Divorce Colorado Style by Khamanna Iskandarova (khamanna) (Two Tents)  Short, Romantic Dramedy w/ music - No Logline - pdf, format

Very cute read. Good take on divorce. The formatting was decent and it moved along fine.

Also considering this was a one week challange, you did very good. The song so worked in this.

Good job.

Shawn.....><

I thought this was sort of interesting. A skiing competition to see who gets what in a divorce. I liked that idea.

The writing itself was fine. Could possibly be a tad tighter, but no biggie at all.

All the characters were fine too. Even the longhaired cynic Uncle Phil.

The lyrics were great in my mind and came at the perfect moment.

I also think it worked very well as a romantic dramedy.

Good job!

PS. my comments were short because there wasn't much to complain about.  

i thought this was a very interesting premise, a very unique one at that.  what i found admirable, was that your script did incorporate all of the following criteria -- romance, comedy, drama...all except it  expanded to 13 pages!  stupid formatting, lol!

next time you upload a script on here, you should check out celtx.  it's a formatting software you can download for free.  

i'm assuming that you did this on microsoft word.  the text is really faint and there are a lot of spaces, making the script look sparse.

i agree with one of the posters, i think it could def. be tighter in the descriptions.  i found that some were kinda rambling.  

This is the first entry I've read so I can't really compare it to anything else but I liked what I read. The idea of the ski match to settle the custody battle was original and worked well to frame the story. The lyrics aligned well with the tune and sounded good, and I thought you did a reasonable enough job toe-ing the line between comedy and drama.

The only complaint that I had while reading was that there wasn't much tension between the two as I would expect most couples filing for divorce to have. I think it makes sense considering you showed that neither one of them wound up wanting it, but I still would've liked to know how they both wound up in the situation in the first place. Obviously there was some tension with the singing/guitar playing but I think this one could've used a bit more backstory. If we knew at the beginning that neither one of them wanted the divorce in the first place or atleast saw that they filed for divorce for the wrong reasons, then that'd add sme tension to the skiing competition as the reader would be left in suspense throughout the story as to whether or not the two would recognize their mistake in time. As it stands, I didn't feel invested enough in the fate of the two main characters.

Hmmm. Not sure how I feel about this one. It's creative; the idea of a skiing competition to determine who gets what in a divorce-it's a little dark, especially when Uncle Phil drops that bomb on the kids. I thought with the ammuntion they were going to do some shootin', but it was just a description for the ski gear. Shannon, at eight, wouldn't be saying Diborcing unless she had a serious speech impediment. The ending was OK as far as reintroducing a bit of romance with the fake hip injury, but by that point the damage had already been done; Those kids are going to need some therapy. I'm good with dark comedy, but Mason and Irene come off as selfish, mean-spirited and cold, conducting this display in front of their kids and pets (True, they weren't supposed to know the implication except for Uncle Phil...He should have kept his mouth shut.) I suppose it is an accurate allegory for divorce, however, just the outcome being determined by skiing instead of sitting in a lawyers office.

Some of the Irene's lines could be tightened.

You could have made it clear they are both singing the song they made up together, so instead of "lyrics" it should be "IRENE AND MASON (together)". The last song you formatted fine. I got the idea what's going on but this could be a distraction.

When at the end Mason "plows" on skis here and there, you could have Irene tell him to remove his skis. And this way she would notice how concerned he is with her (so concerned that he's walking around on skis).

Overall, I liked it. liked the premise too! But not the lyrics.

DIVORCE COLORADO STYLE

Pros – Well written. Pace was quick.  Exposition was revealed during the ski matches.

Cons – No need for description like “the match of their lifetime” or “An intent glare” but I quibble. Irene faked her injury and the race to get Mason singing and playing guitar again?  I guess things are different in Colorado

Comedy – Cute. Not forced. (Sorry for using “cute” but that’s the word that my data bank came up with) This could be rated G!

Romance – Romance was there but had a hard time feeling that Irene and Mason connected at the end. They talked to each other as if playing a game. Certainly, no "War of the Roses."

Lyrics – If I understand correctly, the music was used once as a ditty used to split Irene and Mason favorite things and used as a song at the end to show Irene that
Mason was listening about playing guitar again. Inspired.

Writer – Great job. I have but one suggestion. Find a tag line for the push off at the beginning of the race like “First one down gets the Monet!” only not that lame.

Criteria – Met.  Great use of lyrics.

Gary

Really like the premise here.  Also think you did a good job with the music, and even the lyrics.  All in all, I think you met the challenge quite well.

I do have multiple problems with some things though.  The skiing stuff is off in so many ways.  Not sure if you are a skier or not, but there are defintely issues here and reality checks that should have come into play.  Also, do not like Uncle Phil at all.  Actually wish he was completely taken out.  The kids should be a bit older, IMO.  Biggest gripe with the writing is the "Nurses".  There are not any nurses that run onto a ski hill when someone goes down.  Same deal with the "Emergency Center" thing, and the Dad "skiing" in.  Way off, and it really takes away from the read.

Biggest issue though is that you went over the 12 page limit, which, in my mind is not acceptable.

This is a good effort that cold be tightened up into a nice little romantic comedy.  Good job!

Actually this script is shorter than 12 full pages. The first page is the cover page. The script itself starts on page two.  

Hmm, this was a strange one. Kudos for the original idea but I couldn't really get into it.
Format was good, style ok.

Yeah, not one of my faves.


Ok, i've read all the current ones up. Will go back and rate them.

OK, then.  I stand corrected...guess the page numbering is just off then.

thought this might work as an animated piece...with the stretcher and all...simple straightforward type of story...not a whole lot of comedy, but it's tough to have romance, comedy, drama, and fit the lyrics into just 12 pages...i've reviewed most and everyone (including my own) seemed to have to sacrifice one of the elements in order to have some kind of story...decent effort...

Very interesting take on the theme as well as divorce. I was happy to see the song really take an active role in the story rather than embellish it like most of the others have done. I think I enjoyed Uncle Phil the best here. Cranky old men are usually fun onscreen and it helped balance out the romantic aspect of the script. The romance does have a hard time coming through early on, just given the subject matter. Divorce is no fun for anyone involved. The twist works well although I'm not sure Mason planned everything to end up this way. How exactly did he plan to surprise Irene and why would he want to put himself through so much hassle to do it? These questions need answering. Otherwise, a generally well balanced piece with a lot of thought put into it.

In one of my other critiques, I mentioned that I thought it didn't have enough of a spin.

Well, this one fulfills that aspect completely. It's very original and the writing is strong.

I had to laugh here:

The two perfect kids, Brandon and Shannon, with their two
dogs, and their Uncle Phil, a long haired cynic,

Stealing real people as characters? Or are you shrouding the shroud?

Here:

Two male nurses, NURSE 1 and NURSE 2, appear with a
stretcher. The kids and Uncle Phil trail behind.

I thought this came on a little to suddenly. Maybe show a time lapse.

This is high caliber.

Sandra