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  Author    Neon  (currently 869 views)
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Posted: September 11th, 2009, 6:06am Report to Moderator
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Neon by Eric Hansen and Matias Caruso (Inquiringmind and Mr. Z) - Short, Drama - A man returns from a foreign country to reconnect with his highschool love. 29 pages - pdf, format


Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


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Niles_Crane
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1. This is a Word Doc rather than a pdf. While this does not matter much on SS, it does mean that, when opening it on a laptop without MS Word, you need a converter, in my case swriter, and as a result the formatting can shift. It is always best to save your work in pdf format if you can, as this preserves your script as you wrote it.

2. This may be due to the above, but there is page numbering on the title page. If this is due to the formatting issues mentioned, ignore this, but otherwise, obviously, you start numbering from the first page proper of the script not the title page.

3. What has the title got to do with this story? Neon lighting is mentioned in the restaurant scenes, but otherwise it seems irrelevant. I am not sure of any double meaning it could have in the context of this story either.

4. Page numbering should be on the upper right hand side of the page not centre, although again this may be a formatting issue.

5. It has now generally ceased to be the rule that scenes are numbered in this way except in shooting scripts.

6. On a number of occasions you give two titles in capitals to characters: YOUNG MAN and CHRISTIAN for example. There is no need for this. Just put the name you will use in the script in capitals - so

A young man is sitting at a bus depot. His name is CHRISTIAN RIVERA.

is fine.

7. You don't give any description beyond "young" - while not essential, it might be nice to get a feel for the character by saying whether he is tall, short, well built, weedy or whatever.

8. When you introduce Fidel, again you do not need to use MAN (FIDEL) - and certainly not brackets - just use his name.

9. Fidel asks Christian for a light for his cigar, and Christian says "Take It" - Take it from where?

10. remember this if nothing else, you must be ready to kill for a better quality cigar Like this line a lot - it might be the best line in the whole script actually! I'd suggest giving a (beat) before Fidel says it, to give it more emphasis.

11. But the section that follows it is confusing and I did not understand what was going on!

CHRISTIAN
Yes sir. Sir?

Fidel looks intently at Christian. He pats his leg and grits the cigar between his teeth.

FIDEL
Nothing my friend. We're going to send the boys to hell and back.  

Christian stares straight ahead, his eyes more confident than ever.


12. Restaurant is misspelt in the scene headings repeatedly.

13. You have a banner in Spanish announcing Independence Day celebrations - how will non-Spanish speakers know what it says? If it is not important to the story (and it didn't seem to be) you might as well drop it.

14, The description of the restaurant is overly complicated (why not just Patrons dance, cigar smoke hangs in the air, a band plays or something like that?)

15. You can use CONTINUOUS when a series of scenes run consecutively like this, rather than NIGHT over and over. You might need to ask yourself if the bathroom scene is necessary at all though.

16. His eyes have an apathetic but melancholy demeanor. Do they. What does this mean and how does an actor realise it?

17. Katarina has a tattoo on her neck. In 1956? I doubt it.

There are a lot of problems with Katarina in this script. You describe her as young, but give no age. She seems to regress as the script moves forward - here she is a "beautiful and wild", later she says "yuck, gross" like a teenager, and later still she sits on a stair peeking through the bannister like a ten year old!

You also manage to give her three names - in the descriptions she is Katarina, her dialogue is given as by Kata, and twice she is called Cathlin! You need to pick one and stick to it please.

18. When Christian has his daydream, you need to indicate clearly when it starts and ends.

19. The reference to a plate of "fish and chips" was a bit incongruous - is this Argentina or Salford?! Also, he's given it fifteen minutes before he performs, does his act, and then comes back to eat it - wouldn't it be stone cold by then?

20. You don't indicate that we move over to hear what Katarina and Anthony are saying - the way it is written it sounds as if Christian has bionic hearing! Later you do indicate properly when action is taking place in different parts of the scene, and you need to do so here as well.

21. It looks like a techno colored rainbow Apart from the fact that this is misspelt (it's Technicolor), aren't all rainbows Technicolor by their very nature?

