Soulshadows II: The Pussy and The Hound by P. Cook (me) - Series, Supernatural, Thriller - Keith, the ultimate hound dog treats women as if they were put here on earth only to please him until one day he gets a visit from the ultimate pussy cat..  - pdf, format

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Pia. Bravo! I liked this a lot. The slow pace effectively bulit tension. The story works as a thriller and a comment on Keith's relentless hound behavior.

SPOILER
I especially liked the way the cat/women were referred to as "kitty" than "pussy" and ultimately "c*nt" as the story wrapped up.

The format was flawless - no excess words. (Though I think the character WIDER near the end is a camera action not a character.)

Looking forward to the killer game at Lake Simply!

Gary

BTW, I read the script as I listened along to iScript. Nice experience for those who haven't tried it.

Pia,

I haven't read (yet) your script but I found something very amusing. A long time ago I once wrote a short:

Quoted from SimplyScripts Dairy Screamer by A Member - Short, Horror - A milkman who's used to love women has to deal with a different kind of pussy. 13 pages

and someone called tomson (at this time) wrote this as a review:

Quoted from tomson I had said I was going to read all of the entries and I hate to not follow a promise so I read this one. If I had not made that promise I would not have read this. It wouldn’t have been because of the story, but rather the logline. I know in the UK for example p***y often refers to cats, but here in the US it pretty much only has one meaning and it has nothing to do with felines.

Funny, isn't it???

Michel

I loved this one. My family's had cats since I was a little kid so I'm all too familiar with their bipolar personalities. This one takes that concept to extremes. It reminded of John Carpenter's entry in Tales From The Dark Side: The Movie, except yours has an extra element added to it which makes it a lot more complex.

The suspense is great. Very lowkey but effective with the women's voices and the cat just chilling out there. Keith is a complete a**hole and of course you want to see him get his but the cat is still pretty unnerving in how it just sneaks into his life and cuts him down when he tries to get ahead. I thought it was great.

I also enjoyed the scene where Keith and Simon are talking about "leftovers." A lot of parallels between animal behavior and the actual content of their conversation. It's a little sparse at the moment, as it should be, but I still think you could punch it up some without going over the top. Speaking of over the top, I'm not sure how I feel about the scene with the "PETA cunts." Seems like it was just played for laughs. The girls' dialogue was pretty bad here and the cat getting away kinda softens the blow of the last scene. I think it would work better if you went straight from the dead cat to the last scene.

Anyway, great stuff!

Hey Pia.

Great job here. Very chilling. Oddly enough i thought of Poe's tale revolving around a cat and American Psycho to Keith. lol. But anyway, this was great. I appolgoize I can't offer more but...it was a great read. lol.

Gabe

Hey Pia, I was very happy to see a new Soul Shadows script up today, and jumped into it as soon as I could.  Really like the premise here…as well as the story itself.  Also, love the playful title, which plays so well with the theme and story itself.  I took page by page notes, which are at the bottom of my feedback.

OK, here’s the deal.  I think at 28 pages, this is a bit long in the tooth, so to speak.  I really like the opening and everything up to about the middle, but thought things started to bog down in the final 10-15 pages, and I caught a whole lot of repetition in things that were taking place as well as exact words and phrases being used again and again.  Just too much running around the house for me.  I think you could have cut out at least 4 or so pages and not really lost anything, in terms of action or story.

I liked all the characters.  I liked the way you portrayed Keith as a real A**…you really made it so that I wanted to see him pay for his A-Hole ways.  The girls were well done also, and even though we didn’t really get to know any of them, based on Keith, you had me sympathizing with them all.

The cat was also great!  I am a huge cat person, and think they’re just cool critters, cause they really do whatever they want to, whenever they want to do it.  Can’t say anything negative at all about your cat descriptions or anything involving this cute little puss.

One thing I didn’t care for was the fact that the porcelain cat in Tanis’ possession didn’t really have anything to do with the actual cat in the story.  I think maybe a good idea would be to include the actual figurine in the story.  Have 1 of the first girls give it to Keith as a little present (or maybe have her just say something about it that makes us know she gave it to him awhile back).  When the actual cat starts showing up, the figurine could be gone, as in it has come to life, so to speak.  I think this angle would also provide you a little time to write some scenes that show a little more back story, and could help with another angle here (assuming you could cut out a few pages to make room for this angle).  You could even have the figurine show up in different places in the house, when the cat’s not around, and gone when the little feline is menacing Keith.

