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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    August 2009 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Swan Song - * Moderators: Administrator
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  Author    OWC - Swan Song - *  (currently 3632 views)
Don
Posted: August 31st, 2009, 11:22am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Swan Song by Linder (lalaindahouse) (Burning Down)  Short, Romantic Dramedy w/ music - A beaten-down musician makes his last appearance on a stage, while getting some closure from an ex. - pdf, format


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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  September 7th, 2009, 2:46pm
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khamanna
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It flows well. Very straightforward and romantic.

You describing your main character as a "typical pretty blonde" - why typical?
I don't understand "personification of night and day"

I wish you stated that your characters speak with an accent or something - first of, I think they do (intentional?), and then you would own them more if they were unique.

I felt there's little action, a bit dialogue driven piece for me.

"hoping to rectify the fact that she didn't wish him a Happy Birthday on his actual date" (bottom of p3) -it's an easy way out to let us know of your characters thoughts like that.

But I do like that you stuck with two characters and made it very very Romantic. All in all, it's a good job for me.
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James McClung
Posted: August 31st, 2009, 12:07pm Report to Moderator
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I always like to mention how a script fits into the OWC challenge criteria however I'll rarely dock points if the script doesn't. This is a different case. The comedy's missing, that's for sure, and it's a detriment to the script. This is downright depressing. Mark going on stage with a handful of emo kids was mildly funny but it wasn't emphasized that way at all. Other than that, it's just a guy looking back on his mistakes with regret. Not too peachy. I was disappointed that the script was lacking the other side of the dramedy coin.

As it's own script, it's pretty well put together. Some of the dialogue is a little on-the-nose but on the other hand, these two haven't seen each other for a while. It sorta makes sense that they would talk this way. There's also some visual cues that segway into different topics of conversation so it's not just one long dialouge. You paint a pretty good picture of these guys in the short time you have.

Good script. Needs comedy.


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slap shot
Posted: August 31st, 2009, 12:49pm Report to Moderator
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"hoping to rectify the fact that she didn't wish him a Happy Birthday on his actual date." that sort of subtext should be delivered via dialog...you know the cardinal rule of screenwriting...write only what we see/hear...same for "afraid to be overly ostentatious." the dialog was the strongest element of the story...for me, i would have like to see the subtext delivered in the banter between mark and jen...the rest could be done through the subtle movements that occur during an uncomfortable conversation...
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bobtheballa
Posted: August 31st, 2009, 3:47pm Report to Moderator
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A few have brought up the 'birthday' example already but there are a few other instances where you tell rather than show... ("He takes another swig, but a more substantial one, like he’s filling the void with his beer-drinking prowess" ... "Mark flops his head sideways as he recounts the empty promises he made to himself" ... "Mark takes a deep sigh, wondering where the time had been spent.") Sure they read well, but if this were to be filmed then none of these things would completely come through. Try re-writing the dialogue so that it's less on-the-nose ("A fucking monkey can do my job as a bank teller" ... ignoring the fact that his profession as a bank teller is completely irrelevant in this story, it rings completely unrealistic and is another example of, like in your descriptions, how you tell rather than show) and make the subtext come through a little more. You seem to have a good idea of who your characters are, so take the next step and give them some genuine voices rather than using them as cliché mouthpieces.

One other thing was that the story ended pretty abruptly. Does Jen break off her engagement (after all, she’s transfixed when she hears him sing and nearly cries just talking about their relationship… clearly there’s still something there) and is Mark really done playing the guitar or is this performance what re-ignites his passion for music, or a song that with encouragement from Jen, he records and uses it to break onto the music scene? You had two more pages to work with and I think you could’ve given us a more concrete conclusion.

