Soulshadows II: Grave Messages by Michael Cornetto (Tanis by Robert Newcomer) - Series, Supernatural - A young man is determined to prove that the messages he is receiving on his cell phone are not coming from his dead friend. - pdf, format


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Excellent, Michael.  Excellent.  Mood, dialog, pacing, revelation of facts. . .all just right.  I said i felt Mr. Shelton's work was worthy of a Mr. Spielberg production, and I feel that your script would be perfect for a Chris Carter production.  It was all so visually attractive.  The graveside burial, the crash had me there, the dream sequences, then the scene at the grave later.  All were so well visualized.  I loved it!  I have to say this is now my new favorite of Series 2!  

P.S. - Yes, the way you unraveled the facts via the flashback were perfect.  Doing it through the eyes of Franklin was spot on!

Mr. Cornetto.

Fine job. Damn fine job. I listened to the iScript and read the script at the same time. Cool. The interplay and suspense was well-suited to this piece. Great idea well executed.

(SPOILER)
The graveyard scene was especially fascinating. I thought for sure it was gonna be coma girl in the bushes in one of those "I'm in a coma but not really" wrap-ups. Well done on the misdirect there.

Mr. Newcomer.

A polished integration of Tanis and the story. Spinning the phone with her finger. I could see it. I look forward to the upcoming Tanis's story.


Gary

I don't like to read others' posts before doing my critiques and I'm not going to here.

Please, bear with me:

I feel this is has the beginnings of a wonderful tale that resonates with me perfectly. I do feel that it needs work and I will try my best to add input for your consideration.

After reading the script, I've discovered that what I have found are issues with tone. It's strange, because I also had noticed that in Husbands From Space and I understand this difficulty. Please indulge a digression for a moment:

When I wrote Flubox Fiasco - Shiva - A Comic Tale, I kept wavering between serious and not. Finally I gave up to the muses and decided to write in a comic mode. I have yet to revisit dark versions I have. Let me just say, that I really enjoyed Hell Boy and I had decided I was going to try and write with that kind of tone, but maybe a little more Disneyesque. So with that, let me continue....

You had some wonderfully comedic lines in this, but when I started the read, none of that came through. Maybe, we can think on that.

The beginning. Oh God, I just hope that I can translate how I feel about the verbatim kind of descriptions in character. It really helps me in reading these because I'm now thinking: Sandra, don't do this.

So what's wrong? Writing? Good. Check. And I needed to probe more deeply; so here goes:

I couldn't nail what I felt intuitively was wrong until I went back and really tried to figure it out and:

It seems filled with a lot of exterior direction and I'm realizing that that's not what it's about.

(I think at this point I should also suggest we start a thread on Directing and what is it exactly that Directors do.)

There was this script I read some of, what was it? As good as it gets. The writer carefully showed the relationships and inner operations that were happening through dialogue interspersed with action. I'm thinking that interspersed might be key here.

In the beginning of this, we've got a lot of external action, but it doesn't quite feel real. I'm considering the rhythm and placement now so that it doesn't read so dryly.

Here:

>He squeezes the hand of CAMILLE KING (20ish) who, out of
duty and love, sheds enough tears for both of them.

>She takes a sad glance toward Elliot and he’s heartbroken.
He brings a tender thumb up under her eye and wipes away some of her tears.

**I would like to make the suggestion that you write their introductions together, in one line rather than separate into two. The reason I say this, is that I feel it would be preferable to write about this as more of an internal exchange rather than an explicit separation in the form of: "He squeezes" "She takes a sad glance".

Two hands SQUEEZE together, male and female - of CAMILLE KING AND ELLIOT STRAUB, both (20s) Oh!

What these hands exchange. And Elliot, too manly to cry, but little inside and Camille, in duty and love, sheds enough tears for them both.

Lose the:

>Rather than crying she coldly stares

Change to

She releases a cold stare towards the cleaving couple, her face with twist of disgust.  

I think what I'm considering here, is an element of focus. As if, it were a picture. What seems important to me here are THE HANDS, and what they represent.

I was confused by the relationship of Elliot Straub to Mrs. Straub. Although I recognized the name when I read it, I had to go back and reread Elliot's introduction just to make sure.

