Jersey Ghost Hunters by Cameron Mitchell - Short. Comedy - Three idiots explore an abandoned psychiatric hospital, hoping to find proof of ghosts. 12 pages - pdf, format

SPOILERS






You had me right from the beginning with the ghosts, but then I started reading, and this was some funny s***.  
Oh man.

Dialogue wise I loved it. Crisp, origninal lines. You had me cracking up.

You boys lift weights?
My grandma got me into it.
That's what the wardon told us.
That ghost really like you, Zak.
I feel like I'm puttin' a calzone in the oven.

I liked the orbs, too.
Shoot, I liked 98 percent of it.

I loved it up until the last page, then it stopped too soon. Way too soon. Not sure if I liked the car being towed...

but as usual I do have a suggestion. The drunk guy. The caretaker. He's always there, but really doesn't play a significant role. I think something that may be funny is when Paulie is pulled out of the slab (you know) maybe he lost  his favorite underwear. ???
Maybe the drunk guy could have them at the end. ???


Anyway,
I thought it was a great read.

Cindy

Cam

You're always good to read my work, so like all good, honest, God fearing SS members I like to return the favour.

Great story you have here, sort of a Blair Witch Project skit, trading the forest for a hospital. As Cindy mentioned your dialogue was sharp, fluent and flowed seamlessly. Very funny in places too.

Would they have caretakers such as Ed for those abandoned buildings working full time? If so, damn it must be one boring occupation, no wonder Ed is pissed the whole time.

You have a great lead character in Zak with the less talkative Paulie providing an ideal sidekick. I loved the odd little lines of input he throws in here and there to back up his buddy.

In the opening few pages I think you may have overstepped the line on a couple of occasions where I would say you were trying to be a little too funny.

For example:

ZAK
People ask me all the time how I
got into this field. They say,
“Zak, you could be a model, or a
famous Hollywood actor. Why you
chasin’ ghosts?” I tell ‘em my
grandma got me into it.

and

ZAK
But, yeah, my faith in the Lord is
what keeps me goin.’ You don’t
have faith, you got nothin.’ And
anyone that doesn’t believe in
Jesus can suck my dick

I just felt in these cases with the "Model", "Hollywood actor" and "Suck my dick" statements were a tad overkill, everything else was pretty much pitch perfect.

The "Orb" part on the camera images was a standout, more quality lines from Paulie.

"The ol’ meat locker." -- Is this a homage to The Simpsons episode when Bart, Ralph and three bullies explore the abandoned penitentiary. Bart is describing the place, using all these monikers until one of the guys tells him to shut up. One of the things he calls it is "The ol’ meat locker"...I think.

Great part when he is sliding Paulie in and out of the fridge, some funny lines from Zak as was the sequence with the straitjacket and murmuring voice, Zak's reaction is priceless.

Good ending, Zak's "haunted off its A**" speech was hilarious, good punch line too, although the best lines were sprinkled throughout the piece.

Fu?king great job with this, Cam, very witty and very clever, really hit the mark. Solid, efficient writing with some fantastic repertoire between the characters. I loved it from start to finish, certainly one of the better scripts I've read on the site, no jokes, a job well done.

I look forward to your next one.

Col.

Col and Cindy,

Thanks for the read.  I based this script on a real show here in the US called Ghost Adventures.  It's basically three meatheads running around haunted houses, apparently thinking that they're experts on the subject.  For that matter, there's actually three or four other reality ghost hunting shows on tv now.  Just seemed like a genre that was asking for a spoof.

I put the character of Ed in there as a way of delivering some background info on the hospital.  I don't really know if this would be a full-time occupation, he's just someone who goes in there and keeps the place from falling apart.  He's another character I based on someone I saw in one of the ghost hunting shows.

Col, the lines that you mentioned as going too far, I can understand what you're saying.  But I was trying to make Zak in particular an egomaniac who believes people really want to hear whatever inane thought enters his head.

But, glad you guys liked it.  This was a actually a fun one to write.

