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Cup of Joe by Joseph Milillo - Comedy - "Cup of Joe," the story of Ben Foster, a young investment broker and Joe Fredericks, the ghost of his friend who haunts the office coffee pot. With Joe’s help, Ben learns to grow, pursuing success in his work and personal relationships that he never had before. Along the way, Ben’s obstacles include: developing a romantic relationship with Carli, the co-worker for whom he pines, avoiding trouble from Lyndon Fogle, his tool-ish supervisor, improving his reputation with his peers, including co-workers Tamara Matthews, Rod Franco, and Bianca Gettis, and impressing Mr. Schwapp, the founder and CEO of Schwapp Investments. 32 pages - pdf, format
Fairly funny, kind of falls flat with the story/believability. choking poster? you mean one that shows how to do the heimlich? might be a little clearer Quickly is mispelled. Shouldn't have camera/we see directions, which you've managed to combine in the second paragraph not sure the coffee pot coughing will work, wont it seem likes its just an OS person in the break room? formats way off, looks like you centered the characters and the dialogues off. also the actions in all caps. You should get rid of the acts/intro bit imo. Doesnt really seem used anymore, especially not in something this short.
I think you need to start (or at least flash back to) with joe and ben being alive together, doing goofy things. This could lead up to his death. Also I would change his death so it involves the coffee pot, or at least the break room so theres some kind of reason his spirit manifests there. Just because its a story about ghosts doesnt mean you dont need some form of logic and order for the events to be believable. Maybe have them creating an elaborate prank in the break room when Joe dies just as it happens. Then cut to after the funeral. Also I would work on some of the descriptions, they might read better once theyre formatted properly. You could do a better job showing who each of the characters are, I definately got a little lost with who was who and what they all looked like.
The dialogue was good though, and there were definately some funny moments. Good luck with it.
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