Right, well I am off now to have my dinner. I will continue this review when I return  

Revision History (1 edits)
Niles_Crane  -  September 13th, 2009, 7:40am
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Niles_Crane
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Now, where was I...

22. The dialogue needs work. Little of it sounds authentic for the period and setting, and often it sounds unnatural and clunky. There is little sense of the rhythm of real language here.

No miss. This belongs to the Communist party of Argentina. And you don't look like you belong here. I'm the landlord of this building. My name is Sergio Diaz. You are Christian's friend yes?

This is just one character telling story detail to another, it is not dialogue.

23. Anthony pulls out a paper and begins to read it - in a restaurant? If he wanted to ignore Katarina, why not go off to talk to someone instead as he does later?

24. Anthony describes Katarina as a woman of "high society" - leaving aside her having a tattoo, which hardly fits this description, we never see anything to suggest this is true - the home life we see resembles lower middle class or even working class to me (no servants for a start - both she and her mother are seen to clean the kitchen themselves).

25. Christian gives the waiter the drawing to hand to Katarina - we never see him try to hand it over, or even approach the table, and yet he gives it back to Christian saying he couldn't do it. It seems the way it is written that it he never even leaves Christian's table!

26. He closes his eyes as if to reach back in time to some distant place You do this more than once - how is an actor going to act this? It is particularly bad at the end of the script with Katarina when you are describing internal feelings.

27. In the car, the radio music stops. On a radio? There would be something else - talk or music - it wouldn't just stop dead.

28. You don't need to give (HIS THOUGHTS) as a heading when you have already given VO indication.

29. And talking of his thoughts:

My brothers and sisters, take away what you will from my naked body. Don't let anyone else influence your experience, but embrace my nakedness as your own. Love your body. Be vulnerable and start a revolution.

eh?

30. Why does the waiter wait until Christian comes back before taking the drawing over? Why not do it when Anthony had left the table, while Christian was out?

31. You have Christian rest the guitar between his legs - on them surely - or else does he play it like a double bass? Earlier he is asked to play an up tempo number - and says he will - but this doesn't sound like it's very up tempo!

The audience becomes a little restless

Why?  Moments later they are applauding him and a couple even get to their feet!

32. You have Katarina say Darn it like she is in some Roy Rogers western! This is what I mean about the dialogue sounding inauthentic!

33. And this is the last we see of Anthony. He leaves Katarina at the restaurant and is never seen again. It's a strangely abrupt way to deal with a character!

34. Katarina's is on her hands and knees looking under the table Really? Not very dignified is it? Why not get a waiter to look for her?

35. This next bit confuses me again. She walks towards Christian, carrying the drawing. He grabs her hand and she is startled. Why? She walks towards him - obviously he is going to attempt to stop her, it's not as if she didn't see him there. And then he finds the drawing is of himself. Where did this come from? Obviously we are to assume that it is a left over of their earlier relationship, but at this point it is just a complete mystery (and indeed is never properly explained)

36.

CHRISTIAN
Hello Kata.

KATA
Hey.


Hey? Hardly how a woman might greet a man she once loved and who left her years before. In fact, it sounds more like he's just popped out for a bag of sugar and come back!

None of this dialogue between the two has any sense of emotion.

37.

CHRISTIAN
Not too far. Mexico.


It's a different continent so this is an odd way to put it.

38.

CHRISTIAN
I was hoping you wouldn't wait for me.

KATA
I didn't.


Good bit. More exchanges like this would have been nice.

39. There is no need to include in the scene headers info like (DRIVING) or (RAINING) as you can put these in the description below.

40. There are a lot of people handing each other pieces of paper in this script. Drawings, leases, letters, it is a recurring motif so maybe you ought to call this script "Pieces of Paper"?

41.

KATA CONTD
I'm going to walk home the rest of the way!


One or the other, not both. We also have no idea of how far it is to her home - it could be a foot or a mile!

