Machine Gun Symphony by Michael Joseph Kospiah (spesh2k) - Action - During the summer of 1977 in the crime infested streets of New York City, a homeless subway performer takes a stand and turns vigilante. He becomes a hero but catches the attention of several notorious crime figures. 97 pages - pdf, format

Thought I'd check this one out because the logline caught my attention.

All in all, I have to say that I enjoyed it.  I did have my problems with it, but I'll get to those in a bit.  I think your dialogue was really good, not cliche or anything.  Sometimes when people write "street talk" it just sounds like a mixture of a bunch of popular movies, but this sounded pretty authentic.  I didn't find myself rolling my eyes or anything.  

Your descriptions were also pretty solid.  You avoided large chunks which made for an easy read; especially when it came to the action sequences.

I think, when it boils down to it, my biggest complaint (and I'll get into this when I get into more specifics) is the killing.  It seems like people kill each other (basically everyone in the script) without thinking at all.  It's as if there are absolutely no rules or laws or anything.  I know you have the FBI and cops show up, but it's almost an afterthought.  Everyone conveniently shows up after everything happens.  Also, when you go around killing everyone in your script, when people die, you lose any type of emotional reaction, ya know?

The specifics:

p. 1 - There's a large gap at the bottom

p.1 - "Avert their eyes to the fight"  - seems awkward

p.5 - The line "I remember you" seems weird considering the circumstances (and that he just saw him a few minutes ago)

p.9 - I don't really buy this scene.  I know he runs the bowling alley and that he's a big-wig, but I still think brutally murdering someone in public seems a bit much.  I'd think it'd be more effective in a private bowling alley in his home or something.

p.-15  "...weren't nobody significant.."  -  I like this line a lot but I think you need to change the word significant, as it seems to make it kind of clunky

p.22 -  I like the dialogue about "the thing".  Draws attention to mob stereotypes about how everything is "the thing".  Funny.

p.26 - I really don't buy how easily Noah picked up Adam's wife at the funeral.  I know they're divorced, but she would still be grieving.  I don't know how you can handle it differently, but I'd say you should go about it more like he talks to her and says "I've got information" or something like that.  The flirting seems weird.

p.31 - The scene at the club is a perfect example of what I mean with no cops/law enforcement.  He shoots the bouncer right in front of everyone!  And then no cops come.   I just didn't find it believable.

p.54 - It's at this point, during Noah's speech about Adam, that I wonder why Adam means so much to Noah.  I don't know if you fleshed this out enough.  I know he gave him the hundred, and he talked to his wife, but it seems like he feels connected to him on some other level...I just don't know why.

p.63 - "He inconvenienced me.." - awkward line.  Change "inconvenienced"

p.64 - I like that you didn't show Jack harming Joey.  It created more suspense and impact for his deat.

p.77 - "You don't know what you're dealing with" should probably be "You don't know who you're dealing with."

p.95-96 - The supers at the end are way too long.
---
Like I said, I thought it was an interesting enough story.  And I couldn't help but think of Sam Jackson as Noah.  Probably because I was thinking about him as the homeless man in "The Caveman's Valentine".

So yeah, in the end, I think you need to work on bringing a bit more realism to your world; in dealing with the death, law enforcement, etc.  Possibly even add a cop character who's following this case, so we feel like there's some tension there.

Good work.

Thanks for taking out the time to read this Dressel. I see what you're saying about no existence of law enforcement, adding more realism. However, this was meant to be an example of escapism in a way. Wanted it to read like American Gangster (with real life gangsters in it) meets something like Desperado... wanted this to be an over the top, hyper stylized romp. Wanted it to have almost a graphic novel type feel to it, like a Spaghetti Western set in 1977 New York City.

Also, I am working on trimming the SUPERS at the end Thanks for the read!

Quoted from spesh2k Wanted it to read like American Gangster (with real life gangsters in it) meets something like Desperado... wanted this to be an over the top, hyper stylized romp. Wanted it to have almost a graphic novel type feel to it.

Ohhh, ok.  Looking at it that way, I can see where you're coming from.  I do think you might want to consider a cop/detective character, but that's just a suggestion.

It's a good thing you've framed it this way now for future readers.

Considering a cop/detective character is good suggestion that I will definitely keep in mind. Thanks again

Spesh2k

Page 30...

At the conclusion of your montage... you have

END MONTAGE

BACK TO SCENE

You don't need both. I'd delete one or the other.

Or you could delete both because you have a new Master Scene Heading following the montage.  I'm thinking it was just an oversight.

As far as the rest of your script, Dressel covered most of it.

I see where your coming from but still... seemed like their was more killing then anything else.

I liked most of the dialogue.

The funeral scene, I didn't buy it.  Maybe you might want to look at re-working it.

These type of scripts, I'm not a big fan,  but It was a quick read.  So I kept going.

Not bad at all.

Thanks for the feedback, already making changes from reviews I've received from this and other websites... a lot of what I thought needed changing is what readers have been suggesting, so that's a good sign. I don't think I'm too far off here...

And Ghostwriter, though you are not a big fan of scripts like this, you kept reading... that's an awesome compliment! It's encouraging to know I'm improving in my craft with each and every script.