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  Author    Windsor Valley  (currently 4155 views)
Don
Posted: September 25th, 2009, 4:16pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Windsor Valley by Shawn D. Kelley (Shawnkjr) - Horror, Drama - The Windsor Valley Monster. The infamous, town urban legend becomes a terrible reality for down-on-his-luck, Sunny. Not only has his girlfriend fallen out of speaking terms with him but people around him are being ripped to shreds by the mysterious predator. Will he be able to escape the clutches of the vicious beast or perish saving his estranged girlfriend? 97 pages - pdf, format


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Shawnkjr
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Thanks for getting this up. This has been completed for a while. Want to start working on another rewrite soon. Any reviews would be greatly appreciated.


Scarefest 2 presents: Home Malone - Short/Horror http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1220187087/
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***SPOILER ALERT***
Do not read if you have not finished the script.


REVIEW: PART 1


Rating scale: 1 – 10

Formatting – 7
Plot – 7 1/2
Characters – 8
Dialogue –  8
Overall – 7

A lot of the guidelines I reference for script formatting can be found in “The Screenwriter’s Bible,” by David Trottier. A must read.


I’m so happy that you’ve taken the time to learn the craft of screenwriting. Please keep writing and getting your work out there. I really look forward to seeing your movies on the screen someday. Don’t forget to register each script you write with the WGA. Registration is easy, instantaneous, and only costs twenty bucks. I would hate to see all of your hard work stolen from you. Always include your WGA number on the front page, bottom left corner of each script you write.


Grammar – A lot of your sentence structure is very convoluted. Try to simplify your descriptions. A lot of your sentences could be rewritten and simplified. I know how hard it is when you’re writing and just trying to get the idea out to worry about grammar, but it helps the reader flow with the story. Like Hemmingway said “Nothing is written, it is only rewritten.”

Plot: I would have liked to see more about the legend of the creature. A little blurb by Nahj wasn’t enough to satisfy my curiosity.  Also, the creature’s defeat just seemed too easy. Yes, there were two of them, but a crowbar to the eye? If you had developed the legend of the creature you would have found a weakness which could have been exploited.

Character Arc: Kira’s reconciliation with Sunny didn’t flow with me. There was no reason why she should have suddenly taken him back. Also, there wasn’t much character growth for anybody, even Sunny. If his character growth of going from being a p u s s y to a tough guy had impacted Kira’s decision to take him back, it all would have tied in very nicely. As it is, it doesn’t fit.

Characters: I liked em’. Each and every one. You know who I would have liked to see more of? Joey. Why the hell didn’t he have a bigger part. You introduce someone who is just great for creating drama at the very end? He should have been part of the cast from the beginning. Also, Nahj, or Tahj, whatever. He sort of snuck into the script last minute and then snuck out. He didn’t deserve such a memorable death.

My final opinion: I liked it. It was ten times better than most ammie (amateur) scripts I read, but you still have a ways to go. Fix all your grammar mistakes before posting your work. Screenwriters don’t have the luxury of an editor. That’s right, we have to fix our grammar ourselves. And we also have to fix all of our minor mistakes. Your script was littered with tiny mistakes. Not enough to get a producer to pass on it if they really liked it, though.

Page 1 – You can remove the title from the 1st page. Leave it on the title page.

Page 1 – For your character descriptions you should avoid specific details about their physical appearance. Leave casting to the casting director, as they say. Instead try to focus on their traits or other characteristics to describe them.

Page 2 – “…revealing a bright yellow, faded Tom & Jerry T-shirt.” This sentence structure is convoluted and takes away from the point. You could easily simplify it by removing extraneous details. For example: Gerry drops her arms, revealing a faded Tom & Jerry T-shirt. If you’re ever wondering whether your sentence sounds readable, just remember the acronym K.I.S.S. Keep it simple stupid.

Page 2 – Ooh, I really like your description of her neck. It’s just her spine and a chunk of flesh. Good visual!