42. Katarina has now had two conversations with Christian, neither of which have progressed us or them very far and has stormed off in the middle of both - this does not make her come across as a very mature character.

43. She runs away from the car, falls, Christian helps her up and takes her to his car. She says not one word during any of this. She also fails to speak at all when they get back to her apartment.

44. The description of the warehouse converted into studio apartments sounds remarkably modern for this period.

45.

CHRISTIAN
BTW I'm not trying to get you anymore.


BTW - in 1956 Argentina? Don't think so.

46. And again, for the third time, we have the same scene of these two discussing their love life. We are now half way through the script and it is getting old.

47.

CHRISTIAN
Yah I still love you!


Is he German?

48. Christian throws the tea cup out the window. What?

49. You need to explain what Christian is on about rather than assume the audience would know about Cuba.

50.

KATA
I don't know. I just hurt a good man. Okay he wasn't a normal man, but he was loyal.


What does this mean? Is this a suggestion that Anthony was not interested in Katarina sexually? If so, it needs to be more clearly indicated in the scenes they have together.

And I think it's time for another break there. I'll be back...




Revision History (1 edits)
Niles_Crane  -  September 13th, 2009, 7:47am
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Angry Bear
Posted: September 13th, 2009, 7:56am Report to Moderator
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I read the 5 page version of this some time ago. Interesting that you would chose to re-write something of his. His 5 pagers are pretty perfect in my book.  


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Niles_Crane
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Is that still around - it would be interesting to compare.
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Niles_Crane
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51. Are we expected to believe that Katarina does not know how to dance? And what about her leg? Moments before she was bleeding and in pain - now she is on her feet and the wound is never mentioned again.

52. Christian can't make up his mind. First he wants her, then he doesn't, then he does, then he doesn't. It is very boring.

53. Right - so the lights are off. So this scene takes place in darkness? Moonlight?

54. She looks at her body and realizes she is not in great as shape as she used to be way back in high school

And how do we the audience know this?

55. Christian takes off his pants. Katarina looks at his naked lower extremities

Tell you what - he has his priorities right - he takes his trousers off first. Romance isn't dead.

56. The scene with the drugs - they are naked during the whole of this, right?

57. Christian has an odd seduction technique. He gets a woman to strip off, takes his clothes off, and then drugs her so she passes out. Where's the logic in this? You would almost think he didn't know what to do next.

I would say that if you're not prepared to write a sex scene, probably best not to start one.

58. This is where she says "Yuck Gross", which hardly chimes with a "high society" "beautiful and wild" woman. More like a cheer leader in a teen comedy.

59. Which drawing is referred to here - we have seen two so far.

60. Was the Communist Party legal in 1956 Argentina? Peron had not long fallen, the country was emerging into unsteady democracy, riven with strikes by the pro-Peronist Unions - and I suspect that the CP would not have been a legal entity, and so would not have been able to own property - but I might be wrong, of course.

61. None of the Landlord's dialogue sounds at all natural - basically he is there for the exposition!

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62. Where are we - is the kitchen at Katarina's house or Christian's apartment? And when is this? Time has passed, because she now has shorter hair - but you need to make this much clearer.

63. When I read this first, I thought it was bills as in ones you pay, but then realised you meant as in money. This again needs to be clearer.

64. When she reads the letter is this a VO, in which case you could do it in Christian's voice, or is she speaking aloud?

65. As we have not met either parent at this point, and were not even aware that she lived at home, these arguing voices make little sense. And as there has been no mention of her marriage (to Anthony presumably), this is also a new plot point to us.

66. This is remarkably rough dialogue for her father - hardly sounds "high society", more like a docker!

67. No expert, but Laura sounds a very Western name for an Argentinian woman.

68. Katarina hides behind the upstairs railing listening to the conversation And her regression continues - is she a woman or a child?

69. None of the dialogue here - Katarina's, her mothers, or her fathers, sounds remotely realistic or natural. It reminds me of some parody of soap operas in places, I am afraid. It is cringeworthy at times.

