Dark and Light by Andrew Litchfield - Short - A young man contemplating suicide debates with a friend as to whether or not he should end his life. 15 pages - doc, format

Hey Andrew,
Just read your script, it's got a lot of potential, but also some issues.
First off there're several typos, I didn't keep a list, but a careful reading should clean it up, I know they're hard to find.
Second all the dialogue between Ronald and the guy is pretty repetitive and uninteresting.  The kid whines about love, Ronald says think about your family/friends, throwing in a few racial references.  Since this convo is the majority of the story it needs to be engaging and original.
I think most importantly your big reveal comes about halfway through the short.  That means the reader has that realization, then sits through another 5 pages of exposition.  I would say just about everything after the reveal can be cut out.  Nobody wants to here long metaphoric dialogue about love and light and darkness.
I would take your core idea and cut the story tightly around it.  And remember, with the philosophical stuff, show dont tell.
Hope some of this helped, good luck with it.

jackx, thank you very much for taking the time to read the script. I'll take any kind of criticism at this point! I feel like I really need to keep in those last pages of the short, just because it shows what really went on inside his head. Maybe I could rearrange the scenes, and just polish it up a bit more.

-A. Litch

Hey A.

A few comments to make for an easier read:

ACTION/DESCRIPTION
Avoid the use of the word “it” and “this” especially at the beginning of sentences.
Avoid the use of “is” and “are”.
Avoid the use of words ending in “ly”— words like “completely” since they seldom add to the action.

I have added an excerpt from your script to highlight these points:

SCRIPT
It’s a storm outside. Rain pours down from the sky like a constant barrage of bullets. It’s very dark out, and thunder rumbles up in the sky.

SUGGESTED REVISION
Rain pours down from the night sky like a constant barrage of bullets. Thunder rumbles.

Another excerpt from your script:

SCRIPT
Patrick walks towards a bridge that’s a good fifty feet up above a river below. The river’s current is extremely strong, it’s flooding. There are a lot of rocks below.

SUGGESTED REVISION
Patrick walks to bridge. Fifty feet to the river and rocks below.

DIALOG
Avoid the use of long blocks of dialog esp. at the end to avoid “the sermon”. Long blocks can be cut down considerably without diluting the message.

Your dialog goes all the way to the right margin. Don’t do this.

STORY
I did like your story though. Boy doesn’t tell girl, boy gets depressed and starts drinking with an imaginary friend, boy attempts suicide until he succeeds. After he’s dead, the friends find a diary which provides his dark view of life. The light was his friends trying to reach out to him. Some part of your person is in here.

Perhaps the story could be kicked up a bit with a direct conflict with Jodi. And a little more background on Ronald would be good too.

Hope this helps.

Gary

BTW, good luck in the THIEF exercise. I look forward to your episodes.

Thank you very much for the read, grademan!

I appreciate you going in depth and giving me a real honest opinion on it.

Do you have any scripts that I could possibly read in return? And I'm really looking forward to writing some episodes for the THIEF exercise. It's going to be quite interesting! : D

-A. Litch

Andrew, a read and review as promised.

Firstly a pdf is the preferred format round here I'd say.

Not a bad title. For some reason chocolate sprang to mind. Maybe that's just me, and maybe other choc fans out there. Not sure it's the best one for your script but it's not bad, so enough said.

The logline is pretty good in my humble. I did want to read the script after looking at it, so that worked well.

I know a little too much about suicidal friends, should be interesting, for both of us.

I looked through the other comments before posting. I have to say I agree with most of what Jackx and Grademan said. Obviously it's up to you, but bear in mind those suggestions if / when you rewrite. I'll try to avoid repeating their points.

Quoted from DAL On screen walks a man in a black sweatshirt

There's no need to say 'on screen'. He'd have to be really, or else we wouldn't see him.

Quoted from DAL and he grows a beard

The character description was going quite well until then. Technically all men grow beards all the time, at least until some of them shave. I'd say 'has a beard' would be better.

Sorry, if this is coming across as sarky.