As for the challenge itself, the song worked fine but the short was more drama than dramedy. Not bad but it could use some work, and the habits with the descriptions and dialogue could carry over to your other works if you’re not careful.
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JonnyBoy
Posted: August 31st, 2009, 4:07pm Report to Moderator
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Meeting the competition criteria: I've read a script that's too light on the drama, and now I've read one that was completely devoid of comedy. It's a tough balancing act, but this one misses the rope altogether. There were a couple of 'almost-jokes' (e.g. the 'groupie' line), but the general tone was so downbeat that they were virtually lost. The song was in there fine, and I actually liked how you seemed to link the 'fade out' at the end of the music to the end of the script, but I feel this was off, tonally
Characters: actually two pretty strong characters. You could imagine these two having a past, and I did feel a ring of authenticity about both of them. However, this is at least in part because of the way this script is written, so I can't mark you too highly for SHOWING us what these people are like
Dialogue: clunky at times. Some phrases were repeated too often; the continued use of 'career path' jarred, as did when Mark got onstage and used 'song' twice in the space of a couple of seconds. Also, the moment when Jen said 'quite alright' stuck out; didn't fit with the rest of their speech. There wasn't much subtext or subletly here, just back-story told through speech
Story: I quite liked the set-up, actually. It was a thoroughly humourless affair, but I actually thought the situation was good. I think you could have shaved off some of their back-and-forth and found room for something more at the end, since it's a bit too open-ended
Writing/format: passive verbage - which is all your opening paragraph is - isn't a great way to start. Overall, I don't think this is very well-written, I'm afraid. You explain what's going on inside the characters' heads too much; screenplays are a visual medium, you can't just TELL us what we can't know. The formatting was fine, but your writing made this a tougher read


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JonnyBoy  -  September 2nd, 2009, 4:58am
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grademan
Posted: August 31st, 2009, 5:20pm Report to Moderator
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SWAN SONG

Pros – Good story. I could feel Mark’s bittersweet view. I liked the description of the beer bottle Mark was fidgeting with.

Cons – Description of things the camera can’t see mucked up the read. He thought… She thought type of stuff. The last line is a prime example. “She is transfixed.” How does the audience see this?

Comedy – More of a drama.

Romance – Jen and Mark were connected in the past but not sure they clicked in the bar. At nine pages, there was room to build on this.

Lyrics – Integrated as the last song in the musician’s career.  Resonates with Jen. Neat idea.

Writer – Good story. Watch out for internal thoughts and feelings. If we can’t see it, it doesn’t exist.

Criteria – This was Mark’s bittersweet drama with romance as an element. Not much for comedy.

Gary
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stevie
Posted: August 31st, 2009, 8:26pm Report to Moderator
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This was fitting all the criteria and was building up to a really good ending. But it withered and there was no real payoff.
I was half expecting Mark to kill himself on stage, I dunno.

I think the writer got near the finish and hurreidly cobbled an end to it.

Didn't have a prob with the wrting and format. Mark's weary view of his life and regrets was done well.

A rewrite would lift this to greater heights.



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Coding Herman
Posted: August 31st, 2009, 9:55pm Report to Moderator
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Hi, this piece is quite romantic, BUT nothing much happens except for the two characters recounting their pasts through dialogue. There is drama but not a slight hint of comedy. But you got the song sneak in at the end, so that's fine.

If I could change this, I'd include a flashback so that we can SEE what happened with Mark and Jen.

Overall, good effort, but I just couldn't enjoy it as much as the others. Sorry.


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Trojan
Posted: September 1st, 2009, 3:57am Report to Moderator
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Yeah I have to pretty much echo what has already been said. For me, this feels like it has been over-written. On your first page you have too many descriptions of things we can't see and it just slows down the story. Example "They exchange a hug. While both are receptive, there is a bit of alienation that resonates from each other." It's pretty clunky and doesn't say too much. You could just write "They exchange a tentative hug" and it achieves the same effect and speeds up the story.

Too many other things are described in detail that are irrelevant. Does it really matter if we know what they are doing with their hands while they talk? Or that someone's palms are hanging over the side of the table? If it was mentioned once and for a good reason then fair enough but it seemed like every bit of dialogue was followed with pointless description. Or that after something was said there was a line of action explaining the subtext of what was just said. It got pretty annoying to be honest.

The dialogue was a mixed bag. Some parts were good, some weren't. This one irked me for some reason. When he asked if she'd like a drink, she replies "No, it's quite alright. I'll order something later." I think including the word 'quite' made it feel very formal and unrealistic. I don't know any girl myself who would ever say 'it's quite alright' to refuse a drink. More like 'no I'm fine, I'll get one later'. That might just be me though, other people might not have seen it as strange.

I'm not 100% sure that the writer's native language is English. If it is, I apologise. There are just a few typos and grammatical mistakes that are a bit odd. At one point Mark says "...getting rave reviews on the Rolling Stones..." instead of "rave reviews in Rolling Stone". There are other examples where words are used in the wrong tense as well. Either it was rushed or it is a foreign writer.