70. And then, after her mother has spouted a load of nonsense about love, Katarina just gives up without a fight. That's it is it? She doesn't even speak except to say "whatever you say mama".  

71. Again, you need to be clearer about how much time has passed, using a caption of some kind, as there is nothing here to tell us.

72. Katarina knitting - this is the "wild" woman with the tattoo right? And what has happened to the marriage? If she didn't get married she was going to be put in a convent - but neither seems to have happened.

73. You need to write out the portion of the letter that we either see via camera angle, or is heard in voice over as this is far too vague.

74. I was never allowed to give this to you. But I remembered how much you loved to paint.

Why not?

75. I still do

When? We have seen nothing to indicate this - all we have seen is her knitting!

76. Katarina puts the money in her bra for safe keeping

Rather common of her, isn't it?

And what about the "bills" she found before? This seems to have been forgotten.

77. You shouldn't put the (ONE MONTH LATER) in the header - this won't be seen by anyone except the production crew. It needs a on screen caption. But at least you have indicated that time has passed clearly.

78. The Radio Announcer would be OS not VO.

79. Is this Batista dialogue verbatim from an actual broadcast?

80. Why is Katarina so "confounded" and in "awe" at events?

81. Suddenly the naked woman jumps up and down

With excitement or cramp?

82. The woman seems inordinately happy at the Cuban revolution. Why? I doubt, given what was happening in Argentina at the time anyone would care greatly about Cuba - and if they did, they'd probably be more worried that Communists would take over Argentina than happy about the news.

83. Katarina buries her face in her hands but cannot reach a place of emotion. Only a feeling of frustration settles into her consciousness.

This is novel writing not screenwriting.

And so we reach the end. Christian is apparently dead - but the phone rings, holding out the possibility that he isn't. But the problem is - do we care. I got no sense of the people as characters, let alone as lovers.

Christian and Katarina knew each other - the only knowledge we have that they were high school sweethearts is in your logline! He clears off (hints of political reasons), comes back, they have what must be an unsatisfactory tryst at best, then he buggers off again. Exactly why should she be in love with him? He says he wants a family - then that he is going to fight in a revolution (and in someone else's country!).

There is little character consistency here. Christian is a Communist we assume - and knows Fidel. But on the eve of the Cuban Revolution, he goes back to Argentina to play guitar in a restaurant and pick up an old girlfriend!

And as I have said, she is all over the place as a character - from " beautiful and wild" to a acquiescent teenage knitter to a tortured artist!

There is no sense of place in this script - no real sense that this is strife torn Argentina, where the forces of Peronism were still strong, and revolution in Cuba might inspire revolutionaries at home.

I got to the end of this and just wondered what the point was of what I'd read. It needs a lot of work.
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rendevous
Posted: September 13th, 2009, 11:29am Report to Moderator
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Niles has been busy hasn't he? You read a few of mine so I gave this a look.

I see it's based on a Mr. Z story so should be interesting.

Can't say I like the font for the title. Not the best start.

Weird dialogue. Not saying it's bad, just weird.


Quoted from Neon
A WAITER approaches Christian with a plate of fish and chips.


In a spanish restaurant. Surely piella or tapas?


Quoted from Neon
Susan says this is what the American girl�s are wearing today.


Just one of them?


Quoted from Neon
He gives her a slight pick on the cheek


'Peck' surely. A pick would be painful.


Quoted from Neon
WAITOR


There's an 'e' in Waiter. You spelt it correctly before. You'll get away with the odd typo but too many makes it a tough read.

Not sure why you numbered the scenes. There's no need in a spec script.


Quoted from Neon
CHRISIAN VO
(HIS THOUGHTS)


I don't think you need the subtitle there.


Quoted from Neon
My brothers and sisters, take away what you will from my naked body. Don�t let anyone else influence your experience, but embrace my nakedness as your own. Love your body. Be vulnerable and start a revolution.  


This lad does have some strange thoughts.


Quoted from Neon
Katarina�s is on her hands and knees


She's on her own though isn't she?


Quoted from Neon
She finds Christians drawing.  