Cam

Hi Cam,

Good story with a rather disappointed twist (I’ll come back on the twist later). In the logline, you call your heroes « idiots ». This could be relunctant for future readers because I found they were not idiots at all. Just teenagers who want to prove something.

I liked the atmosphere of the hospital certainly inspired by the latest version of House on Haunting Hill.

You’d certainly increase interest if one of your characters was a girl (i.e. Paulie). She could be the kind of girl who’s afraid of nothing (and then you avoid clichés) and interested by ghosts, and more daring than the boys ?

There are long tunnels of dialogues without any description. During those dialogues, Rob could explore the place with his camera, and so, it would increase Zak’s lines.

There are a few inserts missing (i.e. pictures of the orbs).

I thought at first that Zak’s grandma died in the hospital. Could have been cool if she were involved in the action too (instead of the nurse maybe).

Am I wrong or you mixed up with dates? You say the hospital closed in 1975 and the caretaker talks about events happened in 83. Is he still living here ? Need to clear things up.

Also, I felt frustated to not see what happened to Paulie in the morgue.

Beware, people start to get tired of camera’s POV. Ever since Cloverfield, I doubt we could do better (though I think there’s a Cloverfield II on the way)

Once again about the ending. I guess what you tried to do and then avoid clichés. But it’s too abrupt. You could say earlier the hospital is out of nowhere and one of the characters really needs to get back to town quickly (Rob could complain all along the story, his father would kill him if he finds out he borrowed his camera and he has to get it back ASAP)

The way you bring the story we’re not very sure ghosts are real. So, a suggestion for the twist. Instead of the towing, we could have the car driving by itself and finishing its course into a tree. Ghosts’ revenge after all the insults…

In conclusion, you could have here a nice combination of Buffy’s humour and The Haunting (1963 version) for the creepy events. Except for the location, it could be a very effective low budget film.

You’ve got all those criticisms because I really liked your script and I would read it again if you do a rewrite.

Michel

An old friend of mine from high school is one of those meatballs who heads a group of professional ghost hunters.  He has worked with the guys on the sci-fi channel and produced DVDs and whatnot.  I'm gonna have to give this a read.

Cameron,

I liked your short. I wish my voicing of dialogue was so clear. You even “broke” the four line maximum for dialogue quoted here on the boards and it worked out fine. Of course, I realize it was the style of the faux ghost documentary. (My 13 year old son believes those shows are real.)

You’re quite the humorist (a term I use for people who are funny but not a standup comedian) I really liked the following lines:

Let’s get up there!
I get right up in the ghost’s grill and say “bring it.”
Feel like I’m puttin’ a calzone in the oven.

However, I thought the tone of the story changed when the boys started messing with Nurse Edith. Specifically, it started with the line “Say that to my face you slut!” I expected Ed to behind some of the escapades. The piece ended like a skit build up to a punch line I didn’t get. Was this a reference to “Dude, Where’s Your Car?”

Again, great dialogue and funny lines.

Gary

What? You really think these ghost reality TV shows are due for a parody. I thought they where already a parody of themselves, they just don't know it.

Having a blockhead who belongs in WWE hosting a ghost show is funny and you got some great laughs out of it. Like the roid rage moment and when Zak discovers that dragging the meat tray in and out of fridge unit in wall is a good workout.

Being violated by ghosts was a crack up and because you used this gag more then once, you should have run with and used it as the punch line.

Like have twist at end where Ghost hunters discover the true nature of the building was no longer a mental hospital but has been turned into a "lonely in lust" meet and greet hotel for gay men still in the closest to secretly meet and have sex with each other.

Oh and to the poster above in regards to how you broke the rules by have huge chunks of dialouge. Technically as I see it you have not broke that rule as this short is more like a doco where host talk to audience and so has rules of its own.
  

Michel,
Thanks for the read. To address some of your comments:

"In the logline, you call your heroes idiots. This could be relunctant for future readers because I found they were not idiots at all. Just teenagers who want to prove something. "

They aren't teenagers.  As I indicated, Zak is 30, and the other two are around the same age.  You really thought they weren't idiots?  You're a nicer guy than I am, I guess, because that's how I wrote them.