Page 2 – Tom’s reaction is not genuine at all. He would not bolt out of the car and try to find out what killed Linda. Not even the toughest of men would f u c k with something that, unless they had a gun. If you really wanted him to get out of the car, you could have Gerry keep pestering him to check on Linda because she was getting worried. That would be more believable.
     It might even be scarier if after he leaves the car and Gerry is alone, is when Linda’s body falls on the car, unbeknownst to Tom, of course. It would heighten the suspense of what is about to happen to Tom.

Page 3 – “Behind Tom, a outlining that can barely be made out.” Should be, “Behind Tom, an outline which can barely be made out.”
“…slowly grows to prominence.” That is an awkward statement. Vague, also. “A course, inhuman breathing radiates from the creature. Something like that.

Page 4 – Nice twist. Now I see why Tom got out of the car, even though it’s still not believable.

Page 4 – Siyx’s dialogue is not very good. “..after she saw her boyfriend killed to death…” You mean ‘ripped to shreds’ or something of the sort?

Page 4 – In your character descriptions you should leave out exact age. Once again, leaving casting details to the casting director.

Page 6 – As the sun cast(s)…

Page 7 – I really like how you break up the dialogue with beats of action. It makes it a much more fluid read.

Page 13 – You don’t need to redo the scene heading once it’s been established. You can just use MOMENTS LATER as a slugline. You actually don’t even need to reestablish the scene heading, you could have just continued the action.

Page 18 – Funny dialogue. “Last time I checked he wasn’t lodged in my ass crack.”



DUST AND ROSES - (Western) 7 Pages

SUNDAY IS THE WORST DAY TO DIE OF THE PLAGUE - (Drama) 12 Pages

THE GHOST OF JOHN (Horror) 94 Pages
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electricsatori
Posted: October 13th, 2009, 3:31am Report to Moderator
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REVIEW: PART 2

Page 20 – Your slugline reads EVENING. I don’t know any high school classes which are at night.

Page 24 – TEETH EXPLODE should not be capitalized. Only scene headings, first appearance of characters, and specific sounds should be in CAPS. In an action scene you can sometimes use action beats as scene headings, but that is an exception.

Page 27 – Candlelit.

Page 29 – I liked the golden retriever, it perhaps would have made more sense if it was Kevin, also, more impactful.

Page 31 – The reveal. I think it would have made more sense if Sunny had just been distant, preoccupied with his guilt – instead of immediately telling her. Although, it does fit his character’s personality to tell her. Just like in life, if it is never going to happen again, and was an accident, he should live with the guilt. It would heighten the tension every time Crystal was in a scene with them, ‘is she gonna tell, is she not?’ It builds tension to not reveal immediately.
Also, young schoolgirls are naïve. She probably would have caused a scene, but not broken up with him. They LOVE drama. I know that’s a generalization but it was wholly my experience in high school.

Page 36 – You do not need to put KOBASHI’S POV. These, like camera angles and directions, should be left up to the discretion of the director when he rewrites the script for the production draft. Specific POV’s which illustrate a unique perspective are the exception. Like, the Terminator or Predator.

Page 37 – You lost a little bit of my enthusiasm for the script when the creature wrapped around her face. It felt like too much of an ALIEN rip-off.

Page 39 – Sara should be asking about ‘their’ dad, not his dad.

Page 40 – Profanity is something a ten-year old is not comfortable with, yet. Gravy butt might be more believable.

Page 43 – You have constant song references in your script. You should not be specific about songs in your spec script. Allow the director to envision what song he would put there. Instead, when setting a tone with music just use general descriptions.

Page 45 – You shouldn’t bold and underline your sentences. Nor should you capitalize an entire sentence.

Page 46 – She squeezed herself into a locker? Besides not being very believable, it eliminates her running madly for her life, which is crucial when a monster is chasing someone in a horror script. Although, I have to say, you get ten points for originality on that one, never seen it before.

Page 48 – “…talking to me like that.” Should be “…talking to me like that?”