I can’t agree with Grademan’s comments about the format being flawless, with no excess words, etc.  The format itself was fine, of course, but I do think there were a lot of excess words, phrases, lines, etc.  There was also a lot of lines in which you were telling us something, rather than showing us…like someone feeling nervous, confused, etc.  I saw a bunch of lines like this throughout.  You decided to write a lot of the action lines as 1 line, space, another line, etc.  I don’t think it worked exactly here, and could be 1 of the reasons it felt bloated to me.

I also didn’t really like the “style” in your action prose, because so much of it came off as “Keith does this, Keith does that…she does this, she does that.”  It’s tough sometimes, depending on what’s going on to write in a way that doesn’t come off like this, so I  can totally relate, but I think if you went over this again, you could clean up the prose so that it came off as a little more reader friendly, if that makes any sense.

Finally, I was waiting for something to happen with Simon using Keith’s boat.  Since you brought this up, I assumed it would come into play later, but you dropped it and it never resurfaced.  Again, I think this could have been a cool scene and provided a little more action away from the house.  Maybe Simon and his date are out on the water, near his house…they could even see Keith come running out on the beach with the shovel.  Or maybe, the reason Simon stopped by was related to him using the boat, and that he’d be coming back again, making Keith more nervous about cleaning things up.

OK, that about does it for me.  I definitely think there are a lot of good things going on here.  I think that it can be a lot better in a rewrite though.  You’ve definitely got a way about you, in that all (or at least most) of your scripts (and characters) have a very real sexual energy to them that you put to paper very well, which is always a pleasure.

Good job!  Hope this helps a bit.

Page 1 – Why is the title on the first page?

Page 2 – I like the repetitive description of the cat…exactly the same as in Tanis’ intro – well done.

Page 3 – Why does Keith have a last name, but Melissa doesn’t?

Need a comma after “hot”.

How do we see the camcorder behind the mirror, which seems to be mounted in the ceiling?  Not sure I understand how this would work.

“narrowed” – do you really want the past tense here?  Also, I think this thought should be most likely be combined to the previous sentence, maybe with a “…” instead of a period.

Page 4 – “floor to ceiling mirror” – I can’t picture a wall mounted mirror that would extend all the way to the ceiling.  Why would it go all the way up to the ceiling?  In a nice house like this, we’re talking about at least 10 feet, maybe even 12.  Sorry, just being a bit picky, I know.

I like Keith’s line to himself – funny and also really shows us who he is.

Page 5 – “Keith beams with self-satisfaction then runs off barefoot down the dunes down to the waters edge.” – I don’t like the double use of “down”…it sounds kind of weird this way.  Also think a comma would help after “dunes”.

Page 6 – “Keith is confused.” – I think you should show us this, as apposed to telling us.

Page 8 – Need a comma after “spoiled”.

“cascade” should be “cascades”

Need a period after “intern” at the very bottom of the page.

Page 10 – “pour” should be “pours”.

Page 11 – “massages” should be “massage”.

Page 13 – “Keith gets up, heads over to the big sliding glass doors. He opens them all up.” – I’d combine these 2 sentences with a comma, and get rid of “He” and “all up”.

“He circles around the cat so it ends up between Keith and the open doors.” – awkwardly worded with “Keith” in the middle of the sentence.  I’d rewrite this one for sure.

Last sentence needs some attention, IMO.  As it is, I’d say you need a comma after “hisses” and “based”.  I’d definitely lose the Alien reference.

Page 14 – I don’t think all these lines should have their own line.  I think many should be combined into a paragraph (or 2…).  The first line seems to be miss worded – “on top of his lungs”?  Doesn’t sound right.  “searches” should be “search”.

“sweeps” should be “sweep”

“Where are you you little pussy?” – need a comma in between the “you’s.”

Page 15 – Need a comma after “Surprised”

Page 16 – Need a comma after “yours”, before “Keith”.

Page 17 – Need a comma after “abortion”, before “Keith”

“can not” should be “cannot”

Page 18 – “…on top of her lungs.” – should be “at the top of her lungs” or something.  Same as before, the phrase you’re using isn’t a phrase, as far as I know, and doesn’t sound right.

Page 19 – “…and on to…” – doesn’t sound right again…maybe “into”?

Page 20 – Need a comma after “moment” before “Simon”.

Page 24 – another double “down”.

“stand” should be “stands”

Page 26 – “don’t” should be “doesn’t”

My dear Pia!

I ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY andCOMPLETLY loved this one!!!!

This is my favorite work that I have read of yours so far and although I know that your writing is always solid, this one is striking! It just really GETS WITH ME! (Throughout, I kept thinking of your dear kitty cat.   Merlin and Merry say "Meow!" You've captured within this, something very subtle, but real within a kind of male and female stereotype that many of us can relate to.

