The Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name by R. McManus (rendevous) (Some Random Individual)  Short, Romantic Dramedy w/ music - Oscar Wilde knew what he was talking about. 10 pages - pdf, format

Well that was cute. I got a few chuckles out of it.  

You definitely had lyric -  though they were "gay".

I thought you captured the guy banter really well.  

There was a lot of British-ism to this script, you caught it well, I got everything though I worry it will confuse some people.

The real issue I had with this script was the Romance part.  I'm not sure what you did with it really qualifies as romance.  If it does, it's walking a thin line.

You get
  

GREAT...GREAT...GREAT start to the rally.

I dare guess this to be written by ALFFY.

But whoever it is, very well written and in a week to. GOOD JOB. I enjoyed it very much.

The ending, with the moment of, "if you dont tell, I wont" after all that banter back and forth was in perfect timing.

Shawn....><

This was different.
I couldn't get into the swing of the gay picking. I thought it was over the top, but that's just my opinion.

I would have had a more subtle approach and something a bit more romantic.
I found the romance side to be almost non existent.

I did get a few little giggles, but I must admit my eyes and ears were wide open when you began to pick on my favorite group " Queen", lol

The story itself is well written and the lyrics were unusual but suited your story.
So, well done.

The dialog was great here.  Very funny.  The romance though...I didn't get it. Even the kiss wasn't "romance".  Maybe if Jack "fancied" a bird in his class.  (that's my NJ attempt at Brit slang)...that may have been romance even if it ended with the two guys kissing.  

Anyway, great job on the dialog.  That's something I struggle with and you made it look easy.

OK, I THINK I know who wrote this, but someone else could have had a brilliant attack from drinking something and smoking something that rhymes with "What if God Was One of Us".  

This script is of superior quality and I completely enjoyed reading it. I honestly really loved this one. It was the first one I've read from the challenge. I've been out all day shopping for an SUV for my son since he's at a military base in Comox and wanted us to go shopping for him. Anyways, after a  long drive home from Edmonton, (damn I was there last week too wasn't I?) ... so it was really nice to come home and be able to read something BLOODY WELL GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Critical aspects? Was there a lot of romance? Na. But I don't care. Lyrics? I think they were solid. I could find a way to make them work anyways, I know that.

Being burnt out and reading something that had me engaged-- well, just let me give you a standing ovation. AND, I REALLY, just did! Because I'm crazy like that.  

Love this one! Amazing job! I don't think anyone's gonna beat this one. Even without the romance.

A couple more things:

The aside:

The sight of a sparrow still irks him.

I love asides. Some people say, if you can't film it don't write it, and I agree, but only to a point.

My point of view is that injecting something innate for the actors to use is a positive thing. It also might lead to help in the rewrites when you can go back and write in an initiating incident that spurs us to a hook such as in this case:

Show Joe shooting at a poor innocent sparrow. "Like why'dya do that?" Is what a character or the audience might ask.

I think that when we're working at the highest levels in a Hollywood scenario you get that-- a lot of brainstorming and writing in the asides- even if they aren't used in the end, is a good thing.

Just wanted to add that; so we can all benefit from this.

Again, an amazing job!

Sandra

Joe and Jack are def. a couple of characters.  Their banter was enjoyable, and felt real to me -- they've known each other quite a while.  Much focus was placed on the gayness of the song, etc.  If it was tempered somewhat, it could have opened other possibilities in terms of character arcs and possibly add more romance.  But overall I enjoyed it -- the dialog pops, it's a fast read, and the comedy is there.

A sight of dialogue concerned me at first and then it got so irresistibly funny that I got sucked in and got prepared to enjoy the script. Needles to say I did! I liked every bit of it.

Thanks for describing your main characters - it helps the read.

If I have to pick on something it would be novel like description at the beginning p2 "At school they called him.... " - there's no way for us to know that and that "The sight of a sparrow still irks him".

"Beer Garden" is a great scene heading, just wanted to touch on that, will remember this one.

Liked, liked, liked yours!

Quoted from khamanna If I have to pick on something it would be novel like description at the beginning p2 "At school they called him.... " - there's no way for us to know that and that "The sight of a sparrow still irks him".

Hello khamanna (wow, cool name!) ... lost my thought train 'cause it's such a cool name!  

Ok, back on track:

See my post regarding this because there's a balancing act that we need to work on and I tried to address it in a post above regarding the choice here.

Sandra

Ok, here's my first guess - this one must be yours, Sandra!

If I had to rate it I'd put excellent for it (even if it's not yours).

Thanks for the name. I'd name one of my character "khamanna" if I didn't have to worry about anonymity.

most of the writing was okay, but the dialog was so over the top and cliche that it telegraphed the ending...like the "campy" nature of it, just wish it would have been a little more subtle...like the structure...i.e...not a whole lot of wrylies...makes for a better read...wish i could do that...p.s. you might want to format the lyrics a little better...remember, in a screenplay the character that is speaking the lines must have his/her name centered and above the lines delivered...guess i'm out to lunch on this one...

Quoted from khamanna Ok, here's my first guess - this one must be yours, Sandra! If I had to rate it I'd put excellent for it (even if it's not yours). Thanks for the name. I'd name one of my character "khamanna" if I didn't have to worry about anonymity.

I wish it was mine. It is excellent! And like I said, I really did give a standing ovation and my daughter asked, "What Mom?" And I answered: "It's gotta be real!"

This one is really good. I'm anxious to find out if my suspicions on the author are correct....

And if they are. OOOOHHHHH boy! It's gonna be fun! Even if not, it will still be fun!!!!

Sandra

You definitely know your two main characters and they both have without a doubt defining dialogue. But, sometimes it came off as campy and overwritten. And while I hate to be a voice dissimilar from the others, I honestly thought this was just okay. Don’t think I’ll remember come time I read more scripts.

All in all I still say good job!

You know after thinking about this for a little while I think I know what you need to do to make this work for Romance.  You need to have them nearly kiss earlier on.  That would create the right tension for them during the entire script.   When they finally decide to go all the way at the end then it gives their kiss some meaning.

Quoted from mcornetto You know after thinking about this for a little while I think I know what you need to do to make this work for Romance.  You need to have them nearly kiss earlier on.  That would create the right tension for them during the entire script.   When they finally decide to go all the way at the end then it gives their kiss some meaning.

You completely nailed it here, Michael.

We gotta have our computer-brain-guy working for us. Seriously, I think  you're right.

The foreshadowing deal is something that I think I miss a lot too and I screw up because of it.

Sandra