The ending felt flat too. I was expecting to see some sort of a conclusion reached but it just ended abruptly. And since you had a few more pages to work with I think you should have used them.

On a positive note, you had the romance and drama in here. However there was no comedy at all. In fact it was a little bit depressing.

Good effort for completing the challenge though.

Cheers,
Tim.
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 1st, 2009, 1:57pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry, but I have to echo just about every negative thing that has been said here so far.

Tons of sentences using "is" as your verb.  Tons of unfilmable asides.  No action whatsoever until the very end, and all we get is a song being sung.  No humor whatsoever.  Way too many meaningless details.  Strange dialogue at times and strange prose at other times.

The lyrics started out alright but quickly got really bad, especially with the "in my bed" thing.  WTF?

No real ending, no wrap up, it just ends.  Very depressing overall.

Sorry, it didn't work for me, and didn't meet the challenge very well either.

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JonnyBoy  -  September 1st, 2009, 2:28pm
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: September 1st, 2009, 2:27pm Report to Moderator
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Almost. Almost there. Just not quite right.

Loved when he said this will be my swan song. The idea of a guy who has finally given up his dream and will be singing for the final time is excellent.

The problem I have with it is a problem that's not just confined to this script, but is shared by others.

The whole story pans out through dialogue. I guess it's difficult to do anything else with romance, but visually a lot of the scripts would just be talking heads.

I think he reveals too much in his speech as well. He should be revealing what he really thinks through his music. Which is anotehr point. The song is a little on the lame side. If you're going to have it being such a central part of the film, the damn thing needs to be brilliant. The line about being in bed was a little nasty. Hard, I know, but no way around it.

I also think that the ending was a bit unrealistic. Maybe it would be more truthful if she just kissed him and told him to continue playing. There wasn't the sense that enough had changed in his persona for her to see him for the first time. Maybe if he was doing a different kind of music or something IE he was now finally telling the truth in his songs and all of a sudden his music has changed and become real.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. I love the title, I love the concept of a guy singing his final song, just feel that there are bigger ideas and more places that it could go emotionally.

Probably one of my favourites.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: September 1st, 2009, 2:34pm Report to Moderator
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Very nicely done. I only have a couple of negatives to say.

First, there wasn't really comedy.

But that wasn't the first thing that struck me.

As I was reading along in the beginning, something felt strange
and I remembered reading this 'other' script a couple years
ago that had given me the same impression. "What" was the
impression? Something was off. Or was it?

Then I realized it when I came to this:

>She flashes a grin, hoping to rectify the fact that she
didn’t wish him a Happy Birthday on his actual date.

There is a lot of overwriting in this; however:

I don't think that's a bad thing necessarily in every case
exhibit here because your creative decision
(as long as it IS a creative decision and not by accident)
to include every little nuance with finger curls etc. will
influence the vision and emphasis that is to be filmed.

I enjoyed this and the ending was exceptional!

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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The boy who could fly
Posted: September 2nd, 2009, 11:43pm Report to Moderator
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This one fit the challenge.....almost, there really wasn't a hint of comedy, other than that it worked quite well, there was drama and romance and the song fit into the script so good job on that.  I would have liked more of an ending, happy or sad, wouldn't really matter, just something to wrap it up.  Still this was a solid effort.


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wannabe
Posted: September 4th, 2009, 11:59pm Report to Moderator
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This was pretty slow moving.  And there were no light moments so for me it felt like just drama.  I like the idea but it defintely needed more.  I would lighten mark up a bit.  Man  he's miserable.  A total downer.  I can't imagine any woman wanting to stay with him with that kind of attitude.  So in my opinion you need to give him some kind of redeaming qualities to get me to believe she'd be transifixed on him at the end.  

Your writing needs to be trimmed.  Lean narratives help your story move faster. And the dialog could use some zip.  As is it's just dry and predictable.

"He sits for a brief moment more, wondering if what he sees is actually real." - how do we know what he's wondering?  How can you film that statement?  You do this several times throughout.  Another example of an unfilmable statement, "hoping to rectify the fact that she didn’t wish him a Happy Birthday on his actual date."  That's why you constantly hear people saying "Show don't tell".

I did like the idea.  I just think it could have been executed better.  But improving your writing is the easy part...it just takes practice.  Coming up with a good idea for a story is the hard part, and you did that.  

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