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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    August 2009 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - I've Got To Go - * Moderators: Administrator
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Don
Posted: August 29th, 2009, 9:00pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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I've Got To Go by Elisabeth Dubois (elis) (Fred the Moderately Successful)  Short, Romantic Dramedy w/ music - Charlie’s good looks and selfish pretentious attitude allows him to have any woman he wants; until, Karma takes hold. - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

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Don  -  September 7th, 2009, 2:42pm
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Ledbetter
Posted: August 29th, 2009, 9:38pm Report to Moderator
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Clean writing, great fucking mean humor. It reminds me of "As good as it gets" meets "A fish called wanda"

Very funny, and clever.

Can BALTIS come out and play?

Shawn.....><
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Jonathan Terry
Posted: August 29th, 2009, 10:03pm Report to Moderator
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Loved this short!  So clever and funny.  It had me laughing out loud several times during its duration.

SPOILERS...

When Charlie came in stuttering.....  Is it bad that I find stuttering people mindlessly hilarious?

Anyhoo, I'd give it a 4/5.


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Coding Herman
Posted: August 29th, 2009, 10:15pm Report to Moderator
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This one isn't bad. It's an easy read.

Story
This is about a guy losing a girl, but I think this is just the intro of the story. It will be more fulfilling and interesting to see Charlie undergoing a change and get back Louise. I know, you can't do it because of the 12-page limit. One more thing, about the song, I want to see it incorporated into the story more.

Characters
All of the characters are distinguishable from each other. You really made people to hate Charlie and root for Frank and Louise to be together. I think you did a good job with the characters.

Dialogue
They are generally okay. Some dialogues feel forced because you want to make them humorous. The one that sticks out the most is Dennis's exposition about how Charlie got this swollen lip. Dennis is telling Charlie what happened, but isn't Charlie the one who knows it first?

Writing
Just some typos. Nothing major. It was an easy read for me.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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mcornetto
Posted: August 29th, 2009, 10:33pm Report to Moderator
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I thought it was funny.  I wasn't in hysterics but I was amused throughout.

The romance was there but it so was lightly in there that it didn't make me feel...

I did think there was one too many characters for this and I would try to get rid of Dennis.

The lyrics were funny.  I think they were the biggest laugh for me.  However, they were kind of tacked on to the script rather than part of it.

It was nicely written and well done but I think it could still use some work.

You get



And one more thing.  If a character is stuttering, it's better not to write all the stuttering in.  You should just put a wrylie that says stutters.   That's said it's very easy to slip into writing out the stuttering and it does bring the point home and I've done it that way myself on occasion.  

EDIT:  I just noticed that someone compared this to A Fish Called Wanda and I think that would explain why I didn't really find this as funny as other's did.  I was never really a big fan of A Fish Called Wanda.  Didn't find it that funny.

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Don  -  August 30th, 2009, 1:37am
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slap shot
Posted: August 29th, 2009, 11:17pm Report to Moderator
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one nitpick you're is the contraction of you are...i think you want to use "your" on pg. 10??? "you're stutter is gone"...maybe your stutter is gone (i do it too, just to point out)...most of the writing is well done...sometimes it comes off a little wordy...such as...pg. 3 "pervertedly stares" could be cleaner if you use "leers"...but a good read...like the "nitwit" title...thanks...
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Tony Gangemi
Posted: August 29th, 2009, 11:19pm Report to Moderator
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Great visual writing, could easily picture it playing out.  Nicely done.  Charlie's a real gem of a guy.  Another golf club to the face might do him some good.   You've got comedy and you've got romance -- hard not to like Frank.  One thought, and this is more a timing thing, would be to pull back on the lack of stutter on Frank's part when in Louise's presence -- to instead go w/just visual signs of his affection for her at the outset.  Then once the curse rains down on Charlie's head, lay down your trump card: the roses AND the lack of stutter.  Overwhelming Louise.  Nice job.


Drama is character in action. - Linda Cowgill  

Website:

http://www.freewebs.com/aimeeandtony/



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khamanna
Posted: August 29th, 2009, 11:20pm Report to Moderator
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I loved the funny lyrics! And the twist at the end.

I know you introduced Frank at the very beginning however there's not much interaction with him and he's kind of a secondary character. I'd want to see more of him with Louise - I thought there was no sufficient build up to their romance at the end.

Entertaining story nonetheless. I had fun reading it!
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rendevous
Posted: August 30th, 2009, 12:22am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from IGTG
NITWIT HOSPITAL


You got me straight away. Ridiculously good slug straight off the bat. All the characters seemed fully formed. This isn't my usual 'cup of tea' if you follow but it did what it says on the tin. Probably better than most too. Writer obviously know what's they're doing. I imagine they had fun doin' it too. And there's nothin' wrong with that. Good bit of work. All things considered. When the idea was only foisted upon them mere hours ago these folks thought then wrote these scripts. Not bad either by any means. This one is one of the better ones IMH.


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

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Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 30th, 2009, 2:21am Report to Moderator
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Well...I guess it's a romantic comedy in some ways, but the humor for most of the script is very mean spirited, which takes away from it being funny, IMO.