You need to watch the line lengths of your dialogues. "She doesn’t even love me." - goes way over the right length for the page. I realise you're typing this on Word, can't be easy piddling about with those tabs and margins on that MS nightmare. I'd recommend getting some freebie script software or investing in some. However, Word's grammar check can be useful. There's a few things in here it would have picked up on for you.

You jump to a living room scene, which is all well and good. If you add 'later' to the slug it would make it clearer, I had assumed it was comtinuous and we were with other characters.

It reads fast enough. You could brush up some of the description. The vase smashing springs to mind.

Quoted from DAL He kicks over a vase and it shatters.

Even changing this to 'He kicks over a vase. It shatters.' peps it up a bit. 'It shatters into a thousand pieces' gives a better image. I think you know what I'm saying here.

Quoted from DAL His arms are outstretched, trying to grab the robe that’s not really there.

That was quite a good bit of imagery. I like that a lot.

I didn't like the report or the cop's statement though. They didn't really come across well. I don't think cops talk like that on TV. At this stage they'd say little or nothing about it and request information. I very much doubt even Fox or Sky News would declare this as a suicide so soon. It all comes across as exposition, and that's never good. I'd also say that none of the info given is necessary for your story.

As a suggestion I would think the TV might say a man's body had been found. The police might describe his approximate age and appearance. They'd probably request that witnesses come forward.

I'm nearly always against repeating a scene in a movie. To me it's the equivalent of hitting the reader with a piece of two by two and shouting "Do you get it? Well, do you?

As an example. Kung Fu Hustle is a fine movie that is only spoiled by the continual lengthy shots of a lollipop. A brief flash would have done but no, here's the lollipop again, and again. Here's a big lollipop. You got it yet? Well, do you? Er yes thanks Steven. Can you show us some more slick Kung Fu business now? Please. Er, sorry, rant over.

Oh, by the way, I know I'm not alone in this view.

The scene with his room afterwards didn't seem too real to me either. I may be way off the mark here as everyone's different but the last thing, in my mind, a mother would allow other people apart from police to do is to rummage around in his room. Most wouldn't like anyone anywhere near them so soon.

I'd have preferred it if the cops had read the journal, as that's the most likely to happen. If it has to be Jodi and Seth they could do it via emails or Book of Faces or something.

What I'm saying is I've no real problem with the end but they'd be better ways to do it in my humble. Overall not a bad little story by any means.

A.

I submitted a 15 pg. short drama "I Can Do This" yesterday so look for it on the board in the next week or so.

grademan

Hey, Andrew, I read your script, as promised.  I took page by page notes, which will follow in a separate post, as I’m going to be way over the max in terms of words/lines.

As I told you, I’m going to be blunt and honest here, and it’s all meant to help you as a writer.

Writing-wise, there are many, many issues.  I’d say your 4 biggest problems are…

1)  Passive verbiage
2)  Awkward phrasing
3)  Poorly written slugs
4)  Over descriptive (and repetitive) writing

I’ve gone over most of these in detail in my page by page notes, so hopefully it helps.  If you don’t understand something completely, let me know, and I’ll provide further explanation and assistance.

Let’s go over the story here…

Up until the actual suicide, I was not too impressed with anything, other than a few lines from Ronald, which I think you did a good job with.  Everything else came across as very dull, cliché, and just not that engaging.  It may have a lot to do with the awkward phrasing of many lines…not sure.

But, after your “reveal”, things got much better, and it left me with a rather positive mindset on the project as a whole.  I am still not sure exactly what everything really means here, as much of the “wrapup” is very ambiguous”, but maybe that was your intention.  Anyway, the fact that you chose to include this is impressive, IMO.  An interesting and rather unique “twist” so to speak.  It just changed things up nicely, and was a good way to end.

But, the way the last 5 pages are written, it takes a lot of insight to understand exactly what you were after.  It needs some serious attention to make it come across the way I think you want it to.  As it’s written, it doesn’t make a lot of sense, but I’m pretty sure I know what your intentions were.

