Cherry In La La Land by Keith Odett (kogfilms) - Thriller, Horror - Everybody has a dream in Hollywood... but for these innocent and gorgeous, young starlets-in-waiting, can turn nightmare.  A new Voyeur-Thriller web series, SCARED CHERRY, is a Production front for the "sex trade".  And run by an "A-list" star.  But when this one bombshell Cherry Girl goes missing, her kick-A** FBI AGENT sister goes deep-cover beyond the bright lights to find her... Cherry In La La Land.    94 pages - pdf, format

Hey Keith, just read through the first ten to twelve pages of this. I think it has potential but it wasn't the easiest to get through. You have used different fonts and colours for the title and then again a few pages in, it really disrupts the flow of the story. I would just stick to the basic formatting and focus on the story.

There's also a lot of times where you use CAPS for no reason, and in dialogue you have quotes and italics and CAPS and it just felt too much. I don't think there's anything wrong with limited use of these for a specific reason but overuse is just annoying. Like your coloured title in the middle of the script, I found all these things annoying and it took me out of the story.

I'm not sure what you are going for here, it sort of has like a 'B grade' movie feel to it. The dialogue felt a bit forced and unnatural, particularly with Grace and her partner when we are first introduced to them. It also felt a little bit all over the place early on, like you are trying to cram too much in and the result is it's a little hard to follow.

With thrillers you often see them build up to something, there are troughs and peaks and it rises in suspense. It felt like yours was all on the one level and you are going for thrills all the way through and not taking the time to set things up and build the reader's anticipation.

Is this a spec script you have written? If you plan on directing it yourself I guess you can do whatever you want but if it's a spec then I think you need to get rid of all the bells and whistles and camera directions and focus more on the story and give the characters some more depth.

Cheers,
Tim.

Man you do take the record for differient types of fonts used in a single page On page one alone, there were 5 differient fonts. WOW. Also, Remember that scene of AUSTIN POWERS when was thawed out and was yelling for no reason. Remember that? In your script lines like "Kat comes RUNNING DOWN THE STREET" I felt like I was being yelled at.

Will try to get back to it later.

LED.....><

I'm curios to know why on your link --

http://www.kogfilms.com/

There's a poster beside the logline of this screenplay, with the screenplay title and it looks like a DVD cover -- but its pictures "taken" from the US poster of the horror movie "Wolf Creek"!?

A boy, another Keith Odett masterpiece... What'd you steal this time? Keith should be sued on principal alone. His website, much like most of his writing, is littered with un-professionalism and plagiarism.  

I'd like to know how he wins all these awards without getting sued through the nose. If I were a casual reader of the site I'd steer away from him, his poorly formatted screenplays with super stylish fonts and his website.

You will learn nothing from them... Not on how a screenplay should be written that is.