The Magnificent Mind of Nikola Tesla and the Doomsday Device by Jacob F. Keller - Adventure - Deputy Jonathan "Jack" Mason (30s), an agent with the United States Marshal Service, is dispatched to enlist the help of the world's greatest inventor NIKOLA TESLA (30s) in hopes of stopping a horrific new weapon and turning the tide of World War I. But before they have a chance to return to Washington D.C., both men find themselves victims of GRIGORI RUMINOV (30s), an equally brilliant but very troubled friend of Tesla's, when the lab of the great scientist is destroyed and his notebook stolen. Both men become suspected German saboteurs and are forced to try to stop Grigori themselves. 105 pages - pdf, format

Jacob,

With an ambitious title like that I had to give it a read. You could trim back that log line though. That's more of a synopsis.

Not sure it's wise to put your postal address on there. This is the internet after all. I think an email address would do.

It's pretty well written. The scene with the 3 black hand guys was hard to follow though. You described them as a group then broke off and started naming them, I'd have preffered to see them named at their intro with maybe a description for each.

You don't say where Sophie gets hit. I'd say we need to know.

Not saying you're wrong here but from what I remember the black hands made some desperate and dramatic attempts at suicide and escape that would be great on film. I was disappointed not to see some.

No mention of Pearl Harbour in the montage. Surely the reason why the US joined in.

I'm only saying what occured as I read, it's your story so maybe I'm off the mark.

I really don't like underlined action lines. They just put me off.

I may be wrong but I get the feeling Mason will be a major character here. He's been doing VO, yet you describe just his age and his clothes. I have absolutely no idea what this guy looks like, whether he's fat, thin, handome or ugly. Maybe you describe him later but I want to know what I'm supposed to visualise, otherwise I just imagine another faceless average male which I'm sure you'd rather not happen. I'm also beginning to lose interest in the whole thing now, and I'm only page four.

Now we meet Tesla. In my mind he looks like David Bowie in the Prestige. You didn't do anything to change my mind about this.

In a short script I don't mind so much but in a feature I need to know how the writer wants major characters to appear. A line or two would do. [End of rant.]

I like Tesla's dialogue, so well done on that.

I'll finish up later. TBC

Hey, read the beginning and so far its not a bad read.  Some notes as I went:

I do like the title, but think you need you adjust the format on the title  page so it doesn't just read like one overlong sentence.  Set it up so it suggests a short version.
I don't know how to say 'unification or death' in serbian but i have a feeling it'll be hard to fit in a small tattoo on the neck.  This being such a small thing that only the small serbian speaking audience would understand it doesnt seem worth including. (Apologies to any serbians on the site)
I'm not sure whats up with the format where you have a location in all caps, then the action line without a capital every other line.  You lapse into this fairly often.
Is this a steampunk version of history?  Or is it supposed to be believable that it happened?
How is Teslas building modest if it is described as  the 'golden building made of glass and light?
p7 you have intact as two seperate words.
Way too many unfilmables, Danny signalling his 'association with the evil deed to come.'  Including all the underlined things.  There's no reason to tell us that the tattoo is the mark of the black hand when we learn it in a little bit anyways.  keep us in suspense.  That way we're taking the same ride the audience will be.
Why was the trolley set to crash into a wall?
I read as far as p28, aside from the formatting strangeness it was pretty good.  
I do think the chase seen on the trolley was a little unbelievable, but i guess that depends if this is a steampunk type thing, or something like 'the prestige,' where its pretty straightforward historically, except for a few exceptions with specific technology.
The characters are pretty good so far, the ego of Tesla is entertaining.  Haven't noticed many typos either.
Please let us know how you were visualizing this.

I'll try to get back into it once I have some more time.  So far good job.

(And for TBC, Pearl Harbor started our involvement in WWII, not WWI)

Jacob,

I've read the rest of this as promised. If you'd care to leave a comment here I'll post my thoughts.

R

"And as much as everyone tries to
deny it, Tesla was THE architect of
the 20th century." Huh?

ARCHDUKE
(in Austrian; subtitled)
Wait, my lovely...

No such language as "Austrian" They speak German in Austria!

The Archduke was riding in a 1911 Graf und Stift "Rois De Blougne", not just a 1911 Graf und Stift.

Doing a super that says "New York City" when your slug lines clearly indicates that it's NY is more that a bit redundant.

"Everything has a Steampunk-esque feel to it." DITCH THAT! It smacks of pretentionsness! It's up to the director what the "feel" will be!