Page 48 – 49 – I still don’t think Kira’s reaction is believable. I mean, yes, he f u c k e d up royally, but it just seems too mature for someone her age. It takes decades to develop the complex psychological mechanisms which lead to jaded hate, most teenagers just don’t have it in them. Not unless they’ve been through severe trauma in their earlier, formative years.
Besides, the scene doesn’t further the plot unless there is a change in the character arc.

Page 51 – Children getting killed in a horror flick. It’s risqué. For me, I don’t like it. It’s not to say it doesn’t work, but there should be meaning to it, deep meaning. I don’t feel like an audience would really jibe with that. Kids are something pure. And a Western audience likes nothing more than a bad person getting their just desserts. Sure, in the Friday the 13th movies teenagers were killed left and right, but don’t forget, they were engaging in extra-marital sex – which immediately makes them a target for the bad guy.

Page 53 – I don’t think Sunny would preface ‘What happened,” with “Oh geez.” It doesn’t fit.

Page 61 – He walks over and sits next to Siyx.

Page 76 – Kira’s sudden attitude change towards Sunny doesn’t jibe. Why? She hates him, she hates him, and then, BOP! sudden change. There was nothing in her character arc which would explain it. If Sunny did something for her, something sweet, then it would be believable.

Page 77 – Mike’s comment about Siyx’s name. It’s about time someone said it! Haaa!

Page 79 – It was Mike’s time to die. Start killing your principal’s, it’s all right, let em’ go.

Page 81 – Sunny might not preface “Can you stand,” with “No shit,” to a girl who’s just been traumatizes so badly.

Page 96 – The ending. Decent. Sunny defeating the creature seemed too easy, even though there were more than one of them, it still seemed as though a crowbar to the eye wouldn’t kill it, especially if it wasn’t afraid to devour a gym full of teenagers in the middle of public. It would have to be pretty tough.

Overall, I thought the script was an enjoyable read. Although, the character development was not completely believable. Also, the means to defeat the creature should have been part of the plot.


DUST AND ROSES - (Western) 7 Pages

SUNDAY IS THE WORST DAY TO DIE OF THE PLAGUE - (Drama) 12 Pages

THE GHOST OF JOHN (Horror) 94 Pages
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Shawnkjr
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Wow! Thanks a lot for the very thorough review. It will help so much. I appreciate it.

I will definitely go more into the background of the creature for rewrites and I had already planned on lengthening the finale.  Glad you liked the characters. In most horror movies with teenagers they're arguing threw it all and its annoying so i wanted these to actually like each other and be believable as friends. Introducing Joey earlier on would be pretty interesting.
Glad you enjoyed it mostly and thanks for pointing out mistakes and things you enjoyed page by page.  

-Shawn


Scarefest 2 presents: Home Malone - Short/Horror http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1220187087/
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Scoob
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Hi Shawn,

Apologies for the late review. Hope some of this will help or just encourage you as I had a good time with this one.
Sorry for the possible repetition!

SPOILERS

2> Like the description of no neck and just the spine!
3> Love the visual idea of Gerry being taken so quickly out the car window - and the freeze frame moment where we cut to the next scene.

4-5> Like the way you turned the opening into a story being told by Mike. The early dialogue between the bunch is good. Solid start.

5-7> Siyx seems to be the more quiet one. Sunny and Kira are a couple. Mike the possible joker of the group. Something moves across the water in an instant. Hmmm. Doubt it will end up being just a fish.

8> I laughed out loud when Siyx dropped the book into the fire! Good banter here. (Mike: to/too?)

12> Took me by surprise when Sunny was "taken by surprise". Nice descriptions. ( A little unsure about the breathing from before line? )

13> When Kira presses against the window I was a little confused at first because I thought she was facing it - looking for help outside. The scene makes sense when the window explodes and the dream finishes I could see it more clearly but maybe just say she presses back against the window? Otherwise, a good scene and looks like Mike's joke/story got her thinking!

