Never Leave by James Clements - Thriller - Twenty-five years after the myterious overdose of a famous musician Gemini hughes, Vic Samuels and his band, Broken Innocence, begin to cover the hit, "Never Leave." While performing the cover, Vic begins to experience debilitating dark visions. Visions that lead him to a music mogel with something to hide and the broken daughter of a dead rocker. These unlikely hereos, Vic and Kitty Hughes, find themselves caught between the real dangers of a powerful mogel and the surreal of the supernatural song. A song that desires justice from the grave.  105 pages - pdf, format

-Have you posted here before? I just want to know before I post a reply on your script.

Shawn.....><

I can tell you right now that back in good old '83 they were NOT calling women Ms. anything.

My response here will not sound fair, but I'm just pointing out some glaring errors that I think will inhibit your reads.

First off I'll say:

I'm not doing any serious reads until I get back after the weekend; so take this lightly.

I just skimmed over your logline.

It's really clunky. Don't include names. They only serve to clunkify things more.

This here in the beginning:

A couple, standing in the rain, argue in the driveway of a
large home. GEMINI HUGHES (35), is tall, handsome and
clearly intoxicated. He has long hair and is unshaven. LILLY
COLLIER (23), attractive and pregnant, is trying to stop
Gemini from leaving. Gemini breaks his arm free from her and
jumps in the driver’s side of a red Jaguar. Lilly walks to
the passenger side and opens the door. She stands her ground
still pleading with him.

The image, is excellent, but the writing is really bulky.

Lose the present participles. Think economy.

Try something like:

LILLY COLLIER, a pretty and pregnant 23 year old attempts to stop her boyfriend from leaving the party.

Outside the red money glazed red Jaguar, they fight-- GEMINI HUGHES, (the boyfriend that has us wondering why) getting the upper hand. He SLIDES willfully into the vehicle and TEARS away full speed.

She stands her ground, still pleading, as he motors away, her ground, fading away.

**

Now my interpretation might completely suck according to your storyline here and it might flop in other respects as well, but I'm trying to show something by example. Like by showing her pleading, while he motors away...

It's an image that just burns into our mind's eye.

Try not to just give descriptions of characters, but integrate 'meaning' into their descriptions. That's the difference. That's what will burn interest into people's minds.

I hope this helps a bit.

Sandra