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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    August 2009 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Never Let A Good Thing Pass You By - * Moderators: Administrator
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  Author    OWC - Never Let A Good Thing Pass You By - *  (currently 3115 views)
Don
Posted: August 31st, 2009, 6:54pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Never Let A Good Thing Pass You By by James Williams (jwent668 (Seriously is My Real Name)  Short, Romantic Dramedy w/ music - A broke, small town girl in the big city makes a new friend while trying to find work. - pdf, format


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Don  -  September 7th, 2009, 2:55pm
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stevie
Posted: August 31st, 2009, 8:06pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting this one. Had all the requirements for the challenge.
At first I thought it was a little cliched and predictable but in retrospect its becomes better.
The style is good as is formatting.  

No, it is a nice piece. It sort of grew on me as I digested it.  Possibly in my top 5 so far.


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JonnyBoy
Posted: August 31st, 2009, 8:14pm Report to Moderator
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Meeting the competition criteria: it's that old 'what is a dramedy' thing again. I got the comedy and the romance, and there was SOME drama, but nothing dramatic enough happened, for me. I liked the use of the song, though, and overall I think this was probably one of the closest I've read so far
Characters: really good. Well-drawn, likeable, fleshed-out...good job
Dialogue: it strayed close to the expositional at certain times, but mostly it was bang-on. Liked the ending, too
Story: really very good. The chance encounter, the obstacle that's eventually overcome...you managed to fit an entire rom-com plot in 12 pages, and it didn't really feel rushed. Great work
Writing/format: title page is messy, passive verbage in your opening paragraph (and one other time), ANDREA isn't capitalised. However, those nit-picky points aside (it just matters more on the first page, you see), this was well-written. It looks very...rich, too. Once the names are revealed I'd love to know what software you use. This LOOKS like a professional screenplay

Good job! This will probably turn out to be one of the best.


Guess who's back? Back again?

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JonnyBoy  -  September 2nd, 2009, 4:49am
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bobtheballa
Posted: August 31st, 2009, 9:47pm Report to Moderator
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I really liked this one. It was a little light on the drama side but I think it was the most romantic of the ones I've read so far. The two lead characters sounded like two leads out of a traditional Hollywood rom-com (Andrea seemed like a character Katherine Heigl would play and subsequently complain about/accuse of being sexist after she was done filming... but I digress) and they had decent chemistry.

I wasn't too crazy about the song though. "Soon I'll have you in my head for a try" ... "no matter if I wind and work my way out of this bind" ... The lyrics could've used some work but they certainly weren't enough to detract from the rest of the script. Overall, a very enjoyable read that did a pretty good job of meeting the challenge.
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jwent6688
Posted: August 31st, 2009, 10:19pm Report to Moderator
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Wherever I go, there Jwent.

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Not bad, I see you made an effort to encompass all of the criteria, which is nice.

The meeting between the two was a little cliche-esque, which has been pointed out. They didn't have a whole lot of chemistry IMO.

The drama was a little on the soft side. Inter-office dating being the reason she made her choice. Not really sure if that's a criteria in todays workplace

Didn't find a whole lot to like about Andrea other than feel sorry for her. But you can still admire her for following her dreams.

Overall, not too bad, many other people didn't make it a point to put all the criteria in there script, which you tried. i just think it needed more pages to be believable.


James


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: August 31st, 2009, 10:26pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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I think this was very solid story telling. It was engaging and I enjoyed the humor here.

The lack of the toilet, Andrea giving the potted plant serious consideration and then....

I noticed this here:

>Him and Andrea lock eyes?

Whoopsies!

>There's a line you have to draw sometimes.
You have responsibilities and you have dreams.

This here is good because we all know it's true and
although it's cliche, it's thematic and themes
are always cliche. It's the spins we put on them
that make them interesting.

If there's anything weak here, it's maybe the lack
of 'spin' - something a little more different than the many
scripts like this that we see out there.

After she says,
It's a long story.
You have a new slug, but I think you need to clarify that it's 'later'.

A job well done.

Sandra






A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Astrid
Posted: September 1st, 2009, 1:11am Report to Moderator
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This was funny and romantic with a touch of drama, but didn't have enough of any of these things to really keep me in my seat.  

The one issue that stands out to me is that Andrea and Eric have different goals, different things to overcome. He doesn't want another "good thing" to slip by, and she needs a job to pay her rent.  These things do come together but I wish they had more of a common goal....LOVE.

Still, I think this is one of the few stories that I've read where the writer actually wrote a romantic comedy...so BIG points for that. And I did like it, I just wish that the stakes were a little higher and that Eric and Andrea had more of a shared goal so I could root for them as a couple.
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LC
Posted: September 1st, 2009, 1:20am Report to Moderator
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SOME vital story-line SPOILERS below.

Well, I'm of two minds on this one. Love the first say, eight pages. However, when Andrea gets home and finds the 'toilet' is gone - that was a bit of a stretch for me ... that the Super would take the time to actually have it removed, I mean. I think some other less drastic choice might've worked for better me.

The piano-playing segment - empty room, rich guy etc seemed a little derivative of Pretty Woman. But, then with this genre originality is difficult.

