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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Mechanic Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Mechanic  (currently 997 views)
Don
Posted: September 29th, 2009, 8:20pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Mechanic by Luke Prince (lukeprince09) - Short, Thriller - The perfect crime is never perfect. As two Criminals struggle to repair their broken car, they must also handle their problematic hostage and a mechanic who clearly doesn't know the risk of being a good samaritan… 34 pages - pdf, format


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jackx
Posted: October 16th, 2009, 3:02pm Report to Moderator
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Pretty badass little script, I quite liked it.
The dialogue was nice and believable, which was pretty key since that was half the script.  It led well into the sudden burst of violence.
All the characters were pretty well done, Chloe was pretty cool, just in how pretty much all we know about her is her consistent fight, right up til the end.
There were a couple typos, I think you had were instead of we're and some small things like that.  Nothing bad.
The one thing it seems like having the subtitles at the end kind of takes away from the black screen.  I was thinking it might be better to have like a shot through binos of the car driving away, then blank screen and unsubtitled portugeuse at the end, just to keep it a little more symmetrical with the beginning.  Or something else to that effect.
I guess I dont really have much else  in the way of suggestions, definately enjoyed it though.

(Oh I would get rid of the disclaimer at the beginning.  It's kinda disheartening to read an apology for the script before you start.  Plus you already have First Draft at the top of every page.)


Mine:
HARD CASE
            (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...

APU
            (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...

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jackx  -  October 16th, 2009, 5:49pm
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