SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 10:15am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  Seattle: Seattle Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 2 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Seattle: Seattle  (currently 1778 views)
Don
Posted: July 25th, 2009, 1:52pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Seattle: Seattle by Quentin Bangston - Series - Jake Cooper's life has been torn apart after the death of his mother. His only chance at surviving is to find his father, a senator in Washington. 47 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
bangston_15
Posted: July 30th, 2009, 11:27pm Report to Moderator
New


Location
My Computer
Posts
36
Posts Per Day
0.01
This was written when I was 14 and then changed a little when I was a little older. The series is called Seattle, and the episode is called Seattle...the show isn't called Seattle: Seattle. This is my own fault, not Don's or bert's or who ever uploaded this. I just wanted to straighten that out! Also, when I purchased Movie Magic Screenwriter I transferred all my screenplays over from Word and some didn't transfer over right. I hope this doesn't bother anyone, so if it doesn't make sense, it's not supposed to be that way. When I get around to fixing it, I plan on resubmitting the script.

I hope you like it!

bangston_15


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 4
bert
Posted: August 22nd, 2009, 11:33am Report to Moderator
Administrator


Buy the ticket, take the ride

Location
That's me in the corner
Posts
4232
Posts Per Day
0.61
This is a tough one to critique.  I have to be honest -- I assume you would want that -- and let you know that there are a few reasons this does not quite work as a pilot episode.

You do have a full story that ends in the right place, and your writing is clear and visual enough to tell that story.  I will mention, however, that there are multiple areas where the dialogue appears as a descriptive passage.  I am surprised there are so many.  Look for those and fix them.

The problem lies in the fact that, as a pilot, you have only established three characters here -- and Melissa in only the most minimal way.  Also, a pilot needs to establish at least a few arcs that will carry us over a number of episodes before they are resolved.  This helps define what the series is about, and at the conclusion of this episode, I am still not sure what type of story this will be.

The only real ongoing storyline here is Jake and his father, and this does not occur until the final scene -- which is fine, I suppose, provided that there is sufficient build-up to that pivotal scene.  But you do not have that build-up.

What I am going to suggest here is a subtle restructuring of a few aspects of this story, and while it is just my opinion, I do think it will give you a few angles for conflict that this story is missing in its current form.  There are a few parts to this:

First, Jake knows who his father is.  And he hates him for abandoning him.  He has no interest in ever meeting this man.  This introduces a lot more conflict than Jake occasionally mentioning that he wonders who his father might be.

Second, we meet Marcus during THIS episode -- not the next one.  We should occasionally cut to Seattle and learn about the man and his life -- where Jake is apparently going.  And during these scenes, we come to learn why Marcus abandoned Jake -- and we either sympathize or we loath him for it.  That will depend upon your plans for this character -- but either way, we are again creating a character and a source of conflict.

Third, you should lose the character of Uncle Scott.  He is kind of a throwaway character anyway, with only one scene and four lines.  How this changes things is that now Jake MUST go to Seattle -- legally he must -- to find his father.  He MUST leave Melissa and Shaylee.  And Jake will not want to go.  Again, lots of conflict.

That way -- when Marcus answers the door -- it will actually mean something.  And that is what will bring your audience back for more.

I suppose what I am trying to do is give reasons for what happens to your characters and the way they react.  Right now, things are just kind of happening with no real context. Add this kind of texture and I think your story will benefit.

Hope this helps you out.  Let me know if you have specific questions that I failed to address.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 4
bangston_15
Posted: August 22nd, 2009, 3:24pm Report to Moderator
New


Location
My Computer
Posts
36
Posts Per Day
0.01
Thank you, bert, for be honest. It's helpful in a huge amount of ways. I never thought about having Marcus in this episode that much, but now that you've pointed it out, I have a way to put him in it. I will take your advice and rewrite this as soon as I can start another pilot that is proving very frustrating.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 4
bangston_15
Posted: August 24th, 2009, 6:49pm Report to Moderator
New


Location
My Computer
Posts
36
Posts Per Day
0.01
Hey just in case anybody was wondering, I've started the second episode and introduce a lot of new characters, hoping to introduce conflict. It should be done by the end of the week and posted soon!


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 4
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Series  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006