There's only one of him.


Quoted from Neon
Katarina is walking towards Christian whom is still sitting alone at his table.  


Whom?


Quoted from Neon
From his point of view he sees a rough sketch of himself. It�s perfect.


Now it's getting weird. I thought this was his drawing of her.


Quoted from Neon
Christian abruptly hits the breaks  


Hmmm. I'd say brakes. Breaks are what you take inbetween work periods. Or the result of dropping a fragile object on a hard surface.


Quoted from Neon
The mood is quit somber.  


Well it's 'sombre'. I'd have rather if you'd have described how this looked. Little gestures, facial expressions etc.


Quoted from Neon
Katarina tries to run faster but her heals give way  


Maybe English isn't your first language but this does need a good proofread.


Quoted from Neon
You are still in love with me. And you think that by coming back from the dead, you can squirm your way back into my life!


Maybe she's talking metaphorically. Either way that got my attention.


Quoted from Neon
She puts her feet on his. They move together in silence.  


With a wounded leg? Tough girl this one.

Quoted from Neon
She looks at her body and realizes she is not in great as shape as she used to be way back in high school.  


That'd be a tough one to capture on film. This reads more like a novel than a screenplay.


Quoted from Neon
Christian begins to laugh. Katarina starts to laugh too. He turns on the lights and walks over to a table.  


There's a lot of 'begins to' and 'starts to'. It's now how it should be. Someone might begin to cry. Otherwise just say 'Christian laughs'. 'She takes off her dress'.

It reads a lot better.


Quoted from Neon
Katarina reaches for the bottle and takes a few sips. The bottle suddenly gets real heavy. And she puts it down.


How does it get heavy? Slips through her fingers?


Quoted from Neon
She wants a cookie so she opens it.  


Another tough one to film.


Quoted from Neon
KATA
(reading letter)
Dear Katarina. I sent you 20000 pesos to lease the studio for one  


You don't need that parenthetical. We get the idea.


Quoted from Neon
She kneels beside her bed and prays for his safety. She jumps into her bed and thinks about moving in with Christian.  


There's another tough one to film. This director is gonna have to be amazing.


Quoted from Neon
Katarina has drawn colors and contours around the naked woman�s body, giving it a new presence.

INSIDE CLOSET

Cathlin opens the closet door rather abruptly.


I think your character metamorphosized into someone else there.

Sadly I didn't feel like I was in South America or anywhere near it.

Overall I quite liked some of this. The end was pretty good. As I said it needs some work, lose all that unfilmable stuff and try and tidy up those typos.


Out Of Character - updated


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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
rendevous  -  September 13th, 2009, 12:56pm
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Thanks Niles. I was eagerly awaiting for you to read my script. Some of what you said was spot on and others weren't but nevertheless, thanks for taking the time to read my script. I will return the favor.

Now inregards to some of your comments. There was alot, so I may not comment on everything but I will try.


Quoted from Niles_Crane
1. This is a Word Doc rather than a pdf. While this does not matter much on SS, it does mean that, when opening it on a laptop without MS Word, you need a converter, in my case swriter, and as a result the formatting can shift. It is always best to save your work in pdf format if you can, as this preserves your script as you wrote it.




I'm sorry for this. There was a PDF version of Neon. Unfortunately when I had sent this to simplyscripts. I wasn't at my own computer.  




Quoted Text
2. This may be due to the above, but there is page numbering on the title page. If this is due to the formatting issues mentioned, ignore this, but otherwise, obviously, you start numbering from the first page proper of the script not the title page.


No, it's not your computer. I didn't realize that it wasn't convention. I will change it.



Quoted Text
3. What has the title got to do with this story? Neon lighting is mentioned in the restaurant scenes, but otherwise it seems irrelevant. I am not sure of any double meaning it could have in the context of this story either.


There are two answers:

1) This was Matius's name for the original script. The bar it self was called Neon.
2) Because I changed the name of the bar, I took the literal meaning and incorporated it as a filmic divice that appeared twice throughout the film.  One being the restaurant where the couple met, and the other Kata's hallucination. Two key scenes in the entire movie. Hence the name is relevent but not obvious.