16> Nice way of introducing Sara with the song on the radio. Cute little scene.
16-25> Really good and amusing dialogue going on here. You have a nice build up of characters and so far they are individual enough to remember and they are easy to imagine.
*Wow. Kevin's demise comes out of NOWHERE! Not that the "bite" wouldn't hurt, but gotta love the head hitting the dock on the way down - ouch!

33> Thought the Sunny confession to Kira comes across as a very genuine and well written scene. You've created quite a drama with this incident. It's going to be interesting to see what happens next.

37> Definitely have me intrigued with the figure running into the woods and then Kobashi's fete. Nice visual of Kevin and it's pretty sick stuff. Awesome I wonder who this figure running into the woods could be?

40> I like that Sara of all people is the one to get Sunny motivated to winning back Kira! More excellent dialogue again, made me smile.
43> The sound of Kobashi's heels creeping Siyx out leading to the scene in the car park is more well written action. You did a good job here with the tension. It's got me wondering what is going on - looks like a possible Invasion of the body snatchers situation mixed with some monster on the loose!

Same page and more funny quips. About time I should mention how great the pages look. Writing looks minimal but it is certainly effective.

45> Best scene so far. Great moments of suspense and action. Real page turning stuff here!
48> (WORST - WORSE?)
50 - 52> Uh oh...Kevin's bike appearing from nowhere is creepy as hell. Adds to the concern for Sara. Weird - but I like it!
Wow. I did not see that coming! It's a rarity that we have a victim like this - the most innocent and nicest character being bumped off. Makes it more horrific so well done.

55> Great job dealing with the immediate aftermath. The mothers reaction, the radio playing Sara's song in the car and showing Mike and Sunny in much more sombre mood.
59> Siyx explains that her mother didn't believe what happened to her? The van is damaged and the gym door windows were broken and the school wont believe that yet four murders happened the same night? Hmmm. Not sure what to make of that one.
I really like the Nahual concept. Looking forward to how this all plays out.

75> Awesome scene with Tahj. Enjoyed the build up and pay off.
79> Gore galore!
88> Just pausing here to note things are moving really quickly playing out really well. Really enjoying the dialogue and the field scenes and the snack bar are easy to imagine. Great stuff!
90> Joey gets his comeuppance! What a way to go.
91> (TO LATE - TOO LATE)
92> Might be a small thing that's otherwise explained by having one of the doors opened from the collision but how did Siyx end up at the dock?
93> The small scene with the raft and the black oozy form the creature takes reminded me a little of a segment from "creepshow 2". Loved Siyx's demise.
And the ending - oh yes, I like the ending.


Really liked this one Shawn. It has the right amount of slow build and character development that I enjoy. It moves forward at a good pace, picks up even more towards the end and continues right until the end. The more dramatic storyline of Sunny and Kira could have dragged this down if you didn't handle it in the right way but I felt you kept it bubbling and interesting. It therefore made the horror of the creature much more intense when it popped up to do it's thing. So I give you a lot of credit for mixing in the two so well.

The story is relatively simple on paper and would probably fit right in amongst the teen horror genre. Not to say this is a rehash of any of those - I think this is superior - but it seems to have that type of feel and looks like this is what you were aiming for. What separates it from most of those in my opinion is the slower build up, the brutal killings ( in particular one 12 year old girl ) and a much more interesting and darker script all round.
I see this is an alternative ending and don't know what happened before but presume it was a happier one? This ending fits perfectly. I wasn't too impressed with the creature's demise, it seemed all a bit too easy. So the finale was much more satisfying. Not that I wanted to see the two bite the dust, far from it, but it just gives it more an impact and one the story deserves.