Tons and tons of grammatical mistakes in here, which really take away from the read...spelling, punctuation, you name it.

I think it's a mistake in terms of what you chose to show and what you chose not to show.  An awful lot of settings and characters for 12 pages.

Biggest issue is that you did not incorporate the music into the script at all.  Complete afterthought, even though you did attempt to write lyrics that made sense for the script.

On a positive note, I am happy that Frank won out in the end, and that asshole Charlie got what he deserved.

Sorry, but this did not work for me at all, considering all the above.  Kudos for completing a script in 1 week though, which met half the challenge at least.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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LC
Posted: August 30th, 2009, 2:31am Report to Moderator
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Mmm, can't quite put my finger on it. It's just not 'my cup of tea' I suppose. It didn't really engage me or touch me according to what I enjoy in a Rom-Com I suppose. The lyrics were funny - cause they're unexpected - I was wondering what you were going to come up with there! Still good though, and I'll echo Jeff's sentiments - well done for getting it done!!


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stevie
Posted: August 30th, 2009, 3:20am Report to Moderator
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Have to agree with Jeff on this one - I actually didn't find it that funny. And it seemed to jump all over the place.
On the plus side, it was well formatted and the writing was pretty good.
But i couldn't get into it. Good effort at the tough challenge though...


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Tommyp
Posted: August 30th, 2009, 5:05am Report to Moderator
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I think the problem with this script is that there was too much going on.

Too many settings and the characters were too much for such a short script.

It seems like something is funny going on with your margins, at the top and the bottom of the page. Changed them to squeeze it all into 12 pages?

The lyrics did seem like an after thought, and I don't know if and what they added to the story.

Overall you have obviously spent a lot of time on this, but I don't think you have really pulled it off. I suggest you take out the song and extend this to 15 pages or so, and it would be good (after the challenge obviously!)


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jwent6688
Posted: August 30th, 2009, 7:39am Report to Moderator
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Ha! I've had my first post plucked out by a moderator... At least to my knowledge. But i was in no shape to begin reading theses last night and giving constructive critiscism. Though some would argue, even in the am i cannot accomplish that.

now that i've read it, i'm sticking to my guns... i think this is Tommyp.

"Pansy fucken sport."- referring to golf.

Spoken like a true Aussie. Not to mention, it's definitely not a yank using meters for measuring.

Being an avid fan of the pansy fucken sport, i don't get how luoise would bust Charlie's teeth showing him how to putt. Maybe if he was continually wiffing at a ball on the tee and then she gives him some pointers. I think that've worked better.

CHARLIE
Sure! By the way...
(he rubs his groin.)
That was a great blow job babe.
Sorry I couldn’t do anything...
(points to his mouth)
You know... a bit sore.

Almost pissed myself a little...

"It’s 23:15."

Again, definitely not a yank.

Well, I can tell you this script completely outshines mine. This was very funny... Amazingly put together in a week, or last 6 hrs? Who knows.

I think you've encompassed everything that was asked here, comedy, romance, a little drama.

I didn't get the theme to the song, though i did like the lyrics.

"I want you so, but i've got to go"?? I'm guessing this is Charlie singing this??? i don't see why he has to go....

Overall, great work in the timeline alotted, you may actually be able to turn this into something really great....

James


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Trojan
Posted: August 30th, 2009, 7:39am Report to Moderator
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I had mixed feelings about this one. To start with, I don't think that the logline really captures the essence of the story. It says that Charlie is able to have any woman he wants, but this conclusion is not shown in the script. We only see him with Louise so my expectations based on the logline were not met by what was in the script.

I found the story itself interesting enough. The characters were quite distinct and there was a nice contrast between Frank and Charlie.

There were a few mistakes and typos throughout as well. On page 2, you have 'Thomas lifts the tray and begins to walk out'. Is it supposed to be Frank instead of Thomas?

On page 4, you have 'metres' and 'meters' both used. My guess is that you are American and the British spelling slipped in by mistake.

On page 5, we learn what happened to Charlie's lip through dialogue. It would have been a lot more effective if we had have seen him get hit in the face with the club. It would have been funny or at least provided a memorable scene. By using exposition it's probably the least interesting way to reveal what happened.

On page 11, having 'Charlie... stares to Dennis and Frank sequentially' sounds really awkward. Why not just have 'Charlie stares at Dennis and Frank?

Story wise, one of the main problems I had was why Dennis decided to start helping Frank. It seemed like Charlie and Dennis were friends, so why would he want to betray his friend? If Dennis was a good guy and disapproved of the way Charlie treated Lousie then I could buy it. But Charlie says to Dennis on page 4, 'And since when did you start caring? You treat women worse than I do.' So that line is pretty much setting Dennis up as an asshole, yet he later on wants to help Frank. It didn't make sense to me, his character is not consistent.

But overall it's not a bad effort. I'm sure if you had more than a week for this then you would have been able to iron a few of the kinks out.

Cheers,
Tim.
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