Jimmie Goes To New York... Almost Based Off A True Story by David A. Hodge/ Darryl E. Goodner - Comedy - A man finds himself through murder. 125 pages - pdf, format

Any time I see someone include the initial of their middle name, it flags danger in my mind, like they are giving themselves a sense of self importance in an attempt to hide any shortcomings. The warning signs here were correct. Guys, I don't know what you were thinking here. Firstly, your prose is way off the mark. You are wrting in the continous presence. Scripts are not written this way, save for the rare ocassions where it unaviodable.

Example: Agent Manny Vickers is checking on the cameras slowly going. This should read: Agent Manny Vickers checks on the cameras. This applies throughout your script.

When a character is introduced, the name is capped, AGENT MANNY VICKERS, followed by a brief description, AGENT MANNY VICKERS, (30's) clean cut, buttoned down family man.

Your formatting is off. I suggest you download a free screen editing program called Celtix, or use a macro for MS Word, which is what I do. Your characters are one dimensional. the opening dialouge is just cheap effect that simply appeals to immature hormonal teens. No FBI agent speaks like that, there's no ring of truth to it. I could go on and on, but the best thing you can do is read lots of good scripts and see how they are written and read books on script writing and formatting.