All the characters were good. All served a purpose and all came across realistically for the most part. I really enjoyed the dialogue - at times a split second before I read what they were about to say I was thinking the same thing so I kinda related to them and the situations they were in. Sunny and Kira's relationship worked really well. It seems more central to the plot than the creature - until that decides to appear - which in turn made you more concerned about them when the story reaches its climax.
Not to say I didn't think Sunny was a bit of a wet blanket at times. But that's his character, and it breaks from the normal tough guy always in your face type or the nerd that gets the girl. By the time he turns up at the prom, despite his bad luck ( bit of an understatement ) he does emerge as the hero. At least, for a while. I thought the ending worked because he seemed to have defeated the creature and overcome his demons that were possibly holding him back - his father who he had never met yet had been told died heroically is why he had the tags I guess. But I do prefer the ultimate ending - a lot more fulfilling.

Siyx ( curious name choice ) and Mike were funny. Sara was cute. Kira felt real. Never disliked any of them - apart from Joey who was obviously there to be hated anyway. There was even some backstory for Kobashi and Kevin so I applaud you for giving even the smaller characters depth.
Tahj's inclusion seemed a little convenient I guess and I didn't really care too much about him because of his lack of time but I know why he was there and you still did a good job with him, with his sister backstory and all. Plus his explanation of the creature helps to make sense of what has happened before and what will happen in future.

Gore was great. You didn't go over the top with it yet you made a real mess out of some of these people. They were all creative and very, very nicely handled. I particularly like the locker room death for some reason - just seemed like a great visual and something out of an early Elm Street movie. The creature itself - definitely digged it. Had to look it up on google as I've heard of shapeshifters before but not the Nuhaul. Very interesting stuff. I liked how you used it - never describing in too much detail what the thing actually looked like apart from a form, a shape of darkness. Despite Tahj's research on the creature, I also enjoyed that you never really gave it a definite motive. It's got a good one in that it's not too happy about the development on it's land, but its not as if that's the only explanation and I enjoyed that you never delved into it more than was needed.

There were some witty dialogue in here that I really liked. The banter with Mike especially was funny. All of the characters seemed real and as you got to know them, spoke in their own voice which again is credit to you. This helped a great deal, made the script really come to life and it was easy to visualize everything. It was just like watching a movie, I cant really give a much higher compliment than that.
Hope not to repeat myself here but the pace was great. At the start I had no idea what to expect and as we were heading off the camp, I thought we might be in for a crystal lake massacre job so was excited to see you went a different route. I never really knew what to expect next and the slow build up really paid off.
Writing is excellent. Use of descriptions was ace. I have no problems with the structure, thought it all looked great on the page. Reminded me of your 8 x 10 script in places, which I also enjoyed.

So in conclusion, I really enjoyed this!

All the best

Malc



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Shawnkjr
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Thanks so much for the read and review. Glad you enjoyed it.  


SPOILERS:


Quoted Text
I see this is an alternative ending and don't know what happened before but presume it was a happier one?


There are 3 different endings that I wrote. None of them are particularly "happy".

The 1st one: This one ended with a twist. everything is exactly the same as it is now. After Sunny defeats the creature he and Kira embrace. Kira starts giggling bizarrely. She looks up at Sunny revealing black eyes. Her faces slashes heal and she kills Sunny. Its revealed that the REAL Kira dies in the limo attack and a second creature replaces her from the limo attack onward. This is probably why Kira still has little dialogue in the last act of the script.

The 2nd one: Is in the posted script. I found this fit best overall though I'm still not completely satisfied with any of the endings.

The 3rd one: At one point in the script Kira looks at a pregnancy test and it reads negative. In this version it was positive. In the end Kira and Siyx survive. Sunny dies (He has a slightly different and longer version of Siyx's death scene.) Together they defeat the creature. Then there's a Epilogue That picks up a year or so later. Sunny's mom watches Kira's baby son while Kira and Siyx go out. When they get back they find the house empty and dark. They follow the baby's cries to the dark nursery room. Kira picks up the baby and Sunny's dog tags which were lost in the water when he died are wrapped around the baby's arm. Sunny slowly fades into view behind Kira and Siyx with blacked out eyes holding a candle. He says something creepy and blows out the candle. BLACK as the girls scream in terror. The End. I didn't use this one because I thought it was sorta corny and overlong.