And the second-half of your story didn't quite match the opening in terms of high-standard. Didn't really like the lyrics much either - bit patchy.

Ok, I decided as a rule re the OWC to stick to 'story' and lyrics only - formatting/punctuation/grammar etc. (unless it's excruciating) I decided to steer clear of from the perspective of the challenge/time constraints etc.  think it's obvious with the deadline some formatting errors may have gone unnoticed.
In this case however, I can't help myself.

Sandra pointed to one error and I have another, and only because it was quite jarring - "dressed more proper". If you are of non-English speaking background then I understand. If it's an error in proof-reading - then also disregard. Otherwise, you should be aware it is not correct grammar usage - i.e. properly dressed, dressed properly, or appropriately dressed.

One other thing: in the job interview when she gets up and exits abruptly you needed a new slug or "dissolve" or indication of time-lapse. It was just a bit 'what the ...

All that said, I actually did quite like it - the romantic element was there. I just feel it needed more time to develop.


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mcornetto
Posted: September 1st, 2009, 1:35am Report to Moderator
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I thought that was pretty good.

It had sort of a melancholy overtone to it that I dug.  I felt for the characters.  I didn't really laugh but I chuckled and it made me feel good at the end.  Even the lyrics were nice, the weren't great but they were nice.

Well done.

You get:
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grademan
Posted: September 1st, 2009, 9:12am Report to Moderator
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NEVER LET A GOOD THING PASS YOU BY

Pros – Engaging read.

Cons – Some miscues on word choices “ensuing monsoon” and “The ring next to the sink represents a toilet which was once there, but is no longer”; bordering on overuse of “is”; Also, in an interview, the candidate should know the major clients esp. for a record company, so Andrea asking about the Jonas Bros. was off key. Plus, how did Eric and Andrea get into the empty and closed restaurant? Plus plus, Eric was the owner of the company Andrea was to interview, wouldn’t she have seen his picture somewhere?

Comedy – Good sense. The landlord and the toilet are grand. As was the flower pot. The scene in the elevator was confusing with Andrea dancing in anticipation. I thought it was anticipation for the date with Eric until her knees locked.

Romance – A light sense of bemusement accompanied Eric. Romance was a strong element on Eric’s part. Andrea could have been painted as a touch more interested.

Lyrics – Song that Eric sang to highlight theme. Nice foreshadowing of Eric as failed musician or it would have been unrealistic.

Writer – I liked this story. My comments above are wrinkles for you to iron out as you choose. Good job.

Criteria – Met.

Gary
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khamanna
Posted: September 1st, 2009, 2:53pm Report to Moderator
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I liked it. Romance is there... And your lyrics are good too.

It reminded me of The Diaries of Shopacholic though. I think that the premise been around. I'm not against the premises that are not so exceptionally unique but thinking they are better be explored in features. In a feature there's space and time to address details to make not very original idea sound unique and appealing.
Or so I think.

You know, I still enjoyed your script. I thought the flow and the pacing were good - very straightforward way of telling the story, liked the lyrics (as I already pointed out). It read crisp and to the point.
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The boy who could fly
Posted: September 1st, 2009, 2:57pm Report to Moderator
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Very good, probably the best one I read so far, I thought it fit the challenge, there was drama, romance and a little bit of comedy.  Eric and Andrea were both likable, and the song worked well in the story.  Good Job on this one.


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: September 1st, 2009, 3:15pm Report to Moderator
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It was solid. Very solid.

The structure was solid, the characters were rounded and believable.

I just didn't get any feeling from it at all. There just wasn't any emotion there for me and no real inspiration in the story.

I enjoyed the line about the Jonas brothers, I can't say that anything else moved me one way or another.

The story of the guy in jeans who is really the rich owner is a bit long in the tooth and you never really took us anywhere we've not been before. There was the kernel of an interesting conflict there about getting a top job or choosing love, but that wasn;t really presented as an option. She was bound to take the job because she barely knew him.

Still. Solid writing. Just needs a bit of a sprinkling of magic.
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 1st, 2009, 5:35pm Report to Moderator
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Overall, I think this is pretty good.  But something is defintely lacking as well, and I don't think I'll remember much about this.

A number of grammatical errors, spelling errors, etc.  Also, you have a 5 line passage in here that needs to be cut back.

Music and lyrics didn't work very well for me.  You did integrate the music in alright, but the lyrics were pretty weak.

I think what this is lacking is humor...yes, there is defintely some funny stuff, but for the most part, it's played very straight, and comes across rather dull.  I also don't buy the whole scenario here.  It just all happens too fast and I don't find it believable, even in a romcom type world.

Defintely not bad though, and a solid entry.  Good job.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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martin_b
Posted: September 3rd, 2009, 2:18pm Report to Moderator
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Possibly the best I've read so far. Nice romance, a good song, could use more comedy, but very well written. The leads were nice people. We want to see them get together, and when Eric finds a way around their dilemma, hooray!

Minor niggles were the missing toilet, which I thought inappropriate, and mistaking the boss for a junior, which is a bit of a cliche, but as I say, minor.
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