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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short  ›  35 - Filmed! Moderators: bert
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SimplyScripts
Posted: September 19th, 2009, 7:10pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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35 by Sean Chipman (Mr. Blonde) - Short, Drama, Psych. Thriller - After committing an atrocious act, David must deal with the situation he created. 35 pages - pdf, format


35 by Sean Chipman (Mr. Blonde) - Short, Drama, Psych. Thriller - fter committing an atrocious deed, David has to face what he has done. 3 pages - fdr, format



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LC
Posted: September 19th, 2009, 7:23pm Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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Sean - a psych. thriller in three pages. I would like to read this but don't have FD. Possible you can re-upload in PDF?

Sorry to repeat - Shawn got in before me.


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Mr. Blonde
Posted: September 19th, 2009, 10:36pm Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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A) I cheated a bit. It's not a short story. It's the end sequence to a script I'm writing but I felt that it could stand on it's own if you follow it through.

B) This was my first upload, so if someone could explain how I could upload in PDF, I'll re-submit it.

-Thanks for at least looking. =)

P.S. It's not a psychological thriller. My next upload (also FDR is), but I wasn't sure what genre you'd classify a school shooting under...


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Niles_Crane
Posted: September 20th, 2009, 1:29am Report to Moderator
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Yeah, can't open fdr files either.

You should have a pdf export ("save as") facility if you are using any screenwriting software - especially FD. Once saved as a pdf you simply upload the file like any other.

Many of us can't open fdr files so if you want a good range of feedback, you do need to upload it in a format that can be accessed.
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: September 20th, 2009, 9:12am Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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Ok, I found what you're talking about, "Save as PDF". But, each time I try and save it, it comes up "The printer name is invalid."


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Niles_Crane
Posted: September 20th, 2009, 9:22am Report to Moderator
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Some of these software systems recognise pdf export as a function of the printing setup (in the same way as you can "print to file" when you have no printer attached).

I assume that you are using Final Draft as purchased from them? In which case I suggest you contact them to ascertain the solution to the problem!

Alternatively you could use one of the many free writing softwares available - either on websites like Zhura or FiveSprockets, or a download like Celtx - all of which have pdf export built into them.

Or finally, you could just download a free pdf exporter, and use word and then convert your doc file as a pdf. The Open Office suite has a built in pdf export feature which you don't even have to be online for! You wouldn't need to use word then at all.

Actually, you could upload a word doc to ss with your work on, as most of us should be able to open these one way or the other.

I bet you're glad you asked now!
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: September 20th, 2009, 9:49am Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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I understand all of that, but I'm just wondering about Word and Open Office (as I've used both many a time), they don't keep the screenwriting format when I send it over to them.

Maybe I'll just try one of those online things. =)

-Thanks.


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alffy
Posted: September 20th, 2009, 11:03am Report to Moderator
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I use PrimoPDF, it's free and you simply go to print, select printer as PDF and bingo, finaldraft to pdf.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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harrietb
Posted: September 20th, 2009, 1:35pm Report to Moderator
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I have Final Draft so was able to read this.

There were a couple of things that interrupted the flow in the reading for me:

It opens in an empty room. yet it goes on to say ...

"The only person is a white male, DAVID CARLISLE (16). He is not wearing a shirt and is sitting at a desk angled differently than the others."

I'd lose the empty room in the description, and address exactly what David is wearing, if it's important - is he bare-chested, wearing a t-shirt, vest?


The following line was confusing

"David presses play on the MP3 and the song �Today� by The Smashing Pumpkins plays. There is now no audible sounds or..."

I don't know what we would be hearing here.


As for the story,






SPOILER ALERT





It's obviouus that David has set out to be victim 35 (if we can call him that) but I didn't get the sentimentality regardig the photo of Vincent with David, and the hand touching his chest, if David has just killed his one time best friend.

The number 35 is obviously of signiificance, as is the timing, since he watches the clock until it passes two, but I'm not sure what that is, as it doesn;t really lead anywhere.