If this is his mother, I'd write it in, but I'm guessing this might not be the right thing to do once a script is in its final stages.

(Note-- after reading and thinking, I don't know if his mother needs to be in the script at all. It just bogs it down. She's not significant).

What I feel here is the difficult question of introducing characters on the page in one go. I played with that in Flubox, trying to see how effective I could be with the whole lot 'round a meeting room table.

It might be a good time to discuss "eye poppers". I mean we have the cold stares, the crying, the sobs. It's all very obvious, but what else might we do here to define these people quickly and effectively as in maybe some subtle changes to the way this is done. Maybe:

FRANKLIN RICE, more brawn than brain, but his brain working overdrive. Bachman Turner Overdrive. (Keep reading, there's a reason for this aside).

Or could we try something completely different:

Introduce as:

FIVE MOURNERS, grieve over the gravestone of WILLIAN KING.

TWO with

Two hands SQUEEZED together, male and female - of CAMILLE KING AND ELLIOT STRAUB, both (20s) Oh!

What these hands exchange. And Elliot, too manly to cry, but little boy inside and Camille, in duty and love, sheds enough tears for them both.

ONE is MRS. KING (50s) She releases a cold stare towards the cleaving couple, her face a TWIST of disgust.  

FRANKLIN RICE (20s) more brawn than brain, but his brain's working overdrive. Bachman Turner Overdrive cause he's takin' care of business and working overtime. Even in the gu'damn cemetery.

and MRS. STAUB...

>Elliot’s entire world crashing.

Make it

their entire world crashing

Solid transition after the crash.

External focus should be shifted. I feel like you're writing
like a director. And I'm not even sure what a director does.

I would like to see Mrs. King's and Elliote's initial seed of conflict shown in flashback.

IOW: What makes her evil? Or him? Or everyone? And doesn't evil have a point? Afterall? Does it "Ring"? a bell? On that damned Cell?

>nurses (nurse's) station

This:

MRS. STRAUB
Careful! He’s my son.
Should be at the beginning.

If you want to include her. Maybe show her "caring" about him
and thus generate sympathy and connection.

I thought that this:

>EXT. STRAUB RESIDENCE

Elliot loads a shovel and a pickaxe into the back of a car.
Then he walks around to the driver’s side and gets in.
The car rolls backward down the driveway without benefit of
the engine or headlights. It hits the street and it comes
to life. The car zooms off.

Was completely a strong "eye popper" and I think it has both external and internal elements. I feel that it bears well. I can see it and feel it.

Try the music "Takin' Care of Business", Bachman Turner Overdrive. It came to me. Must be significant. Indeed. This is what he bloody well-hell intends to do here.

I know it's topsy turvy with the music thing, ah but what-the-hell. Gotta have some fun.

I can feel this strongly and clearly as intense and exciting.

I think we're dealing with problems in "tone" where I see something beautiful that might have been incorporated earlier.

Here:

FRANKLIN

I don’t need your company.

ELLIOT
You’re in a cemetery at night,
digging up a dead guy that you
believe you’re getting messages
from and you don’t need my
company?

It reads true to me within this context and in life as general. Many times in life, people might do seemingly absurd things that they tend to logify. This is one of those times. It's crazy and perfectly understandable at the same time.

Use this and put it into the first few minutes (pages).

Oops on the past tense:

>Elliot stared at her oddly.

I think that this is a piece on causality at its deepest levels.

Because it is such, I think we need to find a way to draw that
out a bit more.

There are some real brilliant moments in this, Michael.

Solid work!

Sandra

This came to me as a possible hook for this one, BTO. Bachman Turner Overdrive or: (Bring back the Orh- Orh means Light in Hebrew)

As related to this:

CAMILLE
It says, “It’s dark here, buddy.
I can’t see. Bring some light,
would you?”

You might want to figure out a way to integrate the "roar" in Orh, if you so desire, and thus, create a connection with "Bring Back The Orh (Light).

It's an angle you might like to work; so I thought I'd toss it in.

CAMILLE
It says, “It’s dark here, buddy.
I can’t see. Bring some light,
would you?”



I thought I'd offer this anywho-- what started as an aside, and I wondered why; so I just thought on it for awhile.

Hope it adds some flavor,

Sandra

Thanks Steven, Gary and Sandra for the read.  Happy you liked it.