It was really a clue as to what I think was the most important part in the script. However the audience may digress and think another part of the film is more important and hence the name of the film wouldn't make sense. But, well that's art and I hide behind it.

Your opinion is valid, but it's not mine.


Quoted Text
4. Page numbering should be on the upper right hand side of the page not centre, although again this may be a formatting issue.


If the master slug line contains scene numbers on either side of the slug line, then the page number should be in the centre of the page not the upper right hand side.

Look at Goonies for example.


Quoted Text
5. It has now generally ceased to be the rule that scenes are numbered in this way except in shooting scripts.


The version I sent is a shooting script. Matiu's version is in proper spec format.


Quoted Text
6. On a number of occasions you give two titles in capitals to characters: YOUNG MAN and CHRISTIAN for example. There is no need for this. Just put the name you will use in the script in capitals - so

[b]A young man is sitting at a bus depot. His name is CHRISTIAN RIVERA.


is fine. [/b]


Whenever you introduce a new character, you must immediately cap as he first appears on the script even if it is not his/her proper name. If you should change the noun into a new noun, than you recap it as the name will appear in the dialogue. Most scripts introduce the proper name to begin, with hence there is no need to cap more than once, but I didn't.



Quoted Text
7. You don't give any description beyond "young" - while not essential, it might be nice to get a feel for the character by saying whether he is tall, short, well built, weedy or whatever.


That's because the specific characteristics didn't matter in the overall telling of this story. The only thing the audience needs to know at this point is that he is young and male. Let their imagination fill in the details.

Secondly, I wanted the director to feel like he could cast anyone for this role, provided his personality fits the character.




Quoted Text
8. When you introduce Fidel, again you do not need to use MAN (FIDEL) - and certainly not brackets - just use his name.


Noted.



Quoted Text
9. Fidel asks Christian for a light for his cigar, and Christian says "Take It" - Take it from where?


I will put in brackets that Christian is handing his box of matches to Fidel.



Quoted Text
10. remember this if nothing else, you must be ready to kill for a better quality cigar Like this line a lot - it might be the best line in the whole script actually! I'd suggest giving a (beat) before Fidel says it, to give it more emphasis.


Thanks.


Quoted Text
11. But the section that follows it is confusing and I did not understand what was going on!

CHRISTIAN
Yes sir. Sir?

Fidel looks intently at Christian. He pats his leg and grits the cigar between his teeth.

FIDEL
Nothing my friend. We're going to send the boys to hell and back.  

Christian stares straight ahead, his eyes more confident than ever.



Fidel is wanting to say something more, but instead he decides to end the conversation by making a remark about the battle to come.



Quoted Text
12. Restaurant is misspelt in the scene headings repeatedly.


Damn. I will go need to correct this.



Quoted Text
13. You have a banner in Spanish announcing Independence Day celebrations - how will non-Spanish speakers know what it says? If it is not important to the story (and it didn't seem to be) you might as well drop it.


I suppose I will have to insert subtitles then.


Quoted Text
14, The description of the restaurant is overly complicated (why not just Patrons dance, cigar smoke hangs in the air, a band plays or something like that?)


Because I want the reader to know what the bar looks like. If it's in the movie it should be on paper.



Quoted Text
15. You can use CONTINUOUS when a series of scenes run consecutively like this, rather than NIGHT over and over. You might need to ask yourself if the bathroom scene is necessary at all though.


Not if there is a change in location.

If I repeated a master slug line it is only because I literally broke away from the scene or I'm describing another location within that scene that's not in the same room.

It is clearly not continuous so why would I insert continuous?


Quoted Text
16. His eyes have an apathetic but melancholy demeanor. Do they. What does this mean and how does an actor realise it?


It means the actor should convey this emotion in his eyes by literally being apathetic and melancholy to what he is looking at. What's not to get?



Quoted Text
17. Katarina has a tattoo on her neck. In 1956? I doubt it.