Flashbacks and VO’s can be tricky, depending on the setup, the execution, and the way you go about it.  It’s really tough when you’re trying to tie in 2 different ideas, in 1 scene, involving different points in time.  Further muddying the waters is the fact that your final 1/3 of the script is doing this.  Is it too much?  I wouldn’t necessarily say that, but I know it can be done much more clearly.

Here are a few things to think about that may help…

When you’re flashing back to a scene that we’ve already seen (but showing us something that we didn’t see the first time), it’s absolutely crucial that we know we are in the same scene as earlier.  Using informative and consistent slugs will always help.  Also, using exact verbiage as before will alert us to what is happening.

Keep in mind that a screenplay is a blue print for a visual medium…meaning that something is always going to be showing onscreen.  If you’ve got someone speaking or reading for a lengthy amount of time, you need to remember that no one wants to just watch a face talking (talking head).  It is boring and very visually uninteresting, especially if nothing at all is going on around it..

So, with that in mind, let’s address some issues with the flashbacks and VO’s in detail from page 11 on.

Your first slug here – “LIVING ROOM”, gives us no clue where we really are. Is this supposed to be the same house that Patrick was in the night before?  Why is the TV on, if no one is there?  Based on the fact that the police report is playing on the screen, we have to assume it’s in present time, the next day.  Based on this, Patrick cannot be there at this time.

I have an idea that may work out. Instead of setting this scene back in this house (for no reason), why not switch to his Mom’s house, and have her watching it…and crying?  You with me so far?

Then, when you go to the next scene, it will truly be a flashback (label it as a flashback, though), and you can continue with your VO, as we’re seeing Patrick, on his own, doing what he did the night before.  This will explain a lot and be much easier to follow and understand.

Same deal with the following scene, in the bedroom.  You just have to write it exactly as you did before, showing him put the robe on again, etc., but by himself, without Ronald, who is obviously a figment of his imagination.

The next scene is fine as a flashback the way it is, but you’ll probably want to label it as such, so it’s clear.

Then, go back to his Mom’s house and her watching Seth on TV.

The final scene in the Flashback should be written just how it was originally, but without any of the Ronald stuff.  But another thought is that you don’t really need it, as we know exactly what happens before we see it…we already know he’s dead.

OK, now we’re at the final scene with Jodi, Seth, and the Mom.  Start the scene inside the house. Show them weeping, hugging each other, etc.

Next scene, inside Patrick’s bedroom.  The stuff about the “very good drawing” thing really sounds bad and it’s even confusing at first.  Rewrite really simple and short, and then get them into the journal.

OK, so now Jodi is reading out loud.  What is taking place onscreen while she reads?  Are you just showing Jodi and Seth’s face as they react to this?  If that’s what you’re intending, there’s nothing horribly wrong with that…yet…

So now Seth starts reading, and his part is about double the length of what Jodi just read.  What’s onscreen now?  I think you need something happening about here, and turn this into a VO of Seth reading.  Onscreen, maybe a Flashback of Patrick just going crazy, losing it, frustrated, something…his “dark side” maybe.

So then, you switch to Patrick doing a VO and you just have him sitting at his desk for 20 seconds or so.  I’d recommend showing Ronald.  Start in on the drawing of him and have it go into “reality” with Ronald and Patrick doing stuff.  I think it would be weird and interesting.  Another side…

So, then just go into your same last scene that you have, and I think it would all make sense, play well onscreen, and end up nicely, like you already did.

What’ya think?  Just some suggestions.  Hope they help.  Late.

Part 2 - Page by Page notes, as I read…

I have read that you are not using screenwriting software, so I will not comment about that other than right here.  Because the dialogue extends so far to the right, it gives everything a funny look.  It is definitely in your best interest to get your hands on some software…it looks so much better and makes everything so much easier.  You’ll love it!

I will be commenting on everything I see as a mistake, even if it’s been brought up before, so I apologize up front if anything here is repetitive.

Page 1 - Opening passage is not very well written.  The entire thing should be rephrased.