Elated that you enjoyed the characters. I think I should perhaps introduce Tahj and Joey earlier.
I was surprised at how much positive you had to say. Thanks alot for the advise and your thoughts. Really appreciated.

-Shawn


Scarefest 2 presents: Home Malone - Short/Horror http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1220187087/
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directoboy12
Posted: April 17th, 2010, 10:34pm Report to Moderator
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This was pretty good. I read it in one sitting, the 97 pages really flew by. I really enjoyed how you mixed a soap opera-esque high school story with an ooey gooey monster movie. All the characters were thought out and had their own voices. The dialog was snappy and quick witted without being too derivative. The only problems I really had was that the origin of the monster was too vague. I think you could've found a more interesting way for them to research the monster rather than using the internet...it seemed to easy. You have some really good scenes of suspense but in a couple of scenes I think the tension could've been higher. When Kevin is killed it somewhat just happens there is no suspenseful build up. The same for when Sunny sleeps with Crystal, there could've been more sexual tension. Maybe Sunny could reject her at first, but then give in. Other than that it was pretty great and better than most of the horror movies that have recently been released.

-Tanner


Check out my Script:

Feature:
"Candy: Inspired by the Houston Mass Murders"
Horror, Drama - 15 year old drunkard Wayne Henley gets caught up in procuring his teenage friends for a serial killing psychopath. 117 pages

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directoboy12  -  April 18th, 2010, 10:00am
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Shawnkjr
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Tanner! Hey, man. Welcome back.

Thanks for giving this one a read. Glad you enjoyed it.

Most people have said that the monster's origins are too vague. You're not the only one. But someone also said that they liked that not too much was given away. I will try to incorporate more monster back-story whenever I decide to do a rewrite. About the research...I guess the internet is a bit too easy but I didn't want that to take up a major part of the script. I guess I coulda had them go to the old, dark town library and look at microfiche slides(lol) or have and all knowing crazy ralph character but I decided against it.
I was never satisfied with Kevin's actual death. It looked better in my head than how it is on paper.
Thanks for the read. Your script Apocalypse was one the 1st I read on the site. I'll take a look at your new script Candy when I get the time. Later.

-Shawn


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Yeaster
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How's it going?

For starters, this was a really quick and easy read. I kept saying "ok, I'll take a break when I get to page ______" but the pages just rolled through.


ANOTHER THING


Have I read this before?? Some of the characters felt really familiar, especially Siyx. It must've been a much, much older version though.

Some things I jotted down.




P19
----
SUNNY
Happy birthday, babe.
Kira moves in for a tight embrace.

KIRA
Thanks so much.

SUNNY
I love you.


Maybe you could merge "Happy birthday, babe." with "I Love you." It sounds more realistic, imo. Then Kira/Sunny can kiss and part, and

so forth. Just a random thought.

Likewise, at the very beginning, when Mike and Siyx are talking about Kira's "code", I don't think you need that little bit in which

Siyx explains to him that it's code-speak. It's already obvious. :p I think you could have Mike ask "Why does she always crave
fettucini?", and just end it there.

---

p21

KEVIN
The divorce...it's been hard on me
too, Mom.

She scoffs.

MRS. KOBASHI
(sarcastic)
Oh...I bet.

KEVIN
I said I was sorry.

She sighs.

MRS. KOBASHI
Go home.

Maybe an alt could be:

KEVIN
I know. I'm sorry.

She scoffs.

MRS. KOBASHI
Go home, Kevin.

And just continue from there. That way (in addition to the rest of the sequence) it's implied that she's going through marriage

problems and it's having a negative affect on Kevin as well, without having to outright state it.

----

p27

KIRA
I like bananas.

SIYX
You like Sunny's banana.

lmao!

----

p51

Whoa. This is 'The Grudge' type shit, haha. Cool image.

----

p59

A very dreary looking Siyx sits at computer at the far end. A
hoody covers her head. She waits as a printer slowly puts out
pages.