Do you know that for a fact? I highly doubt that I can be wrong on this even if it isn't common for a woman to bare a tattoo in 1956 Argentina.  

Clearly this woman does, and hence it does say something about her personality. With respect to the period she is in, she may be apart of highscociety but is she really?

She isn't, and that is the whole point of the story. If this woman can do drugs and paint nude women as a hobby. I don't see the improbability that she would also get a tattoo on her neck.

This is artistic licence.


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There are a lot of problems with Katarina in this script. You describe her as young, but give no age. She seems to regress as the script moves forward - here she is a "beautiful and wild", later she says "yuck, gross" like a teenager, and later still she sits on a stair peeking through the bannister like a ten year old!


Okay first off, you are injecting your own biases into this character which is the real problem. You need to trust the writing and take it as it is. You may think her behavior is immature, but if you actually understand who she is as a person, you can't fault her in it.

You either like this character or you don't. Clearly you don't. Which is cool.

Also, about the age issue. If it is not important in the overall story, then it doesn't need to be said at verbatim. She is a young woman, figure it out for yourself what a young woman means to you.

For me it means some one in their twenties, around marrying age which is between 22 up to 27. she was obviously an adult when she first knew Christian, thus the picture and hence she can't be 18. So add 5 years to 18 and she is logically around 23, 24.

If I say she is 24 in the script then the actress who plays Kata has to be 24. If I say she is a young woman, than the actress who plays Kata, has to be a young woman who can be a 24 year old but not necessarily. Hence age is not a crucial thing unless we are dealing with kids, or a particular figure in history.

In all tense and purposes I'm just trying to make it easy on the casting director who will ask Kata. That's it.



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You also manage to give her three names - in the descriptions she is Katarina, her dialogue is given as by Kata, and twice she is called Cathlin! You need to pick one and stick to it please.


Oh yeah, Cathlin is a mistake. Her name is Katarina. Kata is what she is sometimes called. I have already corrected that mistake in my later revisions.



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18. When Christian has his daydream, you need to indicate clearly when it starts and ends.


I think it is pretty clear if you read it again.

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Inquiringmind
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I see it's based on a Mr. Z story so should be interesting.

Can't say I like the font for the title. Not the best start.

I do.



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In a spanish restaurant. Surely piella or tapas?


Nope. Your thinking Spain. In Argentina the eat alot of meat however fish and chips just so happens to be Christians favorite food.



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'Peck' surely. A pick would be painful.
Your right.


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There's an 'e' in Waiter. You spelt it correctly before. You'll get away with the odd typo but too many makes it a tough read.
Yes I know. The draft I sent to simply scripts was full of typo's. Never poof read a script at 1 o clock at night. It's just asking for trouble.



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Not sure why you numbered the scenes. There's no need in a spec script.
Because it's a shooting script. I never made a spec for this short, because I am the one directing it.


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This lad does have some strange thoughts.
Perhaps, but does a normal joe join a revolution?


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She's on her own though isn't she?
Yes. I'm sorry I don't understand the question.


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There's only one of him
Then it's obviously a punctuation error. Like I said before, I didn't do a great job proof reading this version of my short, which I now regret.


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Whom?
Should read who.


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Now it's getting weird. I thought this was his drawing of her.


Must I tell the reader everything? That's because she drew his portrait. Anyhow it wasn't clear so I fixed it so that it states her drawing is superimposed on the same paper. Thanks.



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Well it's 'sombre'. I'd have rather if you'd have described how this looked. Little gestures, facial expressions etc.


Maybe English isn't your first language but this does need a good proofread.


My word doc is defaulted in American English hence it's spelled correctly.


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With a wounded leg? Tough girl this one.
She cut her leg, she didn't break it.  


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There's a lot of 'begins to' and 'starts to'. It's now how it should be. Someone might begin to cry. Otherwise just say 'Christian laughs'. 'She takes off her dress'.
Okay. I see your point.


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That'd be a tough one to capture on film. This reads more like a novel than a screenplay.

