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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Spooked Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: September 20th, 2009, 1:39pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Spooked by Matt Thompson (dark shape) - Horror - After a college prank goes wrong, a fervent teen wreaks havoc on the classmates involved by bringing a haunted house to life. 92 pages - pdf, format


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Dark Shape
Posted: September 20th, 2009, 6:32pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm, I must've forgotten to type something in my late-night insomnia.  This is a horror/comedy - don't expect anything uber-dark here.
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jackx
Posted: September 26th, 2009, 3:04am Report to Moderator
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Pretty good script for the genre.  Read pretty easy, the characters were entertaining.
Few things I noticed:
Wasn’t missie fat?  Wouldn’t Trevor notice the difference?
Cassie was a pretty cool character, a bit more depth than the average horror movie chick
The intense haunted house was a little unbelievable.  Revolving doors, water pits, bridges?  All set up in a dorm?  Maybe in an old building no longer used by the school would be better.  And maybe take some of the setups down a notch.  Even with all Sandras money there would be some architectural limitations.
Mindys character was a little sympathetic to be dicked around like she was.  Maybe make her more villainous, or just nasty/slutty so we don’t feel bad for her.
Grim reaper is a little uncreative.  Not that I have a better idea, but its not too original.
The dialogue is pretty good, mostly believable and occasionally funny.
Why would ian bother rescuing Trevor in the pool?  also why was ian attacked with a garrot?  I can see it working as misdirection, but in the truth of the story it doesnt make much sense.
Nice job with the camcorder instead of flashbacks, a little more interesting that way.
I like the ending, good reveal, makes sense given the characters, but wasn't totally obvious.  Also the crazy hot girl is fun.  A little work to straighten out the story and make some of it more believable and itll be pretty damn good.


Mine:
HARD CASE
            (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...

APU
            (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
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Dark Shape
Posted: September 28th, 2009, 4:51pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read, jackx

And in case anybody's browsing the thread to check for feedback, please ignore this post, as it deals with pretty big SPOILERS...

Just to clarify a couple things:


Quoted Text
Wasn’t missie fat?  Wouldn’t Trevor notice the difference?


Yeah, and I went back and forth in my head.  I ended up defying logic to go for the laugh.  I may go back and change her weight for the sake of consistency, though.


Quoted Text
Why would ian bother rescuing Trevor in the pool?  also why was ian attacked with a garrot?  I can see it working as misdirection, but in the truth of the story it doesnt make much sense.


It deals with a line Cassie has at the end.  

CASSIE
Do whatever we can to confuse them,
to make them hate each other. To
scare the hell out of them. And
then we finish it.

Essentially, they're doing whatever they can to scare the living hell out of them before actually killing them.  And the Ian-garrot scene is purely so Sandra and the audience don't figure it out ahead of time.  I tried to set it up a little bit with an exchange on page 33:

IAN
We’re in public! What’s wrong with
your camera?

CASSIE
Those jackasses broke it when they
knocked me down.

IAN
Does it still work?

CASSIE
Yep, we’re good for the big night.

Obviously that's not something most people would pick up on until a second read, but it's how I tried to justify the set-up.  It was all part of their plan to keep suspicion off of Ian by having potential survivors see the footage of him being strangled.

Once again, thanks so much.  You've confirmed just about every potential issue I had with this draft, so it's soon off to rewrite land...


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