"Am I wrong or you mixed up with dates? You say the hospital closed in 1975 and the caretaker talks about events happened in 83. Is he still living here ? Need to clear things up."

The hospital closed in 1975 and he's been a caretaker for the property there for the last thirty or so years.  Doesn't live there, but locks it up at night and shows up in the morning, just to keep the place from falling apart.

"The way you bring the story we�re not very sure ghosts are real."

I presented it this way because this script is a spoof of the ghost hunting reality shows, and that's how they work.  They present a bunch of noises or orbs or "voices" and often try to suggest that as proof of ghosts.  I didn't want to show any definitive evidence of ghosts.  I wanted Zak's ego to be the real comedy, not a bunch of whacky ghosts.

Cam

It's very funny.  The guys remind me of those two characters from Saturday night live awhile back.  We will, PUMP you up!  Very well done.

Your characterization was really good, and the situations were handled perfectly.  A lot of fun.

Quoted from Cam17 They aren't teenagers.  As I indicated, Zak is 30, and the other two are around the same age.  You really thought they weren't idiots?  You're a nicer guy than I am, I guess, because that's how I wrote them.

I definitely think they're not sound idiots and still think you should have a girl among them.

Michel 3)

Cam loved it, cracked me up. I watch those ghost hunting shows all the time then I smack myself in the face for wasting a 1/2hr of my life. Glad to see a spoof on them. Can't really think of a way to improve anything here, didn't see any errors. So, I guess reading this comment is about as useless as watching one of those shows. Nice work,   James

read your script, thought it was definately one of the funniest i've read on this site.  everything about the grandma story was hilarious.  i read the comments first and thought grademan was being soft about calling edith a slut, but then i read it and for some reason it kinda struck me as off cord as well.  I'm usually all for profanity, but it seemed out of place in this piece.
as for the ending i actually thought it was pretty appropriate, considering what you were spoofing.  it seems like those shows always build and build up to something, then never deliver, and just end abruptly.  Maybe play it up a little just so its clear its part of the joke and not just you wanting to be done.
overall great script, laughed out loud more than once even though im reading this at work.  nicely done

Hey Cam, I've been meaning to read this for a few days now, the title really stood for me.  Anywho, here are my thoughts;

The opening sets the scene that this is going to be a scary little story but then we meet Ed and I realise this is probably not the case.  The whole interview is very funny.

Zak's coments about himself and especially about him feeling the burn had me cracking up!

'a thrashing ball of molten roid rage.'  I love this line!

I do wonder why Ed still works in a closed building?

The ending was a bit abrupt but the car towing was funny.

I enjoyed this, your writing was excellent and there are some quality lines in there.  Some seem a bit over the top but your characters are good.  Good stuff.

We have a show in England called 'Most Haunted' and it just cracks me up.  The show is live and they venture into all sorts of haunted places only to be freaked out by any little noise, mainly coming from one of them accidentely kicking something lol.

Quoted from alffy Hey Cam, I've been meaning to read this for a few days now, the title really stood for me.  Anywho, here are my thoughts; The opening sets the scene that this is going to be a scary little story but then we meet Ed and I realise this is probably not the case.  The whole interview is very funny. Zak's coments about himself and especially about him feeling the burn had me cracking up! 'a thrashing ball of molten roid rage.'  I love this line! I do wonder why Ed still works in a closed building? The ending was a bit abrupt but the car towing was funny. I enjoyed this, your writing was excellent and there are some quality lines in there.  Some seem a bit over the top but your characters are good.  Good stuff. We have a show in England called 'Most Haunted' and it just cracks me up.  The show is live and they venture into all sorts of haunted places only to be freaked out by any little noise, mainly coming from one of them accidentely kicking something lol.

Yes, they also show Most Haunted over here.  And it is hilarious.  The girl who screams her lungs out if she hears a board creak I especially like.  Also, the guy who gets possessed by every ghost who happens to wander by.  I seriously thought about putting that part in my script.  Maybe if I write a sequel I'll throw that in there.