SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 9:20am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  I Can Do This Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 12 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    I Can Do This  (currently 2754 views)
Don
Posted: August 16th, 2009, 9:42am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
I Can Do This by Gary D. Rademan - Short, Drama -  Dennis is a frustrated novice screenwriter. Join Dennis and Mark, his cynical best friend, as he searches for answers at a local open mic night (15  pgs) - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
LC
Posted: August 17th, 2009, 8:55pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
7584
Posts Per Day
1.34
Gary, this one seems to have dropped to the bottom of the pile amidst the influx.

Anyway, overall I came away feeling: really nice read. Great setting, descriptions all on the money – I could picture the place, the characters, terrific observations especially referencing your own script ‘Deader’ but something’s missing for me. How ironic is that?

Don’t get me wrong, a lot of the content resonated with me and it’s funny – just not laugh out-loud funny – it’s subtle humour but considering the setting is similar to a ‘roast’ my advice would be that you need to ramp it up. When the audience are ‘chanting’ making noises I suggest you describe in more detail what the hecklers are yelling. Maybe some could throw things on stage – get my meaning? And the alliteration was a little mild imo.

Loved the ‘Ishtar’ line.

I just think you’re three-quarters of the way there with this, but ... ‘I know you can do it’.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 30
cloroxmartini
Posted: August 17th, 2009, 9:11pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
You know what a saguaro is?
Posts
803
Posts Per Day
0.14
Very good, this one is. Good, tight, writing. Solid characters with each having their own unique dialogue, spoken in this well painted set.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 30
grademan
Posted: August 18th, 2009, 10:59am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Wisconsin
Posts
872
Posts Per Day
0.16
LC,

Thanks for the read. Always good to get feedback. Oh and thanks for rescuing this from the bottom of the influx pile.

I know what you mean about kicking it up a notch. A rowdy crowed with hecklers? Hmmm. Another version someday?

As for the alliteration, I agree. Mild but it seemed to fit at the time.

Glad you liked the Ishtar line - it came to me (believe it or not) after playing Scrabble.

Gary

Revision History (1 edits)
grademan  -  August 18th, 2009, 11:12am
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 30
rendevous
Posted: August 18th, 2009, 11:44am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Away

Location
Over there.
Posts
2354
Posts Per Day
0.43
Gary,

I remember Deader fondly so I'm back for more.

High praises from Clorox & LC sealed the deal.

Great way to describe a beer gut. Succinct and visual. I'm gonna nick that one sometime.

Is that how you spell 'mars' in that sense? Doesn't look right. Mind you, I've been wrong before.

EDIT: I just looked it up in a proper dictionary as goolge and co let me down. I was... wrong. Bullocks. Big hairy ones.

I wasn't aware those type of nights existed.

Good description of the place with the bar top. I know exactly where I am now.


Quoted from ICDT
Clean glass please.


I've been here before. Laughed aloud at that one.

L&H? Good line.

Strange. I'd usually be suggesting to break up this dialogue with some action lines but there's no need here. It stands well as it is. It's both interesting and engaging.


Quoted from ICDT
...flashes a smile so wide it threatens to cut his thin face in half


Disturbingly good line. You are getting fairly adept at this lark aren't you Grady?


Quoted from ICDT
What are they saying? Sounds like “shitter” to me.
  

There's a few little things I'd write differently. But's it probably more a style thing and far from important.

To summarise this is great just as it is. It's a writer's script about writing for writers. They aren't usually my thing at all.
You'll know doubt get stacks of very deserved praise.
I'm unsure non-writers would find it as interesting as the folks here will. Either way, a pleasure to read as ever. I'll be watching. Keep it up.

EDIT: I read LCs comments and she makes a good point. But as ever, it's up to you.


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here

Revision History (1 edits)
rendevous  -  August 18th, 2009, 12:01pm
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 4 - 30
grademan
Posted: August 18th, 2009, 12:44pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Wisconsin
Posts
872
Posts Per Day
0.16
Cloroxmartini -

Thanks for the read! Your feedback nailed my target on this one. I was definitely trying to step up my visuals/dialogue on this one.

Thanks again.

Gary
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 30
grademan
Posted: August 18th, 2009, 1:14pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Wisconsin
Posts
872
Posts Per Day
0.16
Rendezvous,

Thanks man! Most of the phrases you noted were added toward the end of the one month writing process while I was letting the script marinade in my mind. I was concerned that the dialogue would be a little too 'talking heads' but it appears to be accepted as is.

As for LC's comment, I could step it up. That was suggested by a draft reviewer. That's why Mark almost got in a fight. Next time, I'll need to add a little more excitement... and  a little more detail on the heckling, etc.

The open mic night for screenwriters is something I made up for this story. I got the idea from those poetry/beatnik places where they snap their fingers for applause.