There are some small typos and probably some other minor errors that we could grab with some careful scrutiny, but this is an awesome job. I really have to applaud this one. My favorite. You and Michael with the ferris wheel tale stand out as memorable in this series so far. Hopefully, I can catch up and read some of the others.

Kudos girl! Kudos!

Sandra

AWESOME responses!!!!!

I have to keep this short at the moment as I'm still pulling my hair out trying to get the promo for the reality show ready on time.

Gary,

I'm so glad you liked it. I'm going back to my roots (I think) which means writing whatever enters my brain and NOT give a damn if someone will want to produce it or not. It seems to work better as my efforts since making that decision have been mostly well received.

The WIDER thing at the end was something that happened when I transferred Bert's rtf file into the script. Even though I re-read the script, I somehow missed that error.

I thank you for reading!

I will return the read as soon as I can. Maybe Sunday as I'll spend a few hours at the airport...  If I forget, just remind me. I'm a scatter brain.


Michel!!!

What are you???  A F**king detective???  

me,

Glad to hear you are busy doing things in the industry you love which will make you money.  

If you have pulled all your hair out, you can always sell it to a wig maker for a fortune!

So, about your script here.  I thought it was a lot of fun, well told.  I too love cats, and you portrayed this one purrfectly.  I would like to have seen the figurine in the story as well, though.

The action and dialogue flowed beautifully, and the sense of psychosis as our a**hole pretty was driven to his death was done just right.  If filmed properly, the disorientation could be fantastic!

Well done.  An excellent addition to the series!!

Quoted from steven8 So, about your script here.  I thought it was a lot of fun, well told.  I too love cats, and you portrayed this one purrfectly.  I would like to have seen the figurine in the story as well, though. The action and dialogue flowed beautifully, and the sense of psychosis as our a**hole pretty was driven to his death was done just right.  If filmed properly, the disorientation could be fantastic! Well done.  An excellent addition to the series!!

I'm a cat puuurson too. What especially hitched me was the motherly instincts of the girls at the end. I think it's just like a woman to behave this way. That's what I really loved about it. Beyond cats and sex - it was the subtle truth of what I felt Pia was hinting at.  Again, maybe the writer never even feels a gentle gist of what the reader picks up. To me that's part of the fun.

Sandra

Hi Pia. Just finished reading this. It zipped along very nicely, though I do agree with Jeff that it may be a tad long.
In a nutshell, I really liked this. The writing was crisp and effective, and Keith was painted immediately as an arsehole. Even though his character seemed a caricature, his dealings with the cat made him more vulnerable. We KNEW he would eventually get his just desserts; it was just a matter of how and when!

Overall, really good stuff, Pia.

One question: Simon's date, Kendra? Was she in your Seven Deadly Sins story?

PS: we have a black Chinese Oriental cat named Jet Li! Nearly 8 years old but goes feral still!

James, always great to get a read from you. It makes me very happy you liked this one.

As far as the length goes, I guess I must take that into concideration since you were apparently not the only one to think that.

The scene with the girls... Sure, I guess their dialogue could come off as bad, but they are supposed to talk baby-talk to the cat which might explain that.

About parallels... I try to put as much meaning as I can into everything and so that everything is connected on more levels than one. Quite often it happens by accident which I find a little spooky sometimes. My mind works in mysterious ways.

Thanks again.

Gabe, thanks for reading.

You're the second person that has mentioned Poe in regard to this one. I'm not that familiar with Poe, but I guess I have to look into the cat story.

Glad you liked the story and thanks for reading.

I'll respond to Jeff after I get home tonight as I think it will take me a while to type up a response.  

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. I ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY andCOMPLETLY loved this one!!!!

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. Kudos girl! Kudos!

It sounds to me like a reaction from a girl to a girl. Like a revenge over the machist male.

I liked it too Pia. It reminds by certain aspect the last one you did for 7DS. A (little) bit overlong, but OK.

But I wonder deep inside what would your reaction if it was the opposite. Women use men like kleenex too. What's the word for "machist girl"?

Good job anyway. It sounds like you're in a sex writing period. Is it so hot at home?

Michel

It's a short story called the Black Cat.

The link to the story:
http://classiclit.about.com/library/bl-etexts/eapoe/bl-eapoe-blackcat.htm

I think it's acceptable in the Soul Shadows format to write this way.  All Tanis' intros contain such verbiage.  Same thing with a collaborative game type thing, like "Killer" or "Shiva".  It's just a less formal kind of thing, IMO.

But, if it were an actual spec script, I'd comment on the use of these words, depending on how they were being used and how often.

Hmmm, where'd Clorox's post go?  This was in response to that post, so if it's outta here, mine should follow...