“On screen walks a man in a black sweatshirt, blue jeans, and a pair of Adidas. He looks back. His face is soaked with rain.” – Very poorly phrased.  Never use anything like “on screen”.  This first sentence just sounds terrible, the way it’s written.  Be careful about over describing things.  For instance, does it matter at all to the story that this man is wearing a black sweatshirt?  Blue jeans?  Adidas?  I doubt it.  What is he looking back at?  If he’s outside in a rainstorm, I would assume his face would be soaked “from rain”.

The man has cold blue eyes, pale skin, and wet black hair. This is PATRICK PARRISH (19).” – Again, just WAY too much description here that doesn’t matter at all.  You’ve already said he was soaked from the rain, so of course his hair will be wet.

Let’s discuss these 2 passages in further detail.  You’re introing a character here, and you’re telling us that he’s out on a street and it’s raining.  That’s all this opening scene does, so it should be really short and sweet, cause obviously, there’s not an awful lot going on yet.  You used a total of 9 lines to do this, and although we know exactly what he’s wearing, and what he looks like, we don’t know anything else at all.  When you intro a character, do it immediately…as in give us his name right off the bat, as apposed to using “man” “woman”, etc.  No reason for that…it only takes up extra space.

Your next slug is missing a time in it.  Always include this…if it is happening immediately after the last scene, just use “CONTINUOUS”, or “LATER”, etc.  If the time changes from night to day or back, use “NIGHT” or “DAY”.  But always use something so your readers know where we are.

This slug states that we’re now on a bridge, but the first action line says that Patrick walks toward a bridge.  Basically, this could be used under the last slug as a lead in that we’re approaching a bridge.

This first passage is all awkwardly phrased (I think someone else already commented on this).  It needs to be rewritten.

“He looks right up into the distance.” – I don’t quite understand this line.  Do you mean to have a comma after right, meaning that he looks to his right, into the distance?  Or does it mean he looks directly into the distance.  Funny, how something so small can make a complete difference in what the line means.  Either way, though, I’d call it a wasted line, as it doesn’t really do anything here.

OK, why use a POV here?  By just describing this scene, you’re “showing” us the same thing.  IMO, POV’s are only useful if the view you’re giving, is different from what we’d normally see (ground level, upside down, high level, blurred view, etc.).

Again, when you intro a character, do it immediately with his name.  The way you have it here, your character count will be distorted, because you now have speaking lines for both Ronald and Man, yet they’re the same person.

Your description is awkwardly phrased and includes too much info again.

Page 2 – You want to number your pages in the upper right corner.

I like how Ronald “saves” Patrick.  “Take my hand, brotha’.” -   This is a good line and comes off as very realistic.  Good job!

Next slug missing a time again.  Also, who’s living room is this?  I assume it’s Ronald’s.  If so, the slug should read something like this…

“RONALD’S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – MOMENTS LATER”

“Patrick sits in a chair shaking violently. His clothes are completely soaked. Ronald enters the room with a bottle of Jack Daniel’s.” – lots of issues here.  “shaking” is a passive verb, and you should try to stay away from these if you can.  We already know that Patrick’s clothes are wet, so no need to repeat it again.  “Daniel’s” should be “Daniels”.

“Patrick’s lip starts quivering.” – Try to avoid using words like “starts”, “begins”, etc.  They usually require a passive verb, like here.  How about “Patrick’s lip quivers.”

Page 3 – As far as I know, these characters don’t know each other, right? Have they introduced themselves to each other yet?  Here, Patrick uses Ronald’s name, as if he knows him.  I think you need to have them intro themselves earlier…that way, the audience would also know their names (in a filmed version).

“Ronald starts laughing hysterically. Patrick continues staring down at his shoes.” – Do you know what’s wrong with these 2 lines?  You used “starts” again, and also have 2 passive verbs here, “laughing” and “staring”.  Here’s a quick rewrite, “Ronald laughs hysterically, while Patrick just stares down at his shoes.”