Sandra,

I write like a director because that's how I think and that is my experience.  It would be difficult and uncomfortable to change that so I go with it.   But thanks for your comments, as always they are insightful.

As far as the music goes, I kind of like to leave that detail up to the actual director.  Have to give them something to do.  

Quoted from mcornetto Thanks Steven, Gary and Sandra for the read.  Happy you liked it. Sandra, I write like a director because that's how I think and that is my experience.  It would be difficult and uncomfortable to change that so I go with it.   But thanks for your comments, as always they are insightful. As far as the music goes, I kind of like to leave that detail up to the actual director.  Have to give them something to do.

I understand. It's a highly individual thing. That's why there is such diversity in the pro scripts as to "what is right". We can't always make that decision ourselves. And the only thing for certain in life is its uncertainty.

Sandra

Hey Michael, I see this is pretty much exactly like it was when I read it awhile back. I also see that you didn’t make many of the changes/corrections I pointed out.  Oh well, that’s cool.

I liked this for the most part.  I think I was losing interest, but your numerous twists in the last 10 pages really helped bring this back around. Flashback to the camping trip was well done, and really helped to bring this all into perspective.  Although I like how Mrs. King was there in the cemetery, I also don’t buy it, but it works for the story for sure.  Also well done, revealing Camille to still be alive.

Lots of elements that we’ve seen before (One Missed Call, etc.) but it still comes off as an interesting take on the genre.  I’m not sure that so much bloodshed would come from the fact that a guy cheated on his chick, but it was well executed and revealed along the way.

Biggest issue I have is that a lot of the dialogue and character’s actions just don’t seem real.  I couldn’t buy into a lot of what was going on and being said.  But again, overall, I did enjoy this.

As for Tanis, this isn’t one of my favorites, sorry to say.  Maybe it’s just that we’ve seen her so many times now. Not sure, but for some reason, she didn’t come across as well as she usually does.

Good effort here for sure.  I just wonder why all these Soul Shadows get so few reads.  I don’t get it, and it’s truly a shame.

Quoted from Dreamscale Hey Michael, I see this is pretty much exactly like it was when I read it awhile back. I also see that you didn’t make many of the changes/corrections I pointed out.  Oh well, that’s cool. I liked this for the most part.  I think I was losing interest, but your numerous twists in the last 10 pages really helped bring this back around. Flashback to the camping trip was well done, and really helped to bring this all into perspective.  Although I like how Mrs. King was there in the cemetery, I also don’t buy it, but it works for the story for sure.  Also well done, revealing Camille to still be alive. Lots of elements that we’ve seen before (One Missed Call, etc.) but it still comes off as an interesting take on the genre.  I’m not sure that so much bloodshed would come from the fact that a guy cheated on his chick, but it was well executed and revealed along the way. Biggest issue I have is that a lot of the dialogue and character’s actions just don’t seem real.  I couldn’t buy into a lot of what was going on and being said.  But again, overall, I did enjoy this. As for Tanis, this isn’t one of my favorites, sorry to say.  Maybe it’s just that we’ve seen her so many times now. Not sure, but for some reason, she didn’t come across as well as she usually does. Good effort here for sure.  I just wonder why all these Soul Shadows get so few reads.  I don’t get it, and it’s truly a shame.

I feel that some of the scripts in the Soulshadows series might meet with an evolutionary force that will polish them to perfection, but I see Soulshadows as being produced, given enough time and diligence to the work.

Sandra

Hi Michael, good job here. I read the script whilst listening to the IScript.

I liked the way you had the inciting incident in the past and we only get to that point through a flashback near the end of the script. You built the suspence really well by the mysterious text messages that only make sense once we see what happened between Bill and Elliot.

Elliot is a good protagonist. You care about him because he's trying to look after Camille and because his best friend's just died. The scene at the grave obviously points the suspicion at him and makes you think that he killed Bill. Although, as far as I took it, Bill's death was an accident? I thought how you switched the target of suspicion was clever and worked really well. It set-up the end.

Not a lot to critique in this really as I think you did a really good job. One minor detail I picked up on was your use of '...' when a character has been interrupted. As far as I know that should be '--'. Haha, I told you it was a minor detail!

Anyway, very enjoyable script with a lot of suspence.