R, thanks for the detailed comments.

Gary
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 30
Colkurtz8
Posted: August 18th, 2009, 5:18pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Gary

To save me going over the same ground, Is this the draft I read from you before?

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 30
grademan
Posted: August 18th, 2009, 5:47pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Wisconsin
Posts
872
Posts Per Day
0.16
Col.

No, But it'll be famliar. It's the version after the one you reviewed.

The bartender isn't so friendly, Mark almost gets in a fight with Cliff, Mark desires Beth. Some tightening of action/dialogue.

Thanks for helping with the drafts!

Gary
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 30
Colkurtz8
Posted: August 18th, 2009, 5:55pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Gary

Cool, I'll take a look when I get the chance. I have a list of stuff I want to read, including a couple of features, I'll add this to it.

Nice one on knocking out a draft that you were happy enough with to post up here, progress is what its all about.

Later


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 30
stevie
Posted: August 18th, 2009, 6:54pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Down Under
Posts
3441
Posts Per Day
0.61
Hi Gary, how you been? I sort of stumbled on this and realised it was your newie.

I liked it. You set out to make an ironic statement on the perils of screenwriting and it came out well. I don't think it needed to be funnier or everything; that wasn't the idea.

Your formatting is on the mark and it had a good flow to it. Obviously its very different from Deader but that was a tough one to nail, IMHO. These are 2 good bookends for your 'resume'.

Well done, buddy.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 30
Andrew
Posted: August 18th, 2009, 7:16pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1791
Posts Per Day
0.32
Gary,

This was a nice, tight little short. You have a lovely pace to your writing, and it was 'page-turning', for me. Is it part of something larger? These characters just feel 'put together', and not something that was thrown together briefly.

Loved your own self-deprecating nods towards 'Deader'. There was a subtle, and engaging humour throughout the script.

As a standalone script, it did feel a little like you just ended it abruptly, and that's my only criticism really. Dennis gets his script read, but he doesn't really go anywhere from there in terms of resonance. I mean, I harp on about that stuff - only because it's what's important to me when I read or watch. I guess I just find it hard to get my head out of my arse at times!!

LC's comments re: upping the ante for the 'roast' is sound advice, I think. Cliff was pretty obnoxious, but if he became even more so, then it would ratchet up the laughter. Having said that, it's still a lovely little script as it stands.

The dialogue was amusing, and I love Beth's little dropped in comment about how quiet the place was.

Enjoyable script, mate.

Andrew


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 30
grademan
Posted: August 19th, 2009, 9:11am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Wisconsin
Posts
872
Posts Per Day
0.16
Thanks Stevie.

Yes, it is very different from Deader though it was inspired by the reaction to Deader and the Seven Deadly Sins series. Glad you liked it.

Gary
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 30
grademan
Posted: August 19th, 2009, 1:57pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Wisconsin
Posts
872
Posts Per Day
0.16
Andrew,

Thanks for the read and comments. Glad you liked it.

The story started out as a 5 page short and I expanded it to 15 pages by adding all the characters except for Mark and Dennis oh and Joe the bartender. I don't think I'll be doing a longer version of this as I feel I've said what I wanted to say in this story.

The up-the-stakes comment seems to be a common theme. It's like if five guys tell you you're sick, you'd better lie down. When writing this, I was thinking of adding a gang of neo-Nazi screenwriters and a bunch of Script Girl wannabes but thought that'd be a bit over the top for this piece. But Cliff being more obnoxious, that I could see.

As for the resonance/resolution/epilogue, I hadn't thought of that to be truthful. Acutally, wouldn't the insight that Dennis gets at the end qualify as a changed picture of what his life would be like? Regardless, I do agree it ended abruptly mostly because I wanted it to end on the "I can do this" line.

Also, glad you liked the "deader" comments. I was concerned they might come off as self-indulgent.

Thanks for the insights. Always appreciated.

Gary

Revision History (1 edits)
grademan  -  August 19th, 2009, 3:25pm
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 30
James McClung
Posted: August 20th, 2009, 6:30pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Washington, D.C.
Posts
3293
Posts Per Day
0.49
This was a very enjoyable read. It's always a good sign when you're able to poke fun at yourself. The first question that came to mind is do they really have open screenwriters night at clubs? Like anywhere? You seem to have the minutia of it all figured out. I'm just curious. I liked the relationship between Dennis and Mark. Two best friends who don't really like each other. I know there's real friendships out there that are just like this. Some of the dialogue was giving out a little too much information. References to the past and such. Some of it works. Other parts just come off as overly movie-ish. Look it over. I think you'll be able to figure out which parts. Overall, it's a pretty good read. You've got a lot going on in a very short amount of time and I think most folks here can relate to it in one way or another. Good job!


Logged
Private Message Reply: 14 - 30
 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006