“Patrick starts sobbing. Ronald takes another swig from the Jack Daniel’s.” – “starts” – get rid of it.  “sobbing” – “sobs”  “Daniel’s” – “Daniels”

Hmmm, maybe these 2 do know each other?  I don’t know now.  Patrick says that Ronald has seen her and knows who she is.  I’m a bit confused at this point, as it’s not clear what the relationship is between these 2.

Part 3 - Page by Page notes (cont)

Page 4 – Another slug missing a time.

Is Patrick in the bedroom or the bedroom closet?

“is rummaging” – “rummages”

“He pulls a robe out of it.” – He pulls a robe out.

“Ronald is now standing…” – “Ronald stands…”

I’m wondering again who owns this place?  Do they live here together?

“throwing a temper tantrum…” – “throws a temper tantrum…”

Page 6 – “It’s still storming out.” – “Rain continues to fall.”

Page 7 – “That’s why I cherish you as my friend, and don’t want to kill yourself.” – insert “you” between “want” and “to”.

Page 9 – “Sitting inside is a teenager with shaggy brown hair and a backwards cap. This is SETH (20).” – “SETH, 20, sits inside.”

How does Ronald afford all this expensive, name brand booze?  A 5th of Goose costs upwards of $25 retail.

Page 10 – “Seth starts rolling up his window while Ronald is speaking.” – You used “starts” again here as well as “speaking”.  Seriously try and avoid such things.

Ronald just wasted a fresh bottle of Goose!  That’s now 2 bottles in a few minutes he’s trashed.  I guess he’s rich or something…

“Patrick starts sobbing.” – You know the drill here…

“PATRICK’S POV:
Ronald falls towards the rocks screaming. His arms are outstretched, trying to grab the robe that’s not really there. His fall is broken…
There is a sickening crunch, and Ronald’s eyes roll into the back of his head. He lay there motionless.” – No reason again for a POV here.  What is this thing about a robe that isn’t really there?  I have no clue.  The bridge is 50 feet above the water, right?  How could Patrick see Ronald’s eyes rolling into the back of his head in the dark and rain?  “He lay there motionless” isn’t correctly worded.  “lay” is incorrect, but more importantly, it just isn’t worded well.

Page 10 – “There are police sirens.” – awkwardly phrased.

“It’s still storming outside.” – Rain continues to fall.”

“are blockading…” – “blockade”

“are standing” – “stand”

“One of them is a pretty blond girl, she’s tall, tan, has a beautiful body, and hazel eyes. This is JODI (19). She tries standing on her tip-toes.” – Try an rewrite this passage yourself.  You know what’s wrong with it, right?

Page 11 – no time ion your slug again.  When you don’t provide info in your slug, we have no clue where we are.  Is this living room a place we’ve been already?

“No one is in the room, but the TV is on a news channel. The ANCHORMAN has a very solemn look on his face.” – awkwardly phrased.  How about this…

“A TV is on a news channel in the empty room.

On TV screen:

The ANCHORMAN speaks with a solemn look on his face.”

Now we get an actual name of the bridge.  You should use this name in your slugs, actually, as it gives so much more info and comes off as so much more real.

How would a cop know that 2 bottles were missing?

“Patrick is trying to jerk open the cabinet door…” – you know exactly what the problem is here, right?

But, let’s stop for a second here, cause I’m really confused.  Is this scene supposed to be a flashback of some kind?  Patrick is dead, but this scene has him in the kitchen, while the news show is on, meaning, it makes no sense at all.

You’re intermingling flashbacks incorrectly here.  Maybe if you had a time in your slugs, you could pull it off, but the way it is, it’s very hard to follow.

I’ve lost track of what page I’m on…sorry.  Those long readings from the journal should probably be VO from Patrick, while something interesting plays over the screen. The way it is now, it’s just Seth reading it out loud…what is onscreen?  It’s too long to play out properly the way it is.

OK, you went with a VO near the end, but there’s still nothing playing onscreen while all this is being read out loud.  Know what I mean?