Did you mean to be "the" in the first sentence?

----

p62

KIRA
If this thing has been out there
for so long...why is just happening
now?

Missing a 'this'?

----

p87

"Mike looks back. The creature is seconds away. Mike grabs
Carla moves to the window. Mike dives into it. He makes it
though clean. Siyx goes to the window and puts out her hand."

And you mean to include "and" in between 'grabs' and 'Carla'?

----

p92

She gets to her feet - takes off, sprinting down the dock.
The creature is on her. She reaches the edge and dives into
the lake. She swims out as fast as she can.

She reaches FOR the edge?

----

p93

A powerful SLAM from below! The raft tilts and raises out of
the water. Siyx is sent FLYING through the air. The lands
back in the lake.

I think the "The" at the last sentence should be a "Then".





The story, as it stands now, is quite enjoyable. I LOL'd at just about everything Siyx said, and the other characters all had their moments as well. Sara was really quirky despite her limited screentime. The dialogue was very well done although in a few instances the characters explained things that we (the audience) already knew in great detail.

I do think your story has potential to be even better than it is now.

These are just some random ideas, so take them with a grain of salt.  

Anyway, I think Tahj is introduced too late. That scene is good, but I think it should happen earlier. Somewhere within the first 30 or so pages, I think:

> the drama between Crystal/Kira/Sunny should happen and Sunny and Kira become estranged
> Sara and Crystal should die

Sara's and Crystal's deaths could somewhat serve to bring Sunny and Kira closer together gradually over the coarse of the story. Like, maybe both Sunny and Kira (individually) have suspicions that the deaths happened as a result of a supernatural entity, but can't prove it, and when they (separately) try to reach out to authority, they are pretty much pushed aside, making it apparent that the town has a secret of some sort. Maybe Sunny's and Kira's "weird behavior" causes them to be ostracized from their friends + family, and Kira learns that the only person who she can really trust is her cheating ex, whom she despises. But anyway, both of them are awkward around each other, for Sunny still likes Kira and she does as well, though she tries to play it tough -- but both realize that they have to swallow their pride and work together if they want to save their town. Anyway, when they go to the library to research the monster that Mike mentioned, Tahj could overhear their conversation, and the scene can go on from there. Maybe most of the story could be about Kira/Sunny/Tahj trying to figure out a)what the creature is b) where did it come c) why is it attacking the town and d) how to stop it, if it can be stopped? Perhaps along the way the creature could try to get to Sunny/Kira by attacking/trying to kill all of their friends, but the friends who do survive, join up with Sunny/Kira and they can all try to uncover the mystery behind the foe/try to stop it together -- as well as overcome their own interpersonal drama.

Oooor...something like that, haha. That was just a random thought that popped in my head. Your story could be fine as it as, but I just wanted to throw in another "alternative", if you will.

Anyway, this was a good read and I enjoyed it. Best of luck to you!


---
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Yeaster  -  November 15th, 2010, 9:47pm
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Shawnkjr
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Quoted Text
P19
----
SUNNY
Happy birthday, babe.
Kira moves in for a tight embrace.

KIRA
Thanks so much.

SUNNY
I love you.


Maybe you could merge "Happy birthday, babe." with "I Love you." It sounds more realistic, imo. Then Kira/Sunny can kiss and part, and

so forth. Just a random thought.


I agree.  I'll change it.


Quoted Text
p21

KEVIN
The divorce...it's been hard on me
too, Mom.

She scoffs.

MRS. KOBASHI
(sarcastic)
Oh...I bet.

KEVIN
I said I was sorry.

She sighs.

MRS. KOBASHI
Go home.

Maybe an alt could be:

KEVIN
I know. I'm sorry.

She scoffs.

MRS. KOBASHI
Go home, Kevin.

And just continue from there. That way (in addition to the rest of the sequence) it's implied that she's going through marriage

problems and it's having a negative affect on Kevin as well, without having to outright state it.


That bit of dialogue is probably too on the nose. Needs to be changed. I'm working on it.

