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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Big Splash Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: September 13th, 2009, 1:14pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Big Splash by James Ernest - Short, Comedy - 2 Dudes on a mission - naked women. 1 page - pdf, format


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Niles_Crane
Posted: September 13th, 2009, 1:32pm Report to Moderator
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This is, in essence, a comedy sketch - I didn't find it funny, but then that won't mean others won't. Within the confines of the one page set up, it was at least structured properly. I have seen much longer scripts that weren't as cohesive!
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jayrex
Posted: September 13th, 2009, 1:39pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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It's a fair effort, not much to it as a one pager.  Obviously not to be taken seriously.  Is this for a competition elsewhere?  Is this Robert Brooks an actually person in your part of the world?

There's a few errors in there, especially the second Bobby in capitals instead of the first one.

JT.


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bert
Posted: September 13th, 2009, 2:00pm Report to Moderator
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Ha -- I went into this prepared to hate it and bitch about another 1-page "epic" as our old friend Balt calls 'em.

Instead, not too bad.  If this does not HAVE to be one page for some specific contest or other -- sometimes that is the case when we see these -- I would say to at least give this 2-3 pages to flesh out some of the action.

Keep it short.  It works that way.  But it is too condensed as it is.  Your punchline would be more effective with just a bit more meat here.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Brian M
Posted: September 13th, 2009, 3:47pm Report to Moderator
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This would work much better with a few extra pages before the punchline but as said, it's probably for a one page competition. I too, was expecting to hate this but it wasn't bad at all. I didn't laugh out loud, but it left me with a smile.

Decent effort, some will find this funny, others will hate it. I'm in the middle. Still, it's the best of the three shorts I've read today. Well done!
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harrietb
Posted: September 13th, 2009, 3:54pm Report to Moderator
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I think with a script this short, that the newsreader's bit is kind of wasted as it just repeats what we will have already seen on screen so you might be able cut that down a bit, or make better use of those few lines.

Best,

H


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Cam17
Posted: September 13th, 2009, 9:56pm Report to Moderator
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You don't give any descriptions for any of your characters.  You need to capitalize them when you introduce them.  I was hoping for a good punchline, but that never came.    I understand you're not really shooting for reality here, but a 700 foot fall?  They'd have to scoop what was left of the guy out of the pool with a net.

I don't mind really short ones like this at all, but they need to have a great twist which I think this didn't have.  I think a bit more tweaking this script and you might have something.


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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: September 13th, 2009, 10:20pm Report to Moderator
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James...

So, as I'm reading your short-- their should be no mistakes.  I can see if it was 120 pages--

but since you submitted your 1 page EPIC-- I'm compelled to give you some honest feedback.

Your use of wrylies.

Is there anything wrong with using them-- no.  But if your going to use them, do it properly.

Your first one is redundant to me.  Most of the time, the context of the given situation or your character's actions accomplishes the same thing.

Take this for instance...
                        BOBBY
         Here, take these binoculars...
               (Hands to him)
         ...you can see the Moons of Mars with them!
Hmm...

Without that wrylie there... WE still get it.  He's handing the binoculars to Jimmy.  

But if you insist on leaving it as is-- then make it read better.  (Hands to him) may sound a little confusing to some.  

Better yet-- make it an action line.  Bobby hands Jimmy the binoculars.

Oh, another thing.

You don't normally use wrylies to describe action.  If you can't describe it in a few words like this, "Kisses her hand," then you need to make it an action line.

Take this passage for instance...

( all four chicks lift their t-shirts To expose their breasts).  It should be an action line.  

No need to CAP that T either.

You should have CAP Bobby the first time and not the second.

Needless to say-- I didn't find it funny either.

For the good-- your formatting.

Good Luck,

Ghostwriter22







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ghost and_ghostie gal  -  September 13th, 2009, 11:22pm
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