Last page is well done, but still is missing the onscreen visuals you need to make this as powerful s it should be.  I’ll try and address this better in my general comments section.

Thank you very much Dreamscale. That is one of the most impressive reviews I've ever seen. When I saw how detailed it was it really made me excited to go back and rewrite this. I know the story is capable of so much more, and I feel like I prematurely posted it. This was honestly the first draft. I didn't rewrite it or anything, I just posted it because I really wanted to get some of my work up here.

Now that I have all the flaws pointed out for me it will make it so much easier to just go back and fix it up.

Again, thank you!

: )

-A. Litch

P.S. your script is first on the list of reads I need to take care of!

Hey Andrew, do you like the ideas involving the last 5 pages?  Do you understand why it doesn't really make sense the way it's currently written?  Hope it helps.

I do think you have a good idea here and I bet you can clean it up so that it reads a bit better.

Good luck with it.

Yeah, I understand how it doesn't make sense really. It did while I was writing it, and I was really excited and just decided to post it without really reading over it well. I basically just looked for grammar errors, and that was it.

I'm definitely going to give this a rewrite based off all the things you pointed out.

And thanks to everyone who has read it so far. Tonight I'm catching up with reviews. I already have read rendevous' script 1000 days, just haven't put up a review. And I downloaded fade to white on my laptop.

So look for the reviews tonight!

Hey,

I was going to give this one a read, but there seems to be some issues. I click on the script and it goes to download, but when I try to open the file it doesn't work. Probably some issue with Words for Macs.

You can e-mail me the script if you want. Maybe that would work better.  

Andrew

I don’t want go into the technical side of things since the above posts have more than covered that aspect. Dreamscale as always is the man to go to for detail, insight, frankness and a thorough summation of your work.

In terms of the story though, I liked the concept of the alter-ego. Sure it has been done a thousand times before, I think after "Fight Club" it will probably never be the same again but you brought some freshness to it. At first I wondered how Patrick was so accommodating to Ronald, allowing Ronald to convince him to come down of the bridge so quickly and without much of a fight and then bringing him to (what I presumably thought was) his house, that’s until I caught on to the type of relationship between them.

I take it you were going for the big revelation that Ronald was a figment of Patrick’s imagination and not a real person? Personally I don't feel it worked as Ronald's introduction is too out of the blue, his actual appearance itself being quite strange and his actions, reactions and words rather crazy at times, because of that, you think twice and quite quickly it becomes obvious something is up.

I was thinking how a 19 year old would have a whole house to wreck without any parental intervention of otherwise but that was explained at the end, saying he had broken into it. But even so that came across a little rushed and thrown in there just to explain the preceding scenes in the house.

I did like the dialogue, most of it anyway, Ronald is a good character and certainly spices things up, being a counterpoint to the doomed and gloomed Patrick. The diary passages at the end hit the mark some of the time, there were some powerful, raw, honest emotions in there but dark, depressed trains of thought like that need to be used sparingly as people tend to get tired of them fast. Over doing such lovesick anxieties like that will subject you to self-indulgent, self pitying remarks, much like what Charlie Kaufman has had to face regarding his new film “Synecdoche, New York” I’m not saying it’s right of people to do that, I would be of the opposite mind frame, I applaud truthfulness and brutal honesty, it’s just not going to be to everyone’s taste of what makes good drama, characterisation and above all entertainment. People love escapism, just look at the box office lists week in week out.

Anyway, I think you have a good idea here, it’s got depth and meaning and comes across as maybe something semi-personal to a certain level. If not, then it’s credit to the candor of the dialogue throughout the piece coming from Patrick. Some interesting flashback shots too in the closing sequences when we find out what really went down on the night.

Unfortunately your execution does need to be worked on considerably (Dreamscale has helped you no end there) which prevents this from reaching its potential and delivering the desired punch I feel it has lurking within. Still, the story is most important thing as all the technical stuff can be thought and learned in time. The main thing is you've got a good imagination and the creative spark and emotion to put together a story like this.

Let me know if you revise this.

Col.