As it is, I felt it was a well described scene but found there was no emotional bond for the character, his actions had no motive, and his having no bullets in his gun was immaterial given his murder spree, unless he really  was a victim and had gone out to face the police under duress or as a self-sacrifice to save someone else, but that's not in the story.

best,

H


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jayrex
Posted: September 20th, 2009, 2:04pm Report to Moderator
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Hello Sean,

This isn't the first script I've read with no dialogue.  Saying that, the story was very thin and not much to it.  Not sure what you're aim was but given that the audience are thrown into David's world, I'd think we'd discover the reasons behind his motives.

Other than that, you could do with cutting back on too many details, e.g.:


Quoted from text
David leans over to check the clock and it is now 7 seconds past 2:00.


Seven seconds seems a tad excessive on the detail front and useless to point out.

The Female in the hall is referred as 'it' instead of her.

There's a lot of 'is' words which can be eliminated.  I could go on but I'll leave it.

What's with all these numbers?  If it's suppose to mean something, I've missed your point.

All the best,


Javier


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Mr. Blonde
Posted: September 20th, 2009, 3:29pm Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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Thanks guy, for the info. I understand it was very thin and took a chance putting it out here, knowing that by itself, it's not a short story.

I'll remove it and when I get the whole story done, I'll put it up that way.

-Thanks.


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Niles_Crane
Posted: September 21st, 2009, 10:03pm Report to Moderator
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Finally got round to taking a look.

In itself, it is perfectly well written, if perhaps a little over detailed here and there. But I think that, as you yourself state it is the end of a script, that it would be better to post the whole thing, as on it's own it doesn't really have much meaning.

Forgetting what you have written here, think of the audience watching this. What does it mean to them? A boy wanders through a high school where there has been a massacre. He walks outside and it is revealed he has a gun - so we assume he is the killer. He commits suicide by cop. The end.

As we don't know who he is, or why he has done these things, we can have no emotional connection to the story. There is the fact that he is obviously close to one of the victims - Vincent has a photo of the pair as younger boys which he carries on him. But, it should be said, if they appear much younger in the picture, we would not necessarily be aware that the pair are Vincent and David.

Technically, from a formatting point of view, it seems fine (though to leave off DAY or CONTINUOUS from the EXT scene at the end - but this is very minor). As I say, you do get a bit over detailed at points (and as mentioned above) - things like "7 seconds past 2.00" and you could just say he rips the duct tape and tosses it on the floor without the extra detail.

Otherwise, however, not bad - but as I say, I'd rather read the full script.
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: September 21st, 2009, 10:13pm Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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When I finish, it'll go up. Been working on it for close to 4 years.

Just to fill in the blanks for now, as I know what they are:

**SPOILERS**

In the story, there is no reason for it given. None. The story begins at the beginning of this very day.

The victim he's close to is his brother. Before the massacre, he texted for his brother to come to the bathroom where he was and chloroformed him. But, another student, hiding from the shooting went into the bathroom and saw him there. Woke him up and David accidentally killed his brother which set up the scene that I invariably put up here.

**END SPOILERS**

So, the real point is that I'd like to get this done and getting this script up here in PDF was mainly a test so I can do this every time now.

-Thanks for reading. =)


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Mr. Blonde
Posted: September 21st, 2009, 10:39pm Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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Quoted from alffy
I use PrimoPDF, it's free and you simply go to print, select printer as PDF and bingo, finaldraft to pdf.


I completely skipped over this. Thank you very much, Alffy.

Just tried it now and it worked beautifully. =)


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Angry Bear
Posted: October 8th, 2009, 6:06pm Report to Moderator
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Scream For Me!!!

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Hey Sean,

I had a couple of minutes left over today and thought I might give a short a read.

I've read over the other comments and I have this strange feeling I read something completely different. There is one version listed at 3 pages and one at 35. The one I read was 12...

On to the story.

I felt the writing was fine and well broken up. However, I would have preferred present tense (I know. I know...) and I think you can also skip the word "and" to get a tighter crisper script.

The story, I did find sort of intriguing. I had no problem following it due to lack of interest. I only had a few very small gripes. Things like, it didn't feel right to have him yawn and stuff then punch the mirror and then yawn some more. Usually when you punch something you end up quite awake even if you just punched a mirror.

I also thought Heather must have heard the shots when he shot Vincent and Michelle and wouldn't just sitting there on the couch waiting to see what happens next.

So good job. Can use a bit of tweaking, but nothing much. Btw, the logline is what made me chose yours.

Pia  


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