation would be grumpy and silent on his own. Mr Grunell(s?) dialogs right after are fine.

The man in the gift shop is useless to my opinion. We might think he’s related with Katie too. Or show him buying the bear relunctangly. The exact opposite of Grunnell.

The link to the cemetery is too abrupt.

Katie might want to get rid of Ordie because she accuses him to have killed her father ?

The parcel delivery takes too long (after the funerals) Maybe it might occur when Aleena hears about Grunnell on the phone ?

Hope it’ll help

Michel

Yeah, i don't know why but all other scripts I've submitted on this site had the same type of front page, with the wording large. Only till this one have I realized it was wrong, sad.

I'm thinking about taking kashina right out so as to trim down the start of the script. Katie's first comments I'll probably look to change up as well but i can't really think of what else a four year old would say.

Before, I had the man exactly like the opposite of Mr. Grunells but changed it for some reason.

Perhaps i should just re-think a new plot line

strange little script, not in a bad way.
I definately missed the sudden death of her father and had to go back to figure out what was going on.  Is the creepy man somehow involved?  Also why does her father give her a teddy bear, then go to the airport and mail an identical one?  seems kinda strange.
anyways i enjoyed it, maybe just some more clarification and expansion.  The girl was definately an interesting character

Hey Jackx and thanks for the read.

Yeah, I usually assume too much when I write, I thought when Sasha said "have a safe flight sir" and the cemetery scene following right after that, that it would suffice.

The creepy many is involved in this but in a small way, there is something missing at the start of the gift shop scene, I meant to put that the father has a necklace he was going to mail to his daughter and that the bulky man was going to mail that teddy bear to his, but when they both handed Sasha the papers, she mixed them up and she couldn't tell whose was whose, again i assumed too much with the action "She quickly puts a smile back on her face. Both papers are now mixed up in one hand."  So this whole daughter getting another white teddy bear was a mistake. She was never meant to get it, however she did, and one little message changed her feelings.

I don't think people uderstand what's going through Katie's mind when she sees the new bear. She's only 4 years old, she doesn't know about death the way we do. To her that bear isn't only Ordie, it's a sign to her that her father, in a way, is still around.

allright, that makes sense now.  i understood the packages got mixed up, but they were both sending bears, it makes sense if ones a necklace.  
I definately think there could be a scene or two more where we see katie interacting with the bear, and the bear taking on the additional significance after her fathers death, building up to her throwing it away.   maybe if you threw a scene of her and the bear between the flight and the funeral, so after hes dead but before she knows, ending it with her aunt/uncle coming in, about to give the bad news.  that would also get rid of the abrupt link to the cemetary which i think michel and myself both found awkward.
anyways not sure how interested you are in expanding it, but the characters are definately interesting enough to support a little more getting to know them and be empathetic.  good luck

(oh and the title was the reason i read it in the first place, definately stands out)

Very good title, nice story (with more unhappy children).  The only thing that stuck out was naming the bear she went from snowball to ordie, which seems kind of like a jump.  Snowballs all cutesie, Ordies just odd.  But she's a kid so I guess her mind could be a bit erratic.  I would say there is room for one or two more tight little scenes to develop the story a little smoother.   Overall nicely done.

Thanks for the comment Ophelia

I agree wth you about the scenes, I have already written a 2nd draft for this and I am thinking about submitting it sometime today.

I liked this story, it's sad, but I liked it.

For example when Sasha mixes up the paperwork you write that she picks them up and mixes them up. If I were to watch that on screen that would be a difficult thing to pick up. More attention needs to be made to that part. And that's a VERY important part of your story.

It was interesting how her final gift from her father was lie, and not actually from her father.

There should be a 2nd draft of this coming up soon.

Thanks for the read Tony

The updated version in now up, I changed some things up and in added a new scene.