Also, enjoyed Tanis by Bert and this is the first one where I've listened to the IScript, thought the reader did well with the characters.

Ste

Pia pointed me in the direction of this script - it is the first of the SoulShadows stories that I have read.

I am a big fan of the traditional ghost story - both in literary and cinematic forms. I'd much rather watch "Dead of Night" than "Dawn of the Dead" any day! When I started writing in the 1980s, this was very much the kind of thing I would produce (though not as good).

This particular story reminded me a lot of the sort of tale that you used to get in the TV show "Tales of the Unexpected" - indeed, I could see Roald Dahl producing this kind of dark short story!

It was a very nice read - it didn't seem to be 33 pages (I have read shorter scripts that have seemed much longer!), and it held together well as a story. The twist was perhaps not wholly original, but it still was not expected when it came (I had assumed a purely supernatural element would be revealed). The dialogue and characters were naturalistic and rang true, which helped you get into the story, which, of course, was not realistic and could have edged into hammy territory as so many stories of this kind do.

I would say that I felt the flashback needs a bit of work - personally, I wouldn't have bothered with the VO - it could have been presented as a silent or half formed version of events from the viewpoint of the drunken Franklin (with the snatches of dialogue heard as in a hallucination or dream), and still have worked well.

Also, I am not one hundred per cent convinced by the ending - would Franklin, even if he'd survived the attack, have been able to climb out of the grave (especially as he seemed from the description to have been buried below Elliott?).

And also - shouldn't the message to Mrs King have come from Elliott not Bill?

A couple of little niggles - you use the terms "Misses" a number of times instead of Mrs, and I wondered why?

Also, in Elliott's dream sequence, Bill has no pants on. Er - why?

But overall these are minor quibbles, and this was very enjoyable.

Thanks for the read and comments Jeff, ste, Niles.

Jeff,
I did make some of the changes you suggested but I don't think this is the version I made those changes in. I have a lot of versions of this on my pc and I think this is the next to the final one - mainly because I know I fixed some of those typos.

I think the reason you have problems with the dialogue is because Mrs King is supposed to have a European accent.  This is my fault, I use characters with accents and then forget to mention it.

As far as the unreality of the story goes, it's modeled after Hitchcock and that's why.

Ste,

I'll watch out for those --'s


Niles,

If you liked this, you should have a look at some of the other Soulshadows scripts as well.

I would have to agree with the comment about the Flashback - the idea I'm trying to get across is that Franklin is lying about what he saw that night. That's why the VO is about.

I think on paper this comes across as confusing but I think on screen it would work. Either way, I agree, it could use some tweaks.

Misses is how you would say Mrs. - It's bad form to use abbreviations in dialogue.

He isn't wearing pants because he wouldn't have been buried with them.  

I would have loved to have made the message from Elliot at the end, except the phone Elliot touches at the end was Bill's.

Thanks again for the comments.


  

Hi Michael

I must say that, until I read it here, I have never (as far as I can recall) ever seen Mrs written as Misses. You learn something new every day!

And the same with the idea of not being buried in his trousers!!! This is certainly not the case in UK, as far as I am aware. Just shows you how far cultural differences extend, doesn't it?

Hello Michael,

I've just finished your script.

I found your script enjoyable up to the crash scene.  That message received that Camille read out felt very supernatural.  

But thereafter I didn't quite enjoy the script.  It didn't have the overall feel of a supernatural story, except the ending.  It just felt like a lot of finger pointing and a lot of twists that build up towards the end.

Elliot also makes a lot of movements for someone whose got a fractured rib.

I suppose the ringtone was haunting Elliot but I just don't buy the jumping stuff.  Sounds like someone who'd jump when a car backfires and he doesn't strike me as the type.

I enjoyed Tanis again.

Overall, this didn't quite work for me.


Javier

I remember reading this. I was confused towards the ending at the graveyard with the mystery being solved. Didn't know how things really transpired, maybe you can explain a bit or if the explanation is on this thread let me know. Other than that, it went in a good pace and captured me as a reader. I liked how everything was revealing going towards the ending except I'm a bit confused on the ending. lol.  I can't wait for more soulshadow episodes to come.

Gabe

P.S. Tanis was great. Can't wait for her story.