Thanks for catching and letting me know about the  grammatical error and typos. Fixing them.



Quoted Text
Anyway, I think Tahj is introduced too late. That scene is good, but I think it should happen earlier. Somewhere within the first 30 or so pages, I think:

> the drama between Crystal/Kira/Sunny should happen and Sunny and Kira become estranged
> Sara and Crystal should die

Sara's and Crystal's deaths could somewhat serve to bring Sunny and Kira closer together gradually over the coarse of the story. Like, maybe both Sunny and Kira (individually) have suspicions that the deaths happened as a result of a supernatural entity, but can't prove it, and when they (separately) try to reach out to authority, they are pretty much pushed aside, making it apparent that the town has a secret of some sort. Maybe Sunny's and Kira's "weird behavior" causes them to be ostracized from their friends + family, and Kira learns that the only person who she can really trust is her cheating ex, whom she despises. But anyway, both of them are awkward around each other, for Sunny still likes Kira and she does as well, though she tries to play it tough -- but both realize that they have to swallow their pride and work together if they want to save their town. Anyway, when they go to the library to research the monster that Mike mentioned, Tahj could overhear their conversation, and the scene can go on from there. Maybe most of the story could be about Kira/Sunny/Tahj trying to figure out a)what the creature is b) where did it come c) why is it attacking the town and d) how to stop it, if it can be stopped? Perhaps along the way the creature could try to get to Sunny/Kira by attacking/trying to kill all of their friends, but the friends who do survive, join up with Sunny/Kira and they can all try to uncover the mystery behind the foe/try to stop it together -- as well as overcome their own interpersonal drama.

Oooor...something like that, haha. That was just a random thought that popped in my head. Your story could be fine as it as, but I just wanted to throw in another "alternative", if you will.

Anyway, this was a good read and I enjoyed it. Best of luck to you!


-Tahj IS introduced a bit too late. In the rewrite he plays is much more important role and is introduced along with Kevin.

-Many people say they enjoy Siyx's character

-That is an interesting scenario with the connection of them both losing their sisters. I like it.
I plan on moving a lot of the scenes around in the rewrite. The ending will be very different. A lot is added immediately after the funeral scene instead of just jumping to the prom. Sunny encounters the creature again and tracks it to the prom night, warning the others before all hell breaks loose. Also thinking of adding some sort of adult authority figure...maybe a cop, Tahj's father or something.

Really glad you enjoyed it. Really do appreciate the comments and advice. I'm on to your script.

-Shawn


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Busy Little Bee
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This was a quick read which is always good. I liked the drama with Sunny and Kira and thought the reunion was believable in that the death of his sister would garner sympathy.

I don’t think there was enough plot in this story. I agree with another reviewer who said how to kill the creature should have been added. And I believe this would fix some of the lack of plot.  The characters figure out what they are dealing with not one scene but in a few scenes spread out. A lot of horrors have the return of the monster but the way it is I thought that’s all it took a crowbar. Of course, he came back and I thought thank goodness. You can have the characters figure out what they believe to be the way to stop creature and they do it, but it doesn’t work.

I do like the kill scenes and how you added new characters to kill but they added drama too, like the Mike character and the keys situation.

I also like the creatures attack shape shifting and the description of the black smoke. The creature was quite powerful, too powerful maybe. Another reason the crowbar thing didn’t stick, for an ending at least. The scene where they’ve locked themselves in that room the creature uses strategy to get them to come out but can’t it just black smoke into the room and kill them all. Maybe that’s one of those things you can’t avoid there’s usually one in every story.

Thanks for the read.


BLB


Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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Shawnkjr
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Thank you very much for the read.

I plan on finishing up major rewrite very soon and your comments will surely help out. I will elaborate on the creatures weaknesses but I don't want to go into the creatures back story or origins...I feel that should be left to the imagination. There will be a lot of sequence rearranging going on. The ending will be much different, especially.


Thank you again.


-Shawn


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