I can see why you would think that. It is a bit wordy, but I wrote it more for the actor then the reader. If I left it as just a gasp at the site of her own body, For me it comes across as too general, but your POV is valid.


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How does it get heavy? Slips through her fingers?
I'm letting the actor make that decision. All she has to do is put the bottle down on the table in a clumsy way.


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There's another tough one to film. This director is gonna have to be amazing.
You think so? For what it's worth I think your right!


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I think your character metamorphosized into someone else there.


Sorry for the confusion. Cathline is wrong. It should read Katarina.


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Sadly I didn't feel like I was in South America or anywhere near it.
Overall I quite liked some of this. The end was pretty good. As I said it needs some work, lose all that unfilmable stuff and try and tidy up those typos.


Thanks. The story is focused more on the character relationships than on the setting. In fact the setting is somewhat negligible in the script but I will make up for it by drawing on period clothing, cars, and buildings.  

Nevertheless thank you for reading my short.
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Angry Bear
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You're not going to like this, but if you are the director, I think you'll be better off using the original 5 pager...


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Inquiringmind
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Quoted from Angry Bear
You're not going to like this, but if you are the director, I think you'll be better off using the original 5 pager...


I appreciate your concern but it is unwarrented as I'm positive that this script is much better than the original. Mr. Z is a terrific writer. One of the best I have ever seen. However when he gave me this script it wasn't polished and it only got mixed reviews from some high end people in the industry. Hence I had to rewrite it.

Now it's s a short that delivers more than the usual love story of boy meets girl. Infact it isn't really a love story as so much it is about being free to explore oneself.
Freedom is the real premise not love.

I hope he understands and approves of the rewrite but I think I kept the essence of his story, which is what counts.


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Angry Bear
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...okay

good luck with it. hope we get to see the film one day.  

Btw, I don't think those people at MP were high end people in the industry...

Also I don't think my comment was unwarranted as I read the 5 pager and your version. I know which was better...by far.


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Inquiringmind
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This is novel writing not screenwriting


It is screenwriting and if you haven't seen it before. Now you have.


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And so we reach the end. Christian is apparently dead - but the phone rings, holding out the possibility that he isn't. But the problem is - do we care. I got no sense of the people as characters, let alone as lovers.


I'm sorry you didn't feel anything for the characters but I'm not sure what you think character development is.

For me character development is how the characters react with each other and to a given situation, which was definately in the script.



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Christian and Katarina knew each other - the only knowledge we have that they were high school sweethearts is in your logline! He clears off (hints of political reasons), comes back, they have what must be an unsatisfactory tryst at best, then he buggers off again. Exactly why should she be in love with him? He says he wants a family - then that he is going to fight in a revolution (and in someone else's country!).


Maybe she is inlove with him, maybe she is not. Maybe love is more than getting what we want, but it is really about getting what we need. And maybe some people can only love from afar and not when they are together.



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There is little character consistency here. Christian is a Communist we assume - and knows Fidel. But on the eve of the Cuban Revolution, he goes back to Argentina to play guitar in a restaurant and pick up an old girlfriend!


The beginning scene isn't before the events in Argentina. It is actually some where inbetween. I only stated that it takes place in 1956 but I never stated it took place before July the 9. I encourage you to read it again.


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And as I have said, she is all over the place as a character - from " beautiful and wild" to a acquiescent teenage knitter to a tortured artist!


I think you are confusing characterization with character. As a character she is certainly focused, but yes she does have a lot of characterization. You seem to think it is a reflection of her character which is wrong.


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There is no sense of place in this script - no real sense that this is strife torn Argentina, where the forces of Peronism were still strong, and revolution in Cuba might inspire revolutionaries at home.


Thankyou because this script wasn't suppose to be about Peron Agentina or Fidels Cuba. It was about two people becoming valnerable again in the wake of a revolution.







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mcornetto
Posted: September 14th, 2009, 12:44am Report to Moderator
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The script Neon came out of a contest called Chemistry on Movie Poet (MP) -
